Dreams of the 90s

Thanks for the wrap-up of The Last Dance, Mate. I suggested it as a night time viewing option the other night but Appleheart said he has no interest in basketball and kyboshed it. I was surprised by this, especially given his enthusiasm for the mini basketball ring we rigged up to the top bunk the other day. But I figured I'd just watch it by myself once RuPaul's Drag Race season 12 is over next week (go Crystal Methyd!!). 

Speaking of the 90s and beautiful people - High Fidelity. 

I watched the first episode of this show really wanting to like it. I loved the book and I loved the movie - seriously, John Cusack does not work enough, nor does Joan Cusack for that matter. 

I remember the movie being playful and fun but with definite pathos, just like the 90s. John Cusack's Rob was fun and appealing and also a bit of a d-bag, just like dudes in the 90s! Jokes. Those qualities are timeless. But seriously. I had high hopes for High Fidelity. And I was looking forward to seeing more of Zoe Kravitz. I haven't really seen anything else she's been in, but the fact of Zoe Kravitz's existence in a place where we can see her pleases me. I mean, that woman is like the personification of pre-teen dreams for me. Lisa Bonet and Lenny Kravitz were a couple before we hit puberty but something told me that what they had going on was exactly the kind of thing you hit puberty for. I mean look at these guys. 

Anyway, I could barely sit through the first episode of High Fidelity and I should have known why. It's not the 90s anymore! Playful and poignant isn't a thing these days. It was so damned earnest, except for when it wasn't, and then it was trying so hard for laughs that I couldn't even muster a giggle. And rather than develop some of the other characters or develop the main character more, it seems to be playing it just like the movie,only over multiple episodes instead of 90 enjoyable minutes. At least, I think that's what's happening. I can't tell, I couldn't watch more than ten mins into the second ep. 

Still, at least it got me thinking about John Cusack, and young Lenny and Lisa. What a pair of dreamboats. 

Some of what I’d like to discuss

(Some enjoyable MSC fan art I discovered the other day)

It’s pretty good to be back, you guys, and I’ll tell you why. 

My Mum had a stroke a few weeks ago*. My Dad fell over on his way to Woolworths last Friday and broke a rib**. I’m going back to work on Monday and my little baby, Tugboat, is starting childcare three days a week***. Also, global pandemic. 

Fair is foul and foul is fair!

But what I really want to focus on today is whether my hair appointment will go ahead on Wednesday and I’m not sure I’d have the space to do that if it weren’t for MSC.

As J advised, I kind of went blonde for a while there between June 2018 and June 2019, but then returned to my beloved brunette before Tugboat was born because it felt wrong to birth a child while harboring blonde highlights. 

But that was nine months ago and girl, you look at my hair and you can tell. 

I walked past a salon in the new neighbourhood the other day and thought ‘that’s it, I’m making an appointment before it’s too late’. I made an appointment for Wednesday.

And though Scott, our Prime Minister who has the nerve to be named SCOTT during a national crisis, has not closed hairdressers, I kind of think it will be irresponsible of me to go. BUT I do love supporting a small business. And they only have one client at a time in the salon, and have committed through social media to maintaining the highest standards of hygiene. But social distancing! Infection control!

What am I going to do?****

*She’s doing really well, thanks for asking

**He’ll be fine in a little while, thanks for asking

***He’s been to multiple orientations and is settling in nicely, thanks for asking.

****LOL, we all know I’m going, this is just a therapeutic exercise.

An end

J: So mate. The end of an era and the beginning of an indefinite hiatus. How do you feel?

K: I feel happysad! Like I often feel at the end of a wonderful book. I'm so happy that I've arrived at a point of resolution, but sad that I don't get to spend time with these characters anymore.

What about you?

J: Yeah, I pretty much feel the same way. Like I think it will be a liberating new time, but also I will really miss reading and writing Miss Soft Crab!

K: I'll miss it too. Heaps.

J: I feel sad that I won't be able to explore things in the same way anymore in this forum and maybe I won't think about things the same way. And I feel like I missed all these opportunities! Like why didn't I ever write about how much I love Jonny Lee Miller's dorky Instagram account where he basically just posts pictures of his cat and stories of himself putting the last piece into puzzles!? 

K: He does? That's pretty charming. Appleheart has an amusing instagram account that involves him posting photos of abandoned trolleys, which you see a lot of in the 3072. Yesterday he posted a photo of a trolley full, and I mean FULL of protea flowers.  Maybe it's because MSC is winding up, but I found it very moving.

J: Yeah, that was amazing!

K: It was. But that's a side note. The point is that with MSC winding up, we'll be doing less pausing and reflecting.

J: YES! I really worry about that.  But I do also wonder if it will give us some space to think about things in other ways. Maybe a new way to approach MSC down the track?

K: I think we both want that to happen, right? If you love something, set it free? If it comes back to you etc etc blah blah blah?

J: You said it mate. You and all those other people said it!

So are there any old posts you've thought about this week you would have like to showcase or just have remembered fondly in this reflective time?

K: Whoa, great question. Let's see. All the HotMC posts. Every time we spoke about Ewan. You?

J: Oh god! Every time we spoke about Ewan! I'll really miss that! 

K: Oh! The times we went out for fancy meals! When we went to see Prince!

J: I recently remembered that post I wrote when I realised all my clothes lookedjust like Olivia the pig.

Yeah! When we realised Prince was creepy/sexy!

I love how MSC documents phases. Like the weird Twilight phase.  Or the current totally distracted by life phase.

K: Yeah, Miss Soft Crab has seen it all. When we started, Baby was a tiny baby. I was living in North Carlton and about to go to NYC with KJ.

We spent half that holiday talking about the dude that ran the local bar who she thought was a pretty fun guy to hang out with.  Now she's married to him and little Pip is here. 

Now KB is here, Appleheart is here. 

Newbie and Little Bean are here.

J: You didn't even know Appleheart existed!

K: I thought MONA was the best thing to come out of Hobart! And Thor Friendship.

J: Wehadn't even been to Hobart when Miss Soft Crab began!

Oh, I'm sad that when we go to Adelaide to try Jamface we won't be able to document it here. 

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I finally dye my hair blonde I won't be able to document it here!

K:  MATE when are we going to do that?!

J: I'm sad that when I discover whether or not Tom Hardy is hot I won't be able to document it here! Mate. When are we going to do all this?!

K:  Look. We're not dying, we're just putting MSC on indefinite hiatus.  And Tom Hardy is hot, it's a true fact.  And I'm sure there will be things that happen to us, with us, to all of us, that we'll need to come here to discuss.  Maybe when we go to Jamface.  Maybe when you/we dye your/our hair blonde.  Definitely when QEII, well, you know.

J: Oh geez.

K: And what happens if another true hunk comes along? We're going to have to meet here to talk about it.

J: Yeah! You're right! We're not dying. And neither is QEII!! We're just taking an indefinite hiatus! I just really love MSC!

K: Me too. Heaps.

J: May another true hunk come along, mate! I mean things looked bleak for a while there and then Hemsworth arrived! 

K: Yeah he did. Things are changing, sure. But we love MSC. And we love to eat, see and think about stuff. We're just going to do it a little differently from now on.

So Crab fans, you magnificent people, I guess we'll see you on the flip side?

J: I guess you're right mate. You're right. But can I just add Leonardo DiCaprio to this conversation? Not ‘cause I have anything to say about him, it just feels right to mention him.

And now I guess I'll say see ya!

K:  I do not take Leonardo DiCaprio for granted and I do not take Miss Soft Crab for granted.

J: Fin?

K: See you Matey. 😢

J: Bye 😭

           

You do have to know when you have to go

The fact that Prince Phillip decided to retire from public life at the random age of 96 makes me think that he's spent the last few years talking to advisors and QEII putting forward the idea of retiring until finally they all decided it was time to go. Or I guess, more likely, given his constant inappropriate remarks, he has been listening to people for decades suggest he retire from public life and finally decided he was too tired to go on. I guess we'll never know exactly how this decision came to be, but one thing we do know for sure is that The Crown really did put PP in a hot new light.

I can only hope that one day a series based on the life of the Misses Soft Crab appears on Netflix and presents us in a hot new light. But as K told us yesterday, not quite in so many words, we probably need to take an indefinite hiatus in order for the world to be able to appreciate our true genius.

But before we go a brief stroll down memory lane. It's interesting to me that we've been expressing out annoyance at GOOP since the very inception of MSC, as evidenced by that time K and I recast ourselves as GOOP and Jay-Z and replicated the interviews they did of each other. Ugh, it's annoying just thinking about it. But hilarious remembering our versions found here and here.

You have to know when you have to go

No one was more surprised than me when Prince Phillip emerged as the most appealing character in 2016's hit series The Crown. Miss Soft Crab is known for its appreciation of QEII and her inspirational fully realised personal style, Monarchrome. I expected to love QEII in The Crown and surely I did. But Phillip has  been little more than the tall racist who tagged along with her at events. So you could colour me surprised when I found myself being totally charmed by his characterisation in The Crown. He seemed to be in love with his wife, building a life with her, but frustrated by the way that QEII  occupying her power meant he had to shape himself around that role. He was relatable. Plus, he was young and super handsome. 

Last week, the real Prince Phillip retired after decades of following QEII around as she occupied her power and later, her awesome QEII style. 

I wondered what triggered his retirement. How did he decide, at 96, after more than 22,000 events, that it was time? Wouldn't he have been justified retiring  at 90? At 95? Why now Prince Phillip? Why now? 

I guess there's no one reason. It's just time to go.

Miss Soft Crab began in 2010 out of a desire to talk about the themes the great poets have talked about forever: hunks, food and other things that seemed like they needed to be talked about from time to time.

Those themes have endured for 7 years.

But it's time for us to do a Prince Phillip. It's time for us to go. Probably not forever. But for a while. Indefinite hiatus, we're calling it.

This week, we bring you classics from the MSC back catalogue, so we can all enjoy those themes again. 

Like that time there was only ONE HUNK on screen during an entire three hour oscars telecast.

Robbed! 

Black and white

I think it's important to acknowledge the point K alluded to on Friday. When it comes to hunks it's not all just black and white. What about Hispanic?

And Asian?!

Ha! Just jokes. But seriously folks, when it comes to hunks Miss Soft Crab may have you believe it's a matter of just two choices, hunks

and not hunks

But life is not all black and white and neither are hunks. Hunks are much more complex than that. There's of course those that are a little bit hot:

and those that are really quite hot:

Not every hunk is going to start with a question (e.g. is this guy a hunk?) and end with a definitive answer (e.g. YES)

Most times you want to figure out if someone is a hunk it will probably just end up with a murky kinda maybe. But that's ok too, that's life guys. And not surprisingly, that's Collin Farrel too. I initially found him pretty repulsive and then I saw him in In Bruges which I really enjoyed and liked him in and then I saw him on Graham Norton and quite enjoyed him and I guess I think K's probably right, he's a little bit hot. And that's great, good for him and good for us. They can't all be hunks, but a little bit hot is ok by me.

A little bit hot

Today's post answers the question posed on Wednesday: is Colin Farrell hot? I'm going to give you the answer straight up: he's quite hot, readers, quite hot. 

For many years, I paid him no mind, because he seemed kind of gross like one of those dime store hunks they try to palm off on us as the real deal. You know the type. 

When I saw The New World I realised I was prepared to tolerate him. Years later I saw The Lobster and I realised he was quite good in things. I guess a seed got planted, because from then on, I've been slightly interested in him. 

Plus, he's Irish, and that can be quite hot. 

So when I started to see ads for The Beguiled I thought  it was time to answer the question once and for all. But let me be clear, the research proposition was not to establish if he's a hunk. I know he's not. But as I was watching it, I could see that he's more interesting than most handsome people on the screen. You know, he's quite hot. 

Starting the week off right

First I think it's really important to say, thanks K for starting the week of right. 

You know who else started it off right? This girl I see at the pool every Monday afternoon when I take Baby for his swimming lessons. Every week this girl is there probably having lessons too. She's probably  ten or twelve and I always see her after she's gotten out of the pool wearing white  flannel pjs with a colourful flouro print on them and she wears them with black Nike Frees. She looks totally fucking fly in the best way.  But not only does she looks totally fresh she looks so goddamn comfy. Imagine getting out of the pool late on a winter afternoon,  getting all snugly in your flannel pjs and probably going home TV watch to while someone makes you dinner. (Maybe - who knows what this girl does.) And also you look ace. That just seems like the best That girl is a goddman inspiration!

Oscars round up 2017 (the hunk report)

Well yesterday was finally Hot Oscars day! Oh sure it was also the day that the wrong movie was named as best picture, but we all know that, we don't need to go on about it, right. The real question was did the producers manage to fuck up the golden platter of hunks and make it hunkless and boring? Well the answer is... yes and no. Sadly for me and you and K, K had to work yesterday so we had very one sided text conversation.

Viggo Mortensen and Casey Affleck were both in the front couple of rows so there was a lot of action there. And Jimmy Kimmel hosted so there was a lot of referencing of Matt Damon who was sitting right behind Casey. Oh, and Casey won. So you know there were a lot of special moments. And I really liked when they showed Casey reading a mean tweet in this brown sweater.

Ryan Gosling was up front too and that was nice. And when this unknowing tour bus full of people were ushered into the room and down past the front row The Gos was the first to jump up and say hello. Hot. I also liked his mean tweet.

Gael Garcia Bernal presented an award. So did Dev Patel. And I liked how Viggo brought his son. So yeah, there were some hot moments. But holy shit, those fucking awards are so self-indulgent and I think they're getting worse.

Lucky for me I had Pickle as a text buddy during the ceremony. I missed Viola Davis's speech but Pickle drew my attention to the fact she said  "Acting is the only profession that celebrates what it is to live a life." Yes, acting is sooooooo special. Every time a best actor award was given they played clips from moments of past acceptance speeches. As if watching them the first time isn't painful enough. And there was some fucking thing where a famous actor would talk about some older famous actor they loved when they were a kid and then those two actors would come out and present something together, but only after getting a standing ovation. FUCK. Get your fucking hand off it Academy. I know I say this every year, but I just don't know if I can watch next year. And yet I know I won't be able to look away 😔

Hunk Week

Remember how on Monday K was all 'Hell, we don't want to start this year off on a negative note!" And on Tuesday I was all, "Accentuate the positive!" And then yesterday K was all "I love Leonardo!" Well, fuck it I say. It's already Thursday let's just call it and say this is Hunk Week. Could there be a better or more fitting way or Crabbier start to the year.  Nah-uh.

But geez, what a question. The best hunk of all!? A hunk to rule all other hunks.

Leonardo is definitely my favourite something. But favourite what?!

Here's a man that was never even considered for Hunk of the Month. Because if I'm honest, he's missing that phwaor factor.

Or is he?! I've explored my feelings for Leo here before and I think it's safe to say I'll do it again. But not right now. I love that guy, but is he my favourite hunk?

Thinking about those past Oscar nominees actually got me thinking that if Heath were alive today and had continued to be as awesome as ever he'd probably be my favourite hunk. Certainly he is one of history's finest hunks.

But although I can probably say Michelle Williams' Oscar look here is my all-time favourite, can I say Heath is my favourite hunk ever? I mean he was hot, special. Hot. But hotter than all others?

What about Ewan? I think I love him more than any hunk ever. He's practically the backbone of Miss Soft Crab, or the exoskeleton. 

What about Damon?

Shit, he's as confused as I am! I think in their own ways their each my number one hunk. I just have a lot of categories. Like the Oscars. It's reasonable.

I guess it's like movies, books, songs. I mean so many times a song will come on the radio and I'll think, "This is THE BEST SONG!" But then if it came down to it would that really be my favourite ever song? I guess I feel the same way about hunks.  I just can't pick a favourite. But what a great problem to have. 

Will we ever move on? We will never move on!

⚠️⚠️⚠️THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS RELATED TO ELENA FERRANTE's NEOPOLITAN NOVELS! THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️⚠️

I know we should be talking about more than just hunks but there is so much to say about hunks. 　

I also know that when J went through the list of past Oscar line-ups to acknoweldge that while there have been previous hot years, none so hot as 2017, my head was spinning over all the historical hunks out there. 　

Beatty!
Brando!

Ledger!　

Newman!　

Pacino!　

Phoenix!　

I'm putting them in alphabetical order because I don't want to rank them. 　

But heck, now I am thinking about ranking, I am wondering who would be my all time favourite hunk and despite my better judgement, I think it would be Leonardo. 　

God. How did that happen? 　

It's like i'm Elena Greco and HERE IT COMES⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER ALERT 🚨 🚨🚨🚨even though I know Nino Sarratore is going to break my heart and ruin my life I can't help but love him above all others. 　

Leonardo is my Nino Sarratore.