Mistakes were made

My deodorant 

And  sunscreen look similar

Wrong one's on my face

Lovage
I know you're out there
I loved so hard on lovage
Where can I find you?

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Um, where are you muse?

I've been waiting all night, but

You've sent me bupkis. 

Sometimes, you don't come. 

No note. No phone call. Nothing.

You just plain don't come. 

Lucky tonight's not

One of those nights, eh? Just Jokes. 

It totally is. 

I will say this though. 

David and Margaret are an

Adorable pair. 

I was watching At the Movies while writing haiku you see.

Something for everyone (PM)

Well I might as well ask the internet for pictures of animals that look like other things. 

Of course I'm going to make the internet do all the work, by using J's search technique where one starts writing "<<insert animal's name>> that look like...." and then wait to see what google wants to tell me.

May I present, Rabbits that looks like lions:

Long shot, google. 

Dogs that look like pandas:

Nice pair, crazy lady.

And finally, the cats that look like Hitler spin off, cats that look like Kim Jong Il:

This is never going to take off. 

Quite separately, I found this.

I can's stop looking at it.

Something for everyone (AM)

Today I thought I was all ready to tell you all these thoughts I have been having about Prince. Not just Prince, but music in general. But then it got kind of confronting. Like, am I really ready to talk to you about the visceral response to music, my ideas about how live music is so awesome because it makes some imagined world created by music somehow almost tangible, but also tantalisingly less tangible, and how the first time I heard 'Gett Off' my mind was totally blown. No. No way. I am totally not ready to go there. Sorry guys. (But go and watch the clip for 'Gett Off'. It's so awesome but I can't embed it.)

'But', I thought to myself, 'What am I going to write about?' So I looked around for inspiration. And found it in one of my favourite places. The Internet! Actually, I found it right here in the back end of Miss Soft Crab, specifically in the keyword search traffic sources. Firstly, you may be interested to know that not a single Ewan McGregor-related phrase was in the top ten search terms bringing people here. 'Jedward' was (thanks Eurovision) and so was 'Seal's face' (thanks The Voice). And so was 'fish that looks like a man'. I mean, geez, you talk about a fathead sculpun one time and suddenly 'fish that looks like a man' is bringing in the audience. So I thought I would see what happened when I asked Google for a 'fish that looks like a man'. I'll tell you what happened, as I started writing the Google predictive text told me that the second most searched for fish look alike, after 'fish that looks like a dog' is 'fish that looks like hitler'. No wonder. Turns out there are a heap of those little bastards out there:

Then I decided to see what other animals look like people. There are dogs that look like Snoop Dogg. Of course.

 
I also tried for pigs that look like people. But apparently people only ever ask Google to find images of 'pigs that look like sheep' and 'pigs that look like a willy'. WTF, people?!? WTF?

Finally it became quite clear that I had to see if there were any dogs that look like Ewan McGreggor. Apparently there aren't, so Google offered up this instead.

An open letter to Harvey Norman (PS/PM)

Dear Harvey Norman,

What the eff is wrong with you?!?! 


Truth be told I haven't seen the ad K wrote about this morning, 'cause, you know I am too busy in the kitchen and the only people that watch TV in my household are my boyfriend and son. Jokies! IDIOTS! As if! I just haven't seen your stupid ad because fortune has smiled upon me I guess. If I had seen it though I would be feeling exactly like K is. In fact I am feeling the exact way K is.

Do you know how I feel when my team is playing and I am cooking and I come in to look at the TV briefly and see my boyfriend watching the footy. I feel fucking resentful.

Eff you Harvey Norman. EFF YOU!!!

Also, seriously, I know you are a successful business, but I would never buy a TV from you. Even before this despicable ad, your ads have never, ever appealed to me. So there!

Love
J

An open letter to Harvey Norman (AM)

Dear Harvey Norman,

Usually when Miss Soft Crab writes an open letter, Miss Soft Crab eases in to it. Miss Soft Crab starts nice and gentle, and then Miss Soft Crab rams it home when Miss Soft Crab is good and ready.  But Harvey Norman, your latest ad is such a bunch a total bullshit, Miss Soft Crab does not feel like doing you any favours. 

You know the ad i'm talking about.  It's the one where a man and a woman are in the kitchen doing some domestic labour. The man excuses himself because the footy's about to start.  He goes in to the living room, which miraculously turns in to a football ground  (I assume this is to indicate that the TVs and shit you guys sell are so rad, they will make you feel like you're at the ground, but I hate this ad so much I haven't even registered what it's for. Truth be told, Harvey Norman, I'm not even 100% sure it's your ad, but I think it is, and I need someone to blame). The man looks really really happy, and then a small boy comes in the room and says "Daddy!" and hops up on the couch with the man so they can watch TV together. In the background, the woman comes out of the kitchen and leans against the door frame and tilts her head as if she is really touched by this vision of the special men in her life bonding over the football.

Um, you've got to be fucking kidding me Harvey Norman.You're trying to sell TVs by telling us:

• women belong in the kitchen, and have no interest in the footy
• only men and their infant sons like sitting on the couch watching the footy  
• women derive a LOT of satisfaction from taking a brief break from their domestic labour to look at the back of their man's head while he is sitting on the couch watching the footy. 

WTF, Harvey Norman.This ad peddles a totally antiquated, totally effed version of domestic life, and one made even more nightmarish by the implication that in this world, women don't like football. What the eff?!  Nuclear families. Women working while Men relax. I guess he's been at work all week and needs to relax, right Harvey Norman?  I guess she's just been at home looking after the kid all week, and therefore doesn't need that time on the couch.
This is the worst kind of bullshit Harvey Norman. The kind that appears simple and innocuous and fleeting, but nevertheless implies things that are totally effed and have no place on my TV, which, I'm sorry to say, I bought at Harvey Norman.  You should know better. And if you know nothing else, know this: I wouldn't buy electronic goods from you if you were the last purveyor of electronic goods on earth. Bam!


Love from K




PS: Also you want to sell some TVs? Storyboard this, mother effers. 

OPTION 1 - Based on actual events that took place at Chez K on Sunday


Note: This scene takes place in a small but cosy apartment, where there are no dishes to be done because the occupant cleverly went out for brunch to avoid creating dishes. Specifically the breakfast pizza here - try it, it's unbelievable  


Woman gets on couch an hour before the footy starts, to be sure she doesn't miss it. 
Woman is delighted to discover that a repeat of Downton Abbey is on. 
Woman watches it until the footy starts. 
Woman has a lovely time, especially up until three quarter time because her team has been quite competitive. 
 FIN

OPTION 2 - Based on events that are yet to occur but universe, if you're listening, it would be really rad if they could occur at some point this winter. 


Note: This scene takes place in a cosy cottage type deal, possibly in Hobart, and there may be a fire going in the background. There is definitely a cute dog curled up on a rug somewhere. It opens with a man and woman in a kitchen. Man loooks like a young Mandy Patinkin. 

Man: "Honey, the footy's about to start."

Woman: High five!

Man goes to oven and pulls out tray of party pies and sausage rolls.

Woman places tomato sauce, stubbies (in stubbie holders...football is a winter sport after all and no one likes a cold hand) and serviettes on the coffee table.

Man, woman, cute dog all take a seat at the couch.

All take a party pie and start eating.

First siren sounds.

FIN

Bam! TVs get sold. 

The amazing things I heard this weekend (PM)

These women are laughing because one of them made a joke like "Thermomix? More like ThermoBULLSHIX!!! HAHAHA" (What?)  

I'm coming to that Thermomix demonstration! Please. Even though I am weary of kitchen devices that can do everything, because I associate them with products that get advertised on morning television with the claim they can do everything, like the Aahh Bra.  Maryanne: do you really expect me to believe that one flimsy little bra that doesn't even have underwire can do the work of an entire wardrobe of bras? Forget it Maryanne, you're out of your mind.  But the Thermomix intrigues me. Not that I am going to spend $2000 on one. But still, can't hurt to do a little research. Just ask scientists - they are always researching things and they don't seem to get hurt by it. (I don't know any scientists, I have no idea if that's true).

I didn't really hear anything amazing on the weekend, I don't think. Hilarious, sure, like everything that came out of Legsly's mouth while I was at her place with Tickle and Miguel watching the Eurovision final last night. That girl is S.E.R.I.O.U.S. about Eurovision. It's like the Grand Final for her. She was nervous with anticipation. At times she couldn't stop talking about what she was seeing, and how it represented or departed from what Eurovision is all about. Sometimes she would go quiet, out of respect for the performance and in those moments, you could cut the air with a knife. Safe to say that Sweden's performance, totally blew her mind and she felt they were worthy victors.  She was NOT impressed by Jedward. She implied they were cheapening the whole thing.
Great times! Also, before she knew who the winner was, she made us promise that next year, we would go. So, next year in Stockholm everybody!

The amazing things I heard this weekend (AM)

Check it out, yesterday I was just going about my usual Sunday business and everywhere my ears turned they were filled with amazing new things.

Like when I was at the market waiting in line to get a borek I overheard a conversation behind me. One woman asked another where boreks are from. Now, just in case you don't know the borek shop at the market it also sells falafels and kebabs and the like. Anyway, the second woman answers 'I don't know, maybe Russia.' And the first woman says 'Oh, yeah that could be right.' It would make sense, you know, being sold in the same shop as the famous Russian falafel.

But seriously folks, do you know what else I heard yesterday? While listening to Dirty Deeds on RRR I learned that there is an allowable insect contaminant level in food. That is, for example, when weevils get in your flour it's because you bought them together. And it is totally legal. Now I understand that perhaps this is necessary and safe, but gee, I really wish I didn't know that.

Turns out that the Australian government are not as forthcoming as the US on these rules so I can't tell you the details but I can tell you it's true (according to the insect expert on the radio) and I can tell you that, according to Wikipedia, in the US there are 'acceptable levels of food contamination from sources such as maggots, thrips, insect fragments, "foreign matter", mold, rodent hairs, and insect and mammalian faeces.' What the eff is foreign matter?! Aren't maggots, thrips, insect fragments, mold and faeces foreign enough?!? If Monday morning isn't upsetting you enough already I encourage you to read about these contamination rules.

But finally guys, the thing that really got me excited was hearing about the Thermomix demonstration that Primadonna went to on Friday night. Holy moley!

Now before yesterday all I knew about these things was that: a) they are expensive; b) they do everything; and c) people love them. No freaking wonder! Do you know what they do? EVERYTHING! Apparently at the demonstration Prima had the best sorbet she'd ever eaten. Sugar free and with frozen oranges as the only freezing agent. Thermomix made risotto, made a salad, made a custard. That little son of a bitch did it all! At its fastest the blades go at the speed of a jet! WHAT?!? I wasn't even at the demonstration and by the end of hearing about it I was ready to drop $2000 and change careers  to become a Thermomix consultant.

I don't want to give to much away but STAY TUNED FOR AN ACCOUNT OF THE THERMOMIX DEMONSTRATION I FULLY INTEND TO ATTEND!!!!

Hunk of the Month Club: Casey Affleck

If you dropped by Miss Soft Crab yesterday, you'll know that it's time to once again sing a song of praise to a hunk - this time a very special hunk that first came to the attention of Miss Soft Crab in 1995 through the film To Die For.

Personally, when I saw To Die For many many moons ago, I was struck by a few things.

First, Nicole Kidman can be really really great, and its such a relief when she is because I guess some part of me wants to like her.

Second, Joaqs is a stone cold fox, and really really awesome in this movie.

Third, Ileana Douglas is also really great in this movie, and she should work more. (Remind me to tell you all about the awesome movie Grace of my Heart  some time. I effing love that movie. It's basically a melodrama with heaps of singing in it, but is not a musical. And everyone is in it!  John Tuturro. Eric Stoltz. Matt Dillon. Chris Isaak. J Mascis. Everyone! And Ileana Douglas is awesome in it.

Fourth, and most importantly, who is Casey Affleck?

People, this is Casey Affleck.

Come for Joaqs, stay for Casey

Despite being a nobody and despite playing a minor character in a film with all these awesome people, he is the most compelling of them all and from then on, MSC has had trouble taking all four of our eyes off him.

So Mate, tell me, why is Casey Affleck so rad?

J: Why is Casey Affleck so rad? That is a great question! A really great one. Almost as good as why you love the movie Grace of My Heart so much but I guess we will leave that for another day.

It is pretty mindbending that such a minor and creepy character as Casey's in To Die For could capture our imaginations the way he did. The thing about Casey is that he is kind of handsome and kind of not. Kind of creepy and kind of not. It's like his awesomeness is balancing on a knife's edge and you just need to see more to figure out  what the hell is going on under all of that.
  

Period hunk.

K: It's so true. When hotness has shades of not-hotness, the overall impression is so much hotter than if the dude was just straight up hot. Also, Casey doesn't play the hot card and he doesn't really play leading men. It's like he's just there doing his thing and being hot is the furtherest thing from his mind. And that's hot.

J: Yes! Casey never plays the hot card! And it's just about the hottest thing a person can do! Back to his complexity for a sec, it's also that he has this kind of vulnerabilty but also a likely arsehole streak. So hot complex!

So I guess it was around the time of To Die For or possibly Good Will Hunting that we used to watch the movie Race the Sun all the time. I'd like to think that's because it was conveniently being played on your Foxtel all the time rather than because we sought it out. Right? Right! Have you seen the poster for that lately?

To think Casey could be attractive in that! Well it really his testimony to his genius and atractiveness.

K: Oh geez, I can't believe that such a great film (to watch when you're a bored teenager and you'll pretty much watch anything that is on) could have such a shit poster.

Further to your comments about Casey's genius and attractiveness, I just went to IMDB to have a look at his back catalogue and realised that I have not seen a whole bunch of his films, yet he looms large in my mind as a hunk. Genius and attractiveness!

I also discovered that he is going to be in some movie with Christian Bale and Sam Shepherd. Schwing!

J: Casey Affleck and Christian Bale?! Schwing! Schwing! Two of Hollywood's creepiest hunks together at last!  I can't wait for Out of the Furnace. To be fair though Bale beats Casey in the creep stakes. Yes he does.

Come on you guys, just one.

Anyway, did you know that Casey is more than just an almost pretty face and captivating screen prescence? According to Wikipedia he studied physics, astronomy, and Western philosophy at Columbia!

K: Bale beats everyone in the hunky creep stakes. He is the Phar Lap of hunky creeps. But Casey is a very competitive challenger.

And Casey, way to go on all that study, you clever hunk. A creepy hunk with a huge, huge brain? Hot.

And way to go on marrying Joaqs' sister, and producing babies that will potentially combine your hunky creepiness with the hunky vulnerability/volatility expressed so well on the Phoenix line.
#dynastiescanbesohot

J: Yeah, the Phoenix/Affleck combo is so natural. Joaqs has a bit of the creepy too. And Casey has a twist of vulnerability. There would be plenty of overlap in the Venn diagram of their hotness. Still, Casey is not the father of Joaqs' kids.

I guess we can't talk about Casey without acknowldging that his brother Ben is more famous and, weirdly, more widely considered the hunk. Is he? Is Ben Affleck considered a hunk still? Who knows. And who cares. There is only one Affleck for me.

K: And me.

But it's fine if Casey wants to hang out with his hit friends, right?

Mighty hunk triumvirate

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Haiku inspired by mythical beasts. Don't ask me why. Take it up with the muse.

Trolls

You poor little guys. 

Guarding bridges all day long. 

Who looks out for Trolls?

Unicorns

 They think they're so good. 

I'll take a Shetland Pony

Any day, thank you. 

What a poser

Phoenixes

Feathery fire bugs.

Tears that can mend broken bones.  

You guys. You're the ones. 

I love you Fawkes. You are, hands down, my favourite Harry Potter character.   

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Sisyphus
I feel you, brother 
Dishes, washing, vacuuming
It's just like your rock


For David

Human flew at me

Sore nose, bloody snot, sinus 

Pain. Coincidence?

Hunk of the Month Club
That time of the month
Tomorrow it's back again 
A strange, special hunk

Don't bullshit me Smiths (PM)

Oh, mate...Yeah, I'm smirking, of course I am. Extra crunchy chips?! 

I'll tell you something. The first thing I thought when I saw the ad for Smith's new 'Extra Crunchy Chips', the very first thing i thought was 'Oh please' (or if Baby or censors aren't in ear shot, 'Fuck off').

You know I used to work as an assistant for a market researcher who conducted those group interviews to understand consumers, so I've spent a lot of time listening to how companies think they can make new products that there is neither a need nor desire for. Until people are told they want that thing. Did you know that Kraft have a product out there called 'Whipped Peanut Butter'?! WHIPPED PEANUT BUTTER!!! (Yeah, I kind of want to try it, of course I do.) WTF?! Who comes up with this shit?!

Extra crunchy chips? Oh please! When have you ever eaten a fresh chip and thought 'this would be better if it were crunchier'? Never! You have never thought that. You've thought 'I wish this was more potatoey', 'I wish this was more salty/tangy/yummy' but only when you have eaten a soggy or stale chip have you thought 'I wish this werer more crunchy'. I know the kettle variety of chips are both delicious and more crunchy, but really what can more crunch give a chip? Nothing! NOTHING!!!

God I would kill for some chips right now.

Don't bullshit me Smiths (AM)

You know what I like? Chips.

You know what I don't like? Being bullshitted.

When a chip company makes a claim like they have produced an extra crunchy chip, I get excited.
Sure, lack of crunch has never impeded my chip eating experience,  but that doesn't mean extra crunch can't make it better, so when I saw Extra Crunchy chips at the store, I bought those babies without a second thought.

I'm sure you've all seen the ads. No? Don't worry, here's a rundown  which pretty much goes through the whole ad, in case the name 'Extra Crunchy Chips' doesn't tell you enough about what we're dealing with here.

From the first bite, I knew I had made a terrible mistake.

I don't know what I was expecting. The most delicious chip maybe? I can not tell a lie. I was pretty much totally expecting that these chips would be the most delicious chips ever - the greatest chip innovation since kettle chips - and they would make all the other snacks taste like tan bark. Why I thought this I can not say. Because I am a hopeless snack romantic? Probably.
Instead of being the most delicious chip, they are just a regular chip, maybe a little less salt than other chips which is a regression, not an improvement. They are not a chip innovation - they are bullshit! They taste like pure disappointment.
I tried three of the flavours and each was more disappointing than the last. I still have to try the chilli flavour, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'm such a fool to believe they have anything I need.

As I write this, I can totally picture J smirking as she is reading it. She will be smirking and shaking her head at my folly because she would never get caught up in that stupid chip dream factory. She would never ever believe that Extra Crunchy chips could be a thing. She is way too practical for that. And she's right. She's always been the sensible one. So its over to you mate. Tell us what you think of this Extra Crunchy malarkey. Tell us what I should have known all along.

Hairdressers say the darndest things! (PM)

When I'm in the mood for it, the dumb shit people say to their hairdressers is one of my favourite things about going to the hairdresser. Head massages, getting to look at magazines and the fact that I have nice hair once I'm finished being the others. But mistaking Gonzo for gonzo? That takes the mother flipping cake. Sounds like you hit the jackpot, Mate.

Speaking of dumb shit people say whilst getting their groom on, someone said an amusing thing to me at the beauty parlour the other day. Now there's a sentence I never thought I would write. Can you believe I have a beauty parlour now? I know, it shocks me too. But it turns out that as my youth fades, my ability to look halfway decent without doing anything is also fading. I'm not talking about looking "good", mind you, just halfway decent. But even though this need has emerged, I still find the whole beauty parlour environment very disconcerting. The fact that everyone is there for beauty therapies of some kind. The heavily made up faces and fake enthusiasm of the staff which is, speaking as someone who is quite partial to a little enthusiasm, far too much to bear. The fumes in the air. Why are there fumes in the air? Where do they come from? It's worrying.

Anyway, the place I go to is in the city, and much like the Windsor hairdresser J referred to, it's really quite fancy. It has high ceilings and black lacquered furniture and pale pink cushions and things that I think are meant to make it look like Grace Kelly's dressing room or something. The women who work there are perfectly groomed, kind of like air hostesses on an airline where everyone is young and pretty (i.e. not United - have you seen those people? Yikes). Happily, most of the women who work there are lovely and perfectly normal so I don't feel too weird about it when I go.

But there is this one girl.
She is kind of a caricature of a girl who works at a beauty parlour. She looks like a brunette version of this:

Botox and collagen included. She works behind the front desk, so when people arrive for their appointments and then pay at the end, she is the lady we all interact with.  Frankly, it's hard not to stare, but in her defence, she has always seemed nice and friendly enough. Just a little misguided maybe. But perfectly nice.
Anyway, the other day as I went to pay, she seemed kind of distracted and a little frazzled. She was staring at her computer screen and it seemed like she was trying to do something that from the look on her face, was not working.  I waited for a sec and then sheepishly said "I just want to pay for my things", to which she replied "Of course, OMG you look so pretty!" all the while continuing to look at her computer screen, thereby having no idea whether I looked goddamn pretty at all! I guess she just figured that that's what every girl wants to hear on the way out of the beauty parlour.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Poor girl.

Hairdressers say the darndest things! (AM)

So, I go to a hairdresser in Windsor. It is in this big ol' terrace with real fancy, excessive decor  like something out of Vogue Living and a clientele that I think largely head south from their South Yarra homes for something a little 'edgy'. Or something. But they give good head hair cuts, so I go there. Plus, the shit that comes out of people's mouths there! Gold!

For example, last week while I was waiting for my haircut a woman of about 40 came in. She was attractive enough in that way rich women are and clearly very regular at that salon. She was just wearing pants and boots and some sort of shirt and sweater combo but you could tell everything was expensive. She kind of looked like this:

 

She was talking to her hairdresser, the salon owner, and he was trying to convince her she should cut her hair off and go with a long bob. The conversation went like this:

Hairdresser: Yeah, we'll cut it off around your decolletage for something a little more funky. Are you bored with your hair? I can see you're bored with it! I'm bored with it!

Aniston wannabe: How short will it be? Not a bob, right?

Hairdresser: No just to here. It's such a great look, very sexy and flattering.

Wannabe: Really?

Hairdresser: YEAH! It's fun! Just look at Alexa Chung.

ALEXA CHUNG! Who would be 15 years younger than that woman and is a model! And looks like this:

Yes, fairly attractive South Yarra woman with nothing better to do than get haircuts on a Thursday morning, a haircut will make you look like this!

Sheesh. That was good, but not as good as what happened when I sat down for my haircut and the dude in the next chair was discussing his views on journalism so loudly there was no way I could have tuned it out.

"The...ahh...whaddyacallit? Not The Onion... the ahh...Huffington Post!  It presents itself as so cutting edge and liberal but it just steals snippets from The New York Times. Now the New York Times has some good articles and journalists. You know it still has some gonzo journalists."

Really guy?

Well, at this point it became clear client and hairdresser were not really on the same page.

Hairdresser: Did you say Gonzo?

Client:  Yeah.

Hairdresser: He was my favourite character on The Muppets!

Oh dear.

 At this point even the idiot in the chair realised he'd lost the hairdresser and I think he was a little speechless so the hairdresser went on... The weird thing was that the hairdresser and client seemd to have some sort of friendship outside the salon and Client knew Hairdresser's brother.

Hairdresser: My brother used to be nicknamed after one of the Sesame Street characters. Guess which one! It was based on his appearance.

Client: Um... Big Bird?

Hairdresser: No Beaker!

Client: HAHA! I was close though!

NO YOU FUCKING WEREN'T!!!!

I think I have something in my eye (PM)

Mate, your mother truly is the most adorable lady in the world. Not to disrespect my own mother who, along with my dad,  truly did me a solid this weekend by driving all the way to Bacchus Marsh and even staying in the freezing cold, blue carpeted Bacchus Marsh Budget Motel just so they could look after Baby allowing me to fully enjoy Blizzie’s beautiful wedding unfettered and not having to look for Baby in the bush all day.

Still, the only thing I’ve got in my eye today is sleep. I’m so tired. Do you know what it is like to have to party on with a bunch of wonderful people, eat delicious food and dance to some great tunes for 12 hours? Well it is great. And so tiring. And that was Saturday. Yesterday all I did was eat and watch TV and still I feel tired. Perhaps it is because I had to do all that in the messy house I left on Friday.

Plus I had this awesome idea to eat a hot, hot burrito for lunch with the idea that the chilli hit would be a wonderful pick-me-up. But check out the size of this thing:

Turns out that eating a giant burrito has just made me even tirederzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I think I have something in my eye (AM)

Mondays. They just keep rolling around, don't they? 

And faster every time, if you ask me. 

Apparently it is the coldest morning of the year so far. One of them's got to be, I suppose. 

This post comes to you from my kitchen table, where I have the heater on and a hot cup of coffee by my side. Well, kind of. Nescafe Blend 43. I ran out of home brew and developed something of a taste for Nescafe whilst at the Bacchus Marsh Motel for the Blizzie wedding on the weekend. No, Blizzie didn't get married at the Bacchus Marsh Motel. We just stayed there is all. Blizzie got married in a beautiful ceremony in a beautiful place where everyone looked beautiful and said such beautiful things that I had something in my eye pretty much all day. Anyway,  normally, I would be on my way to work by now. Or maybe watering the plants on the balcony. Today, I am intentionally dawdling by writing this and drinking Nescafe Blend 43 at my kitchen table. Why am I doing this? I'm glad you asked readers. 

See that picture at the top of this post? It's the first thing I saw when I returned home from the Marsh yesterday. When I headed off on Friday, I left my house in a diabolical state. Dishes in the sink. Stuff strewn everywhere. Bits of cotton and fabric all over the shop. It was totally gross. But as you know, it was a mega busy week, and I didn't have time to clean. You people who manage to keep your houses clean all the time: who are you people? You people are wizards. Anyway, I am not one of these people, as my Mother well knows because she is, and it bewilders her that someone so clean could produce someone so scruffy. 

So when I arrived home yesterday morning - tired, hungover and dreading the terrible state of my house  - and found this on my table, well. You can imagine my mother flipping delight.

The note reads:

Hi K* 

I thought it might brighten you up if you came back to a tidy living room. 

Hope you don't mind.

Love,

The Cleaning Lady and her two 4 legged helpers

XXX

PS: Hate this pen!!

I didn't do your bedroom and bathroom as I thought you might think it a "bit intrusive". 

The house was spotless of course. Mum had used the spare set of keys I gave her (in case I ever lock myself out) to come over with the dogs and clean my house. Just because she knew that when I am tired and hungover I have a propensity to gaze out the window and mournfully hum Rainy Days and Mondays, and because everyone knows a clean house makes you feel better, she thought she would do me a solid and clean it up for me. Just because. 

Hands down, the nicest lady in the world, and she's my mother! Unbelievable. 

Boy do I have something in my eye right now. 

Lets have a wonderful weekend! (PM)

Hahaha, oh  J, you sure do love that Elmo on the moon youtube. And why not?  Elmo has some rad moon moves. Smooth and mellow, just what a lady needs at the end of such a busy week. And Snoop! Just what a lady needs. End of sentence.
But now it's Friday afternoon, the home stretch of this crazy busy week, and I'm somewhere between
feeling crazy tired and crazy excited, which is a lot of crazy guys, a feeling that they have a word for and that word is hysteria . I feel hysterical. And now, after bashing out the word crazy this many times I can think of only one song to close the week with.  Crazy by Patsy Cline.
Just jokes.
While I do love that song, I think it's a little too mellow for a Friday afternoon. So lets get Beyonce to drive this baby home. All my ladies if you feel me:

See you next week, Crab fans!

Let's have a wonderful weekend! (AM)

Remember how on Monday I told you what an awesome week I was going to have?

Well I have had a pretty great week, and I want to tell you about it. But there is too much to say.

Like I want to tell you about how Prince really was the best. THE BEST! But I need more time, I mean, shit you guys, did you see all the stuff I had on this week, I can't give Prince the time he deserves right now.

And I would like to tell you about the delicious meal I had last Saturday at Sunnybrae in Birregurra. A delightful restaurant with surrounds that look like this:

 

And food like this rhubarb and apple souffle with mandarin sorbet, which, like an idiot, I did not order.

Idiot!

And a cute dog that tried to hitch a ride back to Melbourne with us:

And, I really want to tell you how I saw a new hairdresser this week and, you guys, I think he may be the one! I know, I am really excited.

But, if I've learned anything by watching Risky Business a bunch of times, it's that sometimes you've just gotta say what the fuck. Sure, I'll tell you about Prince one day and my new hairdresser. But not today. Today I do what I want. But don't think I'm not thinking about you guys too!

Let's have a wonderful weekend!!!

And if that don't do it for you this should:

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Autumn
Sorry, autumn, that
I said winter usurped you
You're here and rad

Winter's snot
Winter's snot is my
Constant companion these months.
Better off alone

Prince
I could not describe
With a thousand syllables
The radness I saw

Haiku Thursday (AM)

A wedding haiku for Blizzie

Sunshine all the days

And a bright moon all the nights

Of your wedded lives. 

A birthday haiku for J

Another year nailed. 

Like it really ain't no thang.

Way to go Matey. 

By George, I thought I had it (PM)

Look Mate, your hair is awesome and  every second you spend disliking it is a wasted second. And you know what wasted seconds add up to? Minutes, Mate, Minutes. If you let this shit get out of hand, you are damned well going to waste minutes, THATS RIGHT, MINUTES of your life hating hair that in fact, everyone else loves. But yes, a wash and a blowdry really does help one feel good about one's hair. Or in my case, washing/drying my fringe, not even my whole head, makes me feel much better about things, indeed, like I'm the only girl in the world (as Rihanna would say).

That reminds me. Have you ever used dry shampoo? This lady uses it and she thinks its great. I don't know this lady, but she seems to know a thing or two about a thing or two (well, beauty products and make up and the like). As a very lazy person, dry shampoo seems ripe with potential for me. I'm going to try it some time. I'll tell you guys all about it if you like.

By George, I thought I had it (AM)

You know on the whole, I kind of hate my hair. Every now and again I like it, and then I hate it again. Then I wash and dry it and I kind of like it again. On the bad days I fixate on getting a cut and colour, and while I do get cuts and that often helps a lot, it kind of is amazing how far a wash and blow dry will take it. And I am beginning to think that in a way this is like a metaphor for so many of my First World problems.

Recently I actually booked myself in to colour my hair, which I haven't done in many years, nowadays I go au naturel, but I just got obsessed. Anyways I was broke and nervous about starting the dye cycle so I just got my eyebrows tinted instead. I cannot recommend this highly enough. If you are anything like me you will look really pretty after it and it's about a fifth of the price of having your hair coloured.

Need new clothes? Do some washing! You wouldn't believe how often that alleviates my wardrobe woes! If that is not enough see if your mum has any clothes from the eighties that are cool again!

Check out this jumper I scored on the weekend:

SCORE!

This is pretty much my fall back plan whenever I want new stuff but don't want to buy anything. And I was pretty sure that my Mum's old shoe collection would yield some shoes for me to wear to Blizzie's wedding on the weekend. And it did.

This would be the perfect shoe to wear to the with my dress:

And this, although it looks boring, is actually a very comfortable and surprisingly fitting alternative:

Sweet.

Except for some reason only these shoes can be found. That is only that single purple shoe and that single brown shoe seem to exist. Their buddies are missing. On the up side that purple shoe is a lefty and the brown one is a righty so they do make a pair. On the  down side I'm not going to wear odd shoes to a wedding.* I don't want to look like a fucken' idiot.


*In fact it is highly unlikely I would wear odd shoes anywhere ever. This is not a weddings-only rule.

Dogs of my dreams (PM)

I have also spent a lot of time in my life looking at dogs on the internet. Not 'cause I was looking for one, just because they are adorable.

When LB and I lived in Japan, in a time before smart phones, we would have to wait months for pictures and videos of Doggy to come from back home. Eventually LB's soon-to-be brother-in-law, B2, sent us a video of Doggy frolicking through the park set to Pearl Jam. Sadly I don't know where that video is anymore, and weirdly there is nothing that even comes close on YouTube.

Anyway during those months of waiting we had to make do looking at pictures of Irish setters on the interweb. We felt kind of dirty actually, just looking at Irish setter websites for hours on end.

Anyway enough of my seedy past. Now I sometimes look dogs up because I want to see cute things or because I want to convince K to get a dog. Like yesterday when I sent her a bunch of pictures of Italian greyhounds looking super cute:

CAN YOU EFFING BELIEVE HOW CUTE THIS IS?!?!

And that was before I even knew about the fact that "the young dog is often particularly active, and this high level of activity may lead them to attempt ill-advised feats of athleticism that can result in injury."

My mission here is clear. I will not rest until K owns one of these adorable little guys!

Dogs of my dreams (AM)

I spend a lot of time thinking about getting a dog. I would love a dog so damned much.
The problem is, I live in the tiniest flat in the world, and am away from it for the majority of each day.These are not good conditions for a little doggy.
Still, I long for one.

Sometimes, I go looking around the internet for dogs that need a new home. Other times, I do google searches such as "dog breeds that are OK with living in a small flat, and being alone for most of the day".If I see a cute dog being taken for a walk around my neighbourhood, I rush home to research that breed's attributes and aptitude for small flat living. I actually spend a lot of time researching dogs on the internet. This is how I know that there is a lot of extremely charming writing about dogs and their little doggy personalities on the internet, and to this I have lost hours of my life. I can't help it! When you don't have a dog, you read about dogs a lot and then imagine what your life would be like if you had one.

Check out something I read recently, about the Italian Greyhound:

 

"The young dog is often particularly active, and this high level of activity may lead them to attempt ill-advised feats of athleticism that can result in injury."

Ill-advised feats of athleticism! That sounds so cute! And of course it made me wonder what such feats could be. Perhaps playing rough with a St Bernard? Running a little doggy marathon? Whatever it is, it sounds pretty adorable, though I imagine the person who wrote that probably had to spend a lot of money at the vet some time after such an occasion and that is uncool. No vet bills when you just read about dogs on the internet though!

 

Wanna know something about the Hungarian Vizsla? Ok, know this:

"They quickly form close bonds with their owners, including children. Often they are referred to as 'velcro' dogs because of their loyalty and affection. They are quiet dogs, only barking if necessary or provoked. Sometimes when these dogs feel neglected or want something, they will cry."

 

Close bonds? Loyalty and affection? Crying when they feel neglected? Get out of town with those super super cute attributes, Hungarian Vizslas! This breed actually gets researched a lot in this household, mostly because there is an HV that gets taken for walks in my neighbourhood and despite the goofy gait of the one pictured above, it is the most beautiful elegant little doggy. 

You can bet I got pretty excited when I read this about the Boston Terrier:

"Their usually sensible attitude towards barking makes them excellent choices for apartment dwellers."

 

Nothing about that little guy on the right makes me think that s/he has a sensible approach to anything but nevertheless you guys, the BT is an excellent choice for apartment dwellers which is exactly what I am!

Poodles are my first doggy love, because I grew up with them. First we had Biff, then Wilbur, and now my parents have Alby and Ned. Just because I  have lived with several, doesn't mean I don't want to read about them on the internet sometimes, which is how I discovered this: 

"All of the Poodle's ancestors were acknowledged to be good swimmers, although one member of the family, the truffle dog (which may have been of Toy or Miniature size), it is said, never went near the water."

Cute!

I wish I could close this post by telling you guys that after all this research I have decided to get a dog but goddamn it, I just can't. Home alone all day guys. In a tiny apartment. 

That would make anyone cry. 

Maybe I should move!