WTF Wednesday

WTF? Where did this Wednesday go?!

WTF Wednesday

It's Wednesday already? WTF?!

Gifts from the Internet (PM) (or WTF? Wednesday)

Well I have to say I am floored by this morning's post. Firstly, WTF? We don't have to blog about food on our designated food day?

Secondly, WTF is with the jumpers on ponies? I mean putting a cardigan on a pony is one thing but the bit where they sew the jumper on! Those bitches are serious about dressing them ponies!

Thirdly, I really want to go to Scotland now. 

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

That sister hadn't heard of Molly Ringwald is upsetting. I mean what the hell are they teaching in schools these days?! But more upsetting is a thought I had moments after reading K's post this morning.

Think about it. The Breakfast Club is pretty much a movie that defined a generation. Not really, it's just a movie that people who were young at a certain time watched a lot. Right? I assumed that young people would always watch this movie. Right? Because it is awesome. In fact I wish I was watching it right now. But bra-fitting girlfriend hasn't heard of Molly Ringwald, suggesting she hasn't seen it.

You see where I am going with this? I don't know, maybe it is because the review of the Red Dawn remake is fresh in my brain or maybe it is because I am still upset about last year's remake of Footloose. But you guys if the movie moguls get wind of the fact that kids aren't watching The Breakfast Club they may think it is a good idea to make a new one. You guys, I don't want John Hughes rolling over in his grave. And even more I do not want to see a Breakfast Club remake.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

Yesterday I went to buy a new sports bra. 

Sometimes, buying a bra is quite enjoyable, but buying a sports bra never is.  Shopping for a sports bra is on par with things like going to Medicare or calling your internet service provider to arrange for a new plan because your existing plan is shithouse. Still, it has to be done. 

I went to this special shop in the city staffed by mature women who know how to fit you properly and don't judge you for never having a clue what size bra you wear. You sometimes have to wait a while but it's worth it, for the extra special treatment.  

 

So there I was, waiting around for my turn, looking through through the racks of bras when I discovered that this:

Just the bra, not the whole lady. 

 

Now I don't know about you guys, but I look at that and I think hello Dolly magazine circa 1991, hello bike shorts, hello open chambray shirt tied at the bottom, hello fun in the sun. In a nut shell readers, this little crab liked what she saw. 

 

Straight after thinking this, my turn came up so off I went to try on my sports bra. 

 

My attendant looked like she was about 21, which did not encourage me given that I have had boobs for longer than she has been alive, but I gave her a chance. And all fairness to her, the girl knew what she was doing. Before I could say 'bounce reduction', she had found me the perfect sports bra. 

I was feeling pretty satisfied with the results. Cocky even. So I said to my girl (and i'm paraphrasing here): hey girl, hows about you get me a normal bra to try on now. Maybe that one on the third shelf with the bustier type deal that looks like something Molly Ringwald would wear.

 

You know what she said?

 

"Who's Molly Ringwald?".

 

Unbelievable. There are people in the world who are old enough to have jobs, but don't know who Molly Ringwald is.

Eyes = opened, friends.

WTF Wednesday (PM)

WTF country Victoria?! Whale's don't blow. They effing rule! I can only assume, Mate, that you are not in coastal Victoria. Only an inland motel would hate on whales. Because they are jealous, I guess.

Twice I have seen whale's off Torquay. At Winkipop to be precise, which is right next to Bells Beach. You know, Bells Beach, Australia. Where the 100-year storm comes and kills Bodhi.

Anyway if you don't want to die like Bodhi, you surf at Winki, not Bells. And if you are the girlfriend of a surfer you stand around not surfing and getting chiko rolls for your boyf and if you are really lucky you see a whale. And it effing rules. Even if they do swim way out and you can barely see them and all you have to know it's really a whale is the occasional different movement of water.  Gee, whales, why are you such a tease. Maybe you do blow.

WTF Wednesday (AM)

You guys, I just did a little Google search and it turns out that blogs all over the cyberspace are running days called WTF Wednesday! But if my brief perusal of said WTF Wednesday's was representative you'll definitely get your best WTF Wednesdays right here!

This really brown blog I looked at mentioned the words 'tarantula hawk' and I thought WTF?!?!?! I would have just thought it was a hawk that ate tarantulas but they made it clear that this was not a bird. (FYI the WTF moment of this post was that a bird built a nest in this blogger's garden and that bird must have been an idiot because the blogger has German pointers, which are bird-hunting dogs. Yes, that was their WTF. You see how much better off you are here, readers?)

But no. Tarantula hawks are not tarantula-eating hawks. They are tarantula-eating mother flipping WASPS! Wasps that eat tarantulas! Holy mother effing moly! The thought of a huge wasp wrestling a tarantula is one of the most terrifying things I have ever imagined.

The wasp is up to 5cm long and it looks like this:

I'm sorry you had to see that.

Also, the wasp belongs to the family of wasps called 'spider wasps'. Oh god, it just keeps getting more terrifying. They live in South America and according to wikipedia in some parts of Venulzuela and Columbia they are called 'matacaballos' which means HORSE KILLER.

I can't believe there are tarantula-eating, horse-killing wasps out there. 

Let's all look at a picture of a Damon Albarn to make us all feel better.

= Destination reached!

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Man, what is with the douche-bs in your neighbourhood ?! Maybe that person who keeps vandalising your car has a crush on you but doesn't know how to express it so they are acting out on your car?! Douche-b! As if you would date the SOB making your car sad and your bank account depleted.

Having said that, perhaps you should consider parking your car in your car spot rather than the street?

God I wish we were still in Hobart.

WTF Wednesday (PM)

Oh, oh man, ads are THE WORST!
I'm glad you brought this up, because pretty much every time I watch TV I encounter an ad I want to pay out on. However, I'm pretty sure ads are like jokes in that when you hear one, you think you will totally remember it and can't wait to tell other people, but in fact you have already forgotten it and you pretty much have no hope of recalling it next time you need a joke. It turns out that when I'm not in front of a TV watching ads, I find it very hard to remember ads, so I've got nothing new here. But that Gaviscon one sure does sound dumb! And those Helga's Sandwich Thins makes me think that by the time that product got to the advertiser's desk, the damage was done. Bread that is more like a stale pitta so you can put more sandwich in it? That is a solution begging for a problem. It offers nothing that a person who likes sandwiches couldn't have provided for themselves with a little experimentation. Trust me, Helga's,  if a person really wants more sandwich in your sandwich, they will figure out a way, and ideally that way will not require bread sacrifice. Idiots.

While we're on the topic of things that make you go WTF?, consider this photo that was on
The Sartorialist yesterday with the heading: Layered Knits.

As you can see, this gentleman has layered the shit out of some knits. Obviously this is very confronting, so I'll give you all a moment to collect yourselves.

OK, personally, I like a knit, and the thought of layering knits to achieve some kind of state of mega-warmth, well lets just say me likey. However, WTF is with the fact that this guy is also holding a knit? Dude, are you worried that we are not going to understand that you are experimenting with extreme knit-wearing, what with your DOUBLE KNITTED CARDIGAN deal, one of which is a CHUNKY KNIT? We get it, guy, we totally get it. You look like Linus, carrying that thing around, give it a friggen rest.

WTF Wednesday (AM)

I'm pretty sure that over the summer the regular people that make ads were on holidays and the mailroom kids were running the show. Have you watched TV recently? Ads are ridiculous.

Have you seen the Gaviscon ad? Gaviscon are obviously so embarrassed about it they don't even have it on the TV adverts page on their website.

It's a pretty standard indigestion medication ad, some people are eating and looking stressed, they obviously have pained tummies, a voice over tells you how great Gaviscon is and a person looks happy.

But right when they are trying to tell you that 'three out of four Gaviscon users feel better after taking it' they show you a picture of a happy woman next to an unhappy man. I couldn't find an appropriate image to illustrate so instead I will show you this picture of R.Patz.

Anyway, I guess the unhappy man is meant to be a non-Gaviscon user, but instead the visual imagery suggests that they both took Gaviscon and that only one out of two people feel better after taking it. That you are just as likely to feel shit as happy. Do your job advertisers! Sheesh!

And have you  seen Helga's Sandwich Thins ad? To me, the product looks like a stale pita bread. The ad tells me that they are a "thin-style bread roll " and that you can have "more sandwich, less bread." Isn't a "thin-style bread roll" a piece of bread? I am not necessarily of the "more is more" school of thought, and yet I can't help but think that perhaps the best way of selling bread is not by telling people they want less bread.

 

WTF, advertisers?! You can do better. And if you can't you are in the wrong industry.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

So on the weekend I was in the Myer toy department. It's a great place to take Baby because there are all these giant toys, like giant Elmo, giant Big Bird, giant Thomas the Tank. It's like a theme park but for free.

Anyways I was there just trying to have a nice day with Baby but kept beng distracted by all these ridculous toys! WHAT THE EFF?!?! I kept askng myself. And I really had to say eff 'cause I was in a toy department.

First there was 'My first ATM'.

 

What the fuck?? How is that fun? A fucking ATM? That's not fun. How would you even play with that? They are big, like the size of a toddler and there was a whole shelf of them. Are people buying them? WTF???

Then, just as I was getting over the effing toy ATM I saw the new Barbie. Video Girl Barbie. It's a video and a Barbie. WHAT? Yeah, you see that black dot on her chest? It's a 'necklace' and a camera.

What the eff, guys? What the eff?!

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Oh. Oh geez mate. What did those eggs look like? You weren't eating barkers' eggs were you?

As long as they looked like eggs and smelled like eggs and tasted like eggs, I think they were eggs. If they didn't, then I think you had dog shit for dinner.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

I had eggs for dinner last night.
I am really tired from the weekend you see.

And, I love eggs.

 

I was having the best time of it until I saw this picture on the side of the box, and became concerned:

 

That ain't no chicken!

What the hell kind of operation are these cowboys running?

 

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Oh. Oh, geez. Barista, that is not cool! Asking a customer how hey feel about sucking balls is definitely beyond the realm of appropriate small talk. Even if the customer did kind of bring it up first.

Now I know using an analogy should not mean that a person should attempt draw you out on that analogy. But, after all, the expression "sucked balls" has the words "sucked" and "balls" in it, so I guess I would be a little wary who I used that expression around, you know. And I'm pretty sure I would not use it around a guy who admired the th inspiration for The Mentalist.

I'm not saying you were asking for it. Take back the night, I say. No means no, I also say. I'm just saying it's important to excercise caution.

WTF? Wednesday

Today's Miss Soft Crab is brought to you by the barista who makes my coffee in the morning, and the letters W, T and F.

Being a barista in this town would be a tough gig. First, even though you have to make coffee after coffee after coffee, you have to make every single one of those little bastards delicious or your fickle clients will abandon you.  Second, you have to make small talk with all the people. Hundreds of people. I effing love small talk, but in those kind of volumes even I would struggle.

While my barista nails the first aspect, he kind of falls down with the second, but because he really knows his way around a coffee machine,  I have been successfully ignoring the weird stuff he says so I can enjoy his tasty brews on a daily basis.

I guess it's kind of hard to ignore, though.  Here is a random sample of small talks we have had recently:

 

Barista: "I read a book about the guy that the TV show The Mentalist is based in. He's really inspirational".
Me: *facepalm*

Barista: "I've got the names of all my children picked out already. I'm going to call my son Tiger Tiger."
Me: *WTF? WTF?*

Barista: "Where's Brunswick?"
Me: *...................!........................*

It's a pretty bad scene.  But you know, he's not my damn geisha girl, so I don't really need him to be a good conversationalist. I just need him to make with the good coffee, which he totally does.

But, like all relationships that involve an element of denial, this one is about to come to an end on account of some truly WTF? shit he said on Monday.

Let me set the scene. I'm sure you remember Monday. It was just two days ago after all. It poured with rain which meant the morning commute was characterised by delays, and people losing their shit because of the delays. You did not want to be on the #96 on Monday people, it was nasty. The calls of "please move down the tram, people are trying to get on!" came thick and fast, as did the customary responses  "We're trying" and "There's no where to go!" and "Idiots!".

By the time I got off the tram I was feeling kind of grateful to be alive, and boy did I want the heck out of a coffee.  I trotted in to the cafe, and there was Barista, waiting with that metal thing they put the coffee in and the jug they put the milk in, all ready to go.  With the start of the coffee making came the small talk.

Barista: "So I hear the trams are a nightmare this morning"
Me: "Oh dude, today's tram ride sucked balls".

I said this because it is the truth, the tram ride sucked balls.

Then he says "hahaha, well everyone I've spoken to said it was really bad, so I guess you really hate sucking balls!" and looked at me all expectantly.
Like saying that something sucks balls isn't a mere figure of speech,  and  like I should answer, like asking a lady on her way to work how she feels about sucking balls is an OK thing.

Um, WTF guy?! That is not cool!

Dude crossed a line, and now I have to find a new barista. Thanks a lot, guy. Sheesh. 

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

OMG WTF?!

You know, Twigley makes me think WTF pretty much all the time.

 WTF is she wearing?

WTF does everyone see in her?

Speech pathology, WTF?

But this! WTF?

WTF was she thinking making this ad with her baby?

WTF is wrong with her face?

And WTF was the stylist and makeup artist thinking?

Oh, I think I know that one.

But the Jiggly baby is very cute.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

I don't read actual newspapers so much any more. You know, because of the internet. And because they are unwieldy. And because all I ever do when I buy the paper is read about 3 articles and then head straight for the word target. But sometimes I get all wistful about their crinkly pages and their smudgey ink, and so I buy one.

I did this the other day, and was having a nice time of it until I flipped a page, saw this, and damn near  lost my shit:

WT mother-effing F?! If I'm not mistaken, that's a full page add for diamond rings featuring Twigley and the Jigley baby. People, I do not think this is cool. I mean, way to pimp out your baby, Jigleys.

But really, it's the look on Twigley's face that troubles me. Lets take a closer look.

Gah!

I don't know how to say this, other than bitch be lookin' crazy in that photo and baby be lookin' dubious yo. I'm sure she is a totally fine mother and all, and the Jigley baby is certainly very adorable, but sheesh! I absolutely do not want to open my newespaper of a morning and see a face that says I bathe in the blood of 50 virgins every night, and I will have my virgins! No sirreee.

WTF guys, seriously.

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

You know, when I read the title of this morning's post I read it as 'WTF, Wednesday?' (yes, turns out I am a chronic misreader), even though it was not punctuated like that at all. So I was expecting the post to be along the lines of, 'stupid Wednesday, why isn't it Friday? Or at least Thursday?'

I sure wasn't expecting to learn about Tropical Cyclone Funso! WTF indeed?! What kind of a sick fuck thinks Funso is a cool name for a cyclone?! Sick fuck.

Anyway I wanted to learn a bit more about Funso so I went over to Google, natch. There I learned that TC Funso hit Mozambique too and that Mozambique was still recovering from Tropical Depression Dando. What?

Seriously, what?

So I for one love the idea of 'WTF? Wednesday' because I feel like it is really going to expand my mind.

As for Julianne Moore in Crazy Stupid Love, you should know by now that you can't trust any actor not to fuck up once in a while (see: Marky Mark and Planet of the Apes, Ewan McGreggor and The Island and all the new Star Wars movies, which also applies to Liam Neeson, oh and also Natalie Portman, seriously every likeable actor has made at least one abominable film.)

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

Oh, hi guys.

So I was looking around the internet for Miss Soft Crab inspiration last night (what?) and happened on a story about Tropical Cyclone Funso.Don't know about Tropical Cyclone Funso? Neither did I, 24 hours ago. But now I know heaps, so I can tell you all about it.

At a glance, Tropical Cyclone Funso is a nasty Tropical Cyclone that has recently killed and homelessified a bunch of people in Madagascar. Eff you, Funso!

But, unlike your regular cyclone, Tropical Cyclone Funso is a tropical cyclone called Funso. Now I don't know about you guys, but I want to know who the eff thought that it was a good idea to call a cyclone Funso. First, aren't cyclones named after people? Who the hell ever heard of a person called Funso? Maybe in the clown community, but this is the real world!
And secondly, if this cyclone namer was going to go rogue, shouldn't they have considered that maybe in naming the cyclone after fun, everyone's favourite thing, they might send the wrong message about the destructive possibilities of the cyclone, thereby failing to compel people to get the hell out if its way? WTF, cyclone namer, WTF?

Anyway, in pondering these questions, I came up with the idea for WTF? Wednesday, a potential new day on the Miss Soft Crab schedule. It's not a terribly well thought out idea, but basically I was just thinking that maybe we could discuss things that make us go WTF? on Wednesdays. Like Tropical Cyclone Funso. And why Julianne Moore, who is really great, would participate in a film like Crazy Stupid Love.

That's all I wanted to say. What do you guys think?