A new beginning

GET OUT OF TOWN!* We're back!!

Oh my god you guys! Can you believe we're back here?!?

You know, when Miss Soft Crab went on indefinite hiatus a couple of years ago we thought we may see you back here one day. As K said at the time, "I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know." Thank god QEII has not, well, you know. And we never got to Jamface. And I haven't gone blonde. Although K kinda did. I think it's safe to say that we did not imagine that a global pandemic that was changing the way we all live was going to be the thing that ended this hiatus. But it is. 

I mean, these are crazy times. Today AWOL emailed to say he had pneumonia and not coronavirus as he at first suspected, and I responded "Great news!" I mean the guy has pneumonia FFS!

A lot of other unforeseeable things happened too. Casey Affleck, a much loved MSC hunk, seen below in our last post, was revealed as a sex pest :( Ewan McGregor left his wife for another woman, so did Jimmy Bartel. Let's just say the Miss Soft Crab hunks have disappointed us. But let's just hope that in these crazy times, we don't forget to appreciate hunks. I mean, I don't think any of us could have imagined the winning combo of Brad and Leo gracig our screens and basically all media non-stop for about three months last year. And I for one couldn't be happier about that development. 

Another MSC favourite, QEII, has had a lot going on too.  Prince Harry married Meghan Markle and essentially left the royal fold, and there's the whole Prince Andrew thing. Ugh. But I feel like she's really embracing these difficult time. I mean look at this amazing outfit. 

So, here we are. Yes, we're going to talk about this weird fucking thing that is going on in the world. But we're also going to talk about all the things you've come to love us for. Hunks! Clothes! Food! Our hair. And a bunch of other stuff we thought about. 

We're back. And it feels pretty bloody good!

*Obviously you can't actually get out of town

What's happening?

I would never rarely give someone a hard time for thinking someone was a hunk. Especially a pretty boy. I LOVE them pretty. I mean I thought Paul Walker was a hunk after seeing Skulls. RIP PW. 

Sure I have a couple of issues with K's crush. Like, I don't really think he's that pretty. His eyes are too small for his big lips and all his features are squashed into the centre of his big face. Or maybe it's something about the nose. But having said that I've never seen him in anything and we all know a hunk animated is completely different to a 2D image of some guy. I mean I've barely even seen this guys face in any other guise than his Star Trek character and who the fuck knows why or when I've even seen that. Secondly I don't know if I'm imagining it but I feel like there is some kind of visual similarity between him and his Australian politician namesake. I know there isn't really but maybe something about the eyes. Or maybe it's my imagination. 

Either way that guy is not for me. So says I now. It would probably be a completely different story if I'd seen Hell or High Water. 

But who can think about hunks when what happened in America yesterday happened. You know that thing about how people say Americans are idiots and then you say well come on you can't make generalisations like that about entire nations and look at all the great things that came out of America. I mean, there really are heaps of great things. Like Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Shake Shack.

And yet...

K and I had a pretty insightful discussion about the Trump issue via text message yesterday. So instead of me rehashing it here I'll just let you read our text conversation. 

 

Bad dreams (PM)

You know people say it's boring listening to other people's dreams but I don't think that's true. As long as they are told well and are actually interesting dreams it's as interesting as hearing about real life and in many cases more interesting, have you heard some of the boring shit people say? Plus it potentially gives you an insight into a person's psyche, and what is better than that?

I haven't watched In the Thick of It but I wouldn't trust that Dr Who as far as I could throw him!

Meanwhile I've been having crazy dreams lately but nothing I can remember in any kind of comprehensive way that I could repeat here with any substance. For example that dream I mentioned in passing last week that ended (when I was woken by Newbie) with Jonah Hill and Leonardo DiCaprio fighting in an apartment stairwell only ended after I'd been having some kind of al fresco Spanish-inspired dinner with a bunch of friends next to a giant paddock where hundreds of couples were taking flamenco classes. Whaaaaa? Yeah, I don't know. Needless to say that I have been having a bunch of dreams with little cohesion and I do not feel like giving you any kind of insight into my psyche.

Who knows what to believe (PM)

There was a time, not that long ago, where the sheer volume of republican candidates seemed to be the most ridiculous thing about this pre-election period. That Donald Trump was one of them seemed to highlight this ridiculousness. As in, there are so many candidates, even Donald Trump is a candidate. Ha! 

Obviously we all stopped laughing shortly after that. 

It feels to me like we're in the political version of a David Lynch film. It's all dazzle dazzle technicolor abject terror. 

And yeah, at least we don't have to live in America but all those Americans do. 

For me, the only at least is the babies for Bernie phenomenon. 

Because I love babies dressed as old people. 

Who knows what to believe (AM)

Last night on the news I saw an American woman say, "I'm sick of America looking like a laughing stock to the rest of the world." I bet you are are sweetheart.

She was just some vox pop on a story about how Trump had won the Nevada caucus so convincingly and the implication, given she was standing near a bunch of people in TRUMP t-shirts, was that she was saying that is why she is voting for Trump. She wants Trump to be the candidate so finally America doesn't have to be a laughing stock anymore.

Now we're all pretty savvy, just because a piece of footage shows a person saying something doesn't mean they are saying what the television wants us to think. Just because this woman looked a little like a well manicured version of this:

And was standing around a bunch of Trump supporters doesn't mean she was actually supporting Trump and saying what most would consider possibly the most ironic statement of all time. She could have been saying the exact opposite but the point is someone is supporting Trump, right?

I remember when Obama was first running to be candidate thinking, well this guy sounds good, but would America really vote a black man as president. But the ground swell grew and it looked more and more likely and then... well I guess they weren't as fucked as I thought.

And I remember when Trump started running and then became an actual contender and I was thinking, well this guy sounds like a fucking idiot, surely even the Republicans couldn't nominate this guy as the candidate. But could it possibly be that they are even more fucked than I thought. I mean I know this whole process will continue for months and anything can happen, but still it really makes you wonder, right? That this repulsive man could even get this far.

I know there's this whole backlash against the heady libertarian America Obama has created (HA!) but sheesh.

And yet...maybe it's not even worth thinking about. All the Republican candidates seem to be gun-loving, abortion-damning climate change sceptics that I find pretty offensive. Marco Rubio sounds like a pretty open-minded guy though: "I'm theologically in line with the Roman Catholic Church. I believe in the authority of the church, but I also have tremendous respect for my brothers and sisters in other Christian faiths." That's so great that he can respect other Christians. The world will be fine with him at the helm of USA, a man that has such respect for diversity.

So I guess Trump schmump. At least I don't have to live in America.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Dreams

Last night dreamt I met

Questlove in a Johnstone Street

Taqueria. Weird. 

Last week dreamt I met

Snoop on a bus in Cali 

Offered me a joint

What does it all mean?

Probably that I should, must

Get out a lot more 

Is nothing sacred!?!?! (AM)

Hurtin'

I don't look at Facebook very often. I'd like to say it's only once a week, but in reality it's probably every two days, it just feels comparatively infrequent and my view is probably distorted. I stopped looking because it was so pointless and there was always links to depressing news items about how effed the world is or some post about some dumb shit from a person I don't much care for. Yesterday I looked though, and lucky too because my aunt had sent me a video of a tiny Spider-man-child and I also had an invite to a party. Oh it is the party of a one-year-old, not the kind with booze, but it's still social. So, there I was thinking how lucky it was I'd checked Facebook, scrolling down to see what else I'd missed when I saw, to my horror, a link to the new Point Break trailer. WHAT!?!?! I know! Who even knew there was new Point Break?! Maybe everyone knows, I am certainly no barometer of popular culture, but seriously, WTF?!

When I Googled this fucking schmozzle I was greeted by this article title: Point Break remake gets first trailer as fans of the original wonder why this is happening. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Obviously I watched the trailer. It went for 2:55 mins. At 1:22 I had already felt: UGH; Hahahahahaha how stupid; NO ONE CALLS YOU BODHI YOU ARE NOT BODHI!

The next 1:33 I just sat staring wondering why the eff this is happening. The new Point Break looks like heaps more action and heaps more stupid and I don't understand why they couldn't just make that movie and give it a different title and different names to the Bodhi and Johnny Utah characters and we could all peacefully continue living our lives. Why, for the love of God, WHY?!

This is probably just like that time I got upset about the new Footlose which, of course, because it was shit I never really had to think about after I first heard about it because no one ever spoke of it again. It is likely that is what will happen here. Some comedian called Max Silvestri tweeted "I love the movie Point Break but I've always wondered, "Would this be better if the leads had no charisma?" I'll find out this Christmas!" HAHA!

It's as if movie executives like to embrace challenge so hard they cast uncharismatic actors in stupid films while trampling all over what people in their 30s hold dear to their heart. Look, I like a professional challenge as much as the next person, but these guys are messing with lives.

See! This is why I don't look at Facebook, too many reminders of all that is wrong with the world.

I don't get it (PM)

Phew! When I started  reading Miss Soft Crab  this morning I thought K was going to say she didn't like Instagram and thought it was shit. God forbid.

Turns out she just doesn't like shit stuff like some of the spring/summer collections that are popping up in shops and the internet. 

The other day after K mentioned these sacks to me in an email I decided it was time to have a real proper look at Alpha60's latest range. 

In addition to the clown's nightie K featured earlier I saw this:

It made me imagine how things went while they were designing the collection. 

Designer 1: Fuck it I can't be bothered working on this season any more. Cut out 2 rectangles and sew them to some straps. 

Designer 2. Ok. But let's put circles over the boobs so it looks like we've done something. 

And these:

Designer 1: People expect more from us than just "pants".

Designer 2: I've got it! Let's put a circle over the crotch so it looks like we've done something.

At which point I emailed K to tell her I thought Alpha had jumped the shark and drunk the Kool-aid. But it's still likely I'll buy something from them before the end of the season. 

Printed pants (PM)

God, I don't know which way is up or down when it comes to printed pants, but Instagram's got nothing to do with it. I just can't seem to tell what's good any more.
I spent about 15 minutes in Kookai the other day, trying on a top that basically made me look like Melanie Griffiths in Working Girl. Kookai! Melanie Griffiths! I just couldn't tell.

I know I am captivated by these.

These pants are from Scanlan and Theodore and cost a million dollars, natch. 

But I'm pretty sure I only like them because I am watching a lot of Twin Peaks at the moment and these  pants are kind of Twin Peaksy. Or perhaps what I imagine David Lynch's pyjama pants would look like. I can't stop staring at them.

If J wasn't in a constant state of discomfort due to advanced pregnancy, I would suggest we go for one of our shopping trips where we try on only the wackest shit on the racks. If you haven't done it, readers, you really should. Typically, you laugh and laugh at how wack you look, then talk for days about how much you loved one or more of the things you tried on, and how you kind of want to buy it.
You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fall in love all over again.
And there's no way you'd have ambiguous feelings about printed pants afterwards.

No (PM)

Are you fucking kidding me?! FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE DOLLARS! Well, whatever, if your the fucking idiot that wants to buy those bathers you may as well drop 600 bucks on 'em. See if I care.

K actually sent me a link to those bathers yesterday, she said "Look at this swimsuit" and what I read was, "Look at this swimsuit I'm thinking of buying." Though let me make it quite clear those last 4 words were nowhere near the epage. I guess that is just what I infer from every emailed link to a product. And so you can imagine what I felt when I arrived at the webpage, confusion mainly, followed by more confusion. Followed by realisation. Followed by more confusion, you know that these bathers existed.

Also, Mate, I see the issue with the gold hardware is important, but you didn't even acknowledge the fringe. A fucking on a swimsuit.

But I guess fringes are really hot right now. Check out this fringed jumper I saw no less than 1 week ago on the Gorman website. Read carefully friends, I said 1week, not 1 decade ago.

You see fringes are so hot right now. Oh, hang about that is fucking repulsive too.

No (AM)

I thought I'd seen it all when the other day, Country Road sent me an email telling me that these jeggings are a 'must have'.

Honestly, Country Road. Get real.

They are jeggings. And they are shiny. 

The only thing that 'must be had' in this scenario is a good hard look at yourselves, Country Road. 

 

I hadn't seen anything yet, however. 

 

When browsing the interwebs for swimsuits I might like to buy for when I GO TO ICELAND NEXT MONTH in order to BATHE IN THE BLUE LAGOON with THESE ADORABLE GOONS I found this.

A pair of bathers adorned with that most practical of swimsuit materials: METAL. 

Its manufacturers ask you to: 

"Indulge yourself with the distinguished glamour of this showgirl inspired piece. The dramatic embellishments and gold hardware give this one-piece swimsuit the ultimate high impact shine."

"Gold hardware". 

"High impact shine". 

Said like these are actual things. 

How do such things get made? So many people would have had to have given this the OK, for it to find its way to the marketplace. But nothing about these bathers are OK! It looks like Brynne Edelston's version of a burkini. 

And you'll never guess how much it costs. Seriously, you couldn't possibly guess this, so don't even try. 

$599. 

I just...I can't even. 

Just a Monday post (PM)

I have to say, part of the way through watching that ad for the first time,  I felt happy that they used the word vagina. Finally! I thought. An ad that respects me enough to sell menstrual products by focusing on the relevant body part, not the need to feel 'confident' while playing sport. But then I realised that they only mentioned the word vagina to emphasise how dirty it is and to get me to spend my money on something that will make it more acceptable to go out in the world with one of those dirty things.

D-bags. Eff you guys. 

J'accuse, d-bags

Strange baking: Vanilla and coconut cake truffles (PM)

Are you kidding me? You made a cake, smashed it up and mixed it up with icing just so you could taste some blonde balls?! Sister, you is crazy. I do not want to come down on a sister crab, I guess it's not your fault you can't resist the lure of a ball recipe. It's the recipe author that is the idiot here. There is nothing even interesting about that recipe. Sure, I love vanilla , but come on...

You know what is good about cake? Its cakiness. Usually its flavour, very occasionally its icing, but if its a good cake it is also its cakey texture and the whole thing about having a piece of it. Mmmmm, cake. To get blonde balls why wouldn't you just make your Grandma's snowball recipe but replace the cocoa with vanilla or lemon juice and zest or all of that. Now that could make for some delicious balls!

Gifts from the Internet (PM) (or WTF? Wednesday)

Well I have to say I am floored by this morning's post. Firstly, WTF? We don't have to blog about food on our designated food day?

Secondly, WTF is with the jumpers on ponies? I mean putting a cardigan on a pony is one thing but the bit where they sew the jumper on! Those bitches are serious about dressing them ponies!

Thirdly, I really want to go to Scotland now. 

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

Yesterday I went to buy a new sports bra. 

Sometimes, buying a bra is quite enjoyable, but buying a sports bra never is.  Shopping for a sports bra is on par with things like going to Medicare or calling your internet service provider to arrange for a new plan because your existing plan is shithouse. Still, it has to be done. 

I went to this special shop in the city staffed by mature women who know how to fit you properly and don't judge you for never having a clue what size bra you wear. You sometimes have to wait a while but it's worth it, for the extra special treatment.  

 

So there I was, waiting around for my turn, looking through through the racks of bras when I discovered that this:

Just the bra, not the whole lady. 

 

Now I don't know about you guys, but I look at that and I think hello Dolly magazine circa 1991, hello bike shorts, hello open chambray shirt tied at the bottom, hello fun in the sun. In a nut shell readers, this little crab liked what she saw. 

 

Straight after thinking this, my turn came up so off I went to try on my sports bra. 

 

My attendant looked like she was about 21, which did not encourage me given that I have had boobs for longer than she has been alive, but I gave her a chance. And all fairness to her, the girl knew what she was doing. Before I could say 'bounce reduction', she had found me the perfect sports bra. 

I was feeling pretty satisfied with the results. Cocky even. So I said to my girl (and i'm paraphrasing here): hey girl, hows about you get me a normal bra to try on now. Maybe that one on the third shelf with the bustier type deal that looks like something Molly Ringwald would wear.

 

You know what she said?

 

"Who's Molly Ringwald?".

 

Unbelievable. There are people in the world who are old enough to have jobs, but don't know who Molly Ringwald is.

Eyes = opened, friends.

Short week (PM)

Oh I hear you sister! I'm at work too. But whaddaya gonna do? I only work Monday and Friday. Taking today off would be doing no one any favours.

Plus if I hadn't come to work, I wouldn't have seen this email from a woman I have never met but email for work regularly: I hope you had a good weekend.  Mine was pretty quiet, but I got to take my daughter to get her first bra on Sunday...

She said other, work related things too, but is this appropriate? Um... no.

Who the eff is Ryan Reynolds?! (PM)

I wish we didn't have to bring RyRey to our blog, but I know that these are the posts we had to have. This guy is not now, and never will be a hunk, and as usual MSC must speak up for the women in their thirties who can't stop thinking about hunks and who know that this man, he is not a hunk.
I ache for the young ones who will grow up thinking otherwise. As far as I am concerned, this guy's name appears immediately after the name Bradley Cooper in the file of evidence supporting the idea that people do not know a hunk from Adam anymore and maybe, just maybe, we have reached Peak Hunk.

I don't want to post a photo of RyRey you guys. I won't do it! Instead, here is some wisteria and a miniature rose and a man on a bike in the last of yesterday's afternoon sun.

What the eff is BB cream? (PM)

Seriously what the eff is BB cream?

I read this article by Zoe Foster a few months ago about BB cream and after reading it I still had no idea what eff they were. In fact before I saw that article I'd never even heard of it, so after the article I felt even more ignorant than before. Sure, I get that it is are a belbish balm. But what the eff? Why is BB cream so special? If ZoFo sings the praises of a product I usally own that product within about 45 minutes. But I guess she is not that into BB cream so I didn't pay that much attention. But a cream that makes you look better in one go is a cream for me. Even though I don't wear foundation and would actually probably hate BB cream.Man, belbish balm cream is confusing!

I guess I would like to try BB cream for free. And so if K could just remember which magazine that free sample was in well, that would be great?

What's going on? (PM)

How embarrassing that Miss Soft Crab has been embroiled in the fake Global knives racket, which is not actually a thing. This is a genuine blog readers, G.E.N.U.I.N.E! Accept no substitute!


I don't want to ruin the mood or anything, but maybe J passed over that horrifying murder in the French alps last week too quickly. You know the one - dead bodies found by the side of the road. Terrorised children found cowering. Your basic worst nightmare.

Perhaps this news story has really shaken the English people to their core, and at a time when they are super vulnerable because they probably let their guards down due to all the great things that have happened to them lately -  the royal wedding, the diamond jubilee, the olympics and that concert in Hyde Park where Blur played.

Maybe they feel so upset about it all that they have gone on the interwebs en masse  to remind themselves that France is a wonderful place, full of adorable things and attractive people, onc onc onc and naturally, Miss Soft Crab is there for them.

Assuming this is the reason, here's a little something for you, England. Hang in there, you guys.

We've never discussed it before, but Romain Duris is un grand hunk

French Bulldog, amongst the flowers. I can't stop looking at this guy. Look at his face! And imagine how warm his fur would be. He looks amenable to living in an apartment, don't you think?

What's going on? (AM)

Something strange has been happening at Miss Soft Crab lately. People have been visiting this site waaaaayyy more than usual. I’m not under any delusion that we have more readers, I think that for some strange reason people are searching for something and that something is bringing them here. What I have deduced is that: a) people are coming here from the UK; and b) they are looking for French things. Look across the water UK people! The Frenchies are right there!

How do I know who these people are and what they are looking for? Because we have bulk traffic coming from www.google.uk and because in the last week the term 'French things' has brought 120 views here! Does that sound like a lot to you? Well it is! In the days when only Ewan McGregor fans came here, the top search terms were things like 'Ewan McGregor smiling' with 13 page views coming off the back of that. The post French Friday has had 850 page views in the last week! Does that sound like a lot to you? Well it is! That is usually about two-thirds of our entire weekly blog traffic and now just one post has brought that here? WTF?

So I tried to figure out what was going on.I typed 'English interest in France' into Google but all it gave me was a bunch of sites about interest rates and a news story about 3 British citizens who were inexplicably shot dead in France. I'm pretty sure none of that has to do with Miss Soft Crab. THEN I typed 'French things' into Google, thinking that maybe people were typing it in for a reason. But all I got was the same lame things I got last time (Gauloise, French accents, balconies). But I did discover that if you image search French things you get that adorable picture you see above and it links to our post, even though I totally stole that image off the internet. And I do feel bad about that. So one small part of the puzzle is solved, but I still don't understand why people are so interested in French things right now.

On the other hand I do understand why a person may search 'Olympic hunk'. Although we have never written about Olympic hunks here, that search term has brought 3 people this way. I guess we probably use the word hunk more than any other website, so no surprises there, really.

Oh, and one more thing that brought people here in the last week was the phrase 'fake Global knife'. Um excuse me, but any Global knives you see pictured on this blog are the real thing! Ok?!