Haiku Thursday

I tried to tell K last night how I loved her post yesterday. I loved how she brought us hunks through HotMC and HotMC through WTF Wednesday. Ironic that our last week before an indefinite but hopefully finite hiatus should come so easily and be so enjoyable to read and write. 

Anyway it's Thursday and there would be no other appropriate way to spend our last ever Thursday (before this hiatus) than revisiting some golden hiaku. Some may think Hiaku Thursday was just an easy way out but in fact Haiku Thursday is goldmine of pristine nuggets just waiting to be (re)discovered. Seriously there is some great shit in there. But today I'm going to reproduce some haiku from three of the most important themes to ever be explored through haiku: Sparkleface, Jews, and the most famous Jew - Jesus.  

Haiku impressions of Edward Cullen

by K and J

I

Stupid Sparkleface

With his stupid sparkly face

Get a real face!

II 

You can climb a tree

Really fast. Um, so what, guy!

So can possums! Dick.

III

Edward Cullen's best

Thing are his ever larger

Volvos. For reals guy.

IV

Girl found you're a vamp

By searching the internet. 

That's really lame, guy.

V

I think vamps are hot

But somehow Cullen kills it

Pussy vamps aren't hot.

Haiku impressions of Jacob

by K and J

I 

In real life I

Love wolves. In Twilight Saga

I'm team wolf. TEAM WOLF!

II 

I love how the wolves

Are giant. I love how they

Are too hot for shirts

III 

I love how the wind

Blows through their fur. It suggests

Sensitivity. 

IV 

As well as being

a wolf (hot), Jake just seems like

better company.

V

If Edward's feelings

For Bella are wrong, then mine

For Jacob are too 

VI

Yeah. I guess we both

Know police chief swan is more

Age appropriate.

Just one more, I promise

I love you I hate

You I love you I hate you

Breaking Dawn Part 1

If J's allowed one, then I'm allowed one

Breaking Dawn Part 1. 

You sucked so very much. So

Why can't I quit you?

 

Haiku interpretations of what a random selection of Jews might have written in their diaries during the time that they were enslaved in Egypt and leading up to their release

Pharaoh be trippin’

He be hatin’ and killin’

Why he oppressin’?

Jews are people too

The chosen people! Jealous?

Suck it up bitches!

Is this for real?

Gotta  put blood on my door?

Oi vey! What a mess!

Who’s this guy Moses?

You want I should follow him?

I hope he’s a mensch

Haiku interpretations of what one very astute observer may have written in his diary

 I

Blood, frogs, lice, flies and

Pestilence, boils, hail

Locusts and darkness

II

What’s coming next, huh?

Slaying of the first born? No!?

Suck it, oppressors

Haiku impressions of what Jesus might have written in his diary during the week leading up to his crucifixion.

Monday

Hung with disciples

Found Lazarus dead. Hells no!

Miracled him back.

Tuesday

Woke with mad craving

For felafel. So what's new?

To Jerusalem!

Wednesday

Back to back meetings.

I was all Miracles, yo!

But they be hatin'.

Wednesday (later, in the Garden of Gethsemane)

God told me "The Plan".

Gulp! Also, Judas hates me?!

WTF!? Since when?

 : (

Thursday

BEST farewell dinner

With disciples. Ate WAAAAAYY too

Much bread! *Love* those guys!

Thursday (later)

I should have shaved my

beard before supper. It's so

Full of crumbs now. LOL!

Thank God I Checked Facebook Again (TGICFA) (PM)

I am so glad some people do what they do. 
And I am so glad I had the sense to watch that clip before I went to work, when no one else was around and I could squawk and guffaw and shed my own tears of hysteria freely without the need for censorship.

This is the actual tissue I used to dab the hysterical tears from my cheeks.

And this is the song I'm going to be listening to all afternoon.

Have a good weekend, Crab friends.

Thank God I checked Facebook again (TGICFA) (AM)

This week has been pretty exhausting. Yeah, this is only my second working day of the week. And mostly I've just been watching Breaking Bad, looking in some shops, chilling with my homies, dancing, cooking, but you know, my brain got all jazzed on spring earlier this week and what goes up must come down.

So looking for inspiration last night I did all sorts of questionable things. I watched 15 minutes of The Footy Show hoping they would give me something. I knew they wouldn't, but Jimmy Bartel was on and I am, after all, a human. Anyway, even Jimmy couldn't make that shit watchable so I turned to Facebook. I hardly ever look at that stupid website these days and now I know why. All FB gave me was a raging jealousy of Chickpea's trip to Tokyo and her access to all that stationary, also I got sore eyes after rolling them so much at all the annoying shit people say.

But then. Just before bed I had one last look. And I saw this! Two friends posted it. And thank Christ! The first time I saw the link I didn't click it. Thanks Little Wonders for posting this clip of Edward and Bella' bad lip reading. Otherwise I might have gone to bed without shedding those tears of hysteria.

Robert Pattinson: I don't know what to feel (PM)

Last week I could not stop reading stories about K-Stew cheating on R-Patz. Because, you know, they were all over the internet. Not because I went looking for them and kept clicking through links to see that R-Patz had moved out, that he was staying at Reese Witherspoon's ranch, to see that he finally responded to K-Stew's texts. No, I did not mean to click those links at all.

While this was happening all I could think was, "Geez, I can't believe K-Stew and R-Patz really are a couple!" And also, "OMFG K-STEW! I can't believe you cheated on R-Patz!" And also, "K-Stew looks really cute in that t-shirt and I like her baby blue nail polish a lot!" It was a real roller coaster of emotion.


Let's remember that at least my very first introduction to R-Patz was when he played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Um, Cedric Diggory, guys. Only the handsomest character to ever grace the pages of Harry Potter. A decent wizard and the first death we actually have to experience in Harry Potter. Cedric Diggory  is a turning point. And even though when that movie came out R-Patz was an actual teenager and I was an actual woman in my mid-twenties, it's fair to say I thought he was quite attractive. But then... Sparkleface ugh!

One of the few vampires in history to make vampires unattractive. And that is no easy feat.

So where does that leave us?

Cedric Diggory = hot
Sparkleface = not hot
Cheated on = sad = kinda hot (?)
Twilight Saga movies about to be over = no more Sparkleface = potential future hotness

therefore

hot + not hot + kinda hot + potential future hotness =  maybe hot = I'm still confused

= oh god why can't I stop thinking about R-PATZ?!?!?!?

Robert Pattinson: I don't know what to feel (AM)

Were you guys shocked to discover that K-Stew, MSC's inagural Babe of the Month, totally cheated on Sparkleface with some old guy?

Neither were we, what are you crazy? we are grown adults and one of us is a mother so there is no way we would waste our time giving a shit about that. 

But say we were the type to give a shit. And say, in giving a shit, we found ourselves feeling really outraged that someone would cheat on R-Patz. What do you think it would say about our true feelings about the guy? Um, you guys, do you think it means we secretly love R-Patz, but just don't know it yet because we're blinded by our hatred of Sparkleface? Speaking for myself, the level of outrage and disappointment I felt in K-Stew was a strong indication that my feelings for R-Patz are, at best, neutral. 

Yesterday, I looked at a bunch of pictures of him on the interwebs to see what response they elicited. Pictures like the one above, and this one:

...which prompted me to think the following thoughts, in no particular order. 

Sparkleface

Ugh

Cedric Diggory
Hot

Hair

English 

Je ne sais quoi

Hot

More

I feel like I know where this is headed, but just to be sure I went to see the new R-Patz film Cosmopolis last night. 

The film is a total mind-bender, which I'm sorry to say meant the lid of R-Patz interest couldn't come off completely, because I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on. But I think its safe to say the lid has been dislodged.
#ohshit

Just some stuff I ate and saw and thought about (PM)

Hey, guess who's hands those are in that picture of Barbie Edward Cullen? Mine. I really should have exited the frame but I couldn't stop staring.

My hands are here too, holding the new Sow What When? calendar I just got from the Diggers Club.

It tells me what plants I should sow, and when, so I can have a verdant balcony garden. I've been looking at it a lot lately. Right now my balcony looks like this:

Semi-verdant

It's got a long way to go.

When it comes to what I have eaten lately, look no further than this.

It's the salted caramel spread I made on the weekend, ostensibly to audition it for chutney club but really, so I can put it all in my mouth. I planned to make some banana pancakes to serve it with, but I made the mistake of tasting a little bit first and since then, I have just been eating it out of the jar with a spoon. I never made the pancakes. I did drizzle (dollop) some on a banana at one point. Delicious.

Just some stuff I ate and saw and thought about (AM)

So, I don't know if you guys have ever noticed, but basically this blog is just some stuff we ate and saw and thought about. Sure sometimes that stuff comes from our brains. But sometimes, when we are lucky, that stuff gets caught on camera.

So I thought you may be interested in seeing some of the stuff I've eaten, seen, and thought about lately. Here goes.

First, some things I ate:

Jokies, I didn't eat a pigeon. I just saw this pigeon drinking some water in the city and thought it looked really cute.

I did eat this pie though. After it was cooked of course. When it looked like this:

It had a delicious buttery pastry and a filling of chilli beans, corn and potato. When it was cooked the eggs were a little runny. And yes, it was DELICIOUS! Couldn't eat that in summer, no sirree.

You know what else I ate recently? Some delicious carrots and beetroot.

Maybe it doesn't look so appetising, but it does look like a found cock! HAHA!

But seriously folks, recently  I was at the zoo and I saw so many mind blowing things, including some green frogs that sat really flat on leaves and had adorable peaceful smiles. They were to small to photograph well, but these iguanas weren't! Iguanas are awesome!

 Oh, and did you know I saw Prince recently?

 Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Just like I couldn't resist taking a photo of these Twilight Edition Barbies K and I saw recently. Yes, that is Bella Barbie and Sparkleface Barbie. WTF?! Look at their faces? They look nothing like Bella and Sparkleface. Mattel just think they can just stick a Barbie in a box with packaging telling you they are Twilight Barbie and people will buy it?! In fact I'm pretty sure that Sparkleface Barbie is just a Chuck Bass Barbie repackaged. What? Why wouldn't they have Gossip Girl Barbie? Crazy times people! Anything is possible.