Babe of the Month Club: Kristen Stewart

It's Friday! The last Friday of the month! And that means one thing around here. Hunk of the Month Club!!!! But check it out you guys, we know you don’t all have the enthusiasm for hunks we do, the enthusiasm most often seen in 13-year-girls. Some of you may have that enthusiasm for babes! And if you generally don’t have enthusiasm for hotties, maybe you should just come back next week.

 Anyway, as if we don’t alienate many of you enough, what with our constant chatter of hunks, grooming, clothes, food and emotions, we introduce Hunk of the Month Club. Sorry. So we thought it was time to introduce BABE OF THE MONTH CLUB. Actually, Midbro suggested it to K months back, long enough ago that I think we can now claim it as our own idea. Of course it won’t be monthly, it’s more like, Triannual Babe Day. Anyway welcome to our first ever.

J: So, Mate, our first BotMC and we have chosen K-Stew, perhaps controversial, among ourselves as much as among the wider community, but there is just something about her I kind of love. Sure, when I first saw her, in Panic Room, all I thought was "Is that a girl or a boy?" When I saw her in Into the Wild I thought "Who is that really pretty girl hanging out with Emile Hirsch? Bitch" And when I saw her in the first two Twilight movies I thought "Has there ever been a more annoying, nauseating character in film before?" But when I saw The Runaways, everything kind of changed for me.
 

HOT!

K: Is K-Stew in Into the Wild? I didn't even know that. You're not thinking of that girl who was in Donnie Darko and who's name is a lot like Jenna Moroney, but is something else?

Nope, I just checked IMDB - you're right, K-Stew is in Into the Wild.  (As is Jena Malone). Evidently I don't remember that film terribly well. I just remember it being really sad and Emile Hircsh being a real babe.

But enough about me and my memories. Lets talk about me and K-Stew. My introduction to K-Stew came with the first Twilight movie. I have never read the books, so knew nothing about this Bella Swan bird or Sparkleface or that there was a Team Wolf and one day, I would be a card carrying member of that team (it's not a real team).

I was so naive back then, I had no idea what a pile of hilarious BS Twilight  was, and how K-Stew's Bella was at the centre of all that steaming BS. It didn't take long though. A few minutes in and I really started to hate on Bella and by default, K-Stew.

And I have to say, I only saw The Runaways because I thought it would be good to hate on K-Stew a little more. But just as you say Mate, the hate stopped pretty quick smart.

J: Yeah, Emile Hirsch is a total babe in Into the Wild. That guy should work more!

But, back to The Runaways. In the words of Joan Jett I love rock n' roll. And I love hating on annoying people so I guess that is why saw the film too, I totally thought I would hate on K-Stew, but I didn't. I loved her! Firstly, she is really pretty. Secondly, I loved how in every second scene she was standing up and zipping up her pants cause she was just doing it with someone or pissing on something! I LOVED THAT! I loved it!

So HOT!

K: She was kind of great, wasn't she? So great that I'm pretty sure I didn't think of Bella Swan once while watching it. And at some point after it, I realised that I didn't want to say "UGHHGGHHHHHHH" every time I saw a picture of her. Things had changed.

J: Yeah, I mean I'm sure Joan Jett has a lot to do with my feelings for K-stew but that's ok. I also think there may be some Team Wolf transference. You know affection by association

HOT!!!

 

K: For me, liking K-Stew requires me to overcome my incredulity that someone like Jacob could actually like someone like Bella. He is a WOLF and she is basically a Pomeranian. It's sick and gross and mother nature would be spewing if she knew about it.

 

But nevertheless. Seeing The Runaways led to the silence of the hate, which meant that a few months ago, when you said something to me, Mate, I was open to hearing it. Do you remember what that this was?

 

J: Oh, look, I am as opposed to Jacob's obsession with Bella as much as the next person. Nothing seems more unnatural. I'm just saying I think there may be some subconscious connection my brain is making and a transference of affection/attraction.

Anyway, no, I don't remember what I said. Was it something along the lines of "Have you watched the Snowhite and the Huntsman preview yet? It looks freaking awesome and I think I love K-Stew!"? 

 

 

K: HAHA. No, it wasn't that. But you were right about the preview for Snow White and the Huntsman.

 

No, it was when you were reading Twilight and you couldn't comprehend how annoying Bella was. I think I nodded and made some kind of sound that indicated I agree with you but, knowing I hadn't read the books, you went further. 

 

"No, Mate," you said, "You don't understand. You know how annoying Bella is in the movies? Well that's nothing compared to how annoying she is in the books. The book version of Bella makes the movie version of Bella seem tolerable. For K-Stew to be able to pull that off makes me think she must be some kind of wizard."

 

It was a real lightbulb moment for me.

 

J:  Oh, yeah. I was getting to that. People, Bella Swan in the Twilight books is truly the most repulsive character I have ever come across ever. The most repulsive. And I have read all of Bret Easton Ellis's books. She is the most passive, uncharmingly self-effacing, worst dressed character I have ever had the displeasure of reading and the fact that K-Stew makes her even vaguely watchable speaks volumes of the magic of K-Stew. 

 

K: Gosh, I really don't want to read Twilight.

 

Ok, so lets recap.

• watching Twilight makes one hate K-Stew
• watching The Runaways silences the hate
• reading Twilight makes one respect K-Stew

But there is a missing link here. I don't think we would have gone from hating on K-Stew so hard to making her our very first Miss Soft Crab Babe of the Month if it hadn't been for a certain someone who blew that K-Stew trumpet loudly and consistently from day one: Chickpea.

 

J : It's true, Chickpea has long been a champion for K-Stew and her enthusiasm is infectious! No doubt. But you know sometimes you just need the seed to be sown and true love can bloom!

You know what else I've kind of come to love about her, even though I hate it on Bella Swan, that little half smile. When she does it as Bella I think, shit Bella, grow some balls, just smile or don't! But when I see K-stew do it I think it is kind of adorable! Is there something wrong with me?!

 

 

 

K: The problem is Bella. She basically ruins everything for everyone. At least, that's the hypothesis we should test against when we go see Snow White and the Huntsman next week. Because the truth is: everyone can see that K-Stew is a serious babe, but one who's babe-integrity is seriously compromised by that goddamn whiner Bella Swan.

 

Choose Jacob you stupid, stupid girl!

 

J: Imagine if K-Stew didn't play Bella Swan! We'd probs all be totally in love with her for real. I think that the truth will all be revealed when we see SWATH next week, you're right. And I can't effing wait to see it!

So I guess that basically K-Stew is our very first Babe of the Month because, despite playing the most annoying character in history, she has captured our imagination. Moreover, that gives her the repulsive/attractive thing so crucial to so many hunks! It's a classic combo and I guess she's nailed it!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

What?!

 Without weeks there's no
Weekends! I have to assume
K's really lost it

Winter in Melbourne

Some years winter

Passes us by. Not this one.

This is a cold bitch.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

This puppy looks like Batman!

Hi guys. Please don't look for a pattern in these haiku. You'll never find one. 


Thursday 28 June, 2012

Guess what today is?

The day my heater gets fixed!

Effing better be. 

Where is everyone?

Punctuality. 

You've made a lonely woman

Of me. Many times. 

Continuous improvement idea

The world needs days. Sure. 

Also months. (For periods). 

But weeks seem useless. 

Regrets (PM)

Well now we're on the topic, I  might mention the major regret of my life. 

Not seeing Leonard Cohen when he came to town is pretty much the major regret of my life.
I can't explain why I didn't go. I think it might be because I am a moron. That's my guess.
Actually, the first time he came, in February 2009, it was slap-bang in the middle of when I was breaking up with Ribeye. Then, I wasn't in the mood to hear all those songs of love and hate.

Im not being poetic, guys. Leonard Cohen really does have an album called Songs of Love and Hate.

See? It contains such classics as 'Last Year's Man' and 'Famous Blue Raincoat'

But then he came back in 2010. And again I didn't go. And there is no reason why not. Except that i'm a moron!

#neveragain

Regrets (AM)

What the eff are these people wearing? Speaking of regrets.

Regrets, I’ve got a few. But then again, too few to mention.

Oh, all right. I'll mention one.

It's funny you know, there are things I could have, should have, done when I was younger that would have led to me being a more successful, stable, well-rounded person. And I can even identify some of those things, but on the whole I'm happy with my life so I don't dwell on those regrets. Not at all. The regrets I dwell on are the minor ones. The ones that would have actually not affected the greater story of my life at all.

Like the time I went to see Joss Whedon speak and I had questions, questions I had actually been wanting to ask him for years and for some reason, a reason unknown to me, I did not approach the microphones during the Q&A session.

Baby and I wait for Joss to hit the stage

It was a weird time. Baby was with me and I was in a giant room full of people. Beforehand, I had kind of been prepared to do it. It was 2010 and I had literally had the questions in my head for at least 5 years. Since I first watched Firefly. Of course, my heart belongs to Buffy and the questions I had were born from Buffy but they were solidified watching Firefly. I could see in Firefly so many setups and potential storylines and I knew that had it been allowed to live, Firefly would have done some wonderful things. Then it was canned after one season. Of course I wanted to know what would have happened in Firefly if it had continued, but I knew I'd never know. So then I just wanted to know if even Joss knew the future. Ever since, the question had been burning in my mind. "In Firefly," I wanted to ask Joss Whedon, "there are so many hints at people's pasts and future stories but it was axed after a season and so we never got to find out those things. When you write do you know what all those secrets are or do you just put things in there to set up possible future events you don't even know yet?"

It was totally, metaphorically burning in there!  I wanted to know the answer so bad and yet. And yet.

Somehow when I found myself in a room with Joss Whedon and a microphone just metres from where I stood I was paralysed. Regrets. Yep, it's one of them. A big one.

And then, the other day I got this email from Mondonna. She lives in LA now.

The email was to me, Chickpea, Russeth and Frandonna. The subject line was: Hey sis and cuzes


And the body read: Ummm... Joss Whedon's  kids are at our house for dinner.

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? I have this burning question to ask Joss Whedon and and Mondonna is dining with his kids. Sure, that is not the same as dining with Joss. And those kids are 10. But still, it somehow really stirred the flames of my regret.

Yeah, regrets. I've got a few. But when you look at them, they probably are too few to mention.

Things I don't like in a dude (PM)

Eeeeewwwwww. Long nails on a dude! I also find this incredibly offputting.

I understand that this is a ridiculous double standard; why can chicks have long nails and not dudes? But that's just how I feel. In fact, just last night I was looking at The Sartorialist coverage of the Burberry menswear show and thinking to myself, "Some chicks' looks just don't work on men." Specifically in this case metallic clutches.

Thanks for the picture The Sartorialis

I don't like tits on my dudes either, you gonna give me a hard time about that?

Anyways, as I am neither in nor on the market I probs don't spend as much time as K checking out the dudes on the tram. Not that I don't spend any time doing that. Usually if I see a handsome man on a tram I think, what a shame this guy is on my tram and not the 96 (K's tramline). But I guess it takes more than the same tramline and respectable nail length to fall in love.

Things I don't like in a dude (AM)

I don't want to sound creepy or anything, but when I am on the tram, I spend a lot of time looking at dudes. I can't help it. The dudes are everywhere - all up in my business. Sometimes the dudes are adorable and I kind of fall in love with them. This is likely to happen if the dude is tall, if he is wearing a jumper, if he is a smiley type and if he is quite fair, but pulls up just short of being pasty. I also like the ones that are not fair, but are dark and vaguely swarthy and look a little bit like Jesus. I also like the ones with a touch of red. It's not a science, I just like what I like.

Anyway, with the good, also comes the bad. I mean, this is public transport people. There is no quality control. So while there are lots of dudes that I fall in love with, there are also lots of dudes that I most definitely do not fall in love with. Do you want to know why? Of course you do, why else are you here, readers?!

Before I tell you, I should acknowlege that the following list applies to dudes I see on the tram and never speak to, so by its nature it contains some very superficial things. These dudes who I judge so harshly may be wonderful, lovely people. I hope they are! But gee, you've got to pass judegement somehow, because there are a lot of dudes on the tram and one can't fall in love with all of them if one wants to be a functional member of the community. So, without further ado, please enjoy my top three things that I dislike in dudes I see on the tram.

Long nails. You think I'm creepy for looking at dudes all tram ride? Forget about it, dudes with long nails are the real creeps. Dudes, you are not Gary Oldman in Dracula, and the jury is still out on whether even he could pull it off. Nails that have a lot of the white bit and that extend beyond the fleshy finger pads do not belong on the hands of a dude. I see them, and I get a shiver, like I have just heard the sound of those very nails scraping down a blackboard. Cut your nails dudes!

Short nails. Dudes! Stop chewing your god damn nails all the way down to the nub. They look so vulnerable and like all your finger tips have been amputated leaving behind little fleshy stumps. Eww! Dudes, as a clumsy person, take it from me: evolution gave us all a really big break when it gave us nails. Enjoy it!

Please note that because it is such a gross thing, I am not including a photo of it here. You're welcome, readers.

Failing to cover one's mouth when yawning. Oh baby. I HATE it when people fail to cover their mouths when yawning. We are not lions and we are not on a savannah. If we were, I would welcome yawning because who doesn't love a sleepy lion? Nobody doesn't love a sleepy lion. But the yawns of a fully grown human are much much less endearing. When humans yawn, it's all distorted faces and hyper-extension of the mouth. Gross! I get that you are tired. Heck, we're all tired. But dudes, we are not animals.  Cover it up!

Cute!

That's all for now. 

The country life (PM)

Way to go, having such a great time in the face of such horrible art!
And way to go, Chickpea, on ingeniously using the Gaia themed workshop idea to spark people's interest in going away for the weekend.
She is like a magical pied piper, luring the people away from the city with the sound of her LOLs.

It just so happens that I went to the country this weekend too. With Neville, Scampy and Banana.
We didn't do any workshops but we did have a wonderful time.
Highlights included:

• Friday night's dinner of rump steak with fried egg on top (I only want my steak like this now)
• the multiple massages Banana gave me to fix my sore back (thanks Banana, you truly are the best)
• the giant bathtub that soaked in all Saturday afternoon
• Neville's purchase of packets of fun size Flake and Cherry Ripe, which I totally smashed
• ongoing hilarity. 

Mate, I actually started thinking while I was away that we should start a Miss Soft Crab savings account and one day buy a weekend in the country. Don't you think that would rule?

The country life (AM)

I don't know what you all did this weekend but I know that I spent 24 hours in the country and if I didn't feel so damned tired from having such a wonderful time I'd be feeling really refreshed and wonderful! What a great time! When I left on Saturday morning I felt normal, fine, you know, normal. By the time we got where we were going and people were asking, "How are you?" I was beaming and saying ,"YEAH! Really good!" And that was just after the drive!

LB, Baby and I went to a little place outside of Daylesford on Saturday for a delightful stayover with Chickpea, Strawberry, Lala, D-Digs, the Harnesenator and E&J. It was a NYE reunion. Chickers organised it and after her initial email attempt to organise the weekend had got no response, she repackaged it like this:

  Mother Gaia WORSHIP WEEKEND 

 Celebrate the WINTER SOLSTICE!!!!!! 

  Realign your CHAKRAS !!!!!!!!!!! 

 Balance your SPIRITUAL MERIDIANS!!!!!! 

 Awaken your KUNDALINI!!!!!! 

You can bet everyone got on board pretty much immediately! There were even going to be workshops.

Lala: A guided mushroom experience

Strawberry: Phatbeatz

Chickpea: Fluoro art

J: Menstruation

D-Digs: Aesthetic Enlightenment: Natural fibre's and their relationship to purification and  harmony and Go-Go for Gaia

Harnsenator: Areola reading

E&J: Sweat lodge construction & levitation

As you can see, it promised to be a pretty wonderful and enlightening weekend. And boy, the mudbrick house we stayed in really came to the Gaia party, check out this "art" that was on the wall. 

It's like a giant, metal, my family sticker! And that is just one of many. It was everywhere. In the house, around the property. My eyes got so full of ironwork art. *Shudder* There was the most hideous cat metal art on the wall. I tried to photograph it but my camera rebelled and the photo didn't work out.

It turns out, in fact, that ironwork art is really big in the Hepburn area. Why they wanna ruin the natural beauty of that place I don't understand. 

And in case you are interested in what my bedroom looked like, here is the chenille bedspread. It really lifted the room.

The only "workshop" I experienced was some impromptu go-go (for Gaia) before dinner. Sadly I was putting Baby to bed during the levitation workshop. I could hear the squeals of delight as "light as a feather, stif as a board" was performed with success.

I did partake in a pretty wonderful and feminist game of scrabble. If you ask me I got the best and most appropriate word. I wonder if you can tell which one it is.

Yesterday I had the skinniest sandwich in Daylesford I have ever seen.

But the nature guys! The nature!

Paradis lost (PM)

You know why you can't think of any more celebrity couples that you want to stay together, Mate? Because celebrity couples aren't worth a damn anymore. Not only can you not have any faith in them these days but the overall calibre sucks.

Celebrity couples. I feel almost nothing for them now.

I mean Brangelina! Puh-lease! Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were more appealing than those two. Miley Cyrus and Thor's little brother? I don't even know who they are! Who could ever give a shit about those couples. Celebrity couples used to mean something. But not anymore. 

Sure, I hope Beyonce and Jay-Z stay together too. And Joshua Jackson and Diane Kruger too, I mean they seem adorable. 

And I would want these guys to stay together too if I thought they were a real couple. 

And if I thought there was any chance. K-Stew is 22 for god's sake. Sure, that's practically how old I was when LB and I started going out, but we got together in Collingwood, not Hollywood. 

HEY! I just thought of one! 

Adorable Spaniards

And probably if David Bowie and Iman break-up I couldn't even say 'celebrity couple' again.

To conclude, I think that, yes, you should go and talk to a hairdresser about getting that Michelle Williams hair cut and colour. You've been talking about a transition like this a lot.

Go do.

Paradis lost (AM)

You guys! The internet tells me that Jonny Depp and Vanessa Paradis just broke up!

Quel dommage!

I really liked those guys as a couple. 

Look how adorable Vanessa is. 

Jonny's a fool, letting that one go. I guess they have their reasons. 

But gee, it just goes to show that if you are a person who wants to mate for life, you should try hard not to be a celebrity. Those dudes never stay together! 

There is a  tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples that I want to work out. Or should I say, there's a tiny shred  of a tres petit part of my heart that I keep aside for celebrity couples I want to work out - what's left after my all-time favourite celebrity couple broke up. 

RIP Heath and Michelle as a couple. And Heath, for real. 

Other couples I have liked that are no longer together:

Brad and Janet. I mean Tim and Susan. 

Spicoli and Princess Buttercup. I mean Sean Penn and Robin Wright.

Actually, that's about it. But there are a bunch of other couples I want to stay together!

Like these guys. 

And these adorable lovebirds:

Experience tells me that these guys won't work out either. There are others too, but I can't think of them think I should leave some for J. 

See you in the PM, crab fans.
PS: This is Michelle Williams in Take This Waltz. 

More importantly, this is her hair.
That hair is cute, right? Could I pull that off? I'm talking colour too.