Hunk of the Month Club: Viggo Mortensen

Today, Miss Soft Crab is delighted to introduce our greatest innovation since Haiku Thursday: the Miss Soft Crab Hunk of the Month Club, or HotMC. 

From now on, the last Friday of the month is going to be devoted to a very special hunk that Miss Soft Crab wants to spend a little time thinking about. You see, life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around every once in a while, you could miss it. That goes double for hunks. 

Who wants that? Not us. 

Welcome to the very first HotMC. And who better to pop our Hunk of the Month cherry than Viggo Mortensen, truly a hunk for all seasons. 

Fundamentals of this Hunk.

Viggo Mortensen is a 54-year-old hunk who, according to Wikipedia, had an American mother and a Danish Father. In addition to being an actor, Wikipedia advises that Viggo is also a poet, musician, photographer and painter. Where do you find the time, Viggo?

Times when you may have noticed what a hunk this hunk is.

Viggo was a baby-faced hunk in the film Witness with Harrison Ford. He is one of the amish guys who helped raise that barn in that great scene where they raise the barn!

He was then in a whole bunch of films that no one has seen, including Young Guns II and something called Black Velvet Pantsuit where he played the character of "worthless junkie". I feel weird about that. Some folks might have seen him in Portrait of a Lady, but I'm not one of them because that film seemed kind of annoying  to me so I never saw it. Hopefully you didn't see him in 28 Days with Sandra Bullock and McNulty, because that was a terrible film. But Viggo sure did look like a hunk in it.

Of course, we all saw him break the hunk mould in Lord of the Rings where he played Aragorn, rightful heir to the throne of hunks, I mean, Gondor.

Open discussion

Viggo in 28 Days. Don't watch it, it's terrible. 

J: Viggo is a top hunk! I love that guy. I have seen Portrait of a Lady but somehow I did not notice Viggo. WTF?! Also I have see Young Guns II but that was in the early nineties when I was too busy paying all my attention to Christian Slater - talk about misspent youth. Misspent on the wrong hunk!

Of course I have also seen 28 Days. I hate that film but have seen it about a million times, thanks to the Foxtel of K's youth and the lure of Viggo. Watched it on TV just the other night in fact. Didn't want to, but could not resist the lure of Viggo

But I think it is fair to say that for me, Viggo really came into his own/my top 20 in The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Hells yeah. If he hadn't been there maybe I would of gone gaga for Orlando. I did dig on his Legolas, but that kid didn't stand a chance next to Strider. 

K: I know, poor Orlando. Such a pretty little elf, but so useless in the face of Strider/Aragorn/Viggo.

Remember that bit in Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring when the fellowship are taking a little break and hobbits are capering about and then Viggo laughs? 

I remember that bit where Viggo laughs better than I remember entire years of my life.

I also think Viggo's recent collaborations with David Cronenberg have really consolidated his hunkiness. Take A History of Violence, where he combines extreme handsomeness with extreme creepiness for one of the headiest brews of hunkiness going around. Eastern Promises, where he is covered in tattoos and goes to the bathhouse for some naked knife fighting! Come here and do that, guy!

J: I think Orlando is doing fine without us on his side.

And SHIT! I hadn't thought about Aragorn laughing in god knows how long! Too long! I love that bit. I mean a brooding hunk is hot but a laughing hunk! Get the eff outta here!

And I totally agree about Cronenberg and Mortensen making totally beautiful music together. Both those movies are great. And Viggo, I especially love him as that fucked up Russian.

So what is it that makes Viggo such a boner bona fide hunk? Our first HotMC hunk?! Is it something like face+brooding+slight creepiness+rugged=megahunk ?

K:  I think you've heat the nail on the head there mate. Viggo is off the charts hunky because he is an handsome, slightly creepy, super masculine (but in that good way) megahunk. 


Another dimension of his appeal is the fact that he looks like a mature hunk. Viggo is not a young man. In fact, there is a 5 in his age and it's right there at the front. And he doesn't disguise it, nor try to look like a younger man. He just goes around looking like a really really hot middle aged man. 


J: I know; sometimes I feel a little conflicted about finding a man of 54 so attractive. Will a time come when I know longer find Viggo attractive? It's hard to imagine. I keep expecting to not find him attractive, you know. Same goes for Liam Neeson. You know we are in fact closer in age to Taylor Lautner.


K: #ohshit
    #ohwell


I also like how he seems like the type who would like animals and probably has a dog. Don't you think?

J: I bet Viggo loves dogs! 

Hot!

HOT!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Ode to the hair I found in my coffee cup after I finished drinking it

Too short to be mine.
Too discrete to be seen. I
Drank your bath water.

Ode to the cat who lives next door, but likes to hang out on my front door step

We could be friends, guy.

Why do you run away when

I've got tuna here?

Haiku Thursday (AM)

 

YELLOW!
So effing yellow,

Turmeric, making yellow

All over. YELLOW!

Mouse

I

The mouse in my house 

Doesn't seem to eat my food

Doesn't crap around

II

The mouse in my house

Is kind of cute, but come on

I can see you, guy

III

The mouse in my house

Tiny, with large, sweet ears

Still...wish he'd fuck off

The Rules of the Game (PM)

Yeah, I used to play Words with Friends. Obsessively pretty much. I couldn't go to sleep if I hadn't played at least one move. But then, as with all games on my phone, I just stopped. I got distracted one day or I had bad letters in all my games or I had to wait too long for people to make moves and then after a couple of days of waiting and not playing that was it. It was over for me.


Though I won't lie, when I saw that you had the letters TLautne in a game I pretty much wanted to start playing again right away to see if such magic would ever happen to me.

I had to republish this pic cause I love it so much

But I know miracles don't come around that often.

I hate it when people use words you can just tell they were trying their luck on too, mind you if I am playing someone I don't much like, I've been known to do the same thing. Then I don't like myself.

Also, Words with Friends is in American which is pretty annoying.

Maybe jagg is American for jag? Did you look it up on Mini Macquarie on iPhone? That thing knows less words than I do.

Anyway, now I play Draw Something.

The Rules of the Game (AM)

Remember last week, when my computer was broken? Remember how the wifi I normally use was also broken, and therefore I had to use the free wifi at the McDonalds over the road from my work to post on Miss Soft Crab? Well thankfully, that situation is now over and I now have pleasure in presenting the post that I would have posted last week, had technology not stood in my way.
It's all about the hit game Words With Friends. Lets begin!

So who here plays Words With Friends?
Me too!

I'm not very good at it, I seem to lose more than I win, but gee I like it.
For me, the joy of Words With Friends lies in being able to make awesome words.

Here are some awesome words I played one time.

I'm pretty sure I played Alpaca too. 

Sometimes, I like to go for an amusing word.

Sometimes, the universe is really on my side and gives me a set of letters that almost spell out the name of my favourite teen wolf.

That was such a great game

The pinnacle of WWF achievement, however,  is when I get to use all my letters on a single word. Like the time I played the word Crusades.

I love WWF. But you know what I don't like? When people makes fake words in a cheap attempt to grab the big scores. Words that they don't even know the meaning of, but have just tried their luck on. I did not realise this was a thing until recently. I was so naive. I mean, it would never even occur to me to do that. The only reason I play WWF is so I can make words! If I don't know the meaning of the word, then how can I have fun making it? I can't have fun making such a word. I just can't.  The fact that others can and indeed prefer to play WWF this way was a real rude awakening.

Check this shit out.

Jaggs? Jaggs?! The Macquarie Dictionary has no idea what this word means, because it is a fake word. That means that if you were a contestant on that show Letters and Numbers (which is a great show) and you tried that shit, Lily would not have a bar of it.

This particular opponent was a serial offender. Many games had been played, many fake words played within them. I just went along with it because it didn't interfere with my ability to form real words. But this goes too far. After my opponent played this word I immediately resigned the game. I can't have fun in these conditions.

Clothes + Seasons + Birthdays = Best personal looks (PM)

Hey, what a great science experiment! Lets test it out.

I'm a Summer baby myself, and while I love autumn and spring for their good light and their pretty colours,  summer is my true love.

And come to think of it, I guess I do kind of love the things you get to wear in summer. Like dresses (my other true love, the thing I prefer to wear above all other things), and boyfriend shirts over bathers with no pants when you are at the beach, or texting on your bike.

This looks works equally well when you are hanging about at your apartment on hot days, or when you get home from work and want to take your pants off, but wonder what that means, then ultimately think "what the hell, I'm an adult, I make my own decisions now".

I also love how you don't have to wear a jacket in summer, unless you are a potato and that's what you're in to.

But all of that ends in autumn. By the time May comes, its completely gone. Autumn is really just a brief period between the season where living (and dressing) is easy and the season where dressing is for survival.
Having said that,  I like autumn's colours and the opportunity to wear jumpers and stockings. And it's such a wistful time. So full of wist. That can be nice. But not as nice as summer. Summer is my true love.

Clothes+Season+Birthday=Best Personal Looks (AM)

I have a theory that a person loves the fashion of their birth season best. People may even love that season best. I am not sure yet. My study sample consists of me only, so the study definitely has limitations and future studies should consider using larger samples comprising of a variety of participants with birthdays across a spread of seasons.

You probably know that I love autumn best because I want to look like this:

But I think I want to look like that because it is the style that suits me best. Autumn style suits me best and I was born in autumn! Coincidence? I don’t think so. It was last autumn that I decided that it was time to dress every day to the fullest. And unconsciously the same thing happened this year about 2 weeks ago.  I started feeling like every day was a chance to wear a great outfit! No, I mean a really great outfit. Like I should always leave the house really happy with how I look. I love autumn!

I do also love spring. It is kind of like autumn in reverse, both have the mild weather for which you can dress according to style rather than need, both seasons have beautiful light, both seasons are a bit exciting. Transitions, right? So exciting.

So when the weather started turning I started getting a little excited. I love summer, I do, but usually by the time autumn comes around I am kind of ready for it. If only the long days could stick around. But I always forget that autumn lasts about 5 minutes before winter starts sticking its nose in like nobody’s business. I would have forgotten it this year too probably but when I read this post I wrote in May last year I was reminded all too well that my favourite autumn outfits are soon pushed out by the need for a more pragmatic approach to dressing. Or things I was excited about initially like new jumpers or chunky socks soon become hated after months of wearing nothing else. Shit, way to make me feel totally conflicted autumn.

Autumn Chutney (PM)

I love chutney club, but it has a lot to answer for.

I had a great time yesterday and everything was delicious, but last night I realised that I was feeling mildly sorry for myself that all I had got to eat with the chutney was cheese. And I'm not just talking a block of Bega. I'm talking some washed rind Pont Oohlala, an organic Stilton, d'Affinois. I mean a bunch of delicious cheeses. Some of the most delicious and I was disappointed that all the showcase food had been meat and all I could eat was the cheese! For shame. Moreover, I was as much to blame as anyone. That is, no-one is to blame, everyone just did what they had to do and that was cook meat. I respect that, I definitely don't want anyone to think I am coming down on them. I wanted to make a delicious showcase for my plum chutney but I was too busy and hayfevery this weekend. So I just took cheese. It happens.

Plus, all this cheese and chutney was followed by the freaking delicious creme caramel that Biz made.
And, yep, lucky for you guys I was not porked into a coma, so I did have the presence of mind to photograph it. Two times.



And there was beautiful hot chocolate and home made hot cross buns from Little Wonders and last night I was feeling a little disappointed?! I mean it was great! It was a great afternoon full of deliciousness and wonderful company!

Chutney club, you have spoiled me for cheese! What is wrong with us?!? I mean me. Whatever.

Autumn Chutney (AM)

Jam!

People have so many questions when you tell them you are in a Chutney Club.
Is it like a book club? They often ask. Do you pick a new chutney every month and then get together and share your interpretations of it? 
No, guys. Come on. That would be really boring. No one wants to hear their friends talk about their feelings for chutney, unless they wanted to feel bored or annoyed.

No, our Chutney Club is about eating chutney, and the things that go with it. We get together each season and exchange jars of chutney we have made. And by chutney, I don't just mean "a condiment used in south asian cuisine that usually contains a combination of spices and vegetables and/or fruits", which is how wikipedia classifies chutney. Wikipedia is obviously a total square. We would never limit ourselves like that.  We interpret chutney to be pretty much any condiment or pickled product, or anything else a member might like to make and put in a small jar and share. Also, jam. Our interpretation of chutney also includes jam. It's a good way of interpreting chutney.

Yesterday, the Chutney Club held its autumn meet. While Chutney Club is principally about making and sharing chutney, Chutney Club meetings are about eating a shitload of delicious things that can showcase chutney.

Typical Chutney Club table spread

Yesterday, the delicious things we ate included (and please note this is not an exhaustive list):
pork sausages and rye bread which we ate with spiced apple chutney that Welly made
corn chips which we ate with tzatziki that Miguel and Legsley made
crackers, a range of cheeses (no longer pictured) and olives (no longer pictured) consumed with all the chutneys and the cumin salt Blizzie made.

Plum Chutney, by J. Tzatziki in rear.

This was phase one of the meeting. Chutney Club meetings usually involve two informal phases. After a period of time grazing on cheeses and the like, phase two begins, during which our minds get blown by a particularly special chutney showcase item. Yesterday,  phase two consisted of no less than thee mind blowers.
First, the scallops with XO sauce served on fried wonton skins that I'm sure no one will be surprised to learn that David made.

Scallop about to get got

This photo can do no justice to the deliciousness of that little baby. And now, we all have home made XO sauce in our fridges! Score.

Then Biggie Little brought out pulled pork sandwiches, to showcase the mustard that he made.

I ate two of these

Pulled pork, people, pulled pork. Some kind of miracle happens when you put a pork shoulder in a dutch oven and cook it super gentle for a long time before pulling it apart then putting it in a bread roll with mustard. Gah, I have to stop thinking about this.

Finally, Biz brought out the finest looking Creme Caramel I've ever seen. It was the colour of autumn, readers, and if only I had the presence of mind to photograph it I could show you how beautiful it looked.  Of course, I was too far gone from the scallops and the pulled pork to do anything much at all by this point, but I'm pretty sure J held herself together a lot better than I did, so look out for that Creme Caramel in the PM.

This was autumn chutney. I'm really not ready for autumn but the chutney does soften the blow. 

Some things I saw one time (final word)

You mean this Zoltar who I met the very same day at Fisherman's Wharf???

Some things I saw one time (PM)

Shit you guys. I don't know about you, but this morning's post really reminded me of that scene in Big where baby Tom Hanks goes to the carnival and because he is still smarting from being passed over for an older guy by his high school crush, he asks an arcade game called Zoltar to make him "big" which of course, Zoltar does, thereby giving the film it's central story arc and whole raison d'être.  Those arcade games you saw in San Fran totally remind me of Zoltar.  And this whole situation makes me wonder why the Tom Hanks film Big seems to have had such a 'big' (ha!) impact on me. I haven't even seen it lately! Eff you Hanksy, get out of my head!

Some things I saw one time (AM)

One time I went to San Francisco and we went to Fisherman's Wharf and saw this old toys museum. Not toys really, games, arcade games.

Some 'games' were games. Some 'games' were just weird things with dancing guys in them.

Or monkeys.

Of course there were also psychic games. Like this one that you ask a question so you can "find out" the answer. It's pretty likely that any question you may have is represented here.

Mummy's answer?! What?

Then we saw a segway tour. HAHAHA.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Autumn 

I 

Of all the seasons 

Autumn is one of the best 

Makes top three, mos def

II 

Lasagne gets made 

The best season for dressing 

Red wine tastes delic 

III 

Colours of autumn 

Are spoken of most fondly 

Because they're lovely

Haiku Thursday (AM)

 

Haiku interpretations of all the things I thought whilst lying in bed this morning

 

Sure. Thursday is good. 

But Friday is heaps better. 

(Sorry Thurs, it's true.) 

And the days. How come 

The days gotta get so short? 

Stay long, why don't you?! 

At least some things don't 

Change. Like Cadbury Creme Eggs. 

And my love for them. 

Also, don't you think 

The Hunger Games looks kind of 

Great? Teens know their stuff.

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

This morning's post really reminded me of that scene in Big where Tom Hanks is at his sweet job at the toy company and is in a pitch meeting and his asshole colleague pitches some dumb toy that no kid would ever want to play with and Hanksy is all "I don't get it" and the suits are all wow! This guys is a genius the audience is all from the mouths of babes and go hanksy! and the like. Well if only Tom Hanks was in the room when that baby's first ATM got pitched, cos that shit is not right people, it is not right at all. As for video girl Barbie, I'm sorry but surely the only people interested in her are adults who want to use her as some kind of doing-it aide. She belongs on the shelves of SexyLand, not sharing shelf space with giant Elmo and giant Big Bird. WTF Myer, there are kids around!

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

So on the weekend I was in the Myer toy department. It's a great place to take Baby because there are all these giant toys, like giant Elmo, giant Big Bird, giant Thomas the Tank. It's like a theme park but for free.

Anyways I was there just trying to have a nice day with Baby but kept beng distracted by all these ridculous toys! WHAT THE EFF?!?! I kept askng myself. And I really had to say eff 'cause I was in a toy department.

First there was 'My first ATM'.

 

What the fuck?? How is that fun? A fucking ATM? That's not fun. How would you even play with that? They are big, like the size of a toddler and there was a whole shelf of them. Are people buying them? WTF???

Then, just as I was getting over the effing toy ATM I saw the new Barbie. Video Girl Barbie. It's a video and a Barbie. WHAT? Yeah, you see that black dot on her chest? It's a 'necklace' and a camera.

What the eff, guys? What the eff?!

Things aren't going so well (PM)

Mate, things are even worse than you thought! That link to the Shake Shack posts didn't work! Apparently you tried to link to posts about Shake Shac, and of course no such thing exists! Don't worry, I fixed it.

But then it meant things got bad for me because I started wishing that:

a) I was in New York;
b) I was eating a Shake Shack 'shroom burger;
or at least c) I was eating a a Beatbox 'shroom burger.

Sure, Melbourne's north side is much closer than NYC so I guess it is not impossible for me to eat a Beatbox 'shroom burger, but I also wonder will it ever be as good as that first one I had at Golden Plains 10 beautiful days ago. That motherflipping burger was motherflipping perfection. PERFECTION! Shit. Good luck getting on with the day now that freaking burger is in my head!

Things aren't going so well (AM)

Oh, hi guys. I hope you guys are in the mood to go a little rogue today. You see, today's post was going to be about Words With Friends, and how I really hate it when people play fake words in order to get cheap high scores. So annoying, right? However, due to a range of circumstances, this is no longer possible. What circumstances? I hear you ask. Ok, very quickly then: a) my computer is on the fritz b) I borrowed midbro's iPad while my computer is getting fixed and it turns out they are not as intuitive as apple would have you think. I have so many questions, including: i) How come it won't let me download photos from my gmail? ii) How come the Miss Soft Crab back of house section looks so weird? I can't find the button to make bullet points! iii) How am I supposed to blog in these conditions? (this is what we might refer to as a threshold question) c) the wifi I normally use is also on the fritz and I am therefore writing this from the McDonalds on Collins Street. You guys, it's horrible here. I have so many questions, including: i)Why are so many people eating McDonalds for breakfast on a Tuesday? ii)Why is the man next to me sitting so close? You could have your pick of seats dude, why are you getting all up in my business? Can't you hear me coughing? Are you trying to see what im writing on my ioad here? Keep looking friendo and pick up what I'm putting down! You're on motherflipping notice. d)I think my ability to problem solve declines when I am sick.

Those are the main circumstances. Anyway, I'm afraid the Words With Friends post is going to have to wait until another day and today's Miss Soft Crab is going to come from the vault. Lets remember simpler, happier times by revisiting all the Miss Soft Crab posts that refer to the Shake Shack. I recommend reading from the bottom, but things aren't going so well for me right now, so maybe do whatever works for you guys.

Internet, I don't even recognise you anymore (PM)

I found it so impossible to believe that we had not written any hilarious emails to one another on this day that I went and checked over my email records, just in case I had saved some nugget of gold that J had deleted. You guys, J is totally right, there is absolutely nothing in the archive. However, I did come across an email with the subject "Where are you, cat?" and nothing but the following picture in it. Such a good one.



Can you see the cat, guys?



Internet, I don't even recognise you anymore (AM)

So I had what I thought was a pretty great idea. I was going to write a post called 'On this day'* and I was going to find hilarious emails that K and I had written to each other on this day in years gone by. But by some perverse twist of fate it seems as if we have never written hilarious emails to each other on March 19th. I know, it makes no sense. At least there are none that are still in my email account anyways. What I learned though, by looking through old correspondence, is that the Internet has changed. That is, things that were there aren't there anymore. For example see this email exchange between K and me from May 2008.

ME: Hi mate. I am home sick today, i must get better before Saturday. Luckily though I have had a very productive day already having found some delights of youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXgWK7D3VQE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPSLNBs9REE&feature=related

hahahhahahahaha

K: Mate, that first one is so hilarious I could weep. The second is also wonderful, however the song accompanying the first takes my breath away. Hahahaha. Kudos to you mate. You know, I was thinking about that hilarious Boreanaz calendar you bought me just last night. I saw an ad for Bones and naturally my mind wandered to a less puffy version of Boreanaz. Such a good one. Its  a good idea that you are home sick today. As you noted, you must play this week very carefully. I hope you are not feeling too bad. How are you feeling, my friend? Are you going to watch Dr Phil? I wonder what he is talking about today...

THE FIRST VIDEO WAS SO HILARIOUS SHE COULD WEEP!!! Did you click that link??? Video no longer available! Forever, what I can only assume was a hilarious montage of David Boreanaz pictures set to music, is gone! Doesn't it make you upset???

Then there was this gmail chat I had with 'D' in February 2009 . This website still exists (and I encourage you to look at the photo gallery - the hedgehog is my favourite)  but it clearly has had a facelift.

D: http://www.animalrentals.com/images/Poochies/IrishSetter.jpg
Me: nice coat. not as handsome as my special guy
D: bit fat headed
Me: yeah. and how about that expression.
D: see the domain animal rentals!  red setter escort happy endings guaranteed!
Me: I know. I was just looking at it. creepy. i think that boxer would know how to have a good time though
D: very provocative stance. check out the bust on that Hunter
Me: PHWOAR. I thinkthat Wrapper may have been in the business way too long.
D: well haggard
 

Firstly, I don't think they still have a section called "Poochies" and secondly the pictures no longer look like they are pimping pets in quite the same way. 

At least some things are constant. Please click this link sent to me in December 2010.

D: The handstand is the worst

http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/12/10/awkward-pregnancy-photos.html

Me: When I read that I was all, "wow, i can't believe I never did a handstand when I was pregnant" and then I saw that photo and, well, I... I have nothing

Yes, the  handstand is still the worst.

*On this day in 1955 Bruce Willis was born. Happy birthday Bruce Willis.

Beware The Ides of March (PM)

Oh, The Gos. I thought it might come to this.

The first time I saw The Notebook I was on a plane going somewhere far away. And LB was in Australia. Needless to say I pretty much fell in love with The Gos. Then I saw Lars and the Real Girl. And I still loved him, he is totally adorable in it. But then everyone was always going so nuts for him and though he is undoubtedly pretty, his features are quite small but he has that large jaw, and so I became conflicted. (Now, readers you should know something about me. When people are going apeshit for a person it puts me off them. I don’t want to be this shallow but I am. I can’t help it. There was a point once when, because everyone was always going on about how great Robert De Niro is, I would chose Joe Pesci over De Niro when they were pitted against each other in ‘Would you rather’! I know! I see the error of my ways now.)

Anyways, I went off the Gos. But friends, things change. You remember how K and I felt about the Oscar coverage, right? You thought you saw our whole conversation? You didn’t. After the coverage ended my phone went flat and we switched to Facebook chat. Here is an excerpt of our conversation:

K: Speaking of hot youth, would Joey Gordon Levitt make it in to a top 20?

J: Oh, yeah, top 20 for sure I think. Twenty is a lot of people

K: Jake Gyllenhaal

J: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. Even though where the eff is he???

K: Where was Jake tonight? Worthington! Where was Worthington?

J: Worthington!!! YES! Where was he?? Even Gosling would have been something!

K: I have a halfie for Gosling, I wouldn't have minded a little Gos at all.

J: I have a quarty for the Gos

K: Hahahaha

J: I know now I am hysterical. I think it's the lack of hunks that made me this way

K: HAHAHAHAH

J: #laughorcry

And then a couple of weeks later I had a (g-rated) dream about The Gos. I think in the dream we worked together or something, but I’m pretty sure he was totally crushing on me. Well, I think we all know who is on the verge of joining the top 20 list. Shit.

Beware the Ides of March(AM)

So as we all know, yesterday was the Ides of March which naturally got me thinking about The Gos. 

For the longest time, I have not understood why people love The Gos so damn much. It's a worldwide phenomenon that I can not comprehend.

I've tried to get on board. I've seen all his stupid films, but they did not help me understand the situation. I thought The Notebook sucked and I thought Blue Valentine blew.  

Crazy, Stupid, Love should have been called What, A, Piece, Of, Shit. 


I really don't get it.

Don't get me wrong. I get that he is pretty. I mean, Miss Soft Crab is not blind. Miss Soft Crab has eyes and can see that The Gos is pretty. Miss Soft Crab has uttered the odd phwoar! when watching a Gos film. But mainly, Miss Soft Crab is unmoved by The Gos and wonders why the heck everyone goes so apeshit for him. Why, readers, why?

Like I said, I was pondering this yesterday because it was the Ides of March. And also because I was home sick from work and watched Half Nelson on DVD. When it finished I thought to myself yep, I still don't get this whole Gos phenomenon. He's not for me. No sirree. He ain't no real hunk. He is just some pretty baby. That's all. The rest of the world can have The Gos. I'll take my hunks over The Gos any day. I bet that movie Drive isn't even that good.  Maybe I should go rent it and find out.

I don't know if it was the fever or what but by the time I roused myself from this internal monologue darkness had fallen and I realised I had been lying on the couch thinking about The Gos for a couple of hours.

What the eff is wrong with me, guys.  I think I love The effing Gos.

Haiku Thursday (PM)

FROM MY SICK BED

Conversations with my sore throat

I

You sure are sore, throat.

Like I swallowed a bunch of

Rose thorns. Ouch, throat. Ouch.

 II

Next time, perhaps try

a bit harder to resist

infection. OK?

III

Hey, I'm sorry throat. 

I know you're doing your best.

Mostly you're quite good.

IV

It's just that daytime

TV is really bad and

I need a scapegoat.

V

Here, throaty baby.

Have this nice hot cup of tea.

And get well soon, 'k?

Haiku Thursday (AM)

 

 FROM MY WINDOW

Days

Seems just yesterday

Days were getting longer. Now, 

Shorter already.

Lightning

You are one hot bitch,

Lightning, flashing all over 

The sky like that, yeah.

Rain

 Lightning, you bringing

Your friend the rain? Just asking.

My washing's out there.

 

WTF? Wednesday (PM)

Oh. Oh geez mate. What did those eggs look like? You weren't eating barkers' eggs were you?

As long as they looked like eggs and smelled like eggs and tasted like eggs, I think they were eggs. If they didn't, then I think you had dog shit for dinner.

WTF? Wednesday (AM)

I had eggs for dinner last night.
I am really tired from the weekend you see.

And, I love eggs.

 

I was having the best time of it until I saw this picture on the side of the box, and became concerned:

 

That ain't no chicken!

What the hell kind of operation are these cowboys running?

 

What I'm thinking about in my car (PM)

Personally, when I'm in my car, I am:

• averting my eyes to avoid catching the slightest hint of a My Family sticker
• singing along to Graceland 
• thinking that I really should put some other CD's in the car, because Graceland  has been the only one for months now and I am getting really sick of it.

Sometimes I also pay attention to the names of businesses around me, like that time I was in Cheltenham and encountered a hairdresser's called Second Opinion Hair.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

What I'm thinking about in my car (AM)

Now the world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some. And, you know, few places is that more evident than on a car. Have you seen what people put on their cars? And I’m not just talking frangipanis or your old fashioned bumper stickers, which I try to ignore for fear of being morally or aesthetically offended. But then I started seeing those disgusting ‘My Family’ stickers everywhere and I couldn't ignore them anymore more. I am not sure what I find more offensive. The fact that people feel the need to put a ‘picture’ of ‘their family’ on a car or that people want their family depicted in such a fashion as this:

 

Ugh. (These idiots not only put this picture on their car, they then put it on the Internet too! WTF?!)

The other thing that sometimes has me asking questions is business names. I know it makes total sense to have your business name on the side of your car or van. It gets you so much exposure. Over summer I saw a medical waste disposal van for a company called Sweeney Todd. Are you all familiar with the story line of the smash hit musical Sweeney Todd? It’s about a barber who starts killing his patrons so the pie shop owner in the neighbourhood can turn their bodies into pies. What self respecting hospital administrator would employ such an ill-names medical waste disposal company?!? 

 

And what about personalised number plates?! One car I see around has plates that say RAGER. I bet you are, guy. Last night I saw plates that said BOTOXU. Like Botox you? What? What the fuck? I have so many questions about what the fuck that is about. Unlike the plates I saw on a Porsche 4-wheel drive recently that said PORSCHE. That just made me ask the questions ‘What happened to you when you were a child?’ and ‘How small is your cock?’