Sound and Vision (PM)

Because my intensity is for shit, even though I only had a couple of beers on Saturday night, and even though I did not get drunk, and didn't have a hangover on Sunday I had that slight over-sensitivity that comes with a hangover. With a hangover it is usually more than slight. You know, like you really want cuddles, you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/dog even more than usual, cute things seem super cute, you cry when you watch that home improvement show where they are always renovating the homes of people with cancer. Anyway I didn't have that at all, I just knew I had a slight post-beer sensitivity when I drove past some posters for another gig Two Bright Lakes are putting on and I thought, "Wow, I'm so happy those dudes are doing so much great stuff, I love those guys!" And I guess that was helped along at least a little by what an great night was put on the night before and if only it hadn't rained non-stop the day before what a great success it would have had to have been.

You know what happened in the daylight hours. I just want to reinforce how great it was on that rooftop. I pretty much love being on a rooftop. Especially awesome ones!

I should confess that after we enjoyed our grande melts we decided to take a little breather from the rain and stand inside under the beautiful green leaves. It was a great place for friendly reunions and making jokes about cream without having to yell over the wind and rain and music. 


See how Russeth and  Mickey "Mikey Doubleword" Blue Eyes (aka Miguel) are so happy to see each other: 

But we couldn't stand inside for ever. Eventually we went outside and some of the best things happened! Bamboo Musik were playing some totally great danceable tracks so you could dance to take away those rainy blues; for about 90 seconds the rain stopped; and our eyes were filled with beautiful delights!

I don't usually go in for psychedelia, but I loved the projections

Bright colours on a monolith in the sky!? YES PLEASE!

Everything looked great, here is Biz and his projection box. It made the rain look really pretty.

 

 And they had pretty neon planes hung up. The whole thing was a bloody masterpiece. And then Oscar +Martin started and those guys make real nice music. And if you don't know it you should. The truth is that if it hadn't been raining I probably would have enjoyed their set even more. But as it stood I loved being in that lovely space with some favourite friends and listening to those great tunes. Also, there is something kind of great about saying "fuck you" to the elements and having a wonderful time in the rain anyway . (Not that I condone saying "fuck you" to the elements really, I mean, Earth is the boss. Fo sho.)

I told Biz, when I was leaving, 'I'm sorry its a wash out.' He kind of laughed in an offended way, but what I meant was "I feel sad for you that it's raining so much and there aren't as many people here as there should be." I sometimes say things wrongly. Whoops. I just meant , "Hey guy, this is great and what a drag that tickets sold out but so many people stayed home and can't see how great this is!"

Sound and Vision (AM)

This is a story about the Two Bright Lakes rooftop show J and I went to last Saturday night.
Remember last Saturday? It looked a lot like this:

All day it rained.  It was the kind of rain that drives people indoors. People are right to stay indoors in that kind of rain. Even ducks would be right to stay indoors in that kind of rain. But you know how it is when you're planning to go to something, and you know that thing will be really fun and even though you kind of want to stay warm and dry at home you also want to make sure that you are not turning in to a real pussy, so you go. It was kind of like that.

Plus, Biz, beloved member of the Crab community, is also a founding member of Two Bright Lakes. The thing Biz knows above all the other things is sound and vision. And don't you think that sound + vision + rooftop + rainstorm of biblical proportions = a wonderful night?
We thought so.




We met at Rue Bebelons for a drink  and a little text messaging first. The rain continued to fall outside but we were getting excited about the sound, and about the vision.  Russeth came to meet us, so we finished our drinks and headed out.

The show was on the Melbourne Central Rooftop. But who has ever heard of such a thing? No one, that's who. We thought it would take us ages to find it, but of course TBL are helpful guys and it was really well signed.


Excitement hit fever pitch when we found the door and got carded!Yesss!

The entrance was hung with beautiful strings of leaves that we wove our way through on our way out to the rooftop. It was light and airy and we couldn't help but linger for a little while to frolic  amongst the leaves.








But the music and its promise of fun times was calling to us. We soon joined the group of folks standing in the rain, listening to Lost Animal. 

Perhaps you can't get a sense of it from these pictures, but it was pretty great to be standing in a place I've never been, looking at a view of Melbourne I'd never seen and listening to some music in the rain. The rooftop space actually felt really cosy, and despite the persistent rain, in my famous blue yellow raincoat, nothing was getting in.

Of course, it wasn't long before we felt like a snack. We are, after all, us.

TBL thought of that too, and there was a delightful young man on hand to ply us with burritos and/or grande melt (which are slightly bigger burritos that you throw in the sandwich press for a while). Obviously we chose the grande melt.







We stood by the wall, ate our grande melts and listened to the music. Darkness was falling, and it wouldn't be long before standing around would have to give way to a little boogie.

But readers, remember what we told you about Biz's specialties? Sound AND vision. As darkness fell, the light show began and it was then the wonderment really took over. I don't want to say too much, because in this afternoon's post, J is going to tell you what we saw.
Let me just leave you with this picture of rain and paper planes, and be sure to come back to Miss Soft Crab in the PM,  when our story continues.

I just have one question (PM)

Well now I feel really bad because my version of iPhone has had the second, fuglier font as the notes font all along! Which is why I very rarely use the notes function. I was going to say I only use it when I really really really need to remember something, or when I am drunk, but then I looked at the notes I have stored in my phone and I think maybe I only use it when I am drunk. Consider:

F all of YI:
Salmon stack, popular: this is quite a long note I took when the chefs at TOYS were talking about ther food. I thought it would help us write our TOYS blog post but none of it makes any sense nor triggers any memories.
Hotrod: That's all that note says. Hotrod. I have no idea why I wrote it or what it means. It was written in September though, during the AFL finals series, so maybe I was referring to Jimmy Bartel?
Why isn't Brendan Fraser...: The full text of that note reads: Why isn't Brendan Fraser in more stuff?
While I don't remember writing it, it's the only note that makes sense to me. Why isn't Brendan Fraser in more stuff? I love that guy!

I just have one question (AM)

Most of what I have heard about Steve Jobs is all that general stuff you hear about guys like that. Things that come from nowhere and everywhere I guess. He was: a perfectionist; a genius; a tyrant; great to work for; awful to work for; (insert whatever other generic genius CEO thing you like here).But then I heard an interview with his biographer and all those things were kind of fleshed out a bit.

This guy, Walter Isaacson, told a couple of stories that I think, in light of what I want to talk about, highlight the real mystery of Jobs. One thing he talked about was that Steve Jobs' dad really instilled a sense of the importance of perfection and aesthetics whether things were visible or not, so that when Apple made its first computers even the insides of those cute little babies were neater than any mother(board) you'd seen before, chips were lined up and screws chosen for their finish. I mean, dude wanted things just so. Apple is no doubt a producer of beautiful products. Right?!

Another story was about how when Steve had been kicked out of Apple in the eighties the company added arrow keys to the keyboard so people didn't always have to use a mouse. But Steve thought this was bullshit, that people should always use a mouse. And one time, when he was back at the top of the Apple tree, someone asked him to autograph an Apple keyboard and Jobs just ripped those arrow keys off it. Sheesh! You know what? I love arrow keys! Using a mouse all the time is bullshit. That is what is bullshit!

Anyway, I am just telling you this to highlight that, yeah, he was a perfectionist, an aesthete and a guy that wanted things his way. Even though I love arrow keys, I totally think that Apple is great. No doubt. That is why I am so goddamn confused as to how a thing like this was allowed to happen on his watch:

Do you see that font? That font used for the Notes on iPhone? It's disgusting. Here you have this attractive, functional little machine and if you want to write a note it looks like that! Ever since iPhone entered my life this has been tearing at my insides but I kept it to myself. But everything became too much when I saw the font used on iPad2 Notes. Yep, someone thought the font needed a little tweaking. But for some unknown reason instead of making it better they made it worse. You thought it wasn't possible? You were wrong!

Baking failures hurt so bad (PM)

Gosh, I’m sorry your cake was such a disaster! It had so much promise. Didn’t’ we all though, ay?

You know from that picture you really can’t tell that just a little earlier that cake had been a lumpy, sloppy, marscapone mess. It looks fine. Just a little nude. Not that the giant candle is doing it any favours. I’m sure that it's not just me that thinks that large, lone, out-of-context poles/pole-like things seem phallic in a way that in-context poles/pole-like things don’t.

Funnily enough the birthday cake I made for my mother’s birthday last month was also mildly disastrous.  I tried to make this chocolate roll cake. I don’t know if you can be bothered reading a whole other blog post when you’ve got my awesome post right here to read, so I’ll just tell you that basically what the writer, Deb, says is that she has found a great way to ensure that you can roll this cake without breakages. The truth was I didn’t fully trust her and would have made a layer cake if I had more than one round cake tin. But I had no choice. I had to roll.

So I rolled the fresh from the oven cake with cocoa in a tea towel and when I unravelled it cracks galore! But what could I do?! I had to re-roll it with the whipped cream and raspberry as per my original vision because otherwise I just would have a collection of broken bits of cake. Here is out it turned out:

Thanks for nothing, Deb! (Except for a delicious light beautiful chocolate cake recipe that I will totally make again in layers. And frankly I can't freaking wait!)

Baking failures hurt so bad (AM)

It was my Mum's birthday on the weekend. Props to my Mum for totally nailing 67 years of life!
I hope she lives for another 67. Actually, I hope she never ever dies, but 67 more years seems like a good interim target. As a gift, I cooked her a nice lunch comprised of her favourite things: Gnocchi with napoli sauce, followed by lemon cake. I also bought her a pair of socks and a tote bag, but they are not important to the story, because this is a story about disappointment and she really liked the gifts.

In truth, the gnocchi was also very successful, so I won't bother talking about that either.

Delicious little guys

But the cake, guys. The cake was an effing disaster from start to finish.
Because it was Mum's birthday, I wanted it to be super special, and settled on a lemon layer cake, with raspberry jam and marscapone filling, and lemon marscapone icing. It was going to be beautiful and delicious and she was going to love the shit out of it!

My first mistake was made at the pan greasing stage. Even though I thought I was being thorough, I guess I wasn't at all, because the entire bottom  of one of the cakes stuck to the pan. I tried to salvage it and it ended up looking like this:

Yikes.

The other cake came out fine, so at this point I should have just abandoned the layer cake idea but I pressed on. I figured that I could overcome the above mess through creative sandwiching. My fellow cake eaters would be none the wiser. Plus, there was icing and  icing hides a lot of sins, right?

Right, unless icing IS THE SIN.
You guys, when you think that it's fine to replace cream cheese with marscapone in a cream cheese frosting, and you also think that you probs don't need to follow a recipe because you successfully made cream cheese frosting one other time, you are WRONG. Instead of making marscapone lemon icing, I made what looked like curdled lemon slurry. It just did not come together at all. There were lumps galore. Though very concerned about the appearance of this 'icing', I piled it on the cake anyway and hoped it would be OK. It was far from OK. It continued to look like curdled lemon slurry, and refused to adhere to the cake itself. It just slid right off like some sort of curdled lumpy slime. It looked disgusting. It did nothing to patch together my broken cake. 

I really effed it up, people. I stood there for ages wondering what to do and feeling super humiliated because I had effed it up so bad. And all the while the icing kept sliding off the cake and pooling at the bottom of the plate like a moat. Like a moat of shattered dreams. It hurt so bad!

I considered turfing the whole thing but it seemed dramatic, and plus, the cake itself tasted pretty good. And, my Mum is the kind of person who considers making an effort and executing your vision to be completely equal. She's a pretty nice lady.
I ended up wiping every shred of icing off the cake and leaving it nude. It looked terrible, but as predicted, she loved it.

The ugliness continued when we couldn't find any birthday candles and so stuck this giant candle in it and sang happy birthday. Mum said she preferred the big candle, because that way she could be sure she would blow it out. She's such a good sport.

Ew.

TOYS Collective - again

K: So mate, our second TOYS. Monday, 21 November at Cutler and Co., with Russeth, Rumpy, David and Welly.

J:  Let me first say that I was so effing excited about TOYS that all Monday it was all I could think about and by 5PM I was feeling as if I was about to go on a date with someone I had had a crush on my whole life. It is fair to say perhaps I was too excited

K:  Oh sure. I felt the same way. We had been talking about it for days. We loved TOYS Part 1. We had every reason to believe that TOYS Part 2 was going to be even better. Lets talk through the dishes and see whether it was, shall we?

J:  Yeah, because it cost so much money. But yes, let's talk food.

K:  Ok, shall we begin with the COCKtail? Chesapeake Bay Punch, made from aged stolen rum, cognac, peach liqueur, fresh lemon and sparkling wine.

It looks so innocent, but it really packed a punch. Bam!

J:  Yes. The COCKtail. Now I think it is not fair to compare TOYS 1 to TOYS 2 (or TOYS 6 to 8 if you are anyone other than us) BUT at our first TOYS we had a foggy PB&J COCKtail. This time we had a champagne peach one. Nice, but when you have had Strawberry COCK with peanut butter fog in your mouth not much can compare 

K:  Its true, not much can compare.

  

J:  It was nice enough.

K:  Yeah, but It didn't start my night with a mind blow (?)

  

J:  No. I would have gagged for a mind blow!

  

K:  I was kind of jonesing for a mind blow. But that's more about us than the Ramjets I guess.

J:  I don't think so. I think those guys present themself a certain way and that if we want a mind blow from them it is only cause they were asking for it.

K: Ok let me just say this before we go in to details of the meals...Due to an unfortunate seating placement issue, I did not have a menu describing the different dishes I was eating. And because I like surprises, I avoided reading the menus around me. And frankly, I think it was the best decision I made all night. It's hard to feel good about the words some people use to describe their food. It's like the more they can blow your mind with food, the more they can make you want to slap your forehead with the words they use.
 

J: I didn't read the menus much either, but I actually wish I had more. I guess I like anticipation

Anyway lets move on to the first course.

K:  Yes. Scattered, not stacked by Daniel Wilson and Andrew Blake. Cucumber and vodka cured kingfish smoked salmon roe, pickled samphire, buffalo fromage blanc, potato and wakame paper.

That salmon roe is being so coy

J:  OH YEAH! Things started to get real real here! That wakame and potato paper! YEAH BOYYYEEEE! Also I loved the samphire. Like a fresh spring sea vegetable!

K: Samphire tasted to me like green beans that had been living in the ocean. I loved it. And I loved that salmon roe that went pop in my mouth

J:  Yeah. You know because I asked for vegetarian meal I had beetroot instead of kingfish and roe and the beetroot did nothing much for me but everything else on the plate was delicious. Also I 
tasted roe from Russeth's plate and it was YUMMMMMMM!

K:  It was a pretty great dish really. A good start.

  

J:  Yes. It was very very good. And then we had...

K:  New Michelins by Brad Simpson and Michael Lambie. Quail and foie gras ballotine, pistachio crust and sauternes jelly, pear and ginger chutney, toasted brioche. At last, we mention brioche on MSC.

Bunny ears by Rumpy.

J:  FINALLY! Welcome brioche! I did not have brioche though. I had silken tofu with ginger and pear sauce, garlic chips and chilli.And it was delicious! So fresh and tasty!Russeth even said it was better than the meat dish.I loved it. I wish I was eating it now.

K:  It was indeed delicious, but for my money, the meat version was the dish of the night.

J:  Oh, that is interesting!

K:  Look, its probs a tie with the next dish. But lets focus on this one. Biting into crumbly brioche, smeared with that velvety foie gras, and set off with that tiny little pear that tasted EXACTLY LIKE CHUTNEY is kind of the enduring sensation of that night, pour moi.

J:  Oh yeah that chutney-tasting pear was really a mind-bender!

K:  It was a pear, but it tasted like chutney! How does that happen?

J:  Magic happens in those kitchens!

K:  It sure does.Like the next dish: Vue of View I by Nic Poelaert and Shannon Bennett. Confit ocean trout, cheval osso bucco sauce, cauliflower custard, pickled marmalade.This fucking dish!

J: This fucking dish! For me this was dish of the night! I mean I loved my fresh silken tofu but this guy! The way the pickled lemon marmalade played off the cauliflower! Shit! I had no idea cauliflower could do anything like that!

K:  For real.

J:  Oh, BTW readers I had asparagus instead of ocean trout and horse osso bucco sauce and it was still the bomb!

K:  Did we get confirmation that it was horse osso bucco sauce? So like, horse shin sauce? It doesn't matter I guess because it's not like I am going to start cooking with horse shins. But now, when I go out, I am going to want all my ocean trouts to be confit, and in horse shin sauce.

J:  HAHA. Eeewwww.

K: They've basically ruined me for other ocean trouts now. But that's the chance you take at TOYS, right?

J:  You said it mate. What goes up must come down.

K:  And down we came, to the Pig in the Pound, by Josh Murphy and Andrew McConnell. Wood grilled pork chop, salted lemon and cucumber, anchovy relish.

J:  Um, this is embarrassing but I have no idea what I ate here. I guess it was not that good. And because I forgot to photograph it and photographed Russeth's armpit followed by the spot on the table where my plate had been after I ate it I have nothing to help me out. Mate...?

K:  Shit mate, I have no idea either! I was just wondering that myself. But what I can say is that I think at this point we became kind of drunk.

J:  Yes, I guess it was about this time we started tweeting things like "@AlecBaldwin even you are not eating as well as us tonight #toyscollective"

K:  Yeah. We had to draft that tweet about three times too, because we kept forgetting to hash tag that shit.

J:  Well, was your pork good?

K:  Pork is always good, so I guess so. I don't have much more than that and I don't have a photo of it. Look, I think it's fair to say that this dish came at the point that Miss Soft Crab was taking five. From our brains.

J:  Yeah we were. But when the cheese dish came back we were back on it!

K:  Back on the shit out of it! The dish was: Bushfire, old forest, new forest by Aaron Turner and Corrine Blackett. Handmade goat cheese, buried, burnt. This cheese blew my effing mind.

This is the photo TOYS took.

This is the photo we took. It's all the same delicious cheese though. 

J:  I loved that. I loved it hard and I loved it good!

K:  People, imagine you are eating the smoothest goat cheese ever, and it is coating your mouth like nobody's business.Then imagine it tastes like a fire.Like the best parts of fire, and none of the dud parts.

J:  I seriously woke up on Tuesday thinking about it! How can bushfire taste so good. Shit I can practically feel that cheese in my mouth right now!

K:  And it kind of tasted like if Australiana fire.

J:  Yeah it did. In that really good way! What?!

K:  I know, stay not on fire please Australia. But we can't help what we felt when that cheese was in our mouths, right? And the dreams it gave us? Forgetaboutit.

J:  I have eaten so many great cheeses that it seems crazy to say there could be a best one. But seriously, I think that was the best one.

K:  I think it was the best one. What a thing!

J:  I know! Also, maybe that is what made us tweet this: "We love all the courses. Shut up they are bringing out desert #hilariathomas" And also think it was the funniest thing we have ever written.

Or maybe that was all the perfectly matched wines (except that first red one, a beaujolais, which was ill-matched if you ask me).

K:  Yeah. the wines. Now that I am reflecting on what came next, I realise that this cheese was not only the best cheese, but it somehow pulled us out of the matched-wine fog that meant we can't really comment on the pork course, and all I can really say about dessert was that it was there and I ate it.

J:  It was yummy. A tart sorbet with some chocolaty deliciousness.It was good. But you are right. TOYS had me at the cheese course.

K:  For the record, dessert was Bloody Beetroots by John Paul Twomey and Paul Wilson. Chocolate ganache, blood orange, beetroot and almond.

J:  Oh yeah. It was good!

K:  It was good, but I was pretty overstimulated at this point and could barely take it on. We had kind of lost it, right? Note the placement of Rumpy's head in this picture and understand where we were at, guys.

Top right. That's a head.

J:  It's true. We'd been on a journey and we were pretty far gone by the time dessert  arrived.

K:  I ate all of it, of course.

J:  I ate seconds!

K:  Oh jeez. I think I had a dip at seconds too. Oh well. Better to regret the things you've done, than leave food on the plate. That's a thing, right?

J: Its definitely a thing! And I live by it!

K:  Well that's good enough for me mate. So that was TOYS 2.

J:  Yep. That's it I guess.

  

K:  I think next time I am going to anticipate less and drink less.

  

J:  I will definitely anticipate less, and I hope I drink less but I am only a human.

K:I'm really human too.

Haiku Thursday - Twilight Saga Edition (PM)

Haiku impressions of Jacob
by K and J

I

In real life I
Love wolves. In Twilight Saga
I'm team wolf. TEAM WOLF!

II

I love how the wolves
Are giant. I love how they
Are too hot for shirts

III

I love how the wind

Blows through their fur. It suggests

Sensitivity.

IV

As well as being

a wolf (hot), Jake just seems like

better company.

V

If Edward's feelings

For Bella are wrong, then mine

For Jacob are too

VI

Yeah. I guess we both

Know police chief swan is more

Age appropriate.

Behind you!

Haiku Thursday - Twilight Saga Edition (AM)

Haiku impressions of Edward Cullen
by K and J

I

Stupid Sparkleface
With his stupid sparkly face
Get a real face!

II

You can climb a tree
Really fast. Um, so what, guy!
So can possums! Dick.

III
Edward Cullen's best
Thing are his ever larger
Volvos. For reals guy.

IV

Girl found you're a vamp
By searching the internet.

That's really lame, guy.

V
I think vamps are hot
But somehow Cullen kills it
Pussy vamps aren't hot.

Elmo (PM)

I like Elmo too.
Have you seen this one?

Elmo (AM)

Anyone that has spent any time here knows how much I live Graham Norton. I think he is hilarious and I think he really brings out the best in his guests. But you know who else I think is a wonderful interviewer, making all his guests appealing? Elmo!

Look, it's possible that I am living in some sort of altered state of reality, given how often I watch Elmo videos on the Internet with Baby, but I really love watching Elmo's interviews and just generally when he hosts guests on sesame street. I know there are people out there that don't dig on the 'Mo, but I think he is a cool cat. Here he is interviewing Neil Patrick Harris.




I should admit that I love NPH. I can't explain it but I do. So perhaps I am a little biased on that interview. But I just think it is really nice and they share a great chemistry. Wanna see another one? Here he interviews David Beckham. Oh, you think that is unreasonable too because I love David Beckham? Whatever. Just enjoy it guys.

And in this video Elmo consoles Norah Jones as she sings about about how sad she is that her friend the letter Y stood her up. I think it is kind of funny, but it is the one time I feel a little confused about Elmo. I know he is meant to be 3 1/2 so maybe he is thinking about when he fed at his mother's monster bosom, because he totally checks out Norah's rack! Check it out:

Cheese dreams (PM)

You know last night I had pretty intense dreams and even though I woke up thinking about last night's cheese it didn't even occur to me that I'd been having cheese dreams until I read about your Beyonce dream! That dream sounds awesome by the way. I kind of love celebrity dreams. What a shame you didn't get to go out and party with Beyonce. You guys would have had the best time.

In my dream LB and I were checking out a flat to move into. It was huge and full of a big Jewish family, lots of brass instruments and European things.

Perhaps to make up for the fact I did not have celebrity dreams I kept seeing celebrity doppelgangers this morning. First I  saw a woman so beautiful it made me want to cry. She looked like this:

  

Let me just say that I think my mild hangover largely contributed to my emotional response to her beauty. 

Then I saw a man that looked like this:

 

So weird.

Cheese dreams (AM)

Last night, J and I had a very special dinner with Russeth, David, Welly and Rumpy - a dinner so special that we are not going to blog about it for a few days so that we can really do it justice. Also, perhaps in a few days someone will have put an image of the pork course on the internet, because we forgot to photograph it. At this point, all I can say is that one of the courses involved a cheese so delicious it gave me truly magical cheese dreams.
All cheese dreams are magical, sure. But do all dreams involve hanging out with Beyonce in her bedroom (which looks exactly like J's bedroom from when she was a teenager) and going through her wardrobe to help her pick out an outfit? No they don't people, but this one sure did! Beyonce and I were having the BEST time and I wouldn't have been surprised if, had the dream continued,  she invited me along to whatever she was doing that night. We'll never know, because the dream was cut short, but here is a picture of a rainbow that I took  at the pub the other night.

Stay tuned to Miss Soft Crab for a full description of our special dinner later this week!

Double the freshness (PM)

Hi everyone.
Check it out: I'm super busy at work and can't write a proper post in response to fresh nachos. Can you believe it? Given that writing/thinking about foods is my favourite thing, I feel pretty wronged. But all is not lost. Happily, J and I had an email conversation about fresh nachos just the other day and I am going to cut and paste it for you, just so you guys have something to read this PM. In fact, this particular email conversation actually covered a lot of the major themes of Miss Soft Crab (food, clothes, hunks), so I'm pretty sure you guys will feel right at home reading it.

Let me quickly say this first: our emails pick up just after I told J that I had had a nice day, mainly because I was wearing this new ensemble that I was quite pleased with which involved high heels. Also, the email exchange starts one evening, then rolls over to the following afternoon. I guess we got lazy and couldn't be bothered starting a new email chain. Ok, here goes:

J: Let me start by saying that kit sounds so great. Heels! I want to start wearing them but I don't know how.

My day was ok. Kind of annoying but I just ate a new little thing I like to call fresh nachos so I am really happy now!

K: What are fresh nachos mate?
I ate a little something that I like to call shakshuka for one. It looked really cute in its small saucepan and tasted delicious.
Lets go shopping for high heels when we see Breaking Dawn!
Bummer about your annoying day.

J: Shakshuka for one sounds great.
But I have to tell you mate 'fresh nachos' are some of the deliciousest things I've ever made! It goes like this: ....
(I have left this bit out, because J basically just says what she said in today's AM post.. so just read that again if you like)

K: Well mate, fresh nachos sound fantastic.

Check it out: I just ran in to Croquette in the Collins Place Food Court.
He was eating lunch. I tapped him on the shoulder and said hello. What followed was 2 minutes of chit chat, the awkwardness of which can only be rivalled by the time Rib-eye tried to hold my hand when I high-fived him on the way out of Atticus Finch the other night.
*shudder*
What a shame this didn't happen yesterday when I was wearing my cute outfit.

J: Rib-eye tried to hold your hand when you high-fived him? WTF? You will need to tell me more about your meeting with Rib-eye when you can.
Why was Croquette such a weirdo?
I've posted.

K: Oh mate, I really do need to fill you in on my meeting with Rib-eye. Though the high five/hand hold hybrid is the most entertaining part by far.
Christ knows why Croquette was such a weirdo.

Nice post. The seafood smell was back today. Can you believe it?

FIN.

Double the freshness (AM)

Last week I invented this awesome new thing I like to call fresh nachos. Like nachos but fresh. And they are effing awesome. Like I said. Basically you make some delicious chilli beans and make a delicious salad then pile it all on a handful of corn chips with some good chilli sauce and sour cream. All the deliciousness of nachos without the gross oily melty cheesiness. I mean I love the gross, stodgy cheesiness of nachos as much as the next person but, you know,  without the grossness and with heaps of freshness they are a whole new kettle of fish. A delicious kettle of fish. Sure, you can't have corn chips in a meal all the time but I am telling you that fresh nachos are very, very special.

One thing that made them so special is my new approach to cooking chilli beans. Two things happened a couple of months ago that changed everything. I don't know which happened first but one thing was that K, Legsly, Blephanie and I made paella. The recipe called for us to make sofrito and add 10 tablespoons to the paella for cooking but didn't mention what to do with the rest. So we added it to our personal serves at the end. Wholly moly! It added this wonderful whole other dimension to it.

The other thing that happened was I listened to all the episodes of Fresh Air's food week and heard people talk about lots of food stuff, including how to do it best, science-wise. And this one guy talked about how adding flavours at the end was important and different to adding things at the start of the cooking process. Sounds self-evident, but I just had never thought about this before in this context. He was basically talking about how cooking your spices and everything for a long time changes and mellows the flavours, of course. So NOW when I make slow cooked things like chilli I add the same flavour profile TWICE. I may fry off some garlic, chilli, cumin and coriander (seeds AND fresh) at the start and cook everything in it. Then I chop up fine those same things and stir it all in at the end. A whole new layer of fresh flavour!

You don't have to thank me, you just have to do it!

What's funny? (PM)

It’s true. You think it is easy keeping you people delighted and amused in the manner to which you have become accustomed!?!  

But boy mate, you have raised some really interesting questions. Yes, it is true that slipping on a banana peel is hilarious. And monkeys would be doing that shiz all the time. It must be hilarious up in them trees. But you know what else I bet monkeys love. Farts. I mean, I tend to think of myself as a fairly middle- to high-brow person with a matching sense of humour. But sometimes farts are just really funny. In fact just writing this I am losing my shit a little bit. With hysteria guys! Not literally! Though I guess that would be funny. And gross. It is highly inappropriate because I am at work and trying to look professional. But that is really hard while trying to stifle near-hysterical laughter at the thought of fart jokes.

God, there are so many hilarious things out there. Things I should probably not find so funny. Like the other day when it sounded like Baby was calling me a not very nice name that begins with a C. You know the one, even if you don’t like to say it. I don’t have a problem with it. And neither does Baby apparently. Oh, I could not stop laughing so he just kept saying it and looking so proud of himself.

That coochi-coochi-coo tickle game seems much more appropriate so I am going to try to stick with that from now on.

What's funny? (AM)

You know, people often sometimes say to me  "K, Miss Soft Crab is so awesome prolific. With the need to produce two posts a day, five days a week (except public holidays, that would be crazy!), do you ever run out of ideas?"

Usually I chuckle and  slowly shake my head, hoping that they will forget they asked me the question because I am so tired from all the posting that I don't want to talk any more. But the truth is yes, sometimes we do run out of ideas.  And sometimes, not often, but sometimes, in the quest to deliver you guys another awesome installment of Miss Soft Crab, we do whatever we have to do for inspiration. Things like put random search words in to google and see what happens. Things like hit 'random article' on Wikipedia in the hope that it will yield fruit. Things like ultimately googling "what's funny?" which is how I found this!

If you can't be bothered reading that article, let me give you a quick summary. Its about an experiment that showed laughter is an instinctive behaviour that allows humans, as social beings, to get along in the world.  So when people laugh, it's not necessarily because they are amused, but because they are sending out a message that they are nice and friendly and up for a good time. It's a primal thing that we do so we can fit in to a social hierarchy.

I guess that makes sense.

But then the article says that according to the dude who ran the experiment, in the primate community,  "the first action to produce a laugh without physical contact — was the feigned tickle, the same kind of coo-chi-coo move parents make when they thrust their wiggling fingers at a baby."

Um, I know you're a scientist and everything guy, but I'm pretty sure that the first action to produce a laugh within the primate community was the first time one of them slipped on a banana peel. That shit would have been hilarious.  There is a scene from 30 Rock that involves Lutz falling over with a tray of drinks that would have helped me illustrate my point, but I can find it in the interweb.

Why don't we look at this one instead?

And just because it's Friday, lets look at the bit that immediately follows this one!
Hooray!

Hahahaha! That's what's funny, scientist.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

(AM Haiku, right here)

Rainbow Haiku

I

Blue. You're not my best

Colour. But you're a shit-hot

Joni Mitchell song

II

Yellow. Bananas!

Are good. But brown are better.

Banana cake, y'all!

III

Pink. Hey, girl. In my

Imagination, you taste

Just like musk lifesavers.

IV
Black. The hottest shade.
I bet you taste like making
Out. Yeah you would. Hot. 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

The dogs of minor celebrities

I

Tim Rogers walks his 

samoyed, shit bag in hand.

Samoyed? Really

II

Traffic light tangle

Kate Cebranos bike and dog

With my dog and pram

III

Doggy once pissed on

Charlie Pickering's dog. HA!

Sorry Pickering

Not cool guys: seafood in the workplace (PM)

Man, there is a whole lot of delicious seafood out there. It's true. But someone else's seafood leftovers is not in that category I am pretty sure. Certainly the smell of it is not.

I once lived with a guy that used to grill fish or something (I actually have no idea what the fuck he would do it because I was never in the kitchen when he did that thing, I would just come home to the smell of it) and man, it smelled so bad and would stink the house out royally. I wouldn't even want to cook in there after that. Why fish gotta smell so bad during the cooking but taste so good. And why can't whoever is reheating their fish lunch in your office be a little more considerate. Eat it for dinner, guy, in the privacy of your own home!

Most of my work place lunch scent scenarios used to be upsetting for whole other reasons. Things like I could smell that someone was eating hot chips and I wanted to eat hot chips but could not bring myself to eat hot chips for lunch. On a weekday especially! Or I could smell someone heating there lunch at 11:45 and it would make the next 1.25 hours until I was going to take my lunch agony. Work place lunch heating and eating is really delicate. Think about your colleagues people!

Not cool guys: seafood in the workplace (AM)

I effing love le fruits de mer.
Mussels. Scallops. Prawns. All the fish. Oysters! Don't get me started on oysters. When I lived around the corner from Canals (the seafood shop, not the navigable waterways) I used to routinely pick up half a dozen oysters on my way home from work so I could snack on those delicious suckers while I was cooking dinner. I love you so much oysters.

Remember the time we ate all of that magical sashimi?

Remember that time J and I cooked that delicious, seafood stuffed paella with Legsley and Blephanie? You guys couldn't possibly remember because I don't think we ever told you about it. But it looked like this:

I'm serious guys, I love seafood. And I'm telling you all of this, because when I say what I have to say next, I want  you to understand that I am not some kind of seafood hater. I am a seafood lover.

But I am also a normal person with feelings and all five senses intact, plus my extra special sense of being able to recognise people. So when people bring seafood based leftovers to the workplace and heat those piles of slurry up in the mother effing work microwave, so that the entire effing floor smells like a mother effing fish kill, I don't really like it.

Two days in a row someone has done this. On the first day, it started as just a little hint of fishiness in the air, but then kept building and building like a giant wave, and after building to the size of the wave at the end of Point Break it crashed over everyone.  Basically we couldn't do anything but writhe around in our seats and wonder what could make such a smell (we never found out). On the second day, we knew what was happening as soon as the first hint of fishiness hit the air.  Neville was really smart and basically just leapt out of her seat and got the hell out of there straight away. But I had a deadline. I had to sit at my desk and try to keep working while taking short sharp breaths to avoid inhaling any of the smell.  Today is the third day and I'm really worried.

If you're reading this, fish loving colleague (there is no way you are reading this...), please stop. It's sick and gross and you need to not do it any more. We have effing work to do guy, come on.

I think my brother is cool (PM)

I really like that backpack and now I want one for myself. But backpacks make me look weird and I don't like having to take them off  when I need to get something out of my bag. I guess I'm not going to buy the backpack. But I love how all you guys have them!

And even though I love my brothers, I can not tell a lie - those dudes are so uncool.

By way of illustration, here is a transcript of a phone conversation I had with Elderbro the other day.

K: So whatchu been up to?
E: I'm making a pond in our back yard.
K: Oh yeah? How come?
E: Ever since I was little, I have wanted a pond.
K: !!!
E: This one is going to be awesome. It is basically like a little river and has different levels and water flowing over stones and will have fish and some frogs in it when I am done.
K: (with enthusiasm I do not feel) Wow guy, that sounds kind of nice
E: Yeah it does.
K: So what else have you been up to? What do you do when your not working?
E: Oh, you know. Muck around with the pond. That's all really.
K: : (

That guy really breaks my heart.

Midbro isn't much better. He's a teacher, after all, and those dudes are never cool.
The other day, I was telling him a story and I was getting pretty excited about the story because that's what sometimes happens when I tell a story. He stopped me half way through and told me he was loving the story and I should keep going, but try to use my inside voice. Whatever Midbro!

You're not cool brothers, but I love you guys! Hugs!

I think my brother is cool (AM)

The other day Russeth and I were sitting in my Mum's living room and when Russeth got up to leave he put some things in his backpack and Mum and I both said, "oooh, that's a nice backpack." He told us he bought it for about $20 online and then we all went to the computer to see if we could find it. It turned out he actually bought it for about $50 and when we found the bag we couldn't find the nice navy one that he had and felt sad. Well, Mum and I felt a bit sad, Russeth probably didn't give  a shit. Come to think of it Mum probably didn't care much either.There was a black version and a khaki version, and quite a nice mustard one, but Russeth's navy one was really the winner.

A few days later I got an email about a sale from the very same e-store from which that bag had come and decided I should have a proper look for the navy bag. So I did. And I found it. Half price! About $20! Just like Russeth had fantacised and lied!

So I bought it. Bought one for Mum too. A few days later when Russeth was visiting I told him I had found the bag in navy and bought it for myself. And for Mum. I told him what a great price I got it for too. He was jealous.

Then about three days later I got a text from him that said exactly this:

Hang on. So are you telling me that you bought the exact same bag as I have?

Umm, the guy told me exactly where to get it. Saw my disappointment at not finding it. Heard my delight at finding it. Had a discussion about me buying it. Thought about it for three days and then that question occurred to him. I guess I think he is cool, cause you know I copied his bag, but maybe he is not as smart as I thought he was.