Tuesday

Today it's Tuesday. I'm trying to get my life sorted. And by that I mean going to bed early and going to the gym in the morning before the household wakes up. So far I've tried this twice and so far I've succeeded in going to bed at a reasonable hour but failed at the waking up and going to the gym in the morning. Yesterday morning  it was because Newbie was awake from 11pm till 1am the night before and getting up for the gym a few hours after that seemed like a bunch of bullshit. This morning I guess it was because I had a bunch of babies in my bed and I just thought I probably couldn't get out of the house without waking them. 

But I guess if I really wanted to do it I just would, wouldn't I? God, I'm so confused! I want to get buff but I also want to sleep. On top of that I woke at the reasonable hour of 7am today and I still feel fucking exhausted. Oh well, let's check in later in the week and see how my new life plan is going. 

You're still not doing it right, brain. Or are you?!

I know the word epiphany has divine connotations but of course when we have one it's just things in our brains clicking. I had one the other night watching Graham Norton. Ryan Gosling was on and before he'd started talking I realised something that I hadn't even known had been bothering me. When he talks his mouth doesn't move enough. Especially his top lip. Before I saw him open his mouth it's like the thought came to me, "Here we go, Mister Still Lips." And then he started talking and my thought was confirmed. The epiphany was actually weird and I guess Gosling's mouth situation is one reason I can't commit to the idea of him being a 100% hunk. Definitely hot but not Hunk of the Month material.

But I digress. The experience was also pretty upsetting. Like, why am I having epiphanies about the reasons for a dude's attractiveness, or otherwise, and not about something useful like what I should be doing professionally with my life that would be both satisfying and lucrative? Or what app I could invent that would help the world and make me rich. Or how can I manage my frustration and irritability in the face of some of my children's actions when those actions are generally due to their completely age-appropriate immaturity. Seriously brain, you absolutely are not doing it right.

I'd like to point out here that despite the implications of this blog, I actually think about my professional future and parenting and app inventions a lot more than I think about Ryan Gosling. So you'd think my brain would know what it should be revealing to me. And if there is some kind of divine intervention with epiphanies then the spiritual world is definitely not doing it right. Unless it's trying to tell me I should invent some hunk-assment app, which I guess is probably all I'm qualified for and really now that you think about it is probably exactly how Miss Soft Crab should diversify. BOOM! I misjudged this epiphany thing all together. Where's the App Store's number? We pitch tomorrow!

Highlights (AM)

Today I'm bringing you a brief round up of highlights from the week. Best thing I saw is probably a toss-up between what I saw in my brain eyeballs yesterday morning in a dream that involved Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio fighting and the Instagram account called Mandy Patinkin's Beard, which is great because it blends pictures of Mandy Patinkin with hilarity. And although you may not have ever realised it  this is a winning combination that makes he world a better place.

Best thing I ate was probably a delicious escargot type thing I got from the Tivoli Street Bakery which had pistachios and custard but although it was delicious I kind of regretted not getting a croissant because I just want to understand all the croissants of Melbourne.

But the best thing I heard was something Baby said to me on the bus yesterday. There was a print ad on the bus for a disposable, water-free toothbrush from Colgate. Below is a Spanish version of the ad.  The one we saw was definitely busier with more images and text but it still had those black fingers holding a toothbrush.

And Baby was asking me all about the ad and then he asked me why a penguin was holding the toothbrush.

A very little something (AM)

Yesterday while driving to the Queen Vic market I wrote all of today's post in my head. I felt pretty productive but the problem with writing posts in one's head is that until we have computer chips implanted in our heads all that writing is going to stay up there. It's such a conundrum because on the one hand I don't want AI in my brain and on the other hand, well shiiiiiit, it would make so many things so much easier. Like paying bills and writing emails and definitely writing blog posts. Because by the time I sat down to write my post last night at 11:30 I'd been looking after my children all day and editing some woefully written articles all night all while recovering from a cold. I don't want to make excuses, but you know where I wrote the words "computer chips" 6 lines above here? I had to type that three times because it kept coming out "computer ships". Which doesn't even make any sense because I love chips heaps more than ships.

So rather than rewrite the post from my brain I did what I always do when I want to share something cool with the Soft Crab community without putting in too much effort. I went to Facebook to see if anyone had shared anything good. I hardly ever look at Facebook. Sometimes I log on and then after looking at nothing I log straight off. I hate it. But the internet gods were smiling on me last night because someone had posted a link to this.

It's not so amazing or anything, and maybe I was just really tired last night, but I love the movie Princess Bride and it was just real nice thinking about it and thinking about the whole gang back together again. And just when I was feeling all tired and happy I read the first comment under the photo, which said "The pic of Andre in the bottom corner... Feels :("

Hahaha "Feels"!

I hope Andre and Peter Falk are totally RIPing.

Eeny meeny miny mo (PM)

Gosh. I feel a bit awkward about Trading Places, and my childhood. We said and did some bad things. I know our babe-mouths were innocent and therefore what came out of them can't be seen in the same light as what came out of Don Ameche's in Trading Places, but still.  I assume it was Don Ameche... though I guess it could have been the other old white guy. Or a totally different old white guy. Like J says, I've never seen it. 

God, how do I know Don Ameche's name? What a complete waste of space in my brain. I haven't even seen Cocoon, the other film he's known for playing an old white guy. 

Something's blowing in the wind (AM)

On Monday morning after my mum read my post about the future of my wardrobe she texted me saying that she "detected the cabin fever of motherhood" and told me I should join a mothers group. She's probably right. For me, it turns out, being at home with two small children and no substantial time on my own makes think about: children; what clothes to wear; how old I suddenly look; what colours I should paint my nails if I ever have the chance to paint my nails; what exercise I can do if I ever get time to exercise; how to get time to exercise; porridge; and plants. One of the reasons I took up ballet was to try and combat the cabin fever but I think I need to be doing it more than once a week for it to have any significant effect.

It's not just my brain I have to worry about, it's you guys too. All I've written about this month is finding myself through clothes and Oprah. Sheesh, well I think I owe it to all of us to set some goals. So in the the next two weeks in the aim of expanding my mind I'm going to:

Do some Les Mills TM classes! Who's Les Mills and what does he teach, I hear you ask. Les Mills, New Zealand Olympian, former mayor of Auckland, the guy who seems to have the monopoly on group fitness classes at Yarra City gyms. He (or his son who actually owns Les Mills International) probably looks like this:

Put the word body in front of some kind of sporting action (Step! Pump! Balance!) and you've got a Les Mills class. TM. I'm sure it will be hilarious, or something, so I'm going to do it. For all of us. 

Fluoro chickens. A while ago I started drawing chickens. Then I stopped. But I'm going to start again. Maybe paint them too. 

Go somewhere new. I don't know where. God, just setting these goals is challenging enough for my dormant brain, but rest assured I'll figure out somewhere to go and then I'll go there. 

Let's hope for all of our sakes by November my brain has more to offer all of us. 

People are relying on you! (PM)

This morning's post is about google and how it's not very trustworthy and how it doesn't make much effort anymore, which is a serious topic and one that deserves our attention. But the thing that blows my mind about what I read this morning is that if he had lived, Freddie Mercury would be sixty-six years old right now. That's practically my parents age. That blows my mind. Why? I have no idea why. When I think about it, it makes sense that he would be in his late sixties. But for some reason it seems incredibly weird to me that Freddie Mercury could be my parents age.

It makes more sense when I see this, and yet I still struggle.
PS: Hey mate. you should get a shirt like this for LB. 

People are relying on you! (AM)

Last night I was watching a documentary on Freddie Mercury. It's pretty much my favourite thing to do. And because you never learn enough from an hour long doco I turned to Google. I had questions, you know. How long was he with his partner Jim Hutton? (Six years according to Wikipedia*)  How awesome was he? (Very!)

Now, guys, I have to tell you something, often, when I write about stuff here that doesn't just come from my brain it comes from the Internet. Lots of the time it comes from Wikipedia, which is a source I usually think I can trust because I know that when Russeth adds stuff to it about Moby's nonexistent appearance on Happy Days, his lies are taken down in days. So I feel its a trustworthy source. Then again, those lies are up there for days. What if I'm the victim of some alternative Russeth?

How will I ever know?

But at least I know that Wikipedia are trying to do the right thing. What are you trying to do, Google? Fuck all apparently. Do you know what came up on that right-hand panel of the Google page when I asked about Freddie? You know the panel that gives you pictures and basic information?

What's wrong with this picture? Just something is a bit jarring? What is it? Um, what is it? What is it? Oh! I know! THAT GIANT PICTURE OF KURT COBAIN ABOVE FREDDIE'S NAME! You can't fool us, Google! You think you can put any picture of a dead rock star there over a name and we'll buy it? You can't do that Google.

Freddie and Kurt are beautiful and unique snowflakes whose only common ground is the fact that they are both beautiful and unique snowflakes. Get some quality control, Google! People think you have the answers, God damn it.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and donate to Wikipedia so that they never try and pass off Kurt as Freddie, like some lesser Internet-based businesses.

*I don't know what to believe anymore. But I guess I'll believe this.

How things work - blog writing (PM)

F*(k that Jenga was a funny cat.
And f*(k yeah  it's hard living the bloglife.
My idiot brain is always trying to find ways of making boring things I encounter in my day to day life in to enjoyable blog posts when it knows damn well that most things we encounter are not worth the grey matter they are stored in. (What?)
Brain has to learn that though I appreciate it's efforts, not everything is funny or interesting.
Now lets listen to Kanye!