Another day in NYC

I did a little shopping in Soho yesterday, and decided to stop off at La Esquina for lunch.
A very entertaining thing happened while I was there. But first, the tacos.

I really had a hard time deciding which one to get. Check out this menu. Every single one sounds delicious, right? I knew I couldn't make a bad choice, but I wanted to choose the most delicious one. What if I stuffed it up and only got a moderately delicious one??!! This kind of thing haunts me.

I made a snap decision to get the Cochinita Pibil - pulled pork, shredded cabbage, habanero pickled onions and jalapeno. I felt pretty good about the decision, but you know. Lingering doubts. Anyway, I sat down and waited for them to call my name, and that's when the entertaining thing happened.

Let me quickly set the scene first. La Esquina seems to be super popular with people who are young and stylish. Hipsters, if you will. They spill out over the footpath forming a nonchalant throng while they wait for their delicious treats. I sat inside and watched them through the window. Usually in this situation I would be staring at what people are eating, and then recalibrating how good I feel about what I have ordered based on how delicious the other meals look. But no one seemed to be eating. They were just waiting. So I looked at them waiting.

While doing this, I saw two people holding a camera approach a lady who was standing on her own. She was a stylish lady, wearing jeans and a blazer and looking kind of casual and chic like some people manage to do when wearing jeans and a blazer, as opposed to 'boring' or 'frumpy' or 'like they are trying too hard'.

Anyway, they smiled and chatted then the lady stood back and posed while the others took photos of her.

They seemed to give her instructions in between photos, because she would do things like button up her jacket, then unbutton it, then stand front on, then side on etc. etc. while the people snapped away. The whole thing was kind of bizarre, but super fun to watch. After a while they stopped taking photos and gave the lady a business card.

I imagined that they were fashion bloggers and they they were telling her where and when she could see her picture. But who knows.

Anyway, entertaining as this was, it was nowhere near as awesome as listening to the commentary from the people who were sitting next to me, who can only be described as massive tools. It went a little something like this:
First tool: "Oh my god, the shape of her jacket is amazing."
Second tool: "Totally. The way that it kicks out behind her is perfect for her figure. And that chic little purse, its so perfect".
First tool: "I know, right?"
Needless to say, their commentary was very different from my internal commentary, which went a little something like that lady is tall.... I like her hair... she could really use a taco though, look at the size of her...I probably don't need a taco right now...but I work hard and I'm on holidays, I deserve a taco!

It got really hilarious when they started talking about her shoes, which where greyish ballet flats. They were going on and on about how the shape of them was incredible and very sexy. Fucking ballet flats! I was all ready to take a photo of the shoes to illustrate how ridiculous these statements were when this happened:

At this point the rest of the world melted away and it was just me and my tender, delicious, juicy jalapeno rich taco. Its deliciousness was off the charts. I loved every single little bite. I plan to go back and try more, just in case they are all this delicious.
So that's what I did yesterday.

Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa

Oh man, Die Antwoord really were the bestest.
Like you, I felt afraid when the DJ person came out in the creepy mask. Unlike you, I didn't have any recent experience of seeing their videos to provide comfort, even subliminal comfort, because I am the original square. Not that being a square needs to be a competition. We can both be squares.

But seriously, I had no idea what I was seeing, but it didn't take long for me to realise that what I was seeing was formidable. I guess the fact that they began their set with Enter the Ninja contributed to the rapid blowing of my mind. That song rules! My mind was again blown when immediately after that song, the girl in front of me turned around and asked "have they played Ninja yet?". I replied "um, I think so". But that's by the by.

Anyway, congratulations on your run. All runs are a win in my book. And listening to Die Antwoord while running is a first class idea. I should do that. I have a playlist I like to listen to while running. It's called Untitled Playlist #3. Would you like to know what's on it? Here it is:

Heart of Glass - Blondie
MOR - Blur
Wordy Rappinghood - Chicks on Speed
Lust for Life - Iggy Pop
Paper Planes - M.I.A
Wanna be Starting Something- Michael Jackson
What Difference Does it Make? - The Smiths
Soma - The Strokes
Push It - Salt N Pepa

I don't know what it's like for you, but for me, running is no picnic. From Heart of Glass to Paper Planes, I pretty much want to die. But at some point, usually around the time Wanna be Starting Something starts, I start to get slightly in to it. Then, when MJ starts singing "Ma ma se, ma ma sa ma ma coo sa" I am totally in to it.

Then things go bad again. But I know Push It is coming and I love that song so I keep going. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to make it work.

In other news, you know who goes for a run every day? FRAGY!
Do you forgive us Fragy?
Hugs?*

*I totally took this photo myself at the K Mart near St Marks Place!

Fu*k, this is like, the coolest song I ever heard in my whole life

So I finally went for a run. Basically every night for the last 9 months I've thought I should go for a run and finally I did it. I think it was made much easier for two reasons. I only had a 15 minute babysitting window, which meant I was forced to make it quick. Also Die Antwoord was on my iPod. The best running music!

Remember when we saw them? (I know you do, it was only 3 months ago.) We were so innocent then. We ate our delicious Indian dinner with Bees and Fragy,* and innocently went along to what we thought would just be a great M.I.A show, little did we know our minds were about to be totally blown by something other than M.I.A.** Remember how the Die Antwoord DJ came out with that creepy mask on and those dark beats. (Initially when I tried to find a picture of the Die Antwoord creepy mask all I could find was a picture of Slipknot. HAHA. Slipknot.) And frankly I was kind of terrified. I kind of thought I didn't want to walk to my car by myself after the show.



And when Ninja came out the fear deepened. But then as I started writing a text to Russeth explaining how to make custard for ice-cream while Enter the Ninja played my old friend hysteria set in, and it was in the midst of that hysteria I realised that Die Antwoord aren't scary (yes they are) they are FREAKIN HILARIOUS AND AWESOME (and a little bit scary).

***

While watching them that night I realised that I actually did kind of know who they were. They were this band; I'd seen that video a few months earlier. I'd thought at the time, "Ewww, who are this creepy fucked up band?" But MY GOD they are a creepy, fucked up, hilarious, awesome band. They are totally mind blowing. But for some reason I hadn't been able to tell at the time. All that time. That beautiful time I could have had with them. Gone. Gone, because I am such a square.

That night we saw them I wrote to Russeth later telling him that until he'd written an ice-cream recipe while watching Die Antwoord he hadn't lived. He told me he wanted to see them and asked "Doesn't Yolandi Vi$$er remind you of Chickpea if she'd gone totally wrong? Or maybe totally right?"

"TOTALLY RIGHT!!!!!"

Thank you Die Antwoord for being so awesome.

*Hi Fragy, I hope you have forgiven us.
**M.I.A was totally great, I don't want anything I say about Die Antwoord to detract from the awesomeness of her.
***The great pictures used here are not mine. They are from all up in the interweb.

What only a mother could love

Did your mother really say those things? The horny dogs? The Benjamins? I can hardly believe it!!

And I think there is nothing wrong with you accepting happy Mother's Day wishes. You are not Jesus, but I bet you accept Merry Christmas wishes. They are just wishing you a happy day. What's wrong with that.

Mother's Day in Melbourne was miserable. It poured rain. But we managed to bring some brightness to our day.

Chickpea, Russeth and I painted a triptych for Mum. This lead to quite a hilarious declaration from her, but I'll get to that.

So Chickers decided we should paint this fluoro triptych. One picture each obviously. She had a couple of ideas for the theme:

1. Draw a creature across the three canvases. So one of us draws a head, another the body, the other the legs. Hilarity! We tried this on paper. Hilarity. We dismissed the idea.

2. Each of us draws a picture of ourselves emerging from our mother. Our births. Dismissed.

Then Russeth suggested Polish landscapes. We researched this on the Google and found some nice landscapes. The idea eventually developed into paintings to represent phases of her life.

Here's a guy that needs no introduction:



And if you don't recognise this as Carlton in the '60s there is clearly something wrong with you.


Cocktail in Elsternwick, anyone?


Mum LOVED them. On Sunday night I saw her looking at the three paintings.



That's when she said that funny thing I mentioned earlier, "They are like Howard Arkley paintings." HAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh mum, you really do love us.

A string of pearls from my Mother

Today is Mothers day in NYC, and my Mum and I celebrated by shopping. All the shopkeepers wished my Mum a happy mothers day which was nice. Some of them wished me a happy mothers day too, which made me feel embarrassed at first but after a few times I thought jeez, it's not like I can't use the good wishes, so I started smiling and saying "thank you so much!" in response. It was a victimless crime.

Meanwhile, as a tribute to my Mum, I would like to share a small sample of the cute and hilarious things she has said over the past week. Let me stress that this is a very small, random sample. I could have cast a net through any of the things she has said this week and found as many pearls. These ones just stick in my mind.

When walking past two maltese terriers who were humping one another:
"Look K, they are cute, fluffy and super horny!"

After opening the curtains in the hotel each morning:
"Good morning New York City!"

When walking along a crowded footpath in earshot of a million people:
"Darling, could you please move over, I'm right on top of a crack!"

And my personal favourite....

When handing over a $100 bill to a shopkeeper:
"I just love the smell of these Benjamins!"

It's a hard knock life

The only thing better than (as good as) beer and salty bag snacks between sightseeing and dinner are naps! Such a good one.

I guess parents and fake uncles are always gonna be parents and fake uncles, ay? Even in NYC. Maybe especially in NYC. Why they gotta be so annoying. That is to say why we always gotta be annoyed by them. It is the curse of being the child. It is a blessing too. I mean no disrespect to my mums or your mums. I just mean, as the offspring of someone we are always gonna be annoyed by them. This in turn leads to us feeling bad about ourselves, which in turn leads us to being more annoyed (with ourselves) and then there is just nothing but bad feelings. Then, hopefully good feelings when we realise all the ways our folks are great and let's just love those adorable bastards.

I kind of think that joke about the rat chihuahuas is funny. But there you go! Cause it wasn't my mum and fake uncle making that joke. So I don't have to feel annoyed by them. God, being a teenager is hard. Shit, I mean, growing up is hard. I mean, being a grown up is hard.

A day in NYC

Today was our first proper day in NYC.

Uncle G arrived late last night and we sat around drinking American beer and planning what to do on our first day. We all agreed that we would just take it easy, perhaps walk uptown and see where we ended up. This started out promisingly enough, but it quickly became apparent that they were looking to me to be some kind of navigator/tourguide. They started pointing at things and saying "what's that building?", and then looking at me expectantly. The first few times I good naturedly responded with "ooh, I'm not sure" but after I while I started to feel the burden of two adults depending on me for all of their information needs, and I became agitated. I started saying things like "Look guys, I've only been here once before!" and "how am I supposed to know, sheesh!" but they kept asking questions.

In addition, the two of them kept making 'humorous' observations, such as the following exchange which occurred when we went to the Thompson Square Park and watched the dogs in the off lead area, including a few chihuahuas:
Mum: "Aren't they beautiful!"
Uncle G: "Yes, but I had no idea New York's rat problem had become so bad"
Mum: *Nyuk nyuk nyuk*
Me: *Forehead slap*

By the time we got to the Flatiron district I had had enough. I knew I needed to find a quiet place and regroup, so I told them that they should stay in one spot while I walked around and found the best vantage point from which to take a photo.
They totally bought it.

There they are at the bottom right of the frame, blissfully unaware of my plot and looking so small and fragile against the backdrop of that big building. I started to feel guilty for being irritated and wanted to repent. I asked them where they wanted to go next and Mum's little face lit up when I suggested the Empire State. So off we went.
While I thought I wasn't one for big views, I found it surprisingly enjoyable. Hella windy, of course. But quite fun.

We are back at the apartment now and everyone is napping before dinner time.
Such a good one.

Unneccesary anxiety over cooking stuff is the WORST

As someone who has already eaten half a jar of your apple jelly, let me tell you that all of that anxiety was worth it. I'm sorry that you had to experience it, but it was totes worth it. That stuff is delicious. And so pretty and rosy.

The part where the glass jar breaks is for me, the most disappointing. I understand how the cleanliness of the glass break made you think twice about whether you could save the jelly. It reminds me of this one time, when I was hanging out with the Neamester drinking beer, she somehow broke some glass off the top of her stubby. A brand new fresh stubby. As with yours, it was a totally clean break, and I thought sheesh, just pour it in to a glass, you don't want to waste that fresh stubby. She was totally on board with this plan until her boyf at the time, who was the caring type, swooped in and confiscated the stubby. We sulked a little as he poured it down the sink, but then we heard the sound of tinkling as the fragments of glass fell out of the bottle. Whoopsie! Oh well, live and learn I guess.

Sometime you must tell the folks about the brown butter you made and how it blew everyone's minds when you premiered it at the last chutney club.

Whinge disguised as help

So I just wanted to talk about that time I made apple jelly. It was a few weeks ago now but I've been thinking about how the recipe could have been a bit more helpful.

I was making David Lebovitz’z apple jelly. You know, I was kind of worried about it. Thinking, really I just add sugar to apple juice and it makes jelly? I read all the comments just in case there were any other hints (of course there weren’t and it was just a useless bunch of “oooh, David, that looks amaaaaazing”) and then set about making it. The recipe looked so simple (as you can see for yourself) and in some ways it is. You do just chop apples and let them drain in some cheese cloth over night. You do just put the juice in a pot with some sugar and lemon juice, boil to 104°C and check if it sets by putting a drop in the freezer and voilà, apple jelly. But it is all the details that are missing that could have made this so much less anxiety producing. And you know what, it made me really appreciate Deb again. Sure Smitten Kitchen is not what it used to be, but if Deb has an issue in the kitchen she lets you know about it so that you won’t have that problem. And I really, really needed that yesterday.

The Perfect Scoop pretty much changed my ice cream making life, and I am in no way coming down on DL, but I realised I don’t think that I’ve ever cooked from his website before and I don’t know if all his recipes on the site are like this, but I felt a little tricked by this simple recipe.I'm all for cutting the bullshit, but a little more exposition really would have helped.

Firstly, he tells you not to press on the apples while they are draining because you will get a cloudy jelly. But Mate, when the juice is all drained IT’S CLOUDY! . It was cloudy and there was nothing I could have done about that, but just a little note to assure one that cloudy is normal and your jelly will clear up would have made me feel better going into it.

Secondly, did you know that to heat juice and sugar to 104°C it is going to bubble the shit out if itself? He says use a large stock pot but, dude, that pot needs to be double the size of the liquid amount because it really just bubbles like a bastard. Moreover did you know that to get juice and sugar to 104°C you really need to keep the flame high? Real high and that if your pot isn’t big enough that shit will spill everywhere? Well it’s true.

Just a few simple notes like this and I think that the whole process would have been so much quicker and smoother. But as it was I had to change pots and keep turning the heat down then up because of the bubble factor and it meant that I didn’t think I would ever get to 104°C or that the jelly would ever jelly up. It was stressful. But eventually when I got it in the giant pot and could keep that flame up the jelly became the beautiful jelly DL promises.

And yet, the annoyance did not end there. Because right towards the end of jarring up one of the jars broke right into the jelly! I was holding the jars over the jelly because of the spillage factor and a jar just broke. The heat I guess. And while it was the cleanest break I have ever seen (seriously, when you put the broken piece back against the jar you can’t even tell it has been broken) I felt like I could not keep jarring up in case there was a sliver in there and the jelly had to go. It was only one jar worth really, maybe two, but what a total drag.

Well, I hope this hasn’t been too much of a downer, at least if you ever try to make apple jelly perhaps you will have a better experience. On the upside I did get to use my lovely new measuring spoons.


And I learnt some valuable lessens.

Confused and delighted by Washington

Not to harp on about it, but there is a topless George Washington statue and Tim Burton couldn't even get Marky Mark to get his top off once in Planet of the Apes. WTF!? But hang on, I'm not sure what is more WTF? Because, um, I'm not sure if I'm the only person that thinks this is weird, but why is there a statue of George Washington wearing nothing but a sheet? Dude, that is some messed up shit! A SHEET! He has his wig on. You know, he was obviously in the process of getting dressed, and then he and his publicist and the sculptor all decided that it was a good idea to just stop right there and start sculpting. Mate, I am having a hard time dealing with this. How you gonna respect a dude in a sheet? I hope Obama's publicist hasn't seen this. And why is G.Wash so ripped anyway? I mean, dude is really ripped. Mmmmm. Ripped.

Your trip to WDC is pretty much blowing my mind actually. First topless, ripped George Washington! Then pink fairy armadillos! I am so glad I clicked your wiki link. 9-11cm!!!! That is so freaking cute. I feel like until I see one of those cuties in real life I won't be happy. Which is annoying, because after I saw Bob Dylan a couple of weeks ago I really thought to myself, 'I feel great, now I've seen all I need to see.'

And then the pink fairy armadillo comes along and throws everything out. I guess it was bound to happen.

What was best for me though was to see that even though you are holidaying with your mum, that time between siteseeing and dinner is still being spent with beer and a salty snack in a bag. I love that about holidays. Especially the choosing of the salty bag snack. I hope those spicy babies were delicious. But it just brings home what a weird place Washington is, because, um, 'red hot' isn't a flavour.

A day in DC

I'm in Washington DC.

The West Wing!
Abraham Lincoln!
The American Flag!

SUCH a famous place. We spent the day at the Smithsonian Museum and I learnt some things, like:

Soviet nuclear missiles are extremely scary!

The Apollo 11 lunar module is really small and does nothing to reverse my suspicions that the whole thing was a bunch of BS.

The pink fairy armadillo is completely adorable!

George Washington was ripped!

Julia Childs' kitchen was nice and really well stocked.

My Mum loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Ha! Not really, but she does love big machines like planes and space ships. It's weird.

Right now, we are getting ready to go out for dinner, and doing this:

Pretty good, huh?

If I were Jay-Z

I'm afraid that this is the closest I can get to being Jay-Z.
I love your album, BTW.

J: MISS SOFT CRAB is incredible—aesthetically, culturally … When did you get the idea to start it and how long have you been working on it?

K: Great question Mate, what do you base your answer on? Well, as you know, I’ve been spending half my working day emailing you for years now, and I guess I started to feel like it was getting pretty ridiculous, and I should probably start making more of an effort to do more work. But how to do enough work to respect myself while also maintaining the delightful to and fro of ideas that I have enjoyed with you for so long? What happens when I have something to say about foods, about things that have happened, or about gentlemens? What happens when YOU have something to say about these things? It took a pretty long time to figure out that maybe we should write a bloggy, but once we did Miss Soft Crab was born.

J: I love seeing everything through your filter, how do you decide what you are going to cover? How personal is this?

K: I don’t understand this business about my filter. Is a filter a thing that I have, like a gallbladder? If so, I feel weird about people looking at ‘everything’ through it. Get your own filter people! Plus, here at MSC we don’t talk about everything, we just talk about some things. We decide on those things based on the fact that that’s the stuff we talk about all the time. We talk about those things over and over. To say that we talk about everything is really overstating it.

J: As someone who has walked through museums with you, eaten with you, heard music with you, I know firsthand how creativity in all areas lifts your consciousness. Do you feel that as a cultural figure of importance it is part of your responsibility to share what inspires you?

K: Totes. People need to hear about what I have eaten, what is going on with my friends, how I feel about Marky Mark and other hunks. They need to hear about this because I am really special – fact, not opinion. It’s my responsibility to share the specialness, share my thoughts about things. If you expect me to shirk this responsibility then you are going to be majorly disappointed.

J: In one word answers, name someone or something in food, music, art and design, style, and sports that inspires you today and your favorite spot to be leisurely.

K:

• Food: OASIS BAKERY. I liked it how they knew that even though felafel wraps are a great meal, sometimes you need chips to go with them. But mainly I loved that hot sauce that tasted like what would happen if chilli and vinegar spent a beautiful night together and had a baby.

• Music: MUPPETS. I like how they sing everything they think and feel. And I like how they move their arms around when they dance. They pretty much have only one dance move, which I relate to.
• Art: Oh come on Mate, give a girl a break. I like all the stuff I am supposed to like, OK? Lets just leave it at that.
• Style: WELL DRESSED OLD LADIES. Those well groomed ones you see in groups in the city sometimes. I love those ladies and I want them to teach me how to look nice.
• Sports: I like these guys.

• And my favorite spot to be leisurely is everywhere, all the time. Naturally.

J: You are the coolest (wo) man on Earth, how the f did you get like that?

K: I try really hard all the time, and I copy other people who seem like they are cool. That’s how. Oh, and if you want to be cool like me, you should probably have said ‘how the fuck’ instead of ‘how the f’. People think swearing is really cool.

If I were GOOP...

Oscar-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow emailed Jay-Z and said, “I love your new site. Can I ask you five questions about it?” Jay-Z said, “I’ll show you mine if you let me see yours.” And the whole affair was pretty nauseating. We decided to do a fuckyoute tribute and answer their questions ourselves.

KK: The public at large is discovering your ability to sing. When did you first discover you had that talent?

J: Are they? My mother has a terrible voice but was always singing around the house, so god knows where my brother and sister and I got our musicality from. I’ve pretty much always known I had this awesome ability to sing. I always thought that somewhere down the line I would dust off my pipes and use them. I haven’t. But yeah, I guess it was pretty great when karaoke became a normal thing to do. I felt happy that I could share my gift with other people. What I don’t really understand is why GOOP sang at Royal Albert Hall with Jay-Z when I don't get invited to sing anywhere! That was a surprise to me as much as anybody else. .

KK: Personally I was very surprised at your extensive knowledge of hip-hop songs. Particularly how you can sing ’90s hip-hip songs word for word. I can’t even do that! How does a girl from Wesley discover hip-hop?

J: Well, like GOOP and every other white girl over 30 I first was exposed to hip-hop when I was a kid in the late 80s. There was the Beastie Boys, Public Enemy, Run-DMC, LL Cool J, N.W.A . Frankly I don’t understand why you think it's a big deal, let alone why Jay-Z thinks it is a big deal, to know the lyrics to some ‘90s hip hop. Listen to some hip-hop Jay-Z. Sheesh.

KK: Does that extend to pop and rock music as well? Did you do the whole lace gloves circa Madonna and flannel shirts in the ’90s circa Kurt?

JL: Yes.

KK: Speed round: Miles or Coltrane?

JL: Pah, jazz, who gives a shit.I can just imagine GOOP and Jay-Z sitting around listening to Miles Davis together. So gross.

KK: The Beatles or the Rolling Stones?

JL: Beatles

KK: Patsy Cline or Billie Holiday?

JL: Groan, Paltrow thinks she is so good loving all that black music. I’m not afraid to say Patsy. I think Billie is so great, but I love this song so much.

KK: Biggie or PAC?

JL: Biggie. Of course.

KK: Michael or Prince?

JL: Prince. It pains me that GOOP and I have so many of the same answers.

KK: And finally, would you ever make a solo album?

JL: God! YES PLEASE! Mate, I have never, ever wished you were anyone but you, but right now I really wish you were Jay-Z so you could produce my solo album. I’m totally covering that Patsy Cline song on it. God, what else is going to be on it...I guess ‘I think I love you’. And Purple Rain. A 25 minute extended mega mix. My album would be so much better than GOOP by GOOP.

You make me want to GOOP

Oh, Mate. Can I just say that today has been such an annoying day and GOOP and Jay-Z have done nothing to help. NOTHING! Why they gotta be so annoying? GROAN times infinity. Mate, I guess Jay-Z may well be a dickhead. Just because he sounds dope and his wife has that beautiful charming smile, I guess maybe it doesn't mean what we would like it to mean. It feels bad though, doesn't it? With GOOP at least you know what you are getting. This annoying little princess. I, as you know am only a casual GOOP reader. It's the difference between you and me. You will subject yourself to films like Eat, Love, Pray, whereas I'd rather stick hot blacksmith tools, pokers I mean, in my eyes. So I only read GOOP occasionally, rather than subscribe. But I guess when I do read it I get some sort of sick enjoyment out of it. So perhaps I am finally beginning to understand you.

So this is what is ridiculous about that GOOP post. She is GOOP, for god sakes! GOOP! Why she gotta tell the world, "ooh, I'm besties with Jay Z." Is that what she thinks we wanna hear? We know who you are GOOP. Keep it to yourself.

You know the other day I was on Amazon and Amazon is always all, "Hey buy these cookbooks you little cookbook buyer." And I was all, "Chut up Amazon, let me just casually browse your cyberpages." Until Amazon told me I might like this. And I thought, "No I wouldn't, but K might." And I was totally about to buy it for you until I read about it and it was all, "cooking with and for your family, blah blah, goop goop, it's so great, I'm mother earth." And I thought maybe it was insensitive to buy such a book for a single lady and I wished Beyonce would write a cookbook. BAM.