One

I went away on the weekend and gee it was nice. 

So much of that sweet autumn sun and those beautiful autumn leaves. And because of all the rain, green grass to set it off so nicely. Does Autumn feel particularly lush this year? 

***time lapse***

I just went looking for J's last post about how great autumn is to reference here, and in the process I realised it's winter now. Oopsadaisy. But only just. It's that part of winter that actually feels like fully-fledged autumn, unlike the start, which really feels like leftover summer. Look, it's beautiful outside at the moment. Do we need to apply labels to it? 

Anyhoo, it's Tugboat's birthday in a few weeks.  He will be 1. I can't believe it's been a year (almost) since the day he was born. It was a great day. I bought some new ugg boots, then went to hospital to be induced.  There was a terrible storm, and after a while they said little Tugboat was not doing so well so how did I feel about a cesarean. I said super, thanks for asking.

Half an hour later I was lying in theatre, trembling like a leaf, so the anaesthetist put a hose under the sheet I was lying under, and it blew warm air all over me. I loved him for that. I don't remember much after the warm air, except a massive amount of pressure being applied to my belly as someone pushed Tugboat down from on top while my doctor pulled him out from below. I'm sure it was legit.  The next thing I remember was everyone in the room laughing because Tugs had grabbed onto a piece of cord  holding up the sheet, and he wouldn't let go for love nor money.

 I had many questions, like "Is my baby OK?" and "Seriously, is my baby OK?" but there was so much laughter I had to wait for a break before I could be heard. Eventually they prised his hand from the cord and put him on my chest and I'm sure you all know the rest. Cuddles and tears, on for young and old. I didn't know he was a boy so I found that out. The people in the room asked what his name would be and Appleheart said "tell em!!" so I said "Tugboat!" and everyone cheered. I guess it was pretty much the best day of my life, along with when KB was born and some other really choice days. 

It's weird that it was almost a year ago. And also weird that there was a time before Tugboat. 

I really hope this works (AM)

So some of you might be wondering why J was the only crab to post anything last week. J, who on Monday last week, gave birth. Then on Wednesday last week had just made it home from hospital with a two day old baby. First, let me say I'm very sorry. And let me tell you the reason, which is actually two reasons. The first reason is that the new IOS does not seem to like the blogger site and whenever you try to write a blog post the whole thing crashes, which is very annoying when you're 99% of the way through a blog post, and iphone is an essential piece of equipment for your blogging life. Seriously Apple, seriously Google, I expect the two of you to get together and sort out your differences. The other part is that as I've regularly told you all, J is the sensible one in this outfit. If you've ever wondered whether there is one crab to rule them all then the answer is yes, those giant crabs that live on the ocean floor and you see on David Attenborough documentaries, but after that it's J. And don't you think she deserves a break to get to know her new baby who is off the charts cute? Yes, I think so too. So, Miss Soft Crab is going to have a new-life hiatus for a few weeks. We'll be back in November, the day before the public holiday for that big horse race. See you then, crab fans!

Shameful confessions (PM)

It's a tough one, isn't it? Spending all this time reading baby names, I guess that is a pretty  judgemental way to spend your time. But at the same time if people are going to give their kids those idiotic names, how can we not judge?!

But don't worry too much, when I saw that picture of Bodhi and Keanu* this morning I thought of The River's Edge which was on TV last night and which I watched some of. That movie is about a teenager that kills his girlfriend, comes to school and tells all his friends and for the most part they just seem to feel it's a bit shit but whaddya gonna do about it? Except for Crispin Glover who seems to think it's fine. And Keanu Reeves and Ione Skye who think it's totally shit.



I mean, they were all friends with the murdered girl and they're all, like, whatevs. It seemed pretty implausible to me and I wondered how such a film could be made, even in the 80s when filmmakers wanted us to believe you could tie some strings to a dead guy for a weekend and convince his friends he was still alive. But apparently I'm missing the point and it was about familial dysfunction and, probably, an America being torn apart by the loose morals of the 80s. Or maybe communism. Who knows. It was great watching baby Keanu though.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that until you've killed your girlfriend or let you buddy get away with such a crime, you're probably doing ok.

*Recently I was at the pool and heard a mother call out to her kid Keanu, you can bet I judged the shit out of it!!!

Shameful confessions (AM)

KB slept really badly last night which means I slept really badly last night. It led to some behaviour I'm not proud of. During one of the many cuddling sessions in which I attempted to coax him back to sleep, I remembered that the bonds baby search is currently underway. I thought maybe I would have a look and she whether there were any amusing baby names. Obviously I wasn't thinking clearly because there is the mother load of amusing baby names  and last night, I laughed at all of them. Highlights included the many Braxtons and Nixons. A couple of Bodhis. There was a Princess. Of course there were many idiotic spellings of regular names. But may favourite by far was Carol. Cute little baby Carol. 

Many times I told myself I would stop, then find myself clicking on the next page. It went on longer than it should have. And I feel pretty douchey for doing it. I mean, they are real people. But, it's up for another day or two if you're interested. 

Hello Bobby Dobby (AM)

Two months ago on the outskirts of Melbourne a litter of Irish Setter puppies was born, and all the way up in Far North Queensland LB's mother heard them calling to her. So, of course, she arranged to buy one. I am not going to complain about it because for the last 3 days this adorable puppy has been staying with us.

I'm not going to complain about the shit and piss he keeps doing in the house either, or the crying he does in the middle of the night, because he is really cute. And he is leaving in 36 hours, at which time the shit and piss levels in the house should return to normal. And did I mention he is really cute? Because, he really is.

Although his name will change, we call him Bobby Dobby. Baby named him that after he went to one music class where there was a toy monkey named Bobby Dobby. It surprised me that Bobby Dobby made much of an impression on him, but perhaps he responded for the same reason I did, because the teacher is Russian. Now imagine a Russian woman saying "Hello, Bobby Dobby." Now do it again with a better Russian accent. Great isn't it?

Yeah, you bet I am loving looking after a dog that is this cute:

And that gives me an excuse to talk in a Russian accent all the time. As if I needed one.

Hunk of the Month Club: Jimmy Bartel

Greetings, hunk fans!

Can you believe it's already been a whole month since our first hunk of the month? How time flies!  Since then, the days have become shorter and colder and Miss Soft Crab has turned its attention to wintery pleasures: 

Woollen jumpers. 

Pasta. 

Double doonas. 

And of course, Jimmy Bartel. 

Now, we know that not everyone is in to football, and we respect that. In fact, we thought for about two minutes  long and hard about whether Jimmy was a suitable choice for HotMC. The last thing we want is for the Crab community to feel alienated by our choice of hunk. But as J eventually reasoned: 

a) HotMC is not a science, Mate, and I don't think it necessarily has to be the hottest hunk or anything like that;

b) If he is the guy that came up than he is the hunk of the month I say!

c) Celebrate diversity! We should have hunks from all walks of life;

d) Footy season is here, another reason he is an apt HotMC.

e) JIMMY! I effing love that guy

Quite right, Mate. Quite right. 

So lets begin, shall we? I guess because he is a footballer, we should start with some stats.

Jimmy Bartel is a perfect 10! That's the only stat worth knowing.

Just jokes. 

Jimmy is a 28-year-old hunk who grew up in Geelong and has been tearing it up at Cat Park since 2002. In addition to being a Brownlow medalist, Norm Smith medallist and triple premiership player, Jimmy is the most handsome man in the most handsome team in the AFL. Jimmy makes Max Rooke look like a carpet. Jimmy makes Joel Selwood look like an emu. Jimmy makes Tom Hawkins look like a man made from plasticine. In truth, Tom Hawkins is largely to blame for this too. But that Jimmy stands handsome head and handsome shoulders above all these other handsome men really says something about Jimmy. Of course, HotMC isn't just about what I think. Hot MC is a democracy. Take it away, Mate!

J: Geez. Jimmy Bartel. That guy is a really special guy. You can tell because, as you say, he stands out as super handsome in the AFL's handsomest club AND he looks good all the ways!

Like this:

With a beard, running

Like this:

Without a beard, running

Like this:

The original caption on this picture when we found it on the internet was "Some guy kissing Jimmy Bartel". Heh.

K: Whoa there. He sure does look good all the ways.Here is another one:

"Why no, Max, I haven't read Miss Soft Crab today. They said what now? HAHAHAHA. Oh Max. You do look  bit like a carpet".

K: Personally, I love how Jimmy wears the long sleeved jumper. Football players do not seem to understand how good that looks, so few of them do it. Jimmy does it though. Covers those arms right up like he know he should.

J: Yeah, there is something super special about the way Jimmy wears the long sleeved jumper. Leaving a little to the imagination ay, Jimmy? I also like how it suggests that he just wants to be warm and comfy. Man after my own heart. 

K: There's no reason why a man can't be hot and practical. No reason at all! I bet he's got a wardrobe full of jumpers at home. I bet he knows exactly when and how to wear those soft woolly babies like a HotMC man should. 

Here's an interesting Jimmy fact: despite being a Brownlow medalist, despite being a Norm Smith medalist, despite being the most handsome man in the AFL, Jimmy has never won the GFC Best and Fairest. 

Um, you guys, he is the mother flipping fairest of them all!

J: HAHAHA! Yeah he is!

Another thing that is interesting about Jimmy as a hunk is that he is so different to a hunk like, say, Viggo, our inaugural MSC HotMC hunk. Viggo, of course, is a real hunk, a mature and hot man, Jimmy is more of your straight up PHWOAR hunk. And I think it is important to note that we have room in our hearts for every kind of hunk.

You know I spend a fair amount of time in the Geelong area and now and again I see a GFC player. Varcoe, Ling, Ottens, Steve Johnson, and every time I think, "why is it never Jimmy?" But, truth be told, I probably would barely be able to contain myself if I did. 

K: Oh, I'm straight up sure I couldn't contain myself if I saw him in the wild. I got all giggly when I saw Nick Riewoldt at the Coles on Church Street one time, and he couldn't even make it on to the HotMC emergency substitute list. 

Anyway, regardless of whether we ever get to test how apeshit we would go if we saw him in real life,  I'm pretty sure I speak for both of us when I say, Jimmy Bartel, you are a top shelf hunk and I hope that damned girlfriend of yours knows how damned lucky she is goddamn it.