Still dreaming

Shit you guys, sorry about my confusing post on Tuesday. J is right, while the first thing was a dream, the other things are totally real. 

I should have given the post the name I originally picked out, and I'm pretty sure have used before when my posts are a collection of unconnected thoughts: a box of miss soft crab assorted. But as soon as I thought of the word "assorted" I started thinking about the classic biscuit collection Assorted Creams. And then because dreams rhymes with creams, and because my brain was full of biscuit thoughts, I went for Assorted Dreams. 

Fool! 

Assorted dreams addressed

K's post yesterday was a little confusing, am I right? Like, it was called 'Assorted dreams' so at first I thought she dreamed she saw disgraced wellness blogger Belle Gibson at Northcote pool and dreamed she'd been saying Mandarin wrong all her life. But I think those things are K's reality.

So, yeah it would totally suck to be recognised anywhere as a disgraced anything, but if you're going to go out and court fame, that's totally on you, Belle Gibson. It's not like poor old Schapelle Corby who never courted fame but just innocently took a giant bag full of marijuana into Indonesia, got caught and now after serving her time is not only being recognised but followed. Seriously world, who gives a shit. Let the woman be.

Mate, if you've been saying Mandareen instead of Mandarin, you're right. You've been saying it wrong.

That John Le Carre meets Raider of the Lost Arc dream sounds cool.

Cheese dreams

Last night K and I went out for pizza. We had one with cheese (allegedly - Mate, do you think there was cheese on it? I feel like there wasn't. Not that I care) and the other one had no cheese.

So look, I probably didn't have cheese dreams. But I did have a dream that Ewan McGregor came over for dinner. He was just as handsome in dream reality as he is in the movies.

(PS. When I was searching online for this picture I learned that a hoax report of Ewan's death recently spread like wildfire. Thank Christ I missed that. I was distraught enough at the speculation of Prince Phillip's death yesterday. Hoaxers gonna give sister a heart attack!)

Oh dear

Well I've finally lost it. Last night I dreamt I had an adjoining hotel room with Michelle and Barrack Obama. They were lovely by the way.  

The festive season begins

It's no secret that the Misses Soft Crab love Christmas. Mostly. And given that it is now December 5 it's time to admit that the festive season has begun. Decorations are everywhere, the weather is heating up, on Friday when I had to cross Alexander Parade at 9am there was a noticeable lack of traffic on the road. It's practically holidays already. And I'm not the only one who's ready to admit it, my unconscious is too.

Last week I woke up from a vivid dream that was basically a sci-fi/thriller in which Ben Affleck was breaking through barriers of space and time in an attempt to find Santa Claus to prevent some kind of evil. Every year Affleck starts this mission but each day always ends with memory loss so he's frantically trying to discover whether he's found Santa while also looking for Santa until he realises... HE IS SANTA. It was basically Memento meets Fifty First Dates meets The Santa Clause. Though I want to make it clear it was not cute or a kids movie. It was more of a dark, gun toting, thriller Santa chase.  Merry fucken' Christmas.

Though in some ways I would like to spend some time figuring out what this dream all means and what I could learn about myself I'm too disappointed in my subconscious to give it the respect of my time. It is just so terribly disappointing that my brain has been doing all this hard work thinking about Casey Affleck a lot recently and my unconscious goes and dreams about Ben. It harks back to that time I dreamt about Donny Wahlberg instead of Marky Mark. I guess if I wanted I could look into why it keeps sending me the hunks' brothers, but I'm just assuming that in its sleeping state my brain is too lazy to conjure up the right guy. Right? Right! Nothing more to interpret here folks. Welcome to December.

Bad dreams (PM)

You know people say it's boring listening to other people's dreams but I don't think that's true. As long as they are told well and are actually interesting dreams it's as interesting as hearing about real life and in many cases more interesting, have you heard some of the boring shit people say? Plus it potentially gives you an insight into a person's psyche, and what is better than that?

I haven't watched In the Thick of It but I wouldn't trust that Dr Who as far as I could throw him!

Meanwhile I've been having crazy dreams lately but nothing I can remember in any kind of comprehensive way that I could repeat here with any substance. For example that dream I mentioned in passing last week that ended (when I was woken by Newbie) with Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio fighting in an apartment stairwell only ended after I'd been having some kind of al fresco Spanish-inspired dinner with a bunch of friends next to a giant paddock where hundreds of couples were taking flamenco classes. Whaaaaa? Yeah, I don't know. Needless to say that I have been having a bunch of dreams with little cohesion and I do not feel like giving you any kind of insight into my psyche.

Bad dreams (AM)

We all know that listening to other people recount their dreams is pretty much the most boring thing ever. But, I've had two doozies in the past week and I feel the need to share. Let's hope reading about dreams is less boring.

In the first dream, I was hanging out with J and having a great time. We were playing with KB and all was well. Then j said "hey, where's Newbie?", only she wasn't talking about the real Newbie, she was talking about the baby I had after KB, also called Newbie. Holy shit! Where the fudge was Newbie? I frantically ran around trying to find him while harbouring a considerable sense of unease. Then I stopped and in the dream thought "hang on a second...I'm pretty sure I only have one baby" and told J the same. She said "oh yeah!" and we both leaghed and laughed. 

THE END

Last nights dream was weirder. The guy from In the thick of it, who is also Dr Who, turned up at my front door. 

He said Appleheart had to go away for work and was going to be gone a while. He was there to be my stand in boyfriend. It seemed very fishy to me and I didn't want to let him in the house. I told him we were about to go for a walk and we should come back later but he was hanging around like a bad smell. He also seemed to be holding something in his hand which was bothering me, as was his unnaturally relaxed and friendly attitude. I mean, you've all seen In the thick of it right? Anyway, I grabbed the thing out of his hand and it was a giant syringe with the label "Fungus" on the side. I told him to make like a tree and get the hell out of here. 

THE END

Highlights (AM)

Today I'm bringing you a brief round up of highlights from the week. Best thing I saw is probably a toss-up between what I saw in my brain eyeballs yesterday morning in a dream that involved Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio fighting and the Instagram account called Mandy Patinkin's Beard, which is great because it blends pictures of Mandy Patinkin with hilarity. And although you may not have ever realised it  this is a winning combination that makes he world a better place.

Best thing I ate was probably a delicious escargot type thing I got from the Tivoli Street Bakery which had pistachios and custard but although it was delicious I kind of regretted not getting a croissant because I just want to understand all the croissants of Melbourne.

But the best thing I heard was something Baby said to me on the bus yesterday. There was a print ad on the bus for a disposable, water-free toothbrush from Colgate. Below is a Spanish version of the ad.  The one we saw was definitely busier with more images and text but it still had those black fingers holding a toothbrush.

And Baby was asking me all about the ad and then he asked me why a penguin was holding the toothbrush.

Best things (AM)

Today, I just wanted to talk about something I really love. 

Guys! Just because it is my Bluriversary today doesn't mean I'm going to go on about how great it was to see them a year ago or how much I love them or Damon. Give me some credit. Sheesh.

No, today I want to talk about ice cream. I don't know when I started loving ice cream so much, but I just love it. I feel like I know it well and understand it and if I could dedicate more time and effort to it I could do something really special. Has my early days working in an ice cream shop got something to do with it? I don't know. 

Where does the magic of ice cream lie? Is it the way it is both creamy and refreshing? The way you can pretty much make it any flavour and it will probably work. The way you can add it to cake or biscuits and both ice cream and companion are transformed into something better? The way it works with a warm pie?!? A warm anything! ICE CREAM GUYS!

According to Wikipedia, in Ancient Greece Hippocrates recommended people to "eat ice as it livens the lifejuices and increases the wellbeing." I think that by extension he would have said the same about ice cream right. And he's the father of western medicine. Or something. 

I feel like if I could spend my life getting to know ice cream better me and the world would be better off. I just want a lab and some testers and some ingredients and some time. And to try all the ice cream related things I've invented in my head. And then to share them with the world. And to have something better to do with the egg whites than make meringues. And to see Blur again. 

The help I need (PM)

HAHAHAHHAHAHA! A hair specialist! Good one subconscious! I mean sure, that was totally lame bowing to the patriarchy and making K's GP a man, but the hair specialist was a touch of genius!

If only, am I right?! God, I need a hair specialist. At least I've found my old GP who moved to the outer suburbs but finally does one day a week in the inner suburbs. But she's not going to sort out my hair is she?! I guess I just need to see a hairdresser. I mean, they are hair specialists, aren't they. But I've never met one that could cure what ails me. Not in the long term anyway. Long story short, I've been thinking about booking a haircut for a long time and today I'm finally going to do it. I'm delighted that I no longer have to rely on only my subconscious to tell me my innermost desires but can also use K's! Thanks K's subconscious, I'll be in touch soon with some more problems you can solve!

The help I need (AM)

Last night I had a dream that I went to the Doctor to talk about some things. You know that list of things that are slightly wrong with you but not so urgent or annoying that you do anything about them? Well in my dream I decided to do something about them. I sat down opposite the Doctor and told him* my list of complaints. The doctor listened carefully in that comforting way GPs do and then said to me "K, I'm really glad you came in to talk about this. I think it's really positive that you're seeking help. I'm going to refer you to a specialist and get you the help you need." I felt a little confused and asked what kind of specialist he was referring me to. He said "Someone who can get your hair sorted out for you. A hair specialist." 

Oh readers, I can't tell you the feeling of relief that washed over me when he said this. Finally, finally I was going to get my hair sorted out by an expert. Everything was going to be fine! It was such a wonderful dream. 

*Weird, because my GP is actually a woman. Good one, stupid patriarchal subconscious. 

Bret Easton Ellis, I love you (PM)

This is great news. I'm pretty sick of all my podcasts. For a while there all I wanted to listen to was podcasts about babies. Then I got pretty tired of listening to podcasts about babies. All that information about babies and looking after them? Enough was enough.  I tired to return to my old favourites but my poor attention span meant it was hard to get anything out of them. So I've really been in the podcast wilderness. 

But I'm happy to give BEE a shot. Especially if he is talking to and about the Brat Pack. I made it to that talk J had to miss and he was a delightfully entertaining asshole. He talked about being on Grindr, which was in its very early days, and seemed super creepy and seedy to me but is now here to stay and part of people's lives. That pretty much sums up my feelings about BEE. Creepy and seedy but part of our lives. 

Meanwhile, it's 3am over here and I'm up feeding KB. I must say that life with a new(ish)born makes jetlag very easy to take as being awake at ridiculous hours is par for the course. He is so wide awake though. It's meant to be a dream fees where they barely open their eyes and go straight back to sleep once the eating is done. This guy looks like he wants to stay up all night and talk about his dreams and have a pillow fight and braid my hair. Go to sleep kid! 

What Baby said (AM)

Sometimes I have to tell Baby I can't do a thing for him because I'm writing Miss Soft Crab. I don't think he quite gets it (who the hell does?) I explained to him about it once and I think he thought it seemed pretty cool (little does he know). He asked if he could write a story for it. I said "Of course not kid, you can't write!" Just jokes. I said sure and then he told me some stories. Am I exploiting a 5-year-old by using publishing it? Maybe! 

Please welcome Baby for his first guess post:  

I was pretty scared of that dream but now I’m not scared of it but it was a nightmare, but before the scary part all the stuff was nice. I can’t remember all of it but ok: There were people coming into the lair and they saw these pictures like in Beast Quest and Sea Quest, they were really small red line drawings. Everybody came in different ways, down stairs into a lair. There was a bat showing the pictures and it was turning and turning and one person rolled down a stair case and fell flat 'cause he was dead. There was a girl who was a lady holding a baby. Then the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were running down the hill with a man.

The girl one: Once I was at kinder, it was a really large kinder I was in the OG room there was a girl my age but she didn’t notice me but I thought she was quite pretty. She was carrying something like a doona and it closed around us and so we were inside it and then she noticed me. And we were talking. Then we got out. She was four but she grew into a lady first. It took days and days but I wa still 4 and she was a teenager or a grown up. Then I said to her come and see this. I was showing her a hole in the ground. It was a bit weird. Then I woke up in the morning. 

New questions (AM)

I guess you think you know me pretty well after all these years. And you probably do. I love autumn and spring, I think of little aside from what I'm going to wear, what I should do with my hair and where have all the good hunks gone. If that is how you see me you have a pretty accurate picture. But lately something else has been creeping in and has taken a hold of my mind almost as strongly as my hair. It's the question of getting a cleaner. This is a conversation I have with various people at least once a week and if I'm going to be honest with you it's time you knew.

Until about a year ago I thought that getting a cleaner was something reserved for people that have really made it. Once you have the disposable income to spend on a cleaner you really have to be sitting pretty. But as Newbie grew into the kind of toddler that pulls everything from a shelf and then drops it one metre away the cleaning demanded for my house pretty much got beyond me. Now, I'm not saying it's his fault. No way. I'm just saying that keeping up with all the stuff he pulls off the shelf on top of washing clothes for four people, cleaning the kitchen after two or three meals a day and just general clean-keeping is really hard. Just keeping the house in a pleasant state is hard enough but how do you do things like clean the bathroom, do the gardening, dust the records? (Not a rhetorical question, seriously, how?!)

And I'm not saying I'm special, I talk to people with one child or no children and everyone is wondering the same thing, "Can I justify a cleaner"? I felt pretty inspired the other day when I was visiting a friend who lives with her 5-year-old son in a tiny one-bedroom bungalow and she told me that about once a month she gets a cleaner to come in and just give the place a really good once-over. I think this may be the answer for me but why haven't I done it. What is holding me back? Do I hate myself? Why can't I let myself be happy?!

If you need a more classic Miss Soft Crab conundrum here you go:

Do you think I should buy this jumpsuit? I kind of love it but perhaps I'm having a 4/10-life crisis.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Dreams

Last night dreamt I met

Questlove in a Johnstone Street

Taqueria. Weird. 

Last week dreamt I met

Snoop on a bus in Cali 

Offered me a joint

What does it all mean?

Probably that I should, must

Get out a lot more 

What's coming my way this week (AM)

Last night, before I went to bed, I mulled over a few things I might write about today. The Apple Watch, which I think about and covet all the time, for no tangible reason. My rubbish wardrobe and how badly I want new everything. That was about it. As you can see, these topics are very very boring to everyone who is not me, and truth be told, they're pretty boring to me too. I decided I would wait until morning, and see what inspiration a new day would bring. I turned out the lights and went to bed.

Next thing I knew, it was about 3:30am and I was awake. This happens to me a lot. My body has some kind of setting that means I wake up four hours after I've gone to sleep, pretty much on the dot, pretty much every night. I usually lie awake for about 15 minutes then go straight back to sleep. It's not so bad. Sometimes, I start to worry that I won't get back to sleep and then I don't. Those nights are the worst. Last night, I was pretty relaxed and so started thinking about the week ahead and the things I've got planned and this made me feel quite good. It also made me think "I know! Tomorrow I'll blog about what's coming my way this week! It will make for interesting reading and it won't make me look too shallow because it won't just be about the Apple Watch. I will call the post "What's coming my way this week". I felt quite happy with this decision and so when I rolled over in bed, I promptly fell asleep.

Now it's morning and I realise that that decision was made with the logic that is available to people at 3:30am, which is to say, none. You see, I have practically nothing planned for this week. Tomorrow night I'm going to a council-run seminar called Navigating Childcare in Darebin. On Wednesday morning I'm having a session with a personal trainer at the gym, which you get free when you sign up and i've been too lazy to organise until now. That's it. That's all that's coming my way this week.
Decisions I make at 3:30am in the morning are clearly quite bad.

Kids say the darndest things (AM)

So who knew Bill Cosby was such a rotten apple? Crikey. 

A little side note: I had a dream the other night that my boss called me in to his office to tell me that the big boss, the man in charge, had requested that I brief him on the Bill Cosby situation as a matter of urgency. I said "Of course!" but then thought shit, I need to get up to speed on Cosby because all I know is something vague about rape and qualudes. True story. 

Anyway, th allegations don't change the fact that the dude was right about one thing: kids really do say the darndest things. 

Last night, I was at Mum and Dad's house celebrating Mum's 70th birthday. Happy birthday Mum! Niecey and Little Nut were there, and in fine form because they are small children and therefore love birthdays. They also have strong views about birthday cake. Love it fully sick. They were talking about it all night including the whole time we were eating our roast chicken and vegetables, only they weren't eating their dinners, they were just talking about cake. Midbro made the point that if they didn't start putting proper food in their cake holes, then their cakes holes would not deserve to be called cake holes. Little nut got a bit teary over this but Niecey reassured him by saying "don't worry Little Nut, it's dinner time now so your cake hole is actually your Broccolini hole, but it will become your cake hole again after dinner ."

Ha. 

 

Dreams can come true (PM)

I had no idea that story was going to end so happily! Even though the post was called Dreams can come true. But who would dare to dream such a thing? I know I willed the ideal coat into being, but even I would never dream that something I had loved and lost in seasons past would return. That's what I would consider to be an impossible dream. But I guess impossible dreams are still dreams.
Anyway, this is a wonderful thing that has happened, and I'm very happy for J.
But, I can't like to you guys. I'm also a little jealous. Because I have an impossible dream of my own.
Once, a few years ago, I tried on a shearling jacket at Scanlan and Theodore that was truly excellent. It cost something like $900, so when I tried it on, it was purely for the fun of it. It was never a genuine prospect. But I loved it quite a lot when I tried it on. Straight away, I loved it. I run a little cold you see, and the thought of wearing what is basically a lambskin akin to those babies lie on everyday was very appealing to me. But $900 is ridiculous, so I walked away.
But I think about that jacket often. More often than I'd like to admit to. And I've been to the Scanlan and Theodore outlet many times looking for it. I've scoured ebay. But it's gone forever. I've chalked it up as an impossible dream. But, um, dreams can come true so who knows how this story will eventually play out.

Dreams can come true (AM)

While recently revisiting some of Miss Soft Crab's archive I saw this post about when K found her dream coat a couple winters ago. Remember? She and I had imagined the perfect coat for her and she basically found it the very next day, as if our very conversation had brought it into being. Of course I was happy for her and when I happened upon the post recently I wondered at the miracle that was finding that coat and, honestly, I felt a little jealous. Just at the thought of finding the item of your dreams. That happens once, maybe twice in a lifetime. Or maybe more, but not often. 

The winter after K bought that coat I rushed into a coat purchase of my own. It's a fine coat but certainly not one dreams are made of. So the question arises, how much thinking do you need to do before buying a thing?

Two summers ago I tried on a pair of bathers I was really hot for. I wanted a one piece because I only had a tatty one  and a bikini (I know, I can't believe me) but I wasn't sure if I could justify the purchase. This one piece was a great cut, nice colour, modest! Everything I was looking for, but they were $150 which is what nice bathers cost and well I thought on it too long and they passed me by. I went back and they were gone never to even see a sale rack. I thought about them often and as another summer approaches I've been wondering if I'd ever again meet a one piece I'd feel the same way about. I hoped búl, the brand of those lost bathers may provide something for me this year, but enquiries lead me to learn they were no longer doing swimwear. Woe was me. 

But then... I barely dare to speak these words...guess what opened on the weekend! A búl outlet store! Boy was I nervous when I went in and asked if they had swimwear. The answer was yes and I was more nervous still when I asked about one pieces and styles only to learn that the only ones they had were the very ones I searched for and the very price they cost was a measley $30!

K may have imagined a coat into being but I imagined some bathers back from the dead! Miracles can happen and fashion dreams really can come true!

 

Living the dream (AM)

Australia is always accusing itself of suffering from tall poppy syndrome but have you seen how wild we go when an Australian wins an Oscar or gets cast as a super hero?! We love it! But you know, before a person wins an Oscar or is cast as a superhero they usually have to work really hard doing awesome things and I wonder why we don't talk about that more, about the people working hard on awesome things. Sure not everyone is going to play Thor or win an Oscar but there is lots of great stuff happening out there worth taking notice of. 

Melbourne musician Monica Sonand was working a day job and writing music on the side before deciding to move to LA to study film scoring and technical score engineering at UCLA. It wasn't long before she started getting work. Not just anywhere, mind you, no. Monica has been working at Hans Zimmer's Remote Control Productions as a Film Score Technical Engineer. Yes I said Hans Zimmer, the guy that has scored probably every second movie you've seen, from The Lion King to 12 Years a Slave. But we're not here to talk about Hans. 

While at Remote Control Productions Monica worked on the scores on an impressive list of films including Oliver Stone's Savages and Ron Howard's Rush, for which she had to watch Chris Hemsworth all day long.* Yep, the rest of us are definitely in the wrong line of work. And while we're on the topic of setting scores to Australian actors, Monica also created much of the music for TV series Chicago Fire, starring Jesse Spencer. Yep, bringing Aussies together even though Spencer is totally oblivious of the fact. Oh, the lot of the Film Score Technical Engineer, working alone in a dark studio while Jesse Spencer rides on a fire truck. 

Monica in the studio

But as if a move to Hollywood and a job alongside some of the industry's best names wasn't enough, this month Monica was in Switzerland for the Locarno Film Festival for the short film Thirst, to which she travelled with the film's director, Rachel McDonald and star, Melanie Griffith. 

Monica (right) with the Thirst team at Locarno

Monica and Rachel met through Remote Control on the film It's Complicated. When Rachel came to direct Thirst, she liked idea of working with a female composer and when she heard the piece Monica wrote for the film Rachel was sold. The piece became the theme of the film and no wonder! Check it out in the trailer. 

After hanging out in Switzerland with Melanie Griffith and a bunch of movie making whizzes I'm pretty sure Monica will be doing something awesome next. And now I'm starting to think I need a dream so I can pursue it and do something awesome too! 

*This job probably involved other stuff too, like, you know doing her actual job.