I tried to tell K last night how I loved her post yesterday. I loved how she brought us hunks through HotMC and HotMC through WTF Wednesday. Ironic that our last week before an indefinite but hopefully finite hiatus should come so easily and be so enjoyable to read and write.
Anyway it's Thursday and there would be no other appropriate way to spend our last ever Thursday (before this hiatus) than revisiting some golden hiaku. Some may think Hiaku Thursday was just an easy way out but in fact Haiku Thursday is goldmine of pristine nuggets just waiting to be (re)discovered. Seriously there is some great shit in there. But today I'm going to reproduce some haiku from three of the most important themes to ever be explored through haiku: Sparkleface, Jews, and the most famous Jew - Jesus.
Haiku impressions of Edward Cullen
by K and J
I
Stupid Sparkleface
With his stupid sparkly face
Get a real face!
II
You can climb a tree
Really fast. Um, so what, guy!
So can possums! Dick.
III
Edward Cullen's best
Thing are his ever larger
Volvos. For reals guy.
IV
Girl found you're a vamp
By searching the internet.
That's really lame, guy.
V
I think vamps are hot
But somehow Cullen kills it
Pussy vamps aren't hot.
Haiku impressions of Jacob
by K and J
I
In real life I
Love wolves. In Twilight Saga
I'm team wolf. TEAM WOLF!
II
I love how the wolves
Are giant. I love how they
Are too hot for shirts
III
I love how the wind
Blows through their fur. It suggests
Sensitivity.
IV
As well as being
a wolf (hot), Jake just seems like
better company.
V
If Edward's feelings
For Bella are wrong, then mine
For Jacob are too
VI
Yeah. I guess we both
Know police chief swan is more
Age appropriate.
Just one more, I promise
I love you I hate
You I love you I hate you
Breaking Dawn Part 1
If J's allowed one, then I'm allowed one
Breaking Dawn Part 1.
You sucked so very much. So
Why can't I quit you?
Haiku interpretations of what a random selection of Jews might have written in their diaries during the time that they were enslaved in Egypt and leading up to their release
Pharaoh be trippin’
He be hatin’ and killin’
Why he oppressin’?
Jews are people too
The chosen people! Jealous?
Suck it up bitches!
Is this for real?
Gotta put blood on my door?
Oi vey! What a mess!
Who’s this guy Moses?
You want I should follow him?
I hope he’s a mensch
Haiku interpretations of what one very astute observer may have written in his diary
I
Blood, frogs, lice, flies and
Pestilence, boils, hail
Locusts and darkness
II
What’s coming next, huh?
Slaying of the first born? No!?
Suck it, oppressors
Haiku impressions of what Jesus might have written in his diary during the week leading up to his crucifixion.
Last winter (or was it the winter before?) I remember K wanting to buy
some pyjamas. I all but scoffed at her. Where the hell is the joy in
pyjamas? In winter, it's tracksuit pants you want, fleecy and snug, this
is where real joy comes from. I was vehement in my brain if not in my
derision of her quest for jarmies. I know she found some and I know they
brought her great joy. A joy I did not believe was real. Fleece track
suit pants was the only way to find winter peace.
Well that is all well and good when one owns a good pair of tracksuit
pants. Dare to dream, I used to say. Also, I used to own joy-bringing
pants, a fleecy, warm pair. But time wearies all things of beauty, so
too these pants and we had to part. Last year I was on a mission to find
what I like to call BSMs, or Bella Swan maternity pants, the pants
Kristen Stewart wears during Bella's entire pregnancy in Twilight Saga:
Breaking Dawn Part 1.
Here are Bella and Sparkleface enjoying at tender moment as they await the birth of their vampiric progeny
They are sort of fitted, yet tracksuity and I
thought they would answer my tracksuit prayers. But lo, like vampires,
such a pant seems not to exist outside of the realm of fantasy. I found a
poor approximation but they pilled to all git out, which really negated
any softness and comfort they had, and they too had to go.
This year I started my search early but my usual go to, Bonds, do not
even have a fleecy tracksuit pant in their range! The best they offer
is a terry loop, and where is the joy in that! There is none. American
Apparel have fleece pants but I find it difficult to part with the kind
of money they want for such an unflattering item.
Guys, I've been despondent. And then, last week it hit me: flannel
pyjamas. Sure I felt a traitor to myself, but once it came to me I could
think of nothing else. I left work on a lunch break and returned with
the most joy bringing pyjamas.
Mate, I'm sorry I scoffed at your love of pyjamas. I know happiness and I know flannel can bring it.
I am so glad some people do what they do.
And I am so glad I had the sense to watch that clip before I went to work, when no one else was around and I could squawk and guffaw and shed my own tears of hysteria freely without the need for censorship.
This is the actual tissue I used to dab the hysterical tears from my cheeks.
And this is the song I'm going to be listening to all afternoon.
This week has been pretty exhausting. Yeah, this is only my second working day of the week. And mostly I've just been watching Breaking Bad, looking in some shops, chilling with my homies, dancing, cooking, but you know, my brain got all jazzed on spring earlier this week and what goes up must come down.
So looking for inspiration last night I did all sorts of questionable things. I watched 15 minutes of The Footy Show hoping they would give me something. I knew they wouldn't, but Jimmy Bartel was on and I am, after all, a human. Anyway, even Jimmy couldn't make that shit watchable so I turned to Facebook. I hardly ever look at that stupid website these days and now I know why. All FB gave me was a raging jealousy of Chickpea's trip to Tokyo and her access to all that stationary, also I got sore eyes after rolling them so much at all the annoying shit people say.
But then. Just before bed I had one last look. And I saw this! Two friends posted it. And thank Christ! The first time I saw the link I didn't click it. Thanks Little Wonders for posting this clip of Edward and Bella' bad lip reading. Otherwise I might have gone to bed without shedding those tears of hysteria.
It's Friday! The last Friday of the month! And that means one thing around here. Hunk of the Month Club!!!! But check it out you guys, we know you don’t all have the enthusiasm for hunks we do, the enthusiasm most often seen in 13-year-girls. Some of you may have that enthusiasm for babes! And if you generally don’t have enthusiasm for hotties, maybe you should just come back next week.
Anyway, as if we don’t alienate many of you enough, what with our constant chatter of hunks, grooming, clothes, food and emotions, we introduce Hunk of the Month Club. Sorry. So we thought it was time to introduce BABE OF THE MONTH CLUB. Actually, Midbro suggested it to K months back, long enough ago that I think we can now claim it as our own idea. Of course it won’t be monthly, it’s more like, Triannual Babe Day. Anyway welcome to our first ever.
J: So, Mate, our first BotMC and we have chosen K-Stew, perhaps
controversial, among ourselves as much as among the wider community,
but there is just something about her I kind of love. Sure, when I
first saw her, in Panic Room, all I thought was "Is that a girl or a
boy?" When I saw her in Into the Wild I thought "Who is that really
pretty girl hanging out with Emile Hirsch? Bitch" And when I saw her in the first two Twilight movies I
thought "Has there ever been a more annoying, nauseating character in
film before?" But when I saw The Runaways, everything kind of changed
for me.
HOT!
K: Is K-Stew in Into the Wild? I didn't even know that. You're not thinking of that girl who was in Donnie Darko and who's name is a lot like Jenna Moroney, but is something else?
Nope, I just checked IMDB - you're right, K-Stew is in Into the Wild. (As is Jena Malone). Evidently I don't remember that film terribly well. I just remember it being really sad and Emile Hircsh being a real babe.
But enough about me and my memories. Lets talk about me and K-Stew. My introduction to K-Stew came with the first Twilight movie. I have never read the books, so knew nothing about this Bella Swan bird or Sparkleface or that there was a Team Wolf and one day, I would be a card carrying member of that team (it's not a real team).
I was so naive back then, I had no idea what a pile of hilarious BS Twilight was, and how K-Stew's Bella was at the centre of all that steaming BS. It didn't take long though. A few minutes in and I really started to hate on Bella and by default, K-Stew.
And I have to say, I only saw The Runaways because I thought it would be good to hate on K-Stew a little more. But just as you say Mate, the hate stopped pretty quick smart.
J: Yeah,
Emile Hirsch is a total babe in Into the Wild. That guy should work more!
But, back to The Runaways. In the words of Joan Jett I love rock n'
roll. And I love hating on annoying people so I guess that is why saw
the film too, I totally thought I would hate on K-Stew, but I didn't. I
loved her! Firstly, she is really pretty. Secondly, I loved how in every
second scene she was standing up and zipping up her pants cause she was just doing it with someone or pissing on something! I LOVED
THAT! I loved it!
So HOT!
K: She was kind of great, wasn't she? So great that I'm pretty sure I
didn't think of Bella Swan once while watching it. And at some point
after it, I realised that I didn't want to say "UGHHGGHHHHHHH" every
time I saw a picture of her. Things had changed.
J: Yeah, I mean I'm sure Joan Jett has a lot to do with my feelings for
K-stew but that's ok. I also think there may be some Team Wolf
transference. You know affection by association
HOT!!!
K: For me, liking K-Stew requires me to overcome my incredulity that
someone like Jacob could actually like someone like Bella. He is a WOLF
and she is basically a Pomeranian. It's sick and gross and mother nature
would be spewing if she knew about it.
But nevertheless. Seeing The Runaways led to the silence of the
hate, which meant that a few months ago, when you said something to me,
Mate, I was open to hearing it. Do you remember what that this was?
J: Oh, look, I am as opposed to Jacob's obsession with Bella as much as the
next person. Nothing seems more unnatural. I'm just saying I think
there may be some subconscious connection my brain is making and a
transference of affection/attraction.
Anyway, no, I don't remember what I said. Was it something along the lines of "Have you watched the Snowhite and the Huntsman preview yet? It looks freaking awesome and I think I love K-Stew!"?
K: HAHA. No, it wasn't that. But you were right about the preview for Snow White and the Huntsman.
No, it was when you were reading Twilight and you couldn't
comprehend how annoying Bella was. I think I nodded and made some kind
of sound that indicated I agree with you but, knowing I hadn't read the
books, you went further.
"No, Mate," you said, "You don't understand. You know how annoying Bella is in the
movies? Well that's nothing compared to how annoying she is in the
books. The book version of Bella makes the movie version of Bella
seem tolerable. For K-Stew to be able to pull that off makes me think
she must be some kind of wizard."
It was a real lightbulb moment for me.
J: Oh, yeah. I was getting to that. People, Bella Swan in the Twilight
books is truly the most repulsive character I have ever come across
ever. The most repulsive. And I have read all of Bret Easton Ellis's
books. She is the most passive, uncharmingly self-effacing, worst dressed character I
have ever had the displeasure of reading and the fact that K-Stew makes
her even vaguely watchable speaks volumes of the magic of K-Stew.
K: Gosh, I really don't want to read Twilight.
Ok, so lets recap.
watching Twilight makes one hate K-Stew
watching The Runaways silences the hate
reading Twilight makes one respect K-Stew
But there is a missing link here. I don't think we would have
gone from hating on K-Stew so hard to making her our very first Miss
Soft Crab Babe of the Month if it hadn't been for a certain someone who
blew that K-Stew trumpet loudly and consistently from day one: Chickpea.
J : It's true, Chickpea has long been a champion for K-Stew and her
enthusiasm is infectious! No doubt. But you know sometimes you just need
the seed to be sown and true love can bloom!
You know what else I've kind of come to love about her, even though I
hate it on Bella Swan, that little half smile. When she does it as
Bella I think, shit Bella, grow some balls, just smile or don't! But
when I see K-stew do it I think it is kind of adorable! Is there
something wrong with me?!
K: The problem is Bella. She basically ruins
everything for everyone. At least, that's the hypothesis we should test
against when we go see Snow White and the Huntsman next
week. Because the truth is: everyone can see that K-Stew is a
serious babe, but one who's babe-integrity is seriously compromised by
that goddamn whiner Bella Swan.
Choose Jacob you stupid, stupid girl!
J: Imagine if K-Stew didn't play Bella Swan! We'd probs all be
totally in love with her for real. I think that the truth will all be
revealed when we see SWATH next week, you're right. And I can't effing
wait to see it!
So I guess that basically K-Stew is our very first Babe of the Month
because, despite playing the most annoying character in history, she has
captured our imagination. Moreover, that gives her the
repulsive/attractive thing so crucial to so many hunks! It's a classic combo and I guess she's nailed it!
So, I don't know if you guys have ever noticed, but basically this blog is just some stuff we ate and saw and thought about. Sure sometimes that stuff comes from our brains. But sometimes, when we are lucky, that stuff gets caught on camera.
So I thought you may be interested in seeing some of the stuff I've eaten, seen, and thought about lately. Here goes.
First, some things I ate:
Jokies, I didn't eat a pigeon. I just saw this pigeon drinking some water in the city and thought it looked really cute.
I did eat this pie though. After it was cooked of course. When it looked like this:
It had a delicious buttery pastry and a filling of chilli beans, corn and potato. When it was cooked the eggs were a little runny. And yes, it was DELICIOUS! Couldn't eat that in summer, no sirree.
You know what else I ate recently? Some delicious carrots and beetroot.
Maybe it doesn't look so appetising, but it does look like a found cock! HAHA!
But seriously folks, recently I was at the zoo and I saw so many mind blowing things, including some green frogs that sat really flat on leaves and had adorable peaceful smiles. They were to small to photograph well, but these iguanas weren't! Iguanas are awesome!
Oh, and did you know I saw Prince recently?
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Just like I couldn't resist taking a photo of these Twilight Edition Barbies K and I saw recently. Yes, that is Bella Barbie and Sparkleface Barbie. WTF?! Look at their faces? They look nothing like Bella and Sparkleface. Mattel just think they can just stick a Barbie in a box with packaging telling you they are Twilight Barbie and people will buy it?! In fact I'm pretty sure that Sparkleface Barbie is just a Chuck Bass Barbie repackaged. What? Why wouldn't they have Gossip Girl Barbie? Crazy times people! Anything is possible.
There is a poster for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 on Punt Rd and every time I drive past it I get so freaking excited about seeing that movie. Every time I see HP staring intensely at Voldemort over that wand I get a little flutter in my tummy!
I love Harry Potter. I love the books, I love the movie, and I love this thing from the Oscars this year. (I also like the JT bit and the T.Laut bit but we all know that 'Tiny ball of light' is the hero of the piece. Because it is funny. And maybe because I love Ron more than I should. He is great though, isn't he? But it's not as if I want to do it with him. I think. I mean, if I had the opportunity I don't think I would. He is barely an adult. Yeah, I'm almost positive I would not do it with him. Yep. Pretty sure. But I would like to unequivocally say I would definitely not do it with T.Laut even though I am 100% Team Wolf.)
But of course my excitement about the film is tempered by regret. I am sure this film is going to be awesome. But then there will be no more Harry Potter movies. IT ALL ENDS 7.15! At least when I read the last book I still had the movies to look forward to. But soon it will all be over. Like all the best things I guess.
When I was in NYC at FAOSchwarz they had quite a Harry Potter section. LB pulled me through it quickly as I protested, "God, I'm not so in love with HP that I want to buy this shiz" (even though I was kind of tempted to buy a Gryffindor tie, but being a grown up with a house full of shit I thought better of it).
Remember when you used to work at the library and bump me up the reservation lists? I remember how you did that for me when Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire first came out. You just bumped me ahead of all those little kids waiting so desperately to read that book. I really appreciate that. I will never forget the day that Cedric Diggory died (in many ways he died the day Robert Pattinson became Sparkleface). I was really sick with the flu. So sick I had to miss that Avalanches gig people still talk about. I was sick in bed and read HP4 all weekend. And when Voldemort returned... and Cedric died... and Harry's parents come out of the wand! Shit, I'm tearing up just thinking about it. Before that book Harry Potter was good, but after that! Well after that it was something else all together.
