Friday, June 29, 2012

Babe of the Month Club: Kristen Stewart

It's Friday! The last Friday of the month! And that means one thing around here. Hunk of the Month Club!!!! But check it out you guys, we know you don’t all have the enthusiasm for hunks we do, the enthusiasm most often seen in 13-year-girls. Some of you may have that enthusiasm for babes! And if you generally don’t have enthusiasm for hotties, maybe you should just come back next week.

 Anyway, as if we don’t alienate many of you enough, what with our constant chatter of hunks, grooming, clothes, food and emotions, we introduce Hunk of the Month Club. Sorry. So we thought it was time to introduce BABE OF THE MONTH CLUB. Actually, Midbro suggested it to K months back, long enough ago that I think we can now claim it as our own idea. Of course it won’t be monthly, it’s more like, Triannual Babe Day. Anyway welcome to our first ever.

J: So, Mate, our first BotMC and we have chosen K-Stew, perhaps controversial, among ourselves as much as among the wider community, but there is just something about her I kind of love. Sure, when I first saw her, in Panic Room, all I thought was "Is that a girl or a boy?" When I saw her in Into the Wild I thought "Who is that really pretty girl hanging out with Emile Hirsch? Bitch" And when I saw her in the first two Twilight movies I thought "Has there ever been a more annoying, nauseating character in film before?" But when I saw The Runaways, everything kind of changed for me.


K: Is K-Stew in Into the Wild? I didn't even know that. You're not thinking of that girl who was in Donnie Darko and who's name is a lot like Jenna Moroney, but is something else?

Nope, I just checked IMDB - you're right, K-Stew is in Into the Wild.  (As is Jena Malone). Evidently I don't remember that film terribly well. I just remember it being really sad and Emile Hircsh being a real babe.

But enough about me and my memories. Lets talk about me and K-Stew. My introduction to K-Stew came with the first Twilight movie. I have never read the books, so knew nothing about this Bella Swan bird or Sparkleface or that there was a Team Wolf and one day, I would be a card carrying member of that team (it's not a real team).

I was so naive back then, I had no idea what a pile of hilarious BS Twilight  was, and how K-Stew's Bella was at the centre of all that steaming BS. It didn't take long though. A few minutes in and I really started to hate on Bella and by default, K-Stew.

And I have to say, I only saw The Runaways because I thought it would be good to hate on K-Stew a little more. But just as you say Mate, the hate stopped pretty quick smart.

J: Yeah, Emile Hirsch is a total babe in Into the Wild. That guy should work more!

But, back to The Runaways. In the words of Joan Jett I love rock n' roll. And I love hating on annoying people so I guess that is why saw the film too, I totally thought I would hate on K-Stew, but I didn't. I loved her! Firstly, she is really pretty. Secondly, I loved how in every second scene she was standing up and zipping up her pants cause she was just doing it with someone or pissing on something! I LOVED THAT! I loved it!


K: She was kind of great, wasn't she? So great that I'm pretty sure I didn't think of Bella Swan once while watching it. And at some point after it, I realised that I didn't want to say "UGHHGGHHHHHHH" every time I saw a picture of her. Things had changed.

J: Yeah, I mean I'm sure Joan Jett has a lot to do with my feelings for K-stew but that's ok. I also think there may be some Team Wolf transference. You know affection by association

K: For me, liking K-Stew requires me to overcome my incredulity that someone like Jacob could actually like someone like Bella. He is a WOLF and she is basically a Pomeranian. It's sick and gross and mother nature would be spewing if she knew about it.
But nevertheless. Seeing The Runaways led to the silence of the hate, which meant that a few months ago, when you said something to me, Mate, I was open to hearing it. Do you remember what that this was?
J: Oh, look, I am as opposed to Jacob's obsession with Bella as much as the next person. Nothing seems more unnatural. I'm just saying I think there may be some subconscious connection my brain is making and a transference of affection/attraction.

Anyway, no, I don't remember what I said. Was it something along the lines of "Have you watched the Snowhite and the Huntsman preview yet? It looks freaking awesome and I think I love K-Stew!"? 

K: HAHA. No, it wasn't that. But you were right about the preview for Snow White and the Huntsman.
No, it was when you were reading Twilight and you couldn't comprehend how annoying Bella was. I think I nodded and made some kind of sound that indicated I agree with you but, knowing I hadn't read the books, you went further. 
"No, Mate," you said, "You don't understand. You know how annoying Bella is in the movies? Well that's nothing compared to how annoying she is in the books. The book version of Bella makes the movie version of Bella seem tolerable. For K-Stew to be able to pull that off makes me think she must be some kind of wizard."
It was a real lightbulb moment for me.
J:  Oh, yeah. I was getting to that. People, Bella Swan in the Twilight books is truly the most repulsive character I have ever come across ever. The most repulsive. And I have read all of Bret Easton Ellis's books. She is the most passive, uncharmingly self-effacing, worst dressed character I have ever had the displeasure of reading and the fact that K-Stew makes her even vaguely watchable speaks volumes of the magic of K-Stew. 
K: Gosh, I really don't want to read Twilight.
Ok, so lets recap.
  • watching Twilight makes one hate K-Stew
  • watching The Runaways silences the hate
  • reading Twilight makes one respect K-Stew
But there is a missing link here. I don't think we would have gone from hating on K-Stew so hard to making her our very first Miss Soft Crab Babe of the Month if it hadn't been for a certain someone who blew that K-Stew trumpet loudly and consistently from day one: Chickpea.
J : It's true, Chickpea has long been a champion for K-Stew and her enthusiasm is infectious! No doubt. But you know sometimes you just need the seed to be sown and true love can bloom!

You know what else I've kind of come to love about her, even though I hate it on Bella Swan, that little half smile. When she does it as Bella I think, shit Bella, grow some balls, just smile or don't! But when I see K-stew do it I think it is kind of adorable! Is there something wrong with me?!
K: The problem is Bella. She basically ruins everything for everyone. At least, that's the hypothesis we should test against when we go see Snow White and the Huntsman next week. Because the truth is: everyone can see that K-Stew is a serious babe, but one who's babe-integrity is seriously compromised by that goddamn whiner Bella Swan.
Choose Jacob you stupid, stupid girl!
J: Imagine if K-Stew didn't play Bella Swan! We'd probs all be totally in love with her for real. I think that the truth will all be revealed when we see SWATH next week, you're right. And I can't effing wait to see it!

So I guess that basically K-Stew is our very first Babe of the Month because, despite playing the most annoying character in history, she has captured our imagination. Moreover, that gives her the repulsive/attractive thing so crucial to so many hunks! It's a classic combo and I guess she's nailed it!


  1. Do you know how happy I felt when I opened your blog today and saw k-stew staring out at me? A LOT HAPPY. Thanks so much guys (and J)! xxx

  2. Also this:

    1. shit! I totally want that effing tank top! Let's all get one! Also, glad you enjoyed todays post. Thought you might!

  3. I did see one Twilight movie (or at least a little bit - enough to think it's too stupid to watch) and nothing else she's been in. But I did see her on the Graham Norton show and thought - I hate her. She NEVER smiles. What's wrong with her?