The Oscars 2012 (or Thank You Christian Bale or Innocence Lost)

I feel like perhaps we should apologise in advance for the warped focus of our Oscars coverage. But I also feel like it was not our fault. If you are interested in reading about outfits, you have come to the wrong place. If you want to know about movies, you are also in the wrong place. And if you want to know who won, you won't get a lot of that here either. If you want hunks... then I sure as hell hope you didn't watch the Oscars last night.

Our Oscars coverage is going to be brought you you  by text message. Shall we begin. (FYI, K is grey and I, J, am green. And sorry for the typos. It's hard to maintain the level of professionalism you are no doubt accustomed on MSC while text messaging.)

I don't know if you guys remember that last year, when The Fighter won a bunch of awards, everyone kept thanking Marky Mark, I'm still thanking him.

Any negative comments you see throughout this discussion are either related to nauseating montages (as referenced above) or nauseating hosts (Like J.Lo and Cameron Diaz, referenced below). We didn't plan to start off on such a negative note, but the Oscars made us, and Miss Soft Crab is nothing if not honest.

 

Finally, something good happened.

Christian Bale was presenting best supporting actress. Which of course a woman from The Help, Octavia Spencer, won.

 

 

Bradley Cooper went and ruined everything. As usual.

As we moved further away from the time that  Christian Bale had been on our screens, our despair over the lameness of the show grew.  Things went from bad to worse when  Cirque du Soleil performed a dance/acrobatic/bullshit tribute to movies.

Chris Rock presented the award for best animation. I believe Rango won.

Have you seen an ad for this TV show called The Voice? Keith Urban and Delta Goodrem and Seal and a guy from Good Charlotte are on it? What?

Luckily K has been watching a lot of GO! lately and could tell us all about it. Until she got distracted...

This is Taylor Kitsch as John Carter. In the absence of Oscar hunks we are offering you hunks from the ads that screened during the broadcast

Thank Christ, it was then time for the best supporting actor award. And though there were no actual hunks nominated Christopher Plummer was nominated for Beginners. You know,  with Ewan?

 

 

At least Man or Muppet won the best song award. Even though it only had to beat one other song. Then I had to put Baby to bed and I didn't tell K. Whoopsee.

Here is what Kristen Wiig looked like:

Pretty, I think. And a little bit like her Bridesmaids nemesis Rose Byrne 3 years ago, style-wise.

At this stage there was a montage of awards that are presented before the real Oscar night. God, let the past be the past I say. It including some kind of lifetime acheivement things for people like Oprah (WHAT? Her contribution to what now?)

Luckily no hunks died last year, but sadly this meant we had to sit through another hunk-free segment. The in memoriam was accompanied by a woman singing 'What a Wonderful World'. Personally I felt the song choice was all wrong.

 

Usually I would never say LB looks like Brad Pitt. But I feel a bit bad for ranting about hunks this way, so I will say with a resounding YES, LB and Brad Pitt share a certain something. Also, you have to admit Pitt has a handsome face.

Then, of course, Meryl Streep won the best actor award. She got  emotional. Groan.

 

How to describe our feelings? #robbed #cold #alone 

Thank you Christian Bale for helping us get through the night. 

And thanks for nothing Oscars!