Stop to smell the roses (PM)

I have a SharpAz too. I got J to get me one when they were on sale at that place for $10.
Here is a picture of my SharpAz next to the giant letter K that Legsley and Miguel gave my for my birthday, so you know it's really mine.

Incidentally, having a giant letter K is one of my favourite things about home.
I suspect if I had a 3D TV, I wouldn't give a shit about my K, because lets face it people, it's just a letter K made out of wood and not a 3D TV that can make confetti rain on my roof and gymnastic men come at me from the screen. What is a wooden letter when miracles like that are happening?
But as it stands, I just have a regular TV so that K and I have many more good times ahead of us.

Stop to smell the roses (AM)

For the last couple of months I've been house sitting. In bigger, nicer houses than mine, and in preferable locations. And not in the kind of proximity to my parents that makes everyday a struggle against regression. And in many ways it has been really nice. All the space, light, effective and thorough heating, kitchen bench space, dish washers, accessible bins. Yep, it has been quite luxurious. But on the weekend we moved home. Home to a freezing kitchen and bathroom, limited space and a daily struggle against regression. But what coming home to all this has shown me, is that despite all these shortcomings, home is pretty good. 

First of all, I was reunited with my beautiful grater, SharpAz.

I stumbled across this grater one day at a time in my life when I was dissatisfied with my grater and this baby was on sale; $10 reduced from $29.95. Well it didn't seem like much of a gamble, and I am telling you that until you have grated with this, well, you haven't grated. It makes grating a pleasure! A pleasure, people! I used to hate grating, but not since SharpAz came into my life. And when I grated my first vegetable in two months on SharpAz last Saturday night, well it was then that I knew I was home. 

You know what else was nice, just being able to wear anything I owned. Just choose any piece of clothing from my wardrobe. Anything at all. It was all at my finger tips.That was pretty luxurious.

Also, my house has a nice view. Out the bathroom window I see cargo ships on the water. They really make my day. I don't know what it is but I effing love the sight of cargo ships. 

Plus, you know that proximity to my parents? Well it also makes me proximal to their 3D TV. Sure, this is usually no big deal, but did you know that the Olympics are being shown in 3D? Do you know how effing good that looks? Apparently my mum saw confetti in 3D during the opening ceremony and thought rain was coming in the roof. 

 HAHAHAHA.

 

I watched some of the men's gymnastics in 3D. Do you know how good at gymnastics those guys are? Really good! But they are so much better in 3D. And when you are watching, say, a guy performing on the rings and then someone else does some handsprings in front of him, you just see that second guy, 3D handspringing away in front of you. Look, this is a really visual experience, it is hard to describe it in words, so let me just say that when I was watching it I just had this big stupid grin on my face the entire time.

I guess that being away from home just made me realise that home is pretty nice, even if you think its not that great.

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (PM)

Napoleon loved bees? I love bees! And I love that bee brooch. I want it! And I want to go see the Napoleon exhibition. I’m gonna. Even though I am slightly disappointed that Napoleon’s horse was not called David.

I think I should go see it for quite a few reasons in fact.

1.       Bees!

2.       Art!

3.       In my mind Napoleon will always look like this:

And now that I am in my early 30s I guess it is time that some of my historical knowledge comes from something other than Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Even if my life philosophy is still based on theirs.

I wish this said "BEE excellent to each other"

Napoleon exhibition: a Miss Soft Crab summary (AM)

I went to see the Napoleon exhibition at the NGV on the weekend.
Revolution!
Military things!
France!
It was very enjoyable actually. You should all go. But in case you don't make it, here are some of my favourite things about it, and some discoveries I made.

Young Napoleon was quite handsome! 
Before seeing the exhibition, I thought Napoleon was kind of boring looking, with a bent towards the smug, and obviously a very short man. Now I know that was only how he looked in the later years. As a young man, he was a total dish. See for yourselves, readers.

Nothing wrong with that, am I right? Men doing hoist enough flags these days if you ask me, nor look over their shoulders while wearing a sash.
Also, apparently he was 5 foot 6 inches tall. The same height as me! That's not that short people, give him a break.


Bees!
You know how most kings and the like favour symbols like eagles and lions to make them look powerful and what not? Well, perhaps the most endearing thing about Napoleon was that in addition to having the image of an eagle slapped all over his paraphernalia, he also had a bee as his special emperor symbol. Isn't that adorable? I think that's so adorable! Apparently he liked bees.

This is a bronze bee from the NB's coronation celebrations. CUTE!

The bit where I thought Napoleon's horse was called David!
Miss Soft Crab is a big fan of Davids. We love them in fact.  While looking at this picture, I noticed that it says David on Napoleon's horse's leather strappy thing, the one that is making a horizontal line in this picture.

You can't see it here, but trust me, it's there. When I noticed this,  I basically decided I loved Napoleon. Not only is he handsome and a bee fan, but he has a horse named David. Who cares that he made himself emperor and made members of his family Kings and Queens in a whole bunch of other places. He has a horse called David and that makes him OK by me.

Turns out the person who painted he portrait was called Jean-Louis David, and the horsie's name is unknown.

Oh well.

I liked lots of other things but these ones spring to mind. You guys should go!

Hunk of the Month Club: Jake Gyllenhaal

I'm sure you all know who Jake Gyllenhaal is. He is this really handsome guy:

But he is so much more than that! He is also this handsome guy!

But seriously folks, I don't think that you need me to tell you that Gyllenhaal is an American actor born in 1980 and star of Donnie Dark and Brokeback Mountain and a whole bunch of other stuff too. But what I want to know is why is isn't in more stuff all the time? Other than those weird 5 minutes when he dated Taylor Swift he has been very, very quiet lately. And I want to know why! I want answers.

J: So! Mate! That time of the month again. And this time we are celebrating Jake Gyllenhaal. I remember the first time I saw him. Donnie Darko was on at the MIFF, and because I liked the sound of it and the giant bunny in the picture I went to see it and I was blown away! Yes, I liked the film a lot, but that Gyllenhaal! I knew from the moment I saw him that I would be seeing a lot more of him.

K: I didn't go to that screening of Donnie Darko, but it reminds me that I really must get serious about figuring out what MIFF films I am going to this year. But I do remember quite clearly how you told me about it after you saw it,  and told me how great the dude in it was. You spoke in hushed tones, reverent almost, instead of the usual enthusiastic phwoar  and what a hunk! type deal that usually follows the discovery of a new hunk. You seemed to be extremely impressed.

I had my doubts because even though you said the name 'Jake Gyllenhaal' several times, I couldn't quite grasp it nor commit it to memory and I had doubts about the future of a hunk who's name was difficult to remember. Keep in mind, readers, that this was before the days of mobile internet devices, so its not like you could have just showed me a picture of JG and allowed me to commit that pretty face to memory then and there. No. I had to wait until I saw Donnie Darko, some time later, to realise that J was right. This hunk was going places.

J:My how things have changed. When I saw Donnie Darko I don't think I even had Internet at my house! In fact I actually remember Yahooing him at work. (HA!) And being delighted to find that he was already on his way up.

Of course it was not long before that difficult to remember name became a name of the household variety. Have you seen his face? Little wonder?!

K: And there we have it. That boy has a face that won't quit.

Seriously, if I was Jake Gyllenhaal, I would burst out laughing every time I looked in the mirror.

It's not that I find extreme handsomeness funny, it's just that certain levels of pretty make me feel like I must be in the middle of some kind of practical joke, played by the gods on us unsuspecting men. 

J: I know what you mean. I feel that way too, like how could that ridiculous handsomeness be for real, right? I wonder what it is like for Gyllenhaal to be that pretty.  

K: I wish I could tell you!

There was a time there where JG was in everything, but it seems like he's gone quiet lately. 

Why is it so? It's not because he got less pretty, that's for sure. He still looked pretty walking down the street in March.

J: He sure did look good walking down the street in March!

I guess he still is in stuff, like that just terrible looking film with Anne Hathaway, who I can not stand, especially when she is a playing fun-loving, sexually-liberated woman who, through a gross miscarriage of universal justice, gets to do it with Gyllenhaal. No, no amount of hunk could get me to watch that. But what he was in recently, and luckily for my eyeballs was on TV recently, was Brothers. I couldn't really tell if that film was any good, because it was on TV and it made me cry all over the place with its death and sadness and war and horror. But one thing that was abundantly clear is that Jake Gyllenhaal is really, very hot.

Plus, as MC Gusto says in CB4, "[he] got them eyes, man, yo"!

K: Oh shit, he sure does got them eyes. Them kind of eyes that if you looked at them just once you would probably get pregnant. Just because it hasn't happened doesn't mean that it couldn't happen. Gyllenhaal be like the anti-Medusa!

Also, because this a thinking woman's blog, we should  note that Gyllenhaal is not just really, really pretty. He is also really good at the acting. He's great at it in fact!

J: Yes. He really is a great actor. You think they just nominate anyone for a Best Supporting Academy Award like they did Jake Gyllenhaal for Brokeback Mountain? He really is very, very good in that movie. I love that movie.

We should also note that he is rad in a bunch of other ways too. He campaigns to get the kids to to vote. You know, 18-year-old kids. And according to Wikipedia he donates money to have trees planted in Mozambique, enjoys cooking and woodwork! HOT!

K: I wish he was in more great stuff, though. That's my one complaint about JG. But having said that, I  think he is going to age really well and so I guess we should be focussing on quality, not quantity, as it's not like we need him to cram so we can all get it while it's hot (MC). No siree.

J: Yes. Gyllenhaal will age well. You can tell because he is not just pretty but also manly. And that is a recipe for long lasting hunk factor. (Paul Newman anyone?)

Do you know what else is quite hot about Gyllenhaal? He's the godfather of Matilda Ledger.

K: Wow. Is it weird to think that's hot?

J: If you want some kind of respectable answer to that you are asking the wrong person.

K: Lets not overthink it.

The things we know for sure are that JG is hot, he is really great at the acting and happily, he has a long career ahead of him through which can experience these things. 

But, if he could possibly be in something good soon, that would be great. Maybe with Edward Norton. Just putting it out there.

J: And James McAvoy. Maybe?

K: OMFG yes!

J: We pitch tomorrow!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Love

Well hells yeah, coffee

You turn my frown upside down

An undying love

Discretion

Break-ups and beatings

From my dining neighbours' lives

Perhaps pipe down, yeah?

Confusion

Olympic events 

Under way, but the games not

Open yet.  Confused.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Jerusalem artichoke

I

You look like ginger.

Just as wasabi looks quite

Like Avacado.

II

But you're a tuber

And that is one of my most

Favourite plant words. 

III

The other one's named

After the whole globe! But you:

Just Jerusalem. 

IV

Don't feel bad 'bout that

Jerusalem artichoke.

I dig on your taste.

Pity the fool (PM)

Oh, brother. Fool sounds like the worst of the worst. My eyes are sore from my rolling them so much while I was looking at that website.

Get your hand off it, Fool!

Your tagline of Food, Insanity, Brilliance & Love sounds to me like shit, crap, excrement and poo.

And while I am eating something as I write this, it's not because you have inspired me, Fool. It's because I like food, and I like to put it in my mouth where it belongs instead of all gussied up on the pages of your goddamned magazine.

So...wanna know what I'm eating?

This delicious mini-bagel from Aviv. I was just going to get one regular bagel but I got two mini ones so I could spread the joy out a little.
Hooray!

Pity the Fool (AM)

You know, I love food and cooking and talking about those things as much as the next person. Have you even read this blog? Lord knows you could ask any of my friends and all will tell you how I have bored them time and again with "stories" of things I made for dinner last night. (I'm sorry friends, I try to stop myself but I just can't!) But this sensation sweeping the nation, you know of food and cooking worship and wankery, it has got to stop!

The other day I was at a cafe and one of the items on the menu was "twice-shelled broad bean something". Do you know how many times you have to shell a broad bean to make it edible? Two times. And for those of you not mathematically minded that is the same as twice. I guess the kitchen decided that they should advertise this twice-shelled fact to appeal to a certain type of person. They should have called it 'adequately-shelled broad bean whatever'. That, at least would have bean been funny.

In case this wasn't indicative enough that things had gone too far there was no doubt left in my mind when I walked past Books for Cooks recently and had the displeasure of seeing a huge window display for a food magazine called Fool. Oh, not familiar with it? It looks like this:

"Food, insanity, brilliance & love" What? Seriously, what?!?

Enough said, right?

Please! It's enough to put me off my food. Of course I was so repulsed I had Google it immediately. It was then I discovered it was Swedish, which almost made me forgive it the ridiculous cover, stupid name and overall awfulness. I thought I would have to use all my will power to continue hating on it, but then I got to the website. 

Fool, the website tells us, is, "A cutting edge magazine on modern gastronomy and food culture. Fool is different from other 'food magazines' taking inspiration from fashion, design and culture. Visual. Thrilling. Made in Scandinavia."

I don't care if English is their second language, come on dudes, get a little subtlety.

One review, I read which claimed Fool "blew [their] socks off" wrote a whole paragraph about the magazine without actually saying anything about it at all.

Look, this isn't a science, I can't tell you what upset me so much about that magazine. Yes, it's the ridiculous name. The font. Ugh. And definitely, definitely the guy on the cover (Magnus Nilsson - a Swedish chef. He's so hot right now!) All I know is I hate it and it's making me hate food.*










*Not really I could never hate food, I just wanted to end with some drama.

Way to go, Brad (PM)

I love it when people comment on Miss Soft Crab, so maybe the Sartorialist gets a kick out of all his commenters too. But it just seems, how should I say? Effing ridiculous that people feel the need to write shit like, 'I love that outfit!', 'What a beautiful photo!', and 'She looks incredible!' on a blog full of great photos of beautiful, well-dressed people.  You dig?

Oh! Or the comments people leave on food blogs. 'Yum!' 'That looks delicious!' 'I can't  wait to make that!' Yeah, no shit people.

So word up to Brad and his haiku. And you guys. I've loved every comment y'all have ever left so keep that good stuff coming!

Way to go, Brad (AM)

You know how I like to watch bad TV shows and bad movies so I can roll my eyes at how shit they are?

Well I also like to read the comments that people make on The Sartorialist for the same reason.  People say the darndest (by which I mean the lamest) things on The Sartorialist. One never sees so much stuff that absolutely does not need to be written as that which one sees when reading the comments on The Sartorialist. And I've read 50 Shades of Grey,  so believe you me readers, I know a little bit about the topic of things that do not need to be written. 

Par example, about this photo:

People said, amongst other things:

"I love this dress"

"I love that white dress on her! So simple and chique (sic)!"

"She looks gorgeous. And I love the shoes"

and much much more. Oh brother. 

If only the readers/commenters on The Sartorialist could be more like you guys, readers, who only ever make super great comments here on Miss Soft Crab. Instead, they just say more and more stuff that really does not need to be said, and leave me feeling that there is no hope for them.

That is, until now!

Check out what commenter 'Brad' said the other day, in relation to this: 

"double t-shirt man
basking in the cold noon sun
belted cardigan!"

Haiku comment! HAHAHAHAH. 

Way to go, Brad!

You're not doing it right, brain! (PM)

Look Mate, I'm not a doctor, but it's clear to me that in the interests of your health, we have to go and see Ted as soon as possible.

Enough's enough. You need some sweet relief!

You're not doing it right, brain! (AM)

Hey! Guys! How was everyone's weekend? Mine was pretty good thanks.

When I woke up on Sunday morning I was really excited about a post I was going to write for you. It was early and I was just waking up and remembering how earlier in the weekend I'd been taking notes in my Miss Soft Crab notebook and been really excited about this thing that had happened. For you guys. But you know, it was early so I had to think about the weekend to figure out what it was. And then it came to me.

The night before I had been sitting in a room, this really non-descript room and a friend was sitting next to me and a bunch of guys walked in and I realised one of them was Donnie Wahlberg! I know! Marky Mark's brother! I love Marky Mark! And I said to my friend, "Gee Donnie Wahlberg looks really sad." And then the guy in front of me turned around and it was Danny from New Kids on the Block! And it turned out that the non-descript room I was in was about to be the venue for a NKOTB show and we were just sitting right there by the stage! Anyway, Danny from NKOTB said, "Yeah, Donnie's just been two-timed on." Then he laughed like it was really funny and told me that Donnie was hanging out with one of the dancers but he was still really sad. And THAT is when I took out my special notebook, because I could not fucking believe what was going on and that I would have such a good post for you guys today. All this inside gossip on New Kids on the Block that Danny NKOTB seemed to be throwing around so freely! Sure, who gives a shit about those guys, right? Not me, but what a great story!

I guess you see where this is going. When I remembered all these details on Sunday morning it eventually dawned on me that my great experience had been a dream and I'd have fuck all for you guys today.

The weird thing is that when I was young and NKOTB were big I didn't even like them. I NEVER EVEN LIKED THEM! When I saw they were touring here earlier this year with the Backstreet Boys, the only thoughts I had about it were "Ha! NKOTBSB!" and "Weren't those bands hot, like, 10 years apart? Surely there is no cross-over fan base." That is all you guys. Those are the only thoughts I had. And then I had a dream about them. Perhaps I shouldn't be putting this out there like that. Perhaps it says more about my subconscious than I should be admitting.

The only explanation I can think of is that Marky Mark is never too far from my subconscious, but being a subconscious and all, it's tricky about how it works so it sent me Donnie Wahlberg instead. Also, I ate a fair bit of cheese on Saturday.

Thanks for nothing, subconscious.

Return to GOOP (PM)

Mate, thank god you wrote this post! Because after having The Royal Tenenbaums play silently in the background of band practice last weekend, I almost started liking the GOOP! Thank god things are back to normal now. (I still want to dress in tennis dresses but what else is new?) I like the bit about the tray that says this: Alexandra von Furstenberg has made this special laser etched acrylic tray especially for goop.

HAHAHAHA. Oh, oh god GOOP. Get a real name!

For those of you with any doubt about how gross the GOOP is, here she is in her jeans:

And here are the actual jeans:

Eeeew. Gross me the fuck out.

It's almost like she wants her disciples to look fugly so that she can be the fairest of them all. What the hell is wrong with you GOOP. Being pretty and rich and famous and popular isn't enough for you?

But K is right, we don't want to end the week on a sour note. So I give you Flo Rider! As horrible and stupid as GOOP but heaps more funny!

Return to GOOP (AM)

While Miss Soft Crab usually likes to end the week on a positive note, I'm not sure that's going to be possible today. You see, in addition to getting around with a bunch of orchids in her hair, Gwyneth Paltrow has just relaunched her GOOP website.  It is no longer merely a weekly e-newsletter full of expensive and useless shit that she likes, but is now a "lifestyle company curated by Gwyneth Paltrow". Are you thinking what I'm thinking, readers?
If you are thinking something along the lines of :
Fuck off
Get your hand off it Paltrow
No seriously, fuck off
then yes, you are indeed thinking what I'm thinking. But due to Miss Soft Crab's long-term interest in bagging GOOP, I think it might be time to check in and see what's new for us to roll our crabby eyes at. It's time to return to GOOP!

Readers, you will be delighted to learn that GOOP still holds fast to its "buy this $100 candle" and "go on this detox" bullshit roots . But now there's more! GOOP 2.0 also contains a bunch of:

"exclusive limited edition GOOP collaborations for the wardrobe and the home  - foundation pieces for you to build upon with your own personal style".

Quite.

Lets have a look at one of these exclusive limited edition collaborations, shall we?

Presenting, "the GOOP tee". Not t-shirt, mind you. Just "tee".

Um, gee GOOP, that looks an awful lot like a white t-shirt to me. A white t-shirt you are selling on your website for $90. I'm struggling to find what's so GOOPy about this. And why I should spend a pineapple and two lobsters on it.









There's also this, the GOOP bikini, which looks a lot like the kind of thing you see wrapped around a ham come christmas time. All yours for a tidy $150.

There's also a pair of GOOP jeans and, my personal favourite, the GOOP tray, which I  am not posting here because it really must be seen in situ to be believed. Be sure to scroll down so you can see GOOP in her 'office' doing some 'work'. 

Apparently the tray can go to the office for "an elegant display" or be the centrepiece of a living room. 

Really GOOP? You want a tray to be the centrepiece of your living room? What a shit living room that would be! And for $270, if you don't mind, thank you very much!

I think GOOP's gone mental. 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Chris Judd Haiku

I

Just because it sounds

Yum, doesn't make it cool you

Chicken wing tackler. 

II

Stop pretending and 

Just punch people in the face

Like the thug you are. 

RE: Afternoon naps with the winter sun on your face

My new work desk has 

A window and privacy.

Opportunity.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Some best things

Real life giraffes

So much better than cartoon

Approximations

Two bucks, five hours

Zoo parking treats you so right

Look and learn, PT

At home faux facial

With mostly Aesop samples

What a god damn treat

An afternoon nap

With winter sun on your face

Is the best, best thing

What we talk about when we talk about Miss Soft Crab (PM)

Haha. Core birdy temperature.

According to the research I have read pigeons actually have a core body birdy temperature of around 41 degrees Celsius! No wonder their crap feels so toasty warm against your skin!

Anyway, let me tell you about the Miss Soft Crab reading habits of Russeth. That guy totally reads this blog! He just doesn't read it daily. He doesn't read it for a while and then he will read a whole bunch of posts in a day. How do I know this? Because he tells me. Kind of.

Think your too good for us, Russeth?

Hey, we don't care how you read this blog, just don't lie about it. Ok! 

What we talk about when we talk about Miss Soft Crab(AM)

The other day I was having lunch with Russeth and I asked him if he had read Miss Soft Crab that day.

"No" he said, "I haven't been reading it lately".

'Why not?" I asked him. "Do you hate us?".

"Yes" he said, and then we both laughed and got on with eating our lunch. He doesn't really hate us. He was just making a joke. 

Later, we were walking back to our respective offices and we walked under a gantry, which is the name they give to that scaffolding they construct around buildings under renovation. It reminded me of that time I was walking under a gantry in NYC and a pigeon took a dump on me.

I decided to tell Russeth about the time I was walking under a gantry in NYC and a pigeon took a dump on me. In telling the story, I focused, as I always do, on how unexpectedly warm the pigeon poo was.

He said "Well, yeah, I guess it would be warm. Pigeons are warm blooded creatures."

We walked on a little, and he said "I wonder how warm pigeons actually are".

As soon as he said this, I immediately thought of a joke. It was the kind of joke I find extremely funny.  I felt a little flutter in my chest, such as I get when I know the opportunity to make my joke is fleeting, and if I don't move quickly then it will disappear completely. I opened my mouth and said:

"Yeah, like, what is their core birdy temperature?". 

Straight away, I started laughing at my joke, I guess you could say hysterically.  I am chuckling even now as a write this. 

Russeth looked at me and said

"That's why I don't read Miss Soft Crab", and he was only half joking. 


I don't care you guys. I loved my joke and I hope you love it too.

Eff you, sale season, eff you (PM)

Look, Russeth is right about the flood coming when you open the floodgates, but I think you should just buy that pink shirt dress because:
- it's really cute
- it's relatively affordable
- you can't take it with you when you go
- dusty pink is like my favourite colour
- if you came in to the city to buy it I could meet you on my lunchbreak and see whether that dress I tried on around the time of the Blizzie wedding but couldn't afford (and is from the same shop as that dusty pink dress) is on sale!

This is me right now

Eff you, sale season, eff you (AM)

You know how at the start of a season, if you are a shopper, like I am, you may see some things you like and you may buy a thing or two and you may covet a thing or two and maybe some you think you will revisit come sale season? Well it’s sale season guys and I am drowning!

In fact I don't think I have even bought anything in the sales. But I’ve been thinking about it so much I can’t even remember anymore, guys! I’m losing it, guys! I'm losing it. Because it has become a mad jumble of stuff and desire. 

Yeah, we bought a new doona (that baby is so warm I wish I was under it right now). And some new linen too. Because our old doona cover actually disintegrated, but those don't count. They were pretty much necessities and if you need those things, of course you buy them during the sales. No they don't count at all.  I'm talking about clothes, shoes and accessories, people. The things that came out this season and if you don't snap them up this season they could well be gone forever.

 

I told Russeth about this very cute shirt dress I wanted and he (he, who is a total stuff-lover and stuff-buyer) told me that I should resist, because much like sweet treats, when you open the flood gates, well then the flood comes.

But even though I haven’t opened the flood gates, I’m still drowning! I’m still thinking about that shirt dress. I’m thinking about a two-tone Alpha60 jumper I don’t think they have in my size any more. I’m thinking about a Gorman jumper that is now half price and I want real bad. But I am held back by some invisible internal, mental flood gate. I can’t buy anything and yet I can't stop thinking about stuff.

Just get away from me stuff. Leave me alone. And while you are at it why don't you jack your prices up like the petrol stations so I don't have to think how attainable you are.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to think of something to do today that isn't near shops. Again.

Get well soon, everybody! (PM)

Oh, sure, I've seen those Bupa ads. I guess Bupa stands for something. Stands for a pretty stupid name is what it stands for.

Every time I see those ads I spend the whole thing trying to figure out which one is the healthy person and which one is the sickly person. Sure, it's a little more obvious in that one you linked to, but in some where they focus on just one person there is so little difference I actually really can't tell.

Also, ummmm, I'm pretty sure it's bullshit. I don't have health insurance (I know it's really bad, I should get it. I will soon. I promise.) But I wholeheartedly think that if I did I would look exactly the same and be the exact same level of healthfulness. Maybe I'd look a little less cute because I would have less cash to spend on cosmetics and outfits. Yeah, eff you Bupa! Your ads are full of shit.

I would definitely still have the cold I have RIGHT NOW. How would you make that go away, Bupa? Huh? Could you give me my voice, which I have totally lost, back, Bupa? Would you buy me lozenges, Bupa?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

Get well soon, everybody! (AM)

I watched Downton Abbey last night. What a cracking episode!

Just quickly, some beloved Downtonians caught the Spanish flu and it made me really glad that my people who have colds now don't have the Spanish flu. That shit is nasty. Get well soon friends!

But back to last night's teev. During the ad breaks I kept seeing ads for some health insurance company called Bupa. I don't care for the name Bupa. It sounds an awful lot like the word pupa which is a gross word, even though it refers to a stage of insect transformation, which is kind of impressive. I don't really like insects, but I guess I admire the fact that they can undergo so much change and don't seem terribly traumatised by it. A lesson for us all, n'est-ce pas?

Anyway. 

In this Bupa ad, due to the magic of television, two versions of the same person interact with one another. A regular person, and a healthier version of the same person. I guess it's a good premise for an ad that's trying to sell health insurance. Healthier basically means better looking, so Bupa are basicaly showing us how we can look cuter if we buy their product. Health insurance =  sold, am I right? 

Not really, guys. 

Maybe you should check it out. 

Um, is it just me or is the only difference between the 'healthy' and the 'unhealthy' version of these people that healthy ones seem like smug fucks? I hate those douche-bees!

French Friday (PM)

Mon dieu, Mate! You have inadvertently created the best AM/PM segue that a girl could ever hope for.

Remember how you were all dreaming of France and it was like:

<<pretty picture of  La Jean Seberg et le Jean-Paul Belmondo>>

<<pretty picture of les vegetables>>

<<pretty picture of les voitures>>


<< pretty picture of  la pain>>


<< pretty picture of  le fromage>>


Then you were all onc onc onc,  because you were picturing le Vincent Cassel?

Then you were all *vroom vroom* I am thinking about Grace Jones giant mouth with a citroen driving out of it?

Well check it out, here is an ad that combines Vincent Cassel AND a car. And not just any car, a Renault Clio which, for those readers who do not know, is my very own beloved car.

This ad makes me feel like I am practically going out with Vincent Cassel and to that makes me want to onc onc onc!  Even though Le Flav told me that only grandmothers drive Clios in France, I don't care! The ad tells me everything I need to know!
Viva la France!

French Friday (AM)

Don't worry guys, French Friday is not a new thing. It is just today's thing. It is Bastille Day Eve, after all. And I fully intend to eat a croissant for breakfast. Any excuse, ay? Usually that excuse is just that it is breakfast time so I feel pretty happy that I have the excuse of Bastille Day Eve today. Oh, that's not a thing? Oh, we are not French? Yes, I see.

Well, given that we are not French I decided I should find out a bit more about Frenchness. As you know I get all my knowledge from the Internet so I typed  'French things' into Google and I am heaps more smarter now.

You see, I found that wiki.answers had a list to answer the question, 'What are 50 French things?' Really? A person really asked that question? Whatever. Here are some items on the list:

Gauloise cigarettes (Onc)
French accents in English (Onc onc)
Balconies with flower pots (ummm)
Topless sunbathing (onc onc onc)
Cars
Weekend in the country in spring

As you  can see the list does degenerate into things that just exist in places. But France is a place so I guess, yep, cars and weekends away exist there.

If K hadn't mentioned Bastille Day the other day I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it. But now that I am thinking about it, or rather thinking about France, maybe you'd like to know what it looks like inside my brain right now?

ONC! ONC! ONC!

But mostly inside my brain looks like this:

VIVE LA FRANCE!