Swings and roundabouts

I thought I was going to tell you today about all the near misses and dud aspects of my weekend which was a real roller coaster. I was going to tell you about all the disappointing meals I ate and the stories that I thought were going to turn out great but ended up shit (including, but not limited to said disappointing meals). But I'm a lover not a fighter and who needs to start the week off like that. And in fact mostly my weekend was really nice.

On Friday night we went to the pub for Minderbinder's birthday. And it was so nice to go to the pub and see people and eat a yummy burger (though not the disappointing "chips". Ugh. Regrets - I've got a few). And for a gal that doesn't get out much all I need is 2 hours, a few nice people and a beer to feel like I'm doing something. Doesn't hurt that I rounded the night out watching Graham Norton which at first seemed somewhat, though not entirely boring  (Kevin Bacon, Jessica Chastain and Dianne Keaton as guests) until Norton brought out a late comer, Michael Fassbender! Who was not only his regular handsome smiling and delightful self but added some break dancing to his visit. THIS was followed by the GORILLAZ and the show ended with DAMON on the couch. Now sure, I'm talking about Graham Norton's couch, not my couch, still, I think as far as TV viewing goes, I couldn't ask for much better. To round this all out Noel Gallagher performed with Gorillaz. On Saturday I excitedly tried to tell LB about Noel and Damon on stage together but he just looked as me as if the nineties had never happened and when I tried to explain the Blur vs. Oasis saga of the heady days of Brit Pop he told me, "Yeah, I know who Oasis is, 'What's the morning, morning glory' right?"

On Saturday I had a really nice day spending some with my children leaving them with my parents and walking the streets of Armadale and Prahran and despite ending up busting and then having to use the worst toilet in Prahran

and another disappointing eating experience all the walking and sunshine and lack of external demands was really invigorating.

Yesterday I took Newbie out for breakfast. Even though I spend bulk time with him, Little Bean is always with us and our schedule revolves around Baby, even in his absence, so it was pretty sweet just to go out together, have a 'cino, read some books, eat an entirely, almost overwhelmingly, satisfying meal (mouth watering thinking about it now - it was the smoked creamed corn at Mixed Business if you're in the market for a great breaky). And after that great meal it almost doesn't matter that I spent most of the day prepping a dinner I expected to be fantastic but was a complete fucking failure (potatoes aside - which barely counts because they are almost unruinable). From mains to dessert it was all a disaster and a pretty disappointing way to end the weekend I guess. But that's life, right? You win some you lose some and I think that the past weekend was basically a metaphor for life.

2016 reflections. Again.

Well, here we are! The end of 2016. I can barely believe it! In the grand tradition of Miss Soft Crab round-ups K and I got together to have a little chat about things. There were things I wish I'd mentioned, like how a highlight of the year was our new once-a-day, daily post format which, I don't know about you but I am sure enjoying. And the new iOS update which has finally included a croissant and a pile of pancakes in the emojis. Anyway, here's what K and I thought of the last 51 weeks.

 ‪J: Yeah 2016! How was it for you?

 ‪K: You know, it was pretty great.

 ‪J: GREAT! What did you like about it? 
‪K: Well, personally, I liked settling in to being KB's mum. And I liked hanging out with KB and watch him become cuter and cuter. ‪I liked going back to work and therefore being able to read books again.

  ‪J: Yeah I was thinking about how at the start of this year you had a six-month-old baby and by the end of the year you have a nearly 18-month-old toddler and how different those two things are.

 ‪K: Fully different. ‪And you went from being a mother of sons to being a mother of sons AND WHOOPSIE!

 ‪I also liked how it was a year of serious things. All the deaths. Brexit. Trump. It's a year  to remember.

 ‪J: Oh yeah. Seriously what a year! I had a baby. And all that totally crazy shit happened. Basically if you had asked me what this year would hold ‪I could not have predicted any of that shit. From a new baby to the Trump presidency I'm basically still having difficulty believing any of it. 


‪K: Yeah. The shit has been pretty unbelievable. I know we still have a week or so to go, but I'm just glad QEII is still here.

 ‪J: I've been really worried about her, what with 2016 being so full of unbelievable shit. Mate, as much as I've loved QEII and her monochrome for a long time now, I feel so much closer to her after watching The Crown. Let's just hope we can escape this year without any more celebrityy deaths. 

 ‪When Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature LB and I were saying if you came into the news report half way through you would have thought he was dead too. God forbid.

  K: ‪Totally. It was really a strange year. Kind of doomy. ‪And the weather has been a bit shit. ‪But personally it's been nice, so what are you gonna do?

 J: ‪Yeah. It was a totally strange year. I was basically pregnant from the beginning until Whoopsie was born in October and I was highly emotional for that entire time. Which really added to the weirdness for me. Like I was so emotional when Leonardo FINALLY won his Oscar. But I was so emotional for that entire awards ceremony. I basically cried at every standing ovation.

K: ‪Oh man, that victory was one for the ages. Leonardo Di Goddamned Caprio. What a proper movie star he is.

J: ‪You said it!  

K: Speaking of movies, one of the things I enjoyed about this year was discovering a film review podcast called Kermode and Mayo. It's a couple of blokes mucking around telling jokes and talking about movies. I think Fassbender is going to be on it next week.


 ‪J: Oh I see. 

Well that sounds cool. I may listen to it. I've enjoyed listening to Lena Dunham's podcast this year and working through my complicated feelings about her. Recently I listened to a few podcasts about Buffy, just people talking about Buffy episodes and stuff. It was pretty enjoyable.
 ‪
K: I've been enjoying the Lena Dunham podcast too. Did you listen to that one with her dad? I really liked that one.
J: I did listen to that one and I also enjoyed it a lot. I liked her dad. Readers, go listen to that show.

 ‪K: Please do readers.


‪J: And how about TV? Obviously I loved The Crown. Also of course Stranger Things. I mean just the stuff everyone talked about already. 

 In truth this year was so intense I feel like I have nothing new to say about any of it.

 

K: ‪Yep, I liked that stuff. And I liked Hard Quiz because I love a quiz and this was a delightful spazz one. 

J: ‪I like that too. But you know who really loves that show? Baby! He loves it. HARD!  

K: Ha! ‪That's adorbs. 

J: ‪Sometimes we play it at the dinner table. And when I told him I saw Tom Gleeson at Ikea the other day he was so impressed! 


K: ‪That's super adorbs. ‪
I saw one of the couples from Gogglebox at the market the other day and that was very exciting. ‪
J: HAHAHA. Gogglebox!
‪
K: ...now we are chatting about the year and i'm thinking about how intense it was I guess I'm realising that it's set a lot in motion. But I don't want to be a downer.



J: ‪Look, if we wanted to talk seriously this year we'd be here for ever. I mean fucking TRUMP?!

Aaaaaaahhhh, that's better 

K: You said it. 2016 involved a lot of emotions, a lot of humongous events and some rubbish weather. Any hopes and dreams for 2017?

 
J: ‪Geez, what a great question. What do you base your answer on?! Well I guess I want to enjoy it. Personally I'd like to organise my time so I can write and exercise instead of just thinking about doing those things. I'm super excited to see who Whoopsie starts becoming. Obviously I love seeing Baby and Newbie grow but Whoopsie is a brand new slate, you know. And I think by the end of next year I'd like to have some professional developments. So yeah, I guess I have a bunch of hopes and dreams. How about you?
‪K: You've given me some great hope and dream ideas for 2017 just now!

 ‪I'd like to write and exercise more too. And I'd like to go overseas again before we have to start paying for a seat for KB. ‪I'd like to read more. And I would like to have a conversation with you, mate, about us starting a sing club which some people might call a choir but I'd prefer to call sing club 

J:  ‪Yeah sing club! Let's do it! And let's have more conversations! ‪
K: Yeah!


Have a great summer everyone. We'll be back in about a month. Woot!

Get out of my head tweeps (PM)

#ohshit

Just when I think I am an independent woman with my own brain, I read Miss Soft Crab and realise that in fact somehow, my brain and J's brain are the same brain. Not just that we think the same thoughts, but that our brain is the same.  

This morning, as I lay in bed dozing, I had a really vivid dream where J and I were walking through an airport with wheelie suitcases and spotted Mindy Kaling in a duty free shop. I said to J "This is our chance to tell Mindy Kaling that we think she's great and to tell her to follow Miss Soft Crab". 

We approached her, and she smiled and looked very encouraging because she seems like a top bird. 

Then it all went to shit!

I tripped and fell over right in front of Mindy Kaling, but went ahead and told her that she should read Miss Soft Crab. Then J got annoyed that I had stuffed up our one chance with Mindy Kaling, and we had a fight. Then I stormed off to look at a duty free shop and J stormed off to look a different duty free shop and we basically stood around sulking while we waited for LB to bring the car around.

Then I woke up!

I swear on the lives of those that I love - all of this is a true fact. I don't know what to make of it, other than maybe I should start following Fassbender on Twitter so that perhaps I will meet him as Carl Jung in a dream and we can workshop it.

The Great Gatsby 2012 (PM)

Shit you guys, I love Baz too, but that trailer worries the shit out of me.

Leonardo kind of looks handsome though. Perhaps The Great Gatsby will be the movie that will put him back on the map. By which I mean, my own personal hunk map, which he has been off since he got puffy around 2002.

Good grief.

I understand he has remained on other people's map this whole time but not mine, readers, not mine. And just quickly, I thought Inception sucked. Except for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

I do like that Carey Mulligan quite a lot. I think she'll make a fine Daisy. Hey, What did I see her in recently? Oh, that's right. 

Fassbender, how did you get here?

Shame. She was in Shame. Which I thought was great but may not be everyone's cup of tea, so I will just link to the trailer rather than embed it. But Carey Mulligan was great in it. And she was great in Never Let Me Go. I think she is quite great. 

Of course I will go see The Great Gatsby, but now that I've seen that trailer I guess I will go hoping it will be good, not thinking it will be good. But go ahead and prove me wrong Baz! I would love to love this film, as I have loved all your others, including Australia. Please make that happen!

Special Anniversary Edition

Even the champagne is excited!

You know, Miss Soft Crab turned 1 on Wednesday. In its first year Miss Soft Crab published 459 posts and had about 27500 page views. And only a small portion of those were from spam sites! YEAH!

The top 5 most read posts were:

1. Ewan McGregor: an MSC tribute
2. Good for you, Monday (AM)
3. The Oscars 2012 (or Thank You Christian Bale or Innocence Lost)
4. It's a wonderful night for Oscar (AM)
5. What happened this weekend? (AM)

And the top 10 search terms bringing you our way were:

1. Ewan McGregor Trainspotting
2. Miss Soft Crab
3. Trainspotting
4. Trainspotting Ewan McGregor
5. Michelle Williams yellow dress
6. Cloud
7. Neil Patrick Harris
8. What happened to Seal's face
9. Jedward
10. Picture of an iceberg

Seriously, I love Ewan too, people, but move on.

But what are these but statistics. Just numbers. They don't tell the whole story. They don't tell you that people have found their way here by searching "fucking eggplant", "ass dick and brioche" or "cute puffin." They don't tell you how much delight a bunch of Christian Bale fans got from our Oscars post as testified by a imdb.com message board. No, statistics are just the numbers.

Let K and me tell you the whole story.

J: So, mate. Miss Soft Crab turned one this week! Happy Birthday! How do you feel?

K: Happy birthday Miss Soft Crab! I feel great! How do you feel? Great, right? What a year it's been. Eating, seeing stuff, thinking about stuff. For a whole year!

J: I KNOW! A whole year! Do you remember how this thing started?

K: Actually, no, I've totally forgotten. Please remind me!

J: Well, I think we were lamenting the fact that all our favourite blogs had gotten shit so we thought we should write our own. And then 2 weeks later we did! Can you believe that of all the plans we've had and things we said we'd do, we finally did one?!

Perhaps I shouldn't share that story, 'cause when the readers decide this blog has gone shit they will be all 'haha!' Oh well.

K: But amusing our readers is exactly what we're here for, Mate! And, unlike other blogs, we're not at risk of going shit because we go a bit shit regularly. But then we bounce back! It's the beauty of Miss Soft Crab!

Speaking of the beauty of Miss Soft Crab, perhaps now is a good time to tell the readers why we are called what we are called. I don't know about you, but if I had a dollar for every time someone asked me why Miss Soft Crab is called Miss Soft Crab, I would have about $7.

J: Probably I'd have about $3. Cause you are much more friendly than me and people don't like to ask me questions. But yes, go ahead, tell the people. Or should we show them?

K: Lets get Debbie to tell them! (Sorry, guys, embedding restrictions mean you have to acutally go to youtube to see this clip.)


As you can probably tell, that's a clip from Hairspray, we don't actually know Debbie Harry. Hairspray came out in 1988, the same year J and I met and when we were little crabs, we used to watch it all the time. Loved the shit out of it. Still do. When we decided to write this blog, we wanted to find a name that came from the early days of us seeing, eating and thinking about stuff together. Our thoughts turned to Hairspray and Miss Soft Crab was born!

J: Yep, that's how we got the name. So after about 460 posts, mate, have you got a favourite?

K: I pretty much have a new favourite every week. But highlights include:

• Your original Marky Mark post
• Cock on a tenner
• Twilight haiku
• All the haiku, really

What about you?

J: Those are all great, GREAT posts. I especially love the original Marky Mark and Twilight haiku posts. But some of my other favourites include:

• Your Ira Glass post
• the If I were GOOP/Jay Z posts
• and absolutely without a doubt Multi-faith Haiku Thursday.

But there are so many winners! I mean out of 460 posts I can assure the world there are more than just the eight good ones listed here.

How about tags? Do you have favourite tags. Personally, I like caution, dates initiated by parents that will come to nothing, Germans, signs of success, i love you guys, sorry readers i think I may be hysterical and apes. I am not saying these are the best posts, but they are great tags, some of which should definitely be used more! Which ones do you like?

K: There are so many tags we should use more! For example, 'marscapone'. It was used once last year, but never again. Why, I'd like to know, when marscapone is so absolutely delicious.

Other tags I have enjoyed are: UGH, nutting up, bullshit and Fassbender. That last one I like because I like Fassbender and everything he stands for. Or sits for. Ha!

Speaking of Fassbender sitting, one of my favourite things about this past year of Miss Soft Crab has been reviewing the search terms people use to find us. We've written about it a few times but honestly, the ones you guys have heard about are just the tip of the iceberg.

J: Yeah, search terms can be great. Recent highlights include Ryan Gosling hair, superman sign with a k instead (Mate, did you search for this?) and Aragorn WTF face! WTF?

K: In addition to hilarious search terms, there have been some pretty hilarious comments too.
The most amusing relate to Jennifer Grey's nose job. You guys might not know this, but there is a pretty significant pro-nose job lobby out there, and they get pissed when you express a preference for original noses.

J: Yeah, those Jennifer Grey comments were weird. But I am pretty sure they were spam. I have to say my favourite comment came from someone called MC, but in truth I question the reality of that person too

K: Oh yes, the famous MC. Possible boyfriend of Miss Dizzy.

J: Possible boyfriend of Miss Dizzy! Yes! We have touched so many hearts and minds. But so many hearts and minds and faces have touched us too. Everyone we know and love and also don't know and love have been great in allowing us to immortalise them here!

K: That is so true. The people we know and love are the best - letting us talk about them like we do and posing for photos from behind all the time. I love those guys. And you guys, readers, YOU GUYS! We effing love you! We are so happy you guys come to to Miss Soft Crab and let us tell you about the things we eat, see and think about. For serious - we love it. How can we repay you? If we could we would give you the world, but that is not possible so, Mate, what do you say get Prince to show the people how much we love him. THEM! Shit. I mean them.

J: Yeah, Prince probably said it best. Thanks everyone!

Further winning combos (AM)

Who remembers when J posted about winning combos last year?( don't worry guys, its right here on the internet if you don't remember.)
Basically, her post was about things that are awesome on their own, but become super special when combined with other awesome things. 

Yesterday, my cousin I-Mac brought to my attention a little something that has the potential to be more winning than all the other combos heretofore discussed on Miss Soft Crab, and some as yet undiscussed combos, such as the on-screen pairing of Michael Fassbender and Viggo Mortensen.*

Say hello to Black and Brew- a combination of coffee and stout.

That's right readers, the stimulating deliciousness of coffee with the creamy deliciousness of stout, brewed together for your enjoyment.

I don't know about you guys, but as far as I'm concerned,
Mind = blown.

Please, people of the Samuel Adams brewing company, send this product to Australia. We will love it so hard, just you wait and see.























*Vincent Cassel is in this movie too. I know.

For your consideration: hunks other than Ewan McGregor

Did you know that the most frequently used search terms that lead people to Miss Soft Crab are "Ewan McGregor" and "Ewan McGregor, Trainspotting"?

It's true.
Day after day it is always the same. Occasionally there are additional terms, like "african violet propagation" and "barry hall's girlfriend", and the other day one of the most popular terms was "my missing finger". My missing finger!? MY missing finger? What are you looking on the internet for, you should be looking on the end of your hand!
But seriously, it is the search for Ewan that most consistently sends people our way, and let me now say to those people: welcome to Miss Soft Crab, you are well and truly amongst friends here.

I do, however, feel it is my duty to tell you that while I fully understand your interest in Ewan, perhaps you might like to take the time to consider some of the other hunks we have on offer.

Consider Colin.

Meander through our musings on Marky Mark.

Delight in Don.

There is a whole world to explore readers, you should look around and see what you like before you tie yourselves down.

Just saying.