What I think about when I think about pop (PM)

Who is Pharell?

What is Blurred Lines?

How come I don't know anything about anything anymore? 

I guess it's because I don't read Smash Hits or TV Hits all the time like I used to. I guess we can thank 'real life' for that, forcing me to grow up and engage with 'real issues' and the 'real literature' that explores them (WHO weekly). 

If J is questioning what's right and wrong about a song and whether repeatedly listening to it is OK, then there is no, absolutely no hope for me. That girl is my pop shepherd, guiding me through the valley of 'no idea' in which I naturally dwell.

I can tell you that I saw a clip for a Jay-Z song called Picasso Baby on Rage the other night and wondered what it was all about.   

If I were Jay-Z

I'm afraid that this is the closest I can get to being Jay-Z.
I love your album, BTW.

J: MISS SOFT CRAB is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?

K: Great question Mate, what do you base your answer on? Well, as you know, I’ve been spending half my working day emailing you for years now, and I guess I started to feel like it was getting pretty ridiculous, and I should probably start making more of an effort to do more work. But how to do enough work to respect myself while also maintaining the delightful to and fro of ideas that I have enjoyed with you for so long? What happens when I have something to say about foods, about things that have happened, or about gentlemens? What happens when YOU have something to say about these things? It took a pretty long time to figure out that maybe we should write a bloggy, but once we did Miss Soft Crab was born.

J: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?

K: I don’t understand this business about my filter. Is a filter a thing that I have, like a gallbladder? If so, I feel weird about people looking at ‘everything’ through it. Get your own filter people! Plus, here at MSC we don’t talk about everything, we just talk about some things. We decide on those things based on the fact that that’s the stuff we talk about all the time. We talk about those things over and over. To say that we talk about everything is really overstating it.

J: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?

K: Totes. People need to hear about what I have eaten, what is going on with my friends, how I feel about Marky Mark and other hunks. They need to hear about this because I am really special – fact, not opinion. It’s my responsibility to share the specialness, share my thoughts about things. If you expect me to shirk this responsibility then you are going to be majorly disappointed.

J: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.

K:

• Food: OASIS BAKERY. I liked it how they knew that even though felafel wraps are a great meal, sometimes you need chips to go with them. But mainly I loved that hot sauce that tasted like what would happen if chilli and vinegar spent a beautiful night together and had a baby.

• Music: MUPPETS. I like how they sing everything they think and feel. And I like how they move their arms around when they dance. They pretty much have only one dance move, which I relate to.
• Art: Oh come on Mate, give a girl a break. I like all the stuff I am supposed to like, OK? Lets just leave it at that.
• Style: WELL DRESSED OLD LADIES. Those well groomed ones you see in groups in the city sometimes. I love those ladies and I want them to teach me how to look nice.
• Sports: I like these guys.

• And my favorite spot to be leisurely is everywhere, all the time. Naturally.

J: You are the coolest (wo) man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?

K: I try really hard all the time, and I copy other people who seem like they are cool. That’s how. Oh, and if you want to be cool like me, you should probably have said ‘how the fuck’ instead of ‘how the f’. People think swearing is really cool.

If I were GOOP...

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow emailed Jay-Z and said, “I love your new site. Can I ask you five questions about it?” Jay-Z said, “I’ll show you mine if you let me see yours.” And the whole affair was pretty nauseating. We decided to do a fuckyoute tribute and answer their questions ourselves.

KK: The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?

J: Are they? My mother has a terrible voice but was always singing around the house, so god knows where my brother and sister and I got our musicality from. I’ve pretty much always known I had this awesome ability to sing. I always thought that somewhere down the line I would dust off my pipes and use them. I haven’t. But yeah, I guess it was pretty great when karaoke became a normal thing to do. I felt happy that I could share my gift with other people. What I don’t really understand is why GOOP sang at Royal Albert Hall with Jay-Z when I don't get invited to sing anywhere! That was a surprise to me as much as anybody else. .

KK: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Wesley discover hip-hop?

J: Well, like GOOP and every other white girl over 30 I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was a kid in the late 80s. There was the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, N.W.A . Frankly I don’t understand why you think it's a big deal, let alone why Jay-Z thinks it is a big deal, to know the lyrics to some ‘90s hip hop. Listen to some hip-hop Jay-Z. Sheesh.

KK: Does that extend to pop and rock music as well? Did you do the whole lace gloves circa Madonna and flannel shirts in the ’90s circa Kurt?

JL: Yes.

KK: Speed round: Miles or Coltrane?

JL: Pah, jazz, who gives a shit.I can just imagine GOOP and Jay-Z sitting around listening to Miles Davis together. So gross.

KK: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

JL: Beatles

KK: Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday?

JL: Groan, Paltrow thinks she is so good loving all that black music. I’m not afraid to say Patsy. I think Billie is so great, but I love this song so much.

KK: Biggie or PAC?

JL: Biggie. Of course.

KK: Michael or Prince?

JL: Prince. It pains me that GOOP and I have so many of the same answers.

KK: And finally, would you ever make a solo album?

JL: God! YES PLEASE! Mate, I have never, ever wished you were anyone but you, but right now I really wish you were Jay-Z so you could produce my solo album. I’m totally covering that Patsy Cline song on it. God, what else is going to be on it...I guess ‘I think I love you’. And Purple Rain. A 25 minute extended mega mix. My album would be so much better than GOOP by GOOP.

You make me want to GOOP

Oh, Mate. Can I just say that today has been such an annoying day and GOOP and Jay-Z have done nothing to help. NOTHING! Why they gotta be so annoying? GROAN times infinity. Mate, I guess Jay-Z may well be a dickhead. Just because he sounds dope and his wife has that beautiful charming smile, I guess maybe it doesn't mean what we would like it to mean. It feels bad though, doesn't it? With GOOP at least you know what you are getting. This annoying little princess. I, as you know am only a casual GOOP reader. It's the difference between you and me. You will subject yourself to films like Eat, Love, Pray, whereas I'd rather stick hot blacksmith tools, pokers I mean, in my eyes. So I only read GOOP occasionally, rather than subscribe. But I guess when I do read it I get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it. So perhaps I am finally beginning to understand you.

So this is what is ridiculous about that GOOP post. She is GOOP, for god sakes! GOOP! Why she gotta tell the world, "ooh, I'm besties with Jay Z." Is that what she thinks we wanna hear? We know who you are GOOP. Keep it to yourself.

You know the other day I was on Amazon and Amazon is always all, "Hey buy these cookbooks you little cookbook buyer." And I was all, "Chut up Amazon, let me just casually browse your cyberpages." Until Amazon told me I might like this. And I thought, "No I wouldn't, but K might." And I was totally about to buy it for you until I read about it and it was all, "cooking with and for your family, blah blah, goop goop, it's so great, I'm mother earth." And I thought maybe it was insensitive to buy such a book for a single lady and I wished Beyonce would write a cookbook. BAM.

The GOOP

So while I was waiting for Rhapsody in Blue to download from the iTunes store the other night, I did a little tinkering about on the Internet looking for other things that would make me nice and inspired for my trip to NYC. Instead I found this. UGH.
Ugh so much!
Why is GOOP so annoying?
And why are GOOP and Jay-Z friends? Is Jay-Z a dickhead? I always thought that he was the opposite of a dickhead, but maybe that's just because I want him to be and have been ignoring the signs.
So many things about this annoy me. I guess it would be safe to say that everything she says and the way she says it annoys me, starting with the first words of the first line: "Mr. Carter (aka Jay- Z)".
Please!
She might as well have written
Dear World, I know Jay-Z! We are friends. We are such good friends that I have a nickname for him. It is his actual name, but, like, the most formal version of his name. Do you get it? It's so funny!
But it gets more annoying later, when she says "As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance, it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?".
What can I say about that, apart from the contents of some post-it notes that a work friend gave me one time .

(I know, how hilarious are those post-its. They are too special to use.)

But back to GOOP. Seriously, who the fuck does she think she is? Again with the I'm friends with Jay-Z, but now she follows up with a some lame justification for her lame website disguised as admiration for her special friend. WTF times infinity, right?
I'm afraid Jay-Z sounds like a pretty big tool also.
Par example, when he responds to GOOP's question about how "the f " he became so cool with "I'm around great women, starting with my mom. Women keep men cool. The hotter the chick, the cooler the guy...that sounds like a really bad rap line."
Yes it does you knob-end, yes it does. Much like I've got 99 problems but the bitch ain't one, you tool.

Of course I then went and had a look at the Jay-Z website, including the equally annoying Jay-Z interview with GOOP which I'll let you discover in your own time. The website is fine, but I'm pretty sure it's not "incredible". Is having the content of a magazine, but up on a website, incredible? If so, you are letting me down, Internet.