Haiku Thursday - Hiatus edition

I think Christmas eats

Have stretched my tummy too far

And so, me want food.

Oh, hi guys! Hey, Miss Soft Crab is on hiatus until January 23rd. But don't worry, there are 343 posts here that you can read if you are missing your Crabs.

Here are a some of my favourite ol' posts (in chronological order) randomly selected by my brain:

The best thing about most things

It's called a fucking eggplant

How much is enough?

Things that blow my mind: Nose jobs (PM)

2011 - The year that was

It's Miss Soft Crab's final post for the year! Or is it??!! Look, it pretty much is. It is definitely Miss Soft Crab's last substantial post for the year. And naturally, we are feeling a little reflective. To mark the occasion, we decided we would abandon our usual AM/PM format and look back over the year, Miss Soft Crab chat style.


K: So 2011.The year that was.

J:  What did you think?

K:  Well, it was a pretty nice year really. But over all too soon.

J:  Or over at just the right time? Who can say? I liked how Miss Soft Crab was born.

K:  Oh, that was the best. But I guess I just feel like I  feel when I watch an hour long episode of a TV show on DVD. It should go for an hour, but in reality it's just 40 minutes. It feels like this year went real fast, like TV shows on DVD do. But I love that MSC was born.

J:  Oh, yeah I hate the way hour long shows only go for 40 mins on DVD. Do you think you feel that way because Miss Soft Crab feels like it should be a year old but is only 9 months?

K:  Oh no. I just feel like it was only yesterday we came in to the city on Christmas eve so we could buy lipsticks for one another for Christmas. Don't you?

J:  Oh yeah. And ate dumplings at the Oriental Tea House. Man, what a good one.

K:  Yes!

J:  What was your highlight for this year?

K:  It's been a sweet year. Mexico and NYC were awesome. MSC is awesome. I really love that $60 dress I bought from the Alpha 60 sale. What about you mate?

J:  Oh yeah! I loved San Fran and NYC! I loved the birth of MSC! I loved TOYS and dinner at the Estelle. I loved Baby learning to walk and talk.

K:  Baby. Being born in 2010 was great, but being so cute in 2011 was even better.

J:  Ha! You said it. Or something. They were both awesome. What was your low light of the year?

K:  Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I watched it on DVD last night and it sucked so hard!

J:  Oh really? I didn't see it but I heard it was good. I don't care. I am going to see it.

K:  It's basically about a chimpanzee cult leader who doesn't know a good thing when he's on to it (Franco). What was your low light?

J:  Um, sounds awesome. So I guess my low lights were that haircut I got from my ex-hairdresser and Battle Los Angeles and um I can't really think of anything else.

K:  #charmedlife. Hey, hash tags were a highlight of 2011

J:  #yousaidit. And realising what we had been missing out on before joining Twitter was a low light. Did anyone other than Osama and Kim Jong Il die that we should commemorate?

K: Whoa, great question. Lets see. Amy Winehouse! Jobsy! 

J: Oh shit. I should have remembered those. They were defo sad. RIP guys. You both did some awesome stuff.

K:  Totally. RIP, awesome friends.

J:  I'm sad you died. Especially Amy. No disrespect Jobsy. 

K:  ***None taken, J ********** Is what I imagine Jobsy would say if he spoke to you through the computer. 

J: Hey, seeing Die Antword and  MIA were also highlights

K:  Totally. Die effing Antword.

J:  Yeah. Such good ones.

K:  So, I think we just need to say that really, it's been a pretty nice year for us, and I hope it's been a nice year for the Crab community too.

J:  Yeah. Yeah! it has been a nice year for us. And hopefully for everyone. I hope next year is a totally awesome one for everyone too!

K:  Inshallah. Right now, I just want Jack and Colleen to sing Merry Christmas!

 

Haiku Thursday: Christmas Edition (PM)

Christmas Brain

I

One of us is still 

On game. It's not me though, not

My brain. It's checked out.

II

I'd love to dazzle  

You one last time with haiku

In this year, but no. 

Haiku Thursday: Christmas Edition (AM)

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a few Christmas food themed Haiku, right?
Yeah!

Ode to an Oyster

I

Little grey shelled friend

Crazy was the man or beast

Who first tasted you.

II

But the joke's on us

'Cause you make all the other 

Things taste like boring.

III

Seriously, though

You taste so fine. Like making

out with Posiedon. 

IV

I'm going to eat 

You and so many of your

Friends this Christmas. Soz. 

Gingerbread

I

A little bit bread

A little bit ginger, with 

A fully sick taste.

II

I would trade all the

Loaves and all the fishes for

One sweet taste of you.

 

 

The Christmas list (PM)

I don't even want to talk about Love Actually, I hate it so much. I watch it only as long as I have to in order to cop a look at Liam Neeson because he is so damn fine, then I totally turn it hell off.

You know what else I hate so much? Inexperienced CBD pedestrians, messing up my purposeful walking. Get the eff out of my effing way, people. Don't you know how to walk in a central business district? Quickly and purposefully, that's how! There is no time for stopping the flow of traffic and looking both ways while you figure out where you want to go. You want to waste my time? I will waste YOU slow peds!

Sorry to be such a scrooge guys, but inexperienced peds really get me down.

Thats all.

The Christmas list (AM)

  
So it's Christmas time! And look, that lamb up there is having the best time! Mary has that 'I am kind of high and out of it because I just gave birth' face. And those three wise men, they look like they are snickering at Joseph for being a cuckold.

Well that's Christmas for those guys. But for me, here are some things I like about this time of year.

1. The smell of Christmas trees! Probably mainly because of...

2. Positive childhood associations which mean I kind of have this nice feeling inside.

3. Some holidays. Man, time off work! I love that shiz!

3. Some sunshine. On a good day.

5. Mangoes.


Yeah, all those things aren't necessarily Christmas related but they all happen at this time so to me they are related.

But with the good comes the bad.

1. Love Actually is always on television. It's always frigging on. Well at least from next year that awful looking new film called New Year's Eve will no doubt be on instead.

2. It's so freaking busy. Trying to get all your work done before going on holidays, present buying, trying to see loved ones. It's hard. And over that nice feeling of positive childhood associations is a film of stress.

3. Deceptive weather. I think it's always going to be warm with lots of sunshine but some days it's cold! Freaking cold.I've worn full body pyjamas to bed at least twice in the last week alone.

4. All the shopping makes me feel a bit sick. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it. I love it. I hate it.

5. ...

Hey, I think I only have four worst things about Christmas! I'm not so crabby after all.

An open letter to Terry Gross, postscript (or PM)

PS. Terry Gross, I pretty much agree with everything K said right here. I love listening to Fresh Air. I'm doing it right now! But you know what, I actually don't think you necessarily make all your guests lovely, but I kind of love that. Like when you interviewed Joseph Gordon-Levitt I was all ready to love that guy, 'cause, you know, I kind of love that guy. But he just seemed like a dude, a little bit nice, a little bit annoying. Like a regular dude. That's one of the best things about your show, Terry Gross, less sheen of publicity.

Also I love how you get people to really explain the stuff that they do. I have a way better understanding now of tax, olive oil, physics, all the important stuff, Terry Gross. I don't even eat meat, but after someone told me they were cooking a Christmas turkey on the weekend I could give them all the hot tips on how to cook a great turkey. Listening to so much Fresh Air in 2011 has definitely made me smarter.

Finally, Terry Gross, (and I don't want to sound like a creep but...) I love the sound of your voice. When I put my headphones on the morning on my way to the train station and I hear you say "This is Fresh Air, I'm Terry Gross." I just love it, it makes me look forward to the next 48 minutes it will take me to get to work and listen to an episode of Fresh Air.

Thanks Terry Gross.
From
J

An open letter to Terry Gross (AM)

Dear Terry Gross,

Hello there. My name is K and I write a blog called Miss Soft Crab with my friend J. Perhaps you have heard of us? Just kidding, Terry Gross, no one has ever heard of us. But not to worry, Terry Gross. All you need to know is this: J and I write a blog about things we like and things we think about and we are here to tell you that you and your radio show are what we have liked and thought about the most in 2011.

Personally, I like everything about your show, Terry Gross. I like how you always seem super interested in the people you interview. I like how you make all the people you interview seem super interesting and super lovely. Even the boring ones, like the person who wrote that book about bananas that time. You seemed very interested in that guy, and so I got kind of interested in the banana guy too. It's impossible not to, when you're listening to Fresh Air.  Listening to your show has the same effect on me that listening to one of my people telling me about something they are interested in has. I don't know about you Terry Gross, but when a person I really like tells me about something they really like, no matter how uninterested I am in that topic, I find their interest so charming that I pretty much always walk away thinking that thinking things like  'wow, I guess tropical fish ARE super awesome!'. Listening to Fresh Air is just like that.

I also like how you sometimes seem like a real fan-girl when you are talking to some people, like that time you interviewed the guy who wrote The Wire. You told him how disappointed you were that the show was ending because you really liked it and all the characters. At the end of the interview, you said to him "Thanks for The Wire" and you said it in a way that made me think you were really going to miss The Wire. I thought that was really nice. I also like it how if one of your guests says something that you think is kind of lame, you totally call them on it. Like that time you interviewed Anne Hathaway and she was talking about how she plays this ugly duckling who gets transformed in to a 'beautiful swan' in The Devil Wears Prada. You said that you think it's dumb the way movies expect us to believe that people like Anna Hathaway could be ugly ducklings. Then Anne Hathaway says something like "oh, you haven't seen me without my make up"and you, Terry Gross, well you could practically hear your eyes roll. I loved that.

I like to listen to your show when I am on the tram on the way to work. Also, when I am cooking. Sometimes when I am falling asleep. Always when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't get back to sleep. It's good at all times of the day and night, Terry Gross. Fresh Air really works, you know? Your radio show really works.

Also, finally, I love the name Fresh Air. I love a pun, and I have very positive associations with the term  Fresh Air because of Joyce, this really nice old lady who used to babysit my brothers and I when we were small. Joyce was as kind and lovely as babysitters come,  but she was not the sharpest tool in the shed. For ages and ages, after my Mum left her a note asking that she leave the back door open to let fresh air in, she thought we had a cat called Fresh Air. Nowadays, when I hear you say "This is Fresh Air, I'm Terry Gross", I give a little chuckle because it makes me think of Joyce.

Obviously I'm not the first person to tell you how awesome you and your show are. I mean, you've been doing this show for ages and ages, you know how awesome it is. And your guests often say how happy they are to talk to you. In fact, when they don't say it I think geez guy, pay your respects why don't you. But anyway Terry Gross, it's Christmas, and I just wanted to let you know that I really really love Fresh Air, and I'm really happy that you're out there, and I just wanted to say thanks.

Bye for now, Terry Gross.
Love from K

The next year (PM)

I grew my fringe out once, but because my hairline is sharp and jagged like a rocky coastline it looked really dumb and so I cut that fringe back in and I've never looked back. Except, of course, for every single day, when I look at my hair in the mirror and remember that I hate its guts and wonder whether I should grow my fringe out. But realistically, given that I've had this haircut for 15 years now, 2012 is unlikely to introduce any changes on that front.
#orwillit

Guys, I'd love to stay and chat about my hair (seriously, I would totally love to do that) but it turns out that work is really really busy at the moment and there is precious little time for the stuff that I ate, saw and thought about. I know, I'm a disappointment to myself.

I promise to think about my hair more in 2012. 

The next year (AM)

I don't make new years resolutions. Who does?! Pretty much every week I think to myself that I'm going to work out heaps or eat better and then I don't and at least I can try and rectify that next week, but if you fuck that up for a whole year that's a whole year of disappointment in yourself. And a whole year you have to wait till you can sort it out. So new years resolutions, forget that.

Still there are things that are pretty likely to happen next year. Things that if you could bank on certainty would certainly happen. And that is why I kind of love the start of a new year. It somehow gives you this sense of hope and positivity for the next 12 months that just thinking about 12 months, say from June, doesn't give you.

Like next year, God willing, my fringe is going to grow out totally for the first time in years. I know this because I am absolutely not going to cut it and it is so close to being grown out. In just a matter of months it is going to be as if my fringe never existed. Don't get me wrong, I look cute in a fringe, but I just don't want one and I am so sick of the grow out phase. Before I get to the point of total grow out I always get frustrated and cut it. But not this time. NO WAY! 

On top of that the rest of my hair is only going to keep getting longer too! YEAH!

Miss Soft Crab is going to turn 1! And on top of that we will no doubt come up with some hilarious hash tags on Twitter. And in life. This year has not been a  bad one. First, Miss Soft Crab was born. Then we discovered hash tags! I know that these are meant to be used so that people can find what you are talking about, but my god they are so much more than that! K and I have pretty much abandoned regular language in our text messages to each other and write predominantly in hash tags. So I can't wait to see what new hash tags next year brings.

Also next year a bunch of other great things will happen! There will be hilarity, no doubt at least a little dancing, some delicious food. Chances are some bad things will happen too. I'm not deluded, but let's just hear it for the new year!

What's in my bag? (PM)

This seemed like a good idea at the time, right?

It may not surprise y'all that I pretty much have the same stuff in my back that K does.

1. My wallet. Der. 

2. A bag of chocolate someone at work gave me in the name of Christmas. There were more chocolates in it when she gave it to me.

3. Emery boards because I effing hate having broken nails and nothing to file them with. Ugh, just the thought of it makes my skin crawl!

4. Miss Soft Crab notebook. Seriously, I only write down ideas for this very blog in it. It's a god damn goldmine!

5. My phone. I love that guy.

6. My iPod. Cause I am too lazy to put music on my iPhone

7. The headphones LB bought me for my birthday (Beats by Dr. Dre). Well, technically K purchased them but but they were from LB. 

8. My glasses which I rarely wear now that I don't sit in front of a computer for 40 hours a week and don't have the subsequent blurred vision when I leave the office.

9. The Travel Almanac. In case I want to read something on the train. Truth is though that I am pretty much always too busy listening to podcasts to read but after reading this morning that K reads the book in her bag (too many 'reads'?) I read an interview with Bernard Sumner. It was not that interesting and this magazine is pretty annoying.

10. Band-aids. 'Cause I keep making the mistake of thinking a particular pair of shoes are broken in. But they are totally not broken in. 

11. Make-up case to keep all my make-up/toiletries together.

12. Make-up and toiletries I am too lazy to put back in the case.

13. Tape measure.

14. Free comb from Just Cuts that I took from a share house bathroom 8 years ago and never put back.

15. More stuff to make sure I look pretty all the time.

16. A pretty fresh nappy. Usually if they have been in my bag too long they are all weirdly shaped and covered in bag crud.

17. My sunglasses. I bought them on the last day of my NYC holiday, in that time you wander around before having to go to the airport. And I love them.

What's in my bag? (AM)

Do you guys read The Hairpin? I hope you do, because it's very enjoyable. Recently they have been doing this amusing thing where they get their contributors to do a spread on what's in their handbags, like those lady mags do with celebrities, only instead of having $500 face creams like the celebrities do, they have things like band aids and bobby pins. Anyway, blah blah blah blah blah, do you guys want to know what's in my handbag right now? Ok, ok, I'll tell you.


All the things in my handbag!

 Lets go through them one by one, shall we?
1. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes. Obviously this is the book I'm reading it at the moment, not a book a keep in my bag at all times. I'm enjoying it. Who read Love Etc.? I really liked that book.
2. My iPhone. I need to get a new cover for it. It looks like it has a skin condition.
3. Nars lip gloss in the shade Turkish Delight. I basically bought this because I love rose flavoured turkish delight and all things that are rose flavoured. This gloss is not rose flavoured, and buying it was a mistake.
4. My wallet. It's breaking and I have asked santa to bring me a new one.
5. My keys. Just like yours, probably.
6. My 2012 diary, the one I was waiting for the other day. I love it very much and I like how it has a jumper.
7. My Beats by Dr Dre headphones which I bought as a present to myself when I paid off my HECS. I love those guys so much. I am wearing them right now as a matter of fact.
8. The key to my filing cabinet.
9. A mirror J bought for me ages ago.
10. A handful of pistachio shells. What can I say guys. I guess I ate some pistachios and shoved the shells in my bag one time.
11. My umbrella. No getting caught in the rain for me, readers.
12. My sunglasses.
13. Some tissues I took from a hotel room in Beechworth.
14. Musk lifesavers. I effing love these little bad boys and am in a phase of my life where I want to have the taste of musk in my mouth all the time. If you haven't had one in a while I urge you to try one.
15. Work phone.
16. Reading glasses.
17. Assorted lispticks, specifically: Heat Wave (Nars); Jungle Red (Nars); Lovelorn (MAC); Amplified Girl (MAC); See Sheer (MAC); Insolente (Chanel). For those of you who are wondering, Heat Wave is my favourite, but today I am wearing a blend of See Sheer and Insolente. 
18. Bag change. I like to keep a little change in my bag. It's very useful for those times when you don't quite have enough money in your wallet to buy a coffee. Or when you need to feed a parking meter, or buy yourself some musk lifesavers. Bag change!
19. That's my security pass to get in to work, but you can't really see it and plus, who gives a shit.

Now that I see all the things in my bag, I realise that this is actually quite boring. Sorry guys. Hopefully J has some better stuff in her bag.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

(AM Haiku here)

Vitamin D

Doc says I need you.
So get up in my business!
Yeah sun, just like that. 

Freckles 

What am I, Irish?
Get off my face, idiots!
Unbelievable.

Cherries

I think of you as
Nature's tiniest stone fruit
Cute! Now get in me. 
 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Reflections on this time of year

 

Summer's bounty

A box of mangoes

A pineapple, raspberries

I bought all that stuff

Yellow peach

Oh shit yellow peach,

Yeah you did! Sweet and juicy

In my mouth. Do that!

Christmas shopping

Christmas makes me want

to buy a million gifts

FOR MYSELF! All wrong. 

Summer

Oh, come on summer

What the eff?! Stick around some

Let the sunshine in 

A daughter "to be proud of" (PM)

MATE! Your parents are adorable! I love that they sent you that Christmas card . But the things I love most about it are:

• That there are two exes under both Mum and Dad just to clarify that each of your parents are sending their kisses. They aren't just sending a general muddle of kisses your way. You get two from each parent. 
  
• The postscript about also wishing you a happy New Year. I would assume most parents want a happy, healthy year every time, but I just really dig how your mum (and dad) want you to know they specifically wish that for you for 2012.
  

My parents are not Christmas card people. Neither am I to be honest. We are not card people generally I guess. I once apologised to my Mum for not giving her a birthday card with her present and she told me she doesn't like cards. It took a real load of all future gift giving.


I like a nice card, don't get me wrong. I love them with home drawn fluoro art or with a nice message, but I don't miss them if they aren't there. Perhaps it is because I always feel there is so much pressure to write something meaningful and witty in them that I don't like giving them and thus don't feel the need to receive them. I kind of feel about card writing the way some people feel about public speaking. Public speaking on the other hand doesn't bother me much. Um...what were we talking about again?

A daughter "to be proud of" (AM)

My Mum and Dad sent me a Christmas card yesterday.

This is what it looked like on the front:



Yikes.


This is what it said inside:



Note addition of quotation marks.

I don't know whether it's because of the Christmas fever we were talking about on Monday, or the fact that I am over tired from work, or some other reason, but this card makes me so happy I want to cry.
Mum and Dad, you may be "proud" of me, but I effing love the mother effing shi+ out of you guys.

(Sorry I said the eff word)
(You know I'm seeing you guys on Christmas Day, right?)
(Right?)

Complaint about movie titles (PM)

Ugh, contemporary movies and their bogus names are the worst.

But having said that, I can not wait to see the movie Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, because of its super compelling name of course.
Does that name have a strange power over everyone else, too?
There is an ad for it on the radio and every time I hear it I think ooh, yes of course,  Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.  I bet you are full of intrigue. I bet I will not know who to trust ! The Tinker? The Tailor? The Solider? Surely not....the SPY???!! What is a Tinker, anyway? THE INTRIGUE HAS ALREADY BEGUN!!

So that film might be the exception to the rule.

But back to Worthington. Please! Just jokes. (Not really). (Not at all actually).
I agree with everything you said about Man on a Ledge and its stupid name. But mate,  I can't help but wonder whether maybe, just maybe, the filmmakers WANT you to think that shit can not get more dangerous and hot than the hotness foreshadowed in the title. Maybe they want you to be sitting there swaddled in a cloak of smug assurance that you know exactly what's going on so they can blow your mind with something even hotter than Worthington standing on a ledge.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that if we don't see MOAL at the movies then we will have to watch this hotness bonanza on our TVs or computers instead of a giant screen,  like a couple of chumps. So think about that, mate.

Check out that pivot. Hot.

Complaint about movie titles (AM)

Because I don’t want to constantly complain about the state of modern cinema I am not even going to talk about Jack and Jill. About what a terrible state Adam Sandler’s career must be in for him not only star in,  but produce, a film in which he plays a man and his sister.

 

Surely playing two characters in a film is the begnning of the en. But, Adam Sandler, I am going to leave you alone. I’m going to leave Al Pacino alone too. Who plays himself in Jack and Jill as the guy that falls in love with Adam Sandler as a woman. (I know, right?!.) Even though Al Pacino is Al Pa-fucking-cino, I am just going to let that whole movie slide.

Instead I am going to talk about the state of movie titles. Are titles getting green-lighted in the mail room while the big wigs are out to lunch? Or have the big wigs decided that the state of film-going is what it is and it doesn’t matter a damn what a movie is called? I want answers.

Recently I saw a preview for a film called Man on a Ledge. Sam Worthington is in it. And I say yes, a resounding YES, to more Sam Worthington, but you need to do more than Man on a Ledge to get me to pay money to see that film (thank god for free downloading right?!)

 

Do you guys know what this film is about? It’s about a man. On a ledge. Yep, Sam Worthington can pretty much stand anywhere he likes and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be hot. But, geez, why don’t you keep me guessing a bit, movie guys. Like, if Worthington is going to stand on a ledge all movie maybe it would be even hotter if it was unexpected. Like if I was thinking, “Gee, Worthington is hot, I can’t wait for him to come on screen, I wonder what he will… WHOA! Is he on a ledge?! Man, that is so DANGEROUS. AND HOT!” Instead I will just be all “well I guess it will be pretty hot when Worthy gets on that ledge. Yep, there he is. Just as hot as predicted. No more or less hot. And I guess this will be as hot as it gets.”

On a tram that goes past me when I am on my way to work I see a poster for a film called We Bought a Zoo. Now I don't know anything about this film. But what I am guessing is that it is about a family that buys a zoo.

Oh, so while you were looking at that vomit-inducing movie poster I went and had a quick look at IMDB. Hey, guess what. That movie is about a guy. He buys a zoo.

To be fair that poster made me think that Scarlett Johansson played the wife, but she plays the head zoo keeper. So word up to the poster guys who know how to keep a little mystery alive.

Anticipating Christmas (PM)

I also love the anticipation of Christmas. I actually tend to enjoy Christmas day generally. I like spending time with my family and I enjoy spending time with LB’s family. But I do hate how my family gathering is overshadowed by the fact that we always have to leave earlyish to get to LB’s family gathering. I don’t like how this usually also means a long drive. And it is a total bummer that I am always super full from my family gathering but still need to eat at the next one. So I guess you are right, Real Christmas is not as good as Anticipated Christmas.

Anticipated Christmas is awesome. I always have a clean house on Real Christmas Eve, and it has that special Christmas clean feel about it. I want to watch films like Sleepless in Seattle (gross me the fuck out – I don’t know what happens to me). I like buying presents for people, even more since the introduction of KK into both families means you only have to buy a few gifts making it a pleasant not stressful experience.  

I like how the love for your friends and family increases, and how this kind of remains in the lead up to New Year’s as well. I love the love. I love how there is a certain buzz in the air.  

But then you have Christmas and the next day the sky is always grey and you feel fat and oily from all the food. So hells yeah! Let’s just anticipate the shit out of Christmas while we can.

Anticipating Christmas (AM)

The other day I had my first fruit mince pie of the season. Moments later, I had my second. During the second, it really hit me: I am so effing excited about Christmas! 

It happens like this every year. When I see the decorations go up I’m all for pete’s sake! Its November!Then I eat a mince pie or I hear a pleasing Christmas carol and bam! suddenly I am full with the milk of Christmas cheer and am totally busting for it to come because I just know it’s going to be the best day ever. I pretty much love every one and every thing overnight. If I wasn’t the kind of person who smiles at strangers normally, I would totally start when Christmas fever takes hold.  When I hang out with my people, I want to hug them so damn hard at the end of the night and maybe even let myself tear up because I love those effing guys and it’s Christmas!

Truth be told, this pre-Christmas feeling of love for the world and all its creatures is actually my favourite part about the whole thing. Real Christmas is kind of a bust compared to my imagination. Don’t get me wrong, I love the K family and look forward to eating ham and drinking beer with them on Real Christmas day. But its quite likely that my imagination of it, where the food is delicious, the conversation stimulating and amusing in equal parts and there is  much ruffling of one another's hair because we're all such a bunch of scallywags will be slightly better than the reality, which will involve one or more of the following:

• wanting to cry because I'm too full for second dinner 
• wanting to cry because when we inevitably start talking about football, I realise that Melbourne  may never ever win a grand final
• depending on how drunk I am, wanting to cry because I know I will never captain the Melbourne Football Club to a winning grand final
• wanting to punch everybody because when we start playing board games no one takes it seriously enough
• wanting to punch everybody, and then find a new family, because people are sharing their political views
• wanting to watch TV because I am bored. 

Not that these things are without charm. Even writing that list just now fills me with a pleasing sense of familiarity. But I guess that's just goes to show how nice anticipating Christmas really is. Plus, anticipating Christmas last for days and days! Real Christmas is over in a flash. Anticipate Christmas with me everybody!

Winning Combos (PM)

I once sang Under Pressure with Tickle, Pickle's brother, at karaoke. If I didn't appreciate what a winning combination Freddie and Bowie were before (which of course I did) then I certainly did after that. What a complete and utter balls up our version was. No disrespect to Tickle, he was a great, but it turns out that Bowie and Freddie have some kind of wonderful that a couple of punk kids like us could never hope to imitate.

So mate, as soon as you told me you were writing about winning combos in the AM today, I knew I was going to devote PM to tomato and basil. Possibly my all time top winning combo. Nature's too, because not only do tomato and basil taste like a miracle, they also function as companion plants, with the basil acting as an insect repellent so those plump fruity babies can ripen and get in all of our mouths. Does nature really know its shit or what?!
Anyway, I arranged a little audience with the muse last night so as to get good and inspired, by which I mean I made insalata caprese with all these fancy style heirloom tomatoes and the good buffallo mozzarella they have at that cheese shop on Elgin Street.

I forgot to take a photo of the buffalo mozzarella before I ate it.

Inspiration came alright. Effing delicious. And as I was working my way through dinner I couldn't stop thinking about all the other delicious winning combos out there. Wine and cheese. Apple and cinnamon. All these things, when put together, become something more than the sum of their parts. But I pretty much blew my own mind when I thought of the winning combo that is scones with jam and cream. Sure, I love a scone, I love some jam and believe me when I tell you that a litter of baby kittens could not love cream more than I do.  But put them together and you get the most memorable threeway of all!

But  I don't want to detract from tomato and basil. You are my gold medal winning combo, you taste like summertime and I love you.

Winning combos (AM)

You know what I love? Things that are great and then get even better when paired with another great thing. You know what I mean. Winning combinations. I'm not talking about those things you always think of together, like Joel and Ethan Cohen or salt and vinegar, I mean those things you think of as awesome in their own right but then when paired with something else awesome you think SHAZAM! Winning combo!

Here are some of my favourites combos:

Grated carrot and grated cheese. Now both of these things I love on there own and in all sorts of combinations but when you put these babies together magic happens. I am not talking about carrot and cheese any old way, I am talking about grated carrot and grated cheese. In a sandwich, in a wrap, in a taco, I don't care how you have it but when you put these grated guys together and those long thin strips start to mingle and tangle, oh yeah baby, they get together in loving harmony and it is a goddamn taste and texture sensation. I'm talking juicy, crunchy, creamy, salty, sweet. It's fucking beautiful.

You know what else I love? Blue and red together. These are two of my favourite colours. Look, I pretty much love all the colours when they are done right, but blue and red are really up there for me. Blue especially, it speaks to me. And I think all shades look good with red. Navy, pale, bright. But bright blue and bright red I love above all the combos. It is so fresh on my eyes. I effing love it.

Once I started thinking about winning combos I started seeing them everywhere. Like, I love David Bowie. Heaps. Who doesn't right? And I am digging on Queen more and more. Sure maybe it's because of this documentary that was on TV recently but maybe it's because of all those killer tracks.

I also kind of love Freddie Mercury. When else but in the olden days could a man with such a massive overbite become a super star. And when are these two powerhouses of Bowie and Queen finer than in Under Pressure.* Winning combo. My ears thank you!



*Maybe they have finer moments, I mean how good is Bowie? How do you chose a best track? But this one is such a good one.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

That fresh sheet feeling

God damn it, clean sheets,

You do it every time

Make me feel so good

Hand dryer
New Dyson Airblade 

In  my work toilets, you are 

So damn efficient

Ottolenghi

Ingredients lists

Of Ottolenghi, so long

But  so delicious

Hysteria

If hysteria is a 

Travelling womb then my womb

Is rarely at home

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Haiku impressions of my Wednesday night



Lessons Learnt
Chocolate cake lasts
If kept refrigerated.
But not for five days.

Tea
If I want a bath
But am too lazy: there's you.
 I love Oolong time.

#firstworldproblems (PM)

Don't worry mate. Some days, having it all seems really hard. A shit-hot kit. 100% of meals that blow your mind. What are we, awesome robots? We're not awesome robots. But I do have three additional months of life experience than you do, so let me pass on some advice. If you really want to blow your mind, I recommend getting back to mother flipping basics.
Here are some little tips that work for me.
1. If I really don't know what the eff to wear, I just wear the nicest thing in my wardrobe. Or my red gingham shirt. Both are 100% success stories 100% of the time.
2. If I really don't know what to the eff to have for dinner, I just cook eggs. Do you know how easy it is to delishify an egg? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. The other night I had a deconstructed omelette.  I soft boiled some eggs then made a side of fried mushroom, chilli, spring onion and garlic, dressed with black vinegar, ginger and sesame oil, then sprinkled with toasted black sesame seeds. Effing delicious. Some nights I have straight up soft boiled eggs with toast soldiers and whatever chilli chutney Biggie Little has just made.
Simple as that matey.
Mind  =  Blown.
Effort = Minimal.
#justthewayilikeit

#firstworldproblems (AM)

A lot of the time I like to think about what I am going to eat throughout the day. Oftentimes even before breakfast I am thinking of what I am going to have for dinner. But some days, man, some days I just got nothing. I mean every day I eat a minimum of three meals. Every day I have to think of what I am going to eat for breakfast. Then lunch. Then dinner! Don't you ever get sick of it?
 
Same goes for dressing. I mean, a whole outfit every single day! Shit, sometimes I just can't be bothered.

And as someone who loves both food and clothes its hard, you know. It's hard to admit that sometimes my brain feels like a dried up husk when it comes to these things.

You think I don't know that I live in a privileged society where I have these things to complain about?! I know I do. That is why I want to get it right every time. I don't want to waste these opportunities to blow the mind out of my mouth. I don't want to not have a great kit, because frankly I don't think there is an excuse. You know?!

The other day as I was getting ready for work I said to LB, "What should I wear to work today?"He said, "Jeans and a shirt, like usual." Is this what I have become? For shame!

A couple of weeks ago I really started to feel the sting of this food-wise too. So I started really going into cookbooks, trying new things, putting in extra effort. It actually worked out great. Every night I was making these delicious new things. Every night I pretty much fucking nailed dinner. But it's like that could never last. I was living a lie. I can't go on like that forever! Cookbook meals day in and day out! Inventing things like fresh nachos! I'm just one person, people! What the eff am I going to make for dinner tonight?!

2012 (PM)

Isn't the 21st century the best! 


To be fair I have only lived in one other century and it was pretty good too. In fact in that century I didn't order things off the internet then sit by my door on the internet tracking a things' whereabouts and waiting for its arrival.  I used to leave the house to buy things, go for walks and when I couldn't get things I made peace with it. Not now. I want all the stuff now, because I know I can have it.

As for 2012, I have no idea how that will go. I guess I will probably buy some more stuff. Not a diary though because: i) I don't have enough engagements to justify one; and ii) I don't have any idea what is going to happen in 2012 and I like it that way and maybe having a diary will change that . 

2012 (AM)

Sample only, not actual diary I bought

The other day I bought a 2012 diary from this website. Here is a list of all the things I thought immediately after I bought it.

• Awesome. Now I have a 2012 diary, everything is going to be great. 
• I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I'm pretty sure 2012 is going to be the best year ever. 
• I am going to be so organised because I will have this new diary, which I just bought online.
• How great is buying shit online? 
• Really great, that's how great. So efficient. Just like I'm going to be when I get my new diary.  
• I honestly can't wait to fill that diary with all the great things I am going to do in 2012. 
• Yeah, that's right. New great diary = new great things to do.
• I might even start calling 2012 twenty twelve, instead of two thousand and twelve. 
• I just think it's where I am at in my life.

Yestesterday, I got an email telling me that my diary had been dispatched. It included a tracking number so I could track my diary's passage to me. Here is a list of all the things I thought when I got the email.

• Oh man, if there is one thing better than buying stuff online, it's tracking the stuff you have bought online! 
•  Lets here it for the 21st century! Best century yet.

*clicks on link*

• What the....
• What do you mean No information about this item?
• You'd better have my item, Australia Post!

*clicks link again*

•  Oh geez, get it together Australia Post.  How long does it take to update a system? It's been three minutes!

*clicks link again, three or four times*

• This is a bunch of BS!

 ***time lapse of several hours***

*clicks on link again*

• Oh, score! 
• There it is!
• It's been Manifested!
• Manifested?
• WTF?
• WTF is Manifested? 
• Why can't it just tell me where it is! Like, exactly where it is. In a truck, on a shelf somewhere - I don't care, just tell me!
• Where is it?
• Where is it! 
• Where is it! 
• Where is it!
• Where is it!
• Where is it!
• Where is it!
• Where is it?
• ....
• .....
• ..........
• .............

 I'm not proud of any of this, and I really hope it isn't a portent of how 2012 is going to go. The highs and lows! Sheesh.  I really do think having the diary will help though. And perhaps it will be in my mitts by they time you guys are reading this.

Things that blow my mind: Nose jobs (PM)

Yeah, get a real nose Jennifer Grey. You were really cute back in the day. All the success you were ever going to have, you had with your old nose. It did right by you, lady. Dirty Dancing AND Ferris Buellers Day Off. You were in the shit out of both those movies. You think that's an easy thing to pull off? It's not easy. But you pulled it off! And then yet you let your hang ups take over and convince you to hack away at your own face.

You disappoint me so much Jennifer Grey. Don't you know how much we all wanted to be you (kind of)?
Don't you know how lucky you were to have gone on holiday to Kellermans? All those activities! All those hunks! All that losing of virginity! You know where we used to go on family holidays, Jennifer Grey? Echuca. Once we went to Merimbula. Another time we went to Lake Eildon. You know how many people lose their virginity at Lake Eildon? Probably heaps actually. But not me, Jennifer Grey, not me. I was too busy scrounging around the car to find loose change so I could get a Cornetto, then getting punched in the arm by my brothers so they could take the Cornetto off me and eat it themselves. Does that sound like the kind of thing that would inspire someone to write She's Like the Wind? Eff you, Jennifer Grey. You had it all, but you threw it away.

Obviously I realise that Jennifer Grey didn't actually get to go to Kellermans on holidays and Patrick Swayze didn't actually write She's Like the Wind for her, but this is our blog guys, and we just write what we feel.

Things that blow my mind - Nose jobs (AM)

A little while ago I was hanging out on amazon.com thinking about things I might like to buy and thought that Dirty Dancing would be a great addition to my meagre DVD collection. So I found a copy for eight bucks and added it to my cart but then I decided that I couldn't just buy every damn thing that popped into my head so I left Amazon without spending a cent. Then, a couple of weeks ago I was back on Amazon buying some books, which seemed like a totally legitimate thing to be doing, and when I got to the virtual checkout Dirty Dancing was still in my virtual cart and I decided, what the hell, I'm getting that bad boy.

So it arrived and I put it on the shelf thinking about how sweet it would be when I really felt like watching that movie and I would just be able to! Then on Saturday night I was home alone with a sleeping baby and I realised that I hadn't even checked if the DVD was region sensitive so I thought I really better just make sure it worked on my DVD player.

When I put it in the player the menu came up so that seemed like a good sign, but to be sure I pressed play. Now this is some anniversary edition or something and there is an 'introduction' by Jennifer Grey ('Hi, I'm Jennifer Grey, I hope you enjoy Dirty Dancing') now I know we all know that J.Grey got a nose job and looks totally different now, but, shit you guys she looks so different now.

 

Luckily for all of us she doesn't get a lot of work so we don't have to remember her nose job too often, that's why it was such a rude reminder when I saw it on Saturday night.

Can you imagine looking a way for all your life and then waking up one day and looking like a totally different person!? I cant/don't want to even imagine! Now if that isn't a mind bender I don't know what is!

Friday Favourites: Coffee (PM)

I love coffee so much I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

I effing love coffee. If I don't have any plans that take me further than the park on a given day I usually contrive some just so I can get a coffee in my gob. And that's usually after having a home brew first thing.

I don't have a home brew on work days and I spend my whole commute to work thinking about how awesome my pre-work coffee is going to be and then without a doubt the worst part of my day (you know, a normal day, not a shit day) is when I know I am on my last sip of coffee. And then I spend the whole morning wondering if I should have another coffee at lunchtime. Wanting one but thinking about the money and the caffeine and the feeding of my addiction.Usually I don't have a lunchtime one, but if I am having lunch at a cafe with someone then I always, always do. In fact after such an occurrence recently I said to Miguel, 'You know, I love coffee so much I always order it if I am given the opportunity, even if it is the wrong thing to do [that coffee had left me kinda wired]. I love coffee so much I always think it is the right thing to do and that it will just make good things better.'  I kinda just want to drink it like water.

This morning I loved the first sip of my coffee so much that when I went back for a second one I completely missed the little sippy hole in the take away lid and narrowly missed getting all that black gold down my front.

Coffee is not just a Friday Favourite is an everyday favourite.

Fuck this! I'm going to get another coffee.

Friday Favourites: Coffee (AM)

My office is on the 23rd floor of a building that mainly belongs to a large telecommunications company we will call PhoneTown. When I catch the lift to my office, I almost always share it with between 1 and 10 dudes from PhoneTown. And when I say dudes, I mean dudes. I swear there are 20 PhoneTown dudes for every PhoneTown lady. And not in that good way.

From time to time, usually when there is no one else on the lift,  dudes from PhoneTown will try to strike up a conversation with me. Without exception, these conversations are totally lame - some of the lamest I have ever had in fact. And I say that as someone who loves talking about lame shit, so you know it got to be bad. When I'm on the lift with a PhoneTown brother and I hear that tell-tale intake of breath that means I am about to talk to you, I just want to slap my forehead. But instead I smile and nod and listen to the dumb shit they say while privately thinking  uncharitable thoughts. Par example:

"Another day, another dollar, right?" *eyeroll*
"You can't possibly work at PhoneTown. You look way too happy!". Thanks for ruining my buzz, d-bag.
"So what's on Level 23?" Your mother!

However, of all the dumb shit dudes from PhoneTown have said to me, by far the dumbest thing was said to me just the other day. It was first thing in the morning, so I was holding a cup of coffee. Dude said:
"You've got a coffee. That's a good way to start the morning."
He said it like no one has ever thought to start the day with a coffee before. And he looked at me all expectantly, like he had astutely picked up on a special interest of mine, and like maybe we would bond because we were the only two people in the world who think it is a good idea to start the day with a coffee. I really had to make an effort not to laugh and say "Oh, brother!". I mean, that is the kind of lame comment that makes you feel a little offended on behalf of your brain and  ears. I got off the lift and walked to my desk, reflecting on what had just happened and shaking my head slowly.  It wasn't until I sat down that I actually took a sip of my coffee. Of course, the second I did so, all my troubles melted away because coffee is the most delicious and wonderful thing and every cup I have, I fall in love all over again.
Two sips in I was thinking you know what PhoneTown guy? You are effing right.You're not lame, you're just getting back to basics.  Now that I am not on a coffee high I have reverted to thinking that PhoneTown guy was really lame, but when I'm drinking that stuff, you can tell me anything and I won't care, because it's just me and the coffee guys. It's just me and the coffee.

Ever since that morning I've kind of reconnected with my love for coffee. It's been so great! I have been paying extra special attention to how delicious it is, instead of just throwing it back so I can stop jonesing. I think you should all do the same.

So lets hear it for coffee. Today's Friday Favourite. A little cup of miracles that you can enjoy whenever you want for only $3.50 or thereabouts.



This is what this morning's coffee looked like.



Haiku Thursday (PM)

(Get your AM Haiku right here)

If J's allowed one, then I'm allowed one

Breaking Dawn Part 1.
You sucked so very much. So

Why can't I quit you?

 

Summer

I

Hey Summer. You are

The fairest of the seasons

And you start today!

II

In theory, at least.

I've not forgotten last year.

Summer, where were you?

III

Are you trying to

Avoid Spring? What, did you guys

Hook up or something?

IV

Don't worry about

That. It will be awkward for

Five seconds. Then fine.

V
Plus, you are effing
Summer!  Pretty. Carefree. Hot.
Everyone loves you!

VI

Just tell the spring to

Make like Jacob's top

And get out of here!

(sorry guys, it just slipped out)

 

Shit! I can't stop this thing!

 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

 

30 Rock

My eyes and ears 

Want thirty rock inside them

Always. Ewww. What the...?!

Holidays 

I

When I am not on  

Holidays I wish I was 

On holidays. Yep.

II

And when I am on 

Holidays I love being

On holidays. Yep.

III

What I'm saying is

I'm sick of doing dishes.

Vaccuming, fuck off!

Just one, I promise

I love you I hate

You I love you I hate you

Breaking Dawn Part 1