Supplements saga

For the last few weeks the GOOP Instagram has been saying things like "Feeling effing exhausted? Sign up to be the first to hear about GOOP Wellness!" And of course yes! Whenever I see that I am feeling effing exhausted and because I don't want to be so tired I kept almost signing up until I remembered: a) whatever GOOP Wellness would be I couldn't afford it; b) it would be a crock of shit; and c) I'd find out about it on Instagram probably mere moments after those who'd signed up at their urging. Sure enough last Thursday, Instagram revealed that for a mere $90 for a month's worth of tablets I could feel thin OR less anxious OR less tired OR less stressed. But not all of those things unless I want to pay $360 a month because all those feelings come in different doctor-designed tablets. It may be worth I though because you'd possibly look like this: 

Or at least feel that smug. But despite thinking it's all a crock I also want to buy these supplements because I do want to be less tired, more thin, manage everything, feel better. On reflection though I think that rather than having Gwyneth's supplements I'd be better off with her bank balance because I'm pretty sure that having a nanny and a personal assistant and therefore the time to do Tracy Anderson Method five times a week I would probably feel thinner and less tired and manage everything better (via my personal assistant). Not that you need riches to achieve these things but if we're looking for quick fixes it seems like a good one. And nobody ever got rich by buying $90 supplements. So go screw Goop Wellness.

What the actual fuck (PM)

I agree. I'm not convinced that the croissant at the front has consented to the other croissant's actions. But I am convinced that Lune is BS. 

I kind of want to undertake a blind tasting with some pastry fanciers in the MSC community and proving that lune worship is a bunch of what the French would call merde. But that would involve going back. So eff that. 

What the actual fuck (AM)

Croissants spooning*

Last week K and I went to La Lune Croissanterie. La Lune used to be a hole in the wall in Elwood, where this woman made and sold croissants, opening the shop four days a week at 7am and everything would be sold out by 9. People queued from 5am to get these croissants. Or so the story goes. People talked and wrote about these croissants like they were god's gift. But I didn't really buy it. How good could a croissant be? I mean, I love a good croissant but I could not imagine how these could be so much better that I'd have to wake up at stupid o'clock and stand in the cold for two hours. I didn't buy it for a second. That doesn't mean I didn't think about it from time to time, wonder if I was missing out on something great, if I was making a huge mistake, but basically I only get up at 5am to catch international flights, no way I was getting up at that time for croissant.

And then, a couple of weeks ago K asked me if I'd ever eaten a La Lune croissant. Of course I told her all the reasons I hadn't and probably never would but I started thinking again and wondering if things had changed, so I Googled it and it turned out things had changed quite a lot. La Lune had moved to Fitzroy into a large space where you'd probably still have to queue for a bit but you could buy a croissant at a reasonable hour. So of course we went. I mean, it is a five minute walk from my house and there's no big deal standing in a queue for 20 minutes with your bestie, it's just like sitting on a couch, but standing and with a croissant at the end. Totally doable.

Let me cut to the chase. We waited in queue for probably 20-30 mins and it was totally fine. K and I don't care where we are talking shit, we can do that anywhere. A customer came out of the shop and announced that they had sold out of plain croissants. Although I felt disappointed I also thought that maybe it was temporary and a plain croissant would still be mine. My position on croissants is that plain is king. A pain au chocolat is yummy and an almond croissant is great too, but I would never buy that if a plain was on offer and so K, who feels the same way, and I decided that if possible we would each get a plain croissant and then one sweetie to share.

We were delighted when it came time to order and we discovered that we could indeed order plain croissants, which we did along with a pecan pie twice cooked croissant - basically a pecan pie take on an almond croissant. But I'll tell you what was less delightful - the total average goodness of the croissant. It was fine. It was definitely not a bad croissant. It was a good croissant, but it absolutely, without any question was no better than a bunch of other good croissants I've had in this city. Which begs the question, why the fuck are people queuing up?! Surely a bunch, if not most people are just like K and me, they've heard about it, they want to try it, but why does this persist?! And do people go back for more? I don't know, but I know they shouldn't. Seriously, what are you queuing for?!?!?

To be fair, the pecan pie twice baked croissant was delicious. In a pretty special way. Like it was perfectly balanced with pecan, maple syrupy, caramelly flavours with equally well balanced soft, gooey, sticky crunchy texture. There is no denying that was really good, but I would just never, ever go out of my way to buy something like that. A plain croissant on the other hand, I've gone out of my way many, many, many times to buy a good one of those. My favourite is the cornetto from Sugardough. That is one special, buttery pastry. It is largish, for a croissant so it manages to have a lovely flaky outside and plenty of soft inside, it has this hint of orange flavour and a very slightly sweet glaze on the outside and I love it. It is my favourite croissant ever and I've often driven to Brunswick for no other reason than to buy that croissant. But I just wonder, what the actual fuck is going on with La Lune. I'm so happy to know that I'm not missing out on anything and that I'm totally justified in my loathing of food worship, but I just wish I knew what the fuck.


*Does anyone else find this croissant photo somewhat suggestive and slightly offensive? Thought so.

Here it comes (AM)

Have a look at this, would you?

That's what the temperature is here in Preston as I write  this, according to the Accuweather app. That is mother flipping cold. Hardly makes one enthusiastic about pulling the covers back and getting out of bed. 

But on the plus side, reading it makes me realise how much I like the Accuweather app. It's location specific and has nice graphics to reflect the time of day. It also sets out the forecast for the whole day, so you can plan effectively. 

I should have got up at 4am, if I wanted to avoid the chill. 

And I wonder what time I should take my lunch break? 

Well, 4pm really! But I think we all know that's not going to happen. 

We all know that it's going to get warm again soon too, and just because it's 9 degrees (feels like 6 degrees) now it doesn't mean the good times are over for the whole year. 

Still doesn't make getting out of bed any easier though, does it?

Ugh, here I go. 

What a douche (AM)

With the possible exception of Pickle, I think we can all agree that whatever else you think of Gwyneth Paltrow she has a pretty annoying side. The useless offerings on her website of vacation destinations ("Here’s the plan: Get everyone you know and love together, fly into Manzanillo, make the 90-minute trek to Costalegre where you’ll find the Chamela-Ciuxmala Biosphere Reserve..."), fashion (the GOOP "last minute winter coat guide" included Givenchy and Stella McCartney and nothing under a thousand bucks) and how to organise your wardrobe (a walk-in one helps) are enough to make me vomit. To be fair to Gwyneth she doesn't write most of that stuff on her website but it's her website, so you know. Her wholesome macrobiotic, green-juice cleanse life, accounts of wine-drinking with her soon-to-be-ex husband, he of the most vomit-inducing band of the millennium, oh it is all too much for me. Her pretty smile, lovely blonde hair, casual style, I guess both repelled and attracted me. I don't think she's a bad actress and sometimes enjoy watching her, but on balance I have to say I do not like her. 

But recently something happened to test me, I watched her on Jimmy Fallon. I watched it especially to see if she was as annoying as I thought she'd be, and you know what? I didn't hate her. I didn't love her. No, nothing like that at all, but I definitely didn't hate her. She seemed far less annoying than many other people I've seen on talk shows. When I watched Drew Barrymore on Jimmy Fallon I didn't find her endearing at all, though I expected to. Fallon is not a very good interviewer, I don't think he necessarily brings out anything special from his guests but there Gwyneth was being moderately likeable. Boy was I confused and a little confronted. 

Then a few days ago I got an email, I know in fact it was from my mum, but it arrived from my dad's account, there next to Dad's name was the subject line "Gwyneth Paltrow advises women to 'steam-clean' their vaginas". Hahahahhaahah. And with that the status quo was restored. Apparently Gwyenth, whose name was above this piece published on GOOP, likes to sit on a jet of steam to clean out her vagina and uterus. I guess I just feel like this sounds like ... a total crock of shit. But don't just take it from me, listen to Gwynny, "It is an energetic release that balances female hormone levels." Ummmmm, yep no doubt that is a crock of shit. The Guardian website has a couple of interesting articles on this steaming malarkey, one for it and one rational one. Read them if you like! Well, Gwyneth, with your zillions of dollars I'm sure you have to invent new ways to spend it and new ways of demonstrating how cleansed and zen you are and I guess a vaginal steam clean can help on both those counts, it helps me too, it helps me realise how justified I've been thinking you're a loser. Thanks, Gwyneth, I guess we both win!

Fairy tale bullshit (PM)

I haven't read any fairytales lately and there's no way I'm going to now. Like we need more greed and douchyness in our lives! 

I do, however, need to see Frozen as a matter of priority. Niecey loves it with all her heart and as I think I've said before, if I want to relate to her I need to know more about Elsa and Anna and now this Christophe chap that J mentioned. The other day I was hanging out with Niecey and Little Nut and things were pretty chaotic as usual. At some point I referred to the fact that Appleheart used to live in Norway and suddenly everything stopped and from across the room Neicey said "DOES HE KNOW ELSA??!!" and because I hadn't seen the movie I felt It wasn't a lie to say "I don't know". BUt I knew it was a lie. I just wanted to seem cool.

And here is a photo I took in Iceland which looks frozen lots of the time and probably has better fairy tales than we do. 

Fairy tale bullshit (AM)

Have you read a fairy tale lately?! They are fucked up. I'm not even talking about the princess-being-saved-by-a-prince genre (yeah Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel you are doing nothing for your sisters but it's not your fault really) surely this has been done to death and we all know how effed these stories are in their reinforcement of the patriarchy. No I'm talking about the boy hero ones. 

Let's take Jack and the Beanstalk, the story of a poor boy who finds himself in a rich man'a

S (giant's) house and  decides to steal a bag of gold. Ok, he's hungry, he's just lost his cow, his mum is totally pissed at him, you can almost forgive this poor boy. But then the little fucker returns to the giant's place to steal more. Not satisfied with the gold he wants the harp, the goose, everything. Apparently a popular version of the story from the early 1800s suggests that the giant had originally stolen all that booty from Jack's dad but I've never heard that version and frankly, I'm not buying it.

What about Puss in Boots? I didn't really know this story well until Baby got a book. In this story a young man, a miller's son, inherits a cat that tricks the king into thinking the young man is a generous marquis. The cat gets all these people to tell the king the faux marquis owns a bunch of land and then the young man gets to marry the princess. What? Apparently this story is meant to demonstrate the importance of hard work and savoir fair, but I can't help feel that it demonstrates how to be a money-grubbing, manipulative douche or a willing pawn. And what the hell happens after the man marries the princess, how's he going to explain that he doesn't own all that land and that all his clothes other than those the king gave hit are more befitting a miller's son. I mean that cat isn't even smart, he isn't forward thinking at all if you ask me. In fact the more I think about this story, the worse it gets.

Thank god we've moved past these kinds of stories. I know that people go on about what a great movie Frozen is because the sisters are doing it for themselves, and word up to that, but I don't think we should overlook the industry of Christophe, a man with a passion for ice who works hard to get to where he is in life. Sure there's a little nepotism at the end, but that just reflects reality and he's still a hard-working ice man. 

I also worry about the perpetuation of the idea of a stepmother as evil. I mean in this day and age that's got to be dangerous, stepmothers are no longer relegated to the realm of marrying widow kings and gentlemen, anyone can have a stepmother these days. Watch out also if your child asks you what a stepmother is, and definitely don't explain it by saying something like "well if daddy and I decided not to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore..." Because while personalising things may be helpful in assisting understanding, unnecessarily introducing the idea that parents can split up to a small child is, well, unnecessary. 

Wow, who knew it was possible to hate on fairy tales so hard!?

There is absolutely nothing funny about this post (PM)

Reflections? Sure I got some.

Man, I remember the night of the 2007 elections. I had dinner with some peeps at spicy fish, as was our wont back then. In those pre-iPhone days we had to get updates from people via phone calls! By the time that dinner was over Kevin 07 was victorious and we were so goddamn happy we were actually rejoicing in the streets.

And it was good for a while, wasn't it guys?! We had it pretty good. And then Labor *#%^ed it. They *#%^ed it right in the ^*€#.

And the it just £^*¥ *%#$ @$&* &$%^. &?%$ *$%%^#^&& destabilising ¥+*^ %£#* @&$* ^*¥ *%#$ @$&* &$%^. So &@$* @$&* %*#* @$&*. Just &*% *&%# #&%^ Kevin Rudd &@)# @$#* ¥+*^ %£#* @&$* ^*¥ *%#$ @$&* &$%^. So &@$* *&%^ ?$%* #$@& *&^%.

Yeah, I got reflections.

Reflections on a visit to Hoyts (AM)

Pressure much?

When I was little I used to go to the Hoyts at Chadstone all the time to see movies. Back then movies cost $7.50 and you could get a bag of mixed lollies for about 50 cents from the Milk Bar on Trevelyan Street, which was on the way to the bus stop which took you all the way to Chadstone. Or was it Hartington Street? I can't remember. Nor can I remember if those prices are accurate. Nor can I put my finger on when exactly I started becoming someone who says "back then,..." but all those things are written here so they must be true.
Last night, I went to Hoyts Melbourne Central to see Elysium starring Jason Bourne who seems to be flourishing in his new career as 'movie star'.
These days, movies cost $22 a pop. Is it just me or is that kind of a lot of money? You could clothe a family of five at Rivers for less than that.
Also, these days, they have a thing at Hoyts called Xtremescreen, described on the webbie as follows:

Xtremescreen is the full audio visual BIG SCREEN eXperience!  Its entertainment at it's BIGGEST and LOUDEST!

Big Screen Experience – enjoy the sights and sounds of the latest release films...on a massive scale! Xtremescreen boasts the largest screen within the complex. There is no better sound experience at Hoyts!

With 10,000 watts driving a state of the art Dolby 8 Channel surround EX sound system and a massive screen, you’ll be blown away! 

When size and sound matters, there’s only one choice... Xtremescreen!

Wow. That is a big wrap.
At first I couldn't believe that I had been missing out on the fill audio visual big screen experience all these years. But then when I took my $22 seat in Cinema 10 I realised the joke was on them. Or me? I don't know, someone. Xtremescreen is basically just a big screen, not that significantly different from a regular screen. It's like Premium Economy, which is to say, bullshit.

Anyway, the good news is the film was not terrible! I only rolled my eyes the normal amount of times and I didn't slap my forehead once! And my choc top was delicious and I only smeared a little bit of chocolate on my face and clothes which is a definite plus for me.
So maybe go see it at the Nova on cheap Monday. And just pick yourselves up a choctop from Melbourne Central Hoyts next time you're in town.

The Oscars 2013

I think you know what is about to happen here. But before we get into it, can I just say how thankful I am that the Oscars producers read our 2012 post and put a few genuine hunks into the mix this year. Still, it would help if they didn't include so much shit in the coverage. Fuckers.

K: Oscars 2013. Serve it up, let's go!

You know I don't even know who's won any of these bitches.

J:  I know who won a few. Not many. Let's get the elephant out of the room. If this is the hunk-free nightmare it was last year I'm going to

...

...

Be really upset

K:  Same.

J:  I calling it on MacFarlane, I think he will suck.

K:  Yeah. I'm feeling like I wish it was Brian Griffin.

J:  That would be great!

K:  Not a real guy. 

Ooh, DDL! Still a hunk.

J:  A laughing DDL! Yeah, he's still got it.

I wonder if Leonardo is there. We can get to the bottom of whether he is a hunk.

 At this point Seth MacFarlane did a thing with William Shattner in his Star Trek guise. It was not funny and was based on the (all too believable premise) that MacFarlane would be a terrible host. 

K:  Shattner's calling it too

J:  Shattner knows what's what.

K:  Mate, are we going to make it this year?

J:  I've got some hard liquor on standby so I think I'll be ok.  For a while at least.

K:  What's your poison?

J:  Left over Ikea spirits. It worked for the Brownlow.

K:  I've got some peach schnapps, come to think of it.

J:  Thank god. Fuck, I can't believe this Shattner thing is still going. I don't know if the Ikea liquor is going to be enough.

K:  No hunks yet. I can't help but notice. 

Hang about...

J:  Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. YES! Dancing no less! #WIN #gonetoosoon.

K:  Sure, but it's kind of a mess.

J:  I'm trying to look on the bright side

K:  I think I've got a bad attitude.

J:  Drink the schnapps. Joaqs and Rain!

K:  Let’s hope some hunks rise like Pheonixes from the ashes of last year.

J:  Heh heh

K:  Thanks mate. Those Ikea spirits really work

J:  I'm not drinking yet!

Probably I'll think Affleck is a hunk by the end of this

K:  But not Cooper. Never Cooper.

J:  If I think Bradley Cooper is a hunk after this I'm never watching the Oscars again. Or putting myself in any hunk-free environment.

 

K:  Paul Rudd and Mel Mac!

J:  #winningcombos

K:  I love these guys. Slappin da bass

J:  You know what else is good? Ikea spirits! I've had to start drinking and this one tastes like caraway

The bottles are little, I just decided to go for 2 at once

J: The Avengers quintet! This could be hot!

K:  But where's Hemsworth?

J:  Shit, I missed the bit where he did not say Hemsworth's name. This is not hot.

K:  No, no it's not. Ruffalo looks like a young Shattner. Which is to say, not hot

J:  Some people are only hot in movies. Like Marky Mark.

K:  What are you saying, Mate?

J:  I saw Graham Norton on the weekend. Marky Mark and Fassbender were on it! I think Wahlberg was drunk. He was kind of a d-bag. Anyway maybe that’s Ruffalo.

K:  That's so disappointing. How was Fassbender?

J:  Marky Mark kept interrupting him, he hardly spoke but he laughed a lot. I had to admit, the guy has something.

K:  Eureka!

My lappy battery is down to 58% capacity. I'm using at as an indicator of my own capacity.

J:  I don't like Halle Berry but I'm pretty attracted to her dress. I didn't see it in long shot though.

J: There it is. I like it.

K:  It's got some specialness I think. Its certainly better than the other snore makers

J:  Liam!

K:  Liam!

J:  HAHA! Liam still gets the Schindler's List music when he comes out.

I set my TV to change to The Mindy Project in case the Oscars was too boring #forwardthinking

The Phoenixes are sitting next to Jennifer Anniston.

K:  It looks a little out of place, doesn't it? But maybe they are all amigos.

J:  Probs its just difficult to organise the seating plan for the Oscars.

I just found a possum in the kitchen. It scared me. Then I scared it and it ran out the window.

Hey, All That Jazz. From back when they knew how to make musicals. Yes C-Zets!

...Oh, songs from all the musicals in Oscar history. No thanks!

Russell Crowe has seen better days. Oh, there was no prerecording of this Les Mis extravaganza.

K:  Sorry Mate, I was offline for a little bit. But I'm back now for the musical megamix. Holy shit! 

Never mind Russell Crowe , there was a possum in your kitchen?

J:  It came in through the window. It was in the sink.

It ran back out the window and

 K:  Oh the poor little poss. I bet it was thirsty.

J:  Who isn't!

K:  Ha!

K:  I want someone to win something. Someone hunky.  Or someone wearing a good dress

J:  Dream on.

Hang about.

K:  HANG ABOUT!

 

K: I like Ted's Boston accent

J:  I like it too. Also, I love Marky Mark again. Everyone has bad days. Especially when they are drunk.

K:  He's still got it. Whatever MM's version of 'it' is

J:  'It's' special. I know that much.

K:  Yeah, 'it' is. Imagine if Marky Mark was Jewish

J:  Oh, boy.

K:  Oy boy.

Marky Mark and Ted were announcing the best sound editing awards.

K:  Lot of hair in this category...

J:  People sitting in dark rooms doing sound editing. Perfect hair growing conditions.

K:  22% battery left, FYI

J:  UGH. Hathaway. Get off.

K:  Yes please. Get off.

J:  Seriously.

K:  Remember when she hosted? Ugh

J:  Oh, that was the worst! The worst! I think I don't like any actress less.

K:  16 per cent battery mate! #runningonempty

J:  Well, even though these Oscars are boring as the proverbial bat shit (what kind of proverb writer would write one about bat shit?) You've gotta admit the hunk quotient is higher than last year.

K:  A little bit. Just a little bit. No Christian Bale, I can't help but notice.

More DDL wouldn't go astray #ifyouvegotitflauntit

J:  #truedat Still, Marky Mark, the Radcliffe-Gordon Levitt dance, Joaqs in the audience. Last year it was like there wasn't a handsome man in the audience.

K:  So true. Joaqs in the audience has been a real boon.

Where is Casey?

Also, where are the straps on all the dresses of all the ladies? It's just shoulder after shoulder tonight...

J:  Oh, I know. Where is Casey Affleck and where are the straps. But seriously folks, why isn't Casey Affleck there with his brother or brother in-law?

K:  Shit mate, I'm on reserve battery power! 7 per cent!  

J:  I don't if you are still there mate, but KStew and Radcliffe! #togetheratlast

K:  I went to clean my teeth. What did I miss?

J:  Just more broken promises.

K:  That's Oscartown

  

J:  Yep. Another year, another 5 hours wasted.

K:  Oh, no you don't mate!! MY HOMEGIRL

J:  She's rapping

K:  I wish she would do the rap from Austin Powers

J:  #memories

K:  You know, it's surprising one of my brothers isn't gay, what with all the milk of Barbra Streisand we were nursed on.

J:  Probably one of them is #keepitinthecloset HAHAHA! Obviously I do not think either of your brothers is gay

K:  No one does Mate. But I bet we came close. Anyway. I'm going to hit the sack.So who won stuff?

J:  Argo won best movie, DDL won best actor, Ang Lee won best movie, Jennifer Lawrence won best actress. I think. I'm a bit making this up. Improv they call it in the biz. The Internet tells me Django won best original screenplay and Argo won best unoriginal screenplay.

K:  Ha. Well, good for you, winners. Bad luck losers. And goodnight to you my friend. me:   

J: Yep, movies night of nights. Over. Thank God. 'Night.