Oh. Oh, geez. Barista, that is not cool! Asking a customer how hey feel about sucking balls is definitely beyond the realm of appropriate small talk. Even if the customer did kind of bring it up first.
Now I know using an analogy should not mean that a person should attempt draw you out on that analogy. But, after all, the expression "sucked balls" has the words "sucked" and "balls" in it, so I guess I would be a little wary who I used that expression around, you know. And I'm pretty sure I would not use it around a guy who admired the th inspiration for The Mentalist.
I'm not saying you were asking for it. Take back the night, I say. No means no, I also say. I'm just saying it's important to excercise caution.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
WTF? Wednesday
Today's Miss Soft Crab is brought to you by the barista who makes my coffee in the morning, and the letters W, T and F.
Being a barista in this town would be a tough gig. First, even though you have to make coffee after coffee after coffee, you have to make every single one of those little bastards delicious or your fickle clients will abandon you. Second, you have to make small talk with all the people. Hundreds of people. I effing love small talk, but in those kind of volumes even I would struggle.
While my barista nails the first aspect, he kind of falls down with the second, but because he really knows his way around a coffee machine, I have been successfully ignoring the weird stuff he says so I can enjoy his tasty brews on a daily basis.
I guess it's kind of hard to ignore, though. Here is a random sample of small talks we have had recently:
Being a barista in this town would be a tough gig. First, even though you have to make coffee after coffee after coffee, you have to make every single one of those little bastards delicious or your fickle clients will abandon you. Second, you have to make small talk with all the people. Hundreds of people. I effing love small talk, but in those kind of volumes even I would struggle.
While my barista nails the first aspect, he kind of falls down with the second, but because he really knows his way around a coffee machine, I have been successfully ignoring the weird stuff he says so I can enjoy his tasty brews on a daily basis.
I guess it's kind of hard to ignore, though. Here is a random sample of small talks we have had recently:
Barista: "I read a book about the guy that the TV show The Mentalist is based in. He's really inspirational".
Me: *facepalm*
Me: *facepalm*
Barista: "I've got the names of all my children picked out already. I'm going to call my son Tiger Tiger."
Me: *WTF? WTF?*
Me: *WTF? WTF?*
Barista: "Where's Brunswick?"
Me: *...................!........................*
Me: *...................!........................*
It's a pretty bad scene. But you know, he's not my damn geisha girl, so I don't really need him to be a good conversationalist. I just need him to make with the good coffee, which he totally does.
But, like all relationships that involve an element of denial, this one is about to come to an end on account of some truly WTF? shit he said on Monday.
Let me set the scene. I'm sure you remember Monday. It was just two days ago after all. It poured with rain which meant the morning commute was characterised by delays, and people losing their shit because of the delays. You did not want to be on the #96 on Monday people, it was nasty. The calls of "please move down the tram, people are trying to get on!" came thick and fast, as did the customary responses "We're trying" and "There's no where to go!" and "Idiots!".
By the time I got off the tram I was feeling kind of grateful to be alive, and boy did I want the heck out of a coffee. I trotted in to the cafe, and there was Barista, waiting with that metal thing they put the coffee in and the jug they put the milk in, all ready to go. With the start of the coffee making came the small talk.
Barista: "So I hear the trams are a nightmare this morning"
Me: "Oh dude, today's tram ride sucked balls".
Barista: "So I hear the trams are a nightmare this morning"
Me: "Oh dude, today's tram ride sucked balls".
I said this because it is the truth, the tram ride sucked balls.
Then he says "hahaha, well everyone I've spoken to said it was really bad, so I guess you really hate sucking balls!" and looked at me all expectantly.
Like saying that something sucks balls isn't a mere figure of speech, and like I should answer, like asking a lady on her way to work how she feels about sucking balls is an OK thing.
Like saying that something sucks balls isn't a mere figure of speech, and like I should answer, like asking a lady on her way to work how she feels about sucking balls is an OK thing.
Um, WTF guy?! That is not cool!
Dude crossed a line, and now I have to find a new barista. Thanks a lot, guy. Sheesh.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
The Oscars 2012 (or Thank You Christian Bale or Innocence Lost)
I feel like perhaps we should apologise in advance for the warped focus
of our Oscars coverage. But I also feel like it was not our fault. If
you are interested in reading about outfits, you have come to the wrong
place. If you want to know about movies, you are also in the wrong
place. And if you want to know who won, you won't get a lot of that here
either. If you want hunks... then I sure as hell hope you didn't watch
the Oscars last night.
Our Oscars coverage is going to be brought you you by text message. Shall we begin. (FYI, K is grey and I, J, am green. And sorry for the typos. It's hard to maintain the level of professionalism you are no doubt accustomed on MSC while text messaging.)
I don't know if you guys remember that last year, when The Fighter won a bunch of awards, everyone kept thanking Marky Mark, I'm still thanking him.
Any negative comments you see throughout this discussion are either related to nauseating montages (as referenced above) or nauseating hosts (Like J.Lo and Cameron Diaz, referenced below). We didn't plan to start off on such a negative note, but the Oscars made us, and Miss Soft Crab is nothing if not honest.
Christian Bale was presenting best supporting actress. Which of course a woman from The Help, Octavia Spencer, won.
As we moved further away from the time that Christian Bale had been on our screens, our despair over the lameness of the show grew. Things went from bad to worse when Cirque du Soleil performed a dance/acrobatic/bullshit tribute to movies.
Chris Rock presented the award for best animation. I believe Rango won.
Have you seen an ad for this TV show called The Voice? Keith Urban and Delta Goodrem and Seal and a guy from Good Charlotte are on it? What?
Luckily K has been watching a lot of GO! lately and could tell us all about it. Until she got distracted...
Thank Christ, it was then time for the best supporting actor award. And though there were no actual hunks nominated Christopher Plummer was nominated for Beginners. You know, with Ewan?
At least Man or Muppet won the best song award. Even though it only had to beat one other song. Then I had to put Baby to bed and I didn't tell K. Whoopsee.
Here is what Kristen Wiig looked like:
Pretty, I think. And a little bit like her Bridesmaids nemesis Rose Byrne 3 years ago, style-wise.
At this stage there was a montage of awards that are presented before the real Oscar night. God, let the past be the past I say. It including some kind of lifetime acheivement things for people like Oprah (WHAT? Her contribution to what now?)
Luckily no hunks died last year, but sadly this meant we had to sit through another hunk-free segment. The in memoriam was accompanied by a woman singing 'What a Wonderful World'. Personally I felt the song choice was all wrong.
Usually I would never say LB looks like Brad Pitt. But I feel a bit bad for ranting about hunks this way, so I will say with a resounding YES, LB and Brad Pitt share a certain something. Also, you have to admit Pitt has a handsome face.
Then, of course, Meryl Streep won the best actor award. She got emotional. Groan.
Our Oscars coverage is going to be brought you you by text message. Shall we begin. (FYI, K is grey and I, J, am green. And sorry for the typos. It's hard to maintain the level of professionalism you are no doubt accustomed on MSC while text messaging.)
I don't know if you guys remember that last year, when The Fighter won a bunch of awards, everyone kept thanking Marky Mark, I'm still thanking him.
Any negative comments you see throughout this discussion are either related to nauseating montages (as referenced above) or nauseating hosts (Like J.Lo and Cameron Diaz, referenced below). We didn't plan to start off on such a negative note, but the Oscars made us, and Miss Soft Crab is nothing if not honest.
Finally, something good happened.
Christian Bale was presenting best supporting actress. Which of course a woman from The Help, Octavia Spencer, won.
Bradley Cooper went and ruined everything. As usual.
As we moved further away from the time that Christian Bale had been on our screens, our despair over the lameness of the show grew. Things went from bad to worse when Cirque du Soleil performed a dance/acrobatic/bullshit tribute to movies.
Chris Rock presented the award for best animation. I believe Rango won.
Have you seen an ad for this TV show called The Voice? Keith Urban and Delta Goodrem and Seal and a guy from Good Charlotte are on it? What?
Luckily K has been watching a lot of GO! lately and could tell us all about it. Until she got distracted...
 |
| This is Taylor Kitsch as John Carter. In the absence of Oscar hunks we are offering you hunks from the ads that screened during the broadcast |
Thank Christ, it was then time for the best supporting actor award. And though there were no actual hunks nominated Christopher Plummer was nominated for Beginners. You know, with Ewan?
At least Man or Muppet won the best song award. Even though it only had to beat one other song. Then I had to put Baby to bed and I didn't tell K. Whoopsee.
Here is what Kristen Wiig looked like:
At this stage there was a montage of awards that are presented before the real Oscar night. God, let the past be the past I say. It including some kind of lifetime acheivement things for people like Oprah (WHAT? Her contribution to what now?)
Luckily no hunks died last year, but sadly this meant we had to sit through another hunk-free segment. The in memoriam was accompanied by a woman singing 'What a Wonderful World'. Personally I felt the song choice was all wrong.
Usually I would never say LB looks like Brad Pitt. But I feel a bit bad for ranting about hunks this way, so I will say with a resounding YES, LB and Brad Pitt share a certain something. Also, you have to admit Pitt has a handsome face.
Then, of course, Meryl Streep won the best actor award. She got emotional. Groan.
How to describe our feelings? #robbed #cold #alone
Thank you Christian Bale for helping us get through the night.
And thanks for nothing Oscars!
Monday, February 27, 2012
It's a wonderful night for Oscar (PM)
You know readers, K and I talked a little about Michelle Williams in that yellow dress just yesterday. The conversation went like this:
“Michelle Williams and the yellow dress.”
“Oh yeah, the yellow dress.”
*wistful sigh* (on both parts)
So it was in my mind you know. And yet when I saw that picture in K’s post this morning it really took my breath away. I lingered on the picture for a while thinking that M-dubs looked so beautiful it made my heart ache a little bit. Then I felt like a loser for having such a strong reaction to it. Until I read K’s words “You know what it was like when you were little and looked at pictures of your parents as young people? How they seem so young and beautiful and so carefree and elegant, and how it would make your little-kid heart ache a bit? Well that's how I feel when I look at this dress.” Then I at least felt like I was not a loser alone.
Do you remember what Michelle and Heath looked like together at the Oscars together that year?
“Michelle Williams and the yellow dress.”
“Oh yeah, the yellow dress.”
*wistful sigh* (on both parts)
So it was in my mind you know. And yet when I saw that picture in K’s post this morning it really took my breath away. I lingered on the picture for a while thinking that M-dubs looked so beautiful it made my heart ache a little bit. Then I felt like a loser for having such a strong reaction to it. Until I read K’s words “You know what it was like when you were little and looked at pictures of your parents as young people? How they seem so young and beautiful and so carefree and elegant, and how it would make your little-kid heart ache a bit? Well that's how I feel when I look at this dress.” Then I at least felt like I was not a loser alone.
Do you remember what Michelle and Heath looked like together at the Oscars together that year?
Shut up!
That effing yellow dress!
It's a wonderful night for Oscar (AM)
The Oscars is on tonight.
Hooray!
It's full of things I love.
Hunks!
Ladies wearing pretty dresses!
Also, it's full things I hate.
Actors saying dumb things.
Ladies wearing fugly dresses.
Tom Hanks.
I guess it's not a total party.
The Oscars experience is kind of like the reality TV experience. You hate most of the people on it, but watching them say dumb stuff and then getting the occasional glimpse of someone you like makes for very compelling viewing. And of course, there is always the possibility that someone is going to wear something beautiful.
Like this.
Remember this? It is the yellow dress Michelle Williams wore that year she and Health Ledger were in Brokeback Mountain.
I think I speak for both halves of the crab when I say that this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever worn, and the most beautiful anyone has ever looked, ever. Of all the Oscars dresses that came before and all that have come after, none can hold a candle to this one. And it's not just that it is a beautiful cut and a beautiful colour and fits her perfectly, though it certainly is all of those things. This dress as something else altogether. You know what it was like when you were little and looked at pictures of your parents as young people? How they seem so young and beautiful and so carefree and elegant, and how it would make your little-kid heart ache a bit? Well that's how I feel when I look at this dress.
I guess my view of it and how beautiful she looked in it is tied up in the whole Heath/Michelle love story. I mean, it seemed like they were in love the way people in the movies are in love, and the fact that they broke up and then he died - forget about it. The whole thing just seemed so sad.
Anyway. That dress rules.
And it is so far ahead of all the others that I pretty much don't expect to see anything I like as much, ever. But, women who are attending the Oscars, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong!
Hooray!
It's full of things I love.
Hunks!
Ladies wearing pretty dresses!
Also, it's full things I hate.
Actors saying dumb things.
Ladies wearing fugly dresses.
Tom Hanks.
I guess it's not a total party.
The Oscars experience is kind of like the reality TV experience. You hate most of the people on it, but watching them say dumb stuff and then getting the occasional glimpse of someone you like makes for very compelling viewing. And of course, there is always the possibility that someone is going to wear something beautiful.
Like this.
Remember this? It is the yellow dress Michelle Williams wore that year she and Health Ledger were in Brokeback Mountain.
I think I speak for both halves of the crab when I say that this is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever worn, and the most beautiful anyone has ever looked, ever. Of all the Oscars dresses that came before and all that have come after, none can hold a candle to this one. And it's not just that it is a beautiful cut and a beautiful colour and fits her perfectly, though it certainly is all of those things. This dress as something else altogether. You know what it was like when you were little and looked at pictures of your parents as young people? How they seem so young and beautiful and so carefree and elegant, and how it would make your little-kid heart ache a bit? Well that's how I feel when I look at this dress.
I guess my view of it and how beautiful she looked in it is tied up in the whole Heath/Michelle love story. I mean, it seemed like they were in love the way people in the movies are in love, and the fact that they broke up and then he died - forget about it. The whole thing just seemed so sad.
Anyway. That dress rules.
And it is so far ahead of all the others that I pretty much don't expect to see anything I like as much, ever. But, women who are attending the Oscars, I'd be delighted to be proved wrong!
Friday, February 24, 2012
The Love (totally rogue PM!!!!)
Oh Mate, you sure do seem to be overwhelmed with hate. You poor thing.
And you've got some good reasons.
The ALP really have fucked it. (Stop eating your young, you douche-bs.)
And washing up gloves really should come in packs of three (what an awesome idea!).
And all the other things too.
But I just can't get on board the hate right now, on account of the good things that have happened this week. I guess I just feel like I'm on a pretty big love vibe and I just gotta ride this baby out. So I'm going to break with tradition and instead of writing a PM post about hate, I am going to flip that shit on it's head, and write it a PM post all about love. That's right readers, love. You know it!
And I am going to start right here in my own back yard. I am going to turn my love guns (what?) on YOU mate.
I think it's about time the readers heard about some of the awesome/hilarious/super nice things you have done. Not in our whole lives, mind you, just the past few weeks. When it comes to you Mate, that's about as far back as you have to reach to find the gold.
Gold, such as how you got me a motherflipping hardcover book of all our haiku for my birthday!
And you also got me a t-shirt with the letter K on it, and made me a berry rose pavlova. There were no meringue fails that day mate, no sirree.
There was also that time I emailed you this picture of a girl that Pickle thinks looks like me, and you replied with "Far out! When I squint that girl looks exactly like the bitch version of you! With a wig", which I thought was a very sweet thing to say, as it implies I do not look like a bitch. In fact, you say sweet and supportive things all the time. Like the other day when I told you I had fallen in love with some dude on the tram. I said:
Even though there are many things that are problematic about this statement, because you are a kind and supportive friend, you said:
"Mate, I can't believe Brian is married! I love jumpers too. LB has nice jumpers. He looks so handsome when he wears them."
Fuck that's nice.
Also, your tweets are really hilarious. Par example:
3 Feb 2012, 9:06 am - Lady in cafe, the person you are talking to is sitting right next to you! Probs don't need to yell#maybeshuttheeffup
1 Feb 2012, 3:11pm - A mouse just ran across the room and I screamed#whothefuckami
#wheredidthatfuckingmousecomefrom
(Readers, do you guys follow us on Twitter? You should, J's tweets are hysterical)
I really could go on and on. But I don't want to embarrass you or anything mate. So let me say this: some stuff is really shit and hate-worthy, but not you, Matey. You are really great.
#hugs
And you've got some good reasons.
The ALP really have fucked it. (Stop eating your young, you douche-bs.)
And washing up gloves really should come in packs of three (what an awesome idea!).
And all the other things too.
But I just can't get on board the hate right now, on account of the good things that have happened this week. I guess I just feel like I'm on a pretty big love vibe and I just gotta ride this baby out. So I'm going to break with tradition and instead of writing a PM post about hate, I am going to flip that shit on it's head, and write it a PM post all about love. That's right readers, love. You know it!
And I am going to start right here in my own back yard. I am going to turn my love guns (what?) on YOU mate.
I think it's about time the readers heard about some of the awesome/hilarious/super nice things you have done. Not in our whole lives, mind you, just the past few weeks. When it comes to you Mate, that's about as far back as you have to reach to find the gold.
Gold, such as how you got me a motherflipping hardcover book of all our haiku for my birthday!
 |
| I read it every night! |
And you also got me a t-shirt with the letter K on it, and made me a berry rose pavlova. There were no meringue fails that day mate, no sirree.
There was also that time I emailed you this picture of a girl that Pickle thinks looks like me, and you replied with "Far out! When I squint that girl looks exactly like the bitch version of you! With a wig", which I thought was a very sweet thing to say, as it implies I do not look like a bitch. In fact, you say sweet and supportive things all the time. Like the other day when I told you I had fallen in love with some dude on the tram. I said:
"In other news, I think I fell in love with someone on the tram. He looked so solid and reliable, and he had a good head of
hair and was dressed sensibly. He was wearing moleskins and a shirt and a
green jumper. I love jumpers. He looked like he was about 36 and his
name might have been Brian, and he probably had a dog at home. He was
wearing a wedding ring, so I guess he's has a wife at home too. Plus,
he was a total stranger that I saw on the tram."
Even though there are many things that are problematic about this statement, because you are a kind and supportive friend, you said:
"Mate, I can't believe Brian is married! I love jumpers too. LB has nice jumpers. He looks so handsome when he wears them."
Fuck that's nice.
Also, your tweets are really hilarious. Par example:
3 Feb 2012, 9:06 am - Lady in cafe, the person you are talking to is sitting right next to you! Probs don't need to yell
1 Feb 2012, 3:11pm - A mouse just ran across the room and I screamed
1 Feb 2012, 3:17pm - Also #sleepwithoneeyeopen
(Readers, do you guys follow us on Twitter? You should, J's tweets are hysterical)
I really could go on and on. But I don't want to embarrass you or anything mate. So let me say this: some stuff is really shit and hate-worthy, but not you, Matey. You are really great.
#hugs
The Hate (AM)
I don't want to bring a lot of hate to this blog. I try hard not too. Not that I have to try hard all the time, but sometimes I feel it creeping in and I try no push it away. But right now I am weak and I can't do it. I don't want to bring down anyone's day. I really don't. It's Friday, everyone should be feeling great. So if you don't want the hate perhaps you should go and watch some YouTubes instead.
Sometimes shit just gets so effed up you just gotta embrace the hate. I'm just going to do it today and then we can all move on.
Firstly, Labor I blame you for this post. Why you gotta fuck shit up for everybody?! If this leadership bullshit means we are going to get another coalition government next year I am going to be totally effing POed. Why are you doing this? WHY?! Remember the heady days of Kevin07? God, that was the best. But now? Now I don't even want to vote for you. I don't even want my preferences to go to you. You have fucked it.
And while we are on that goddamn party, J.Gill, that time you said it was OK for people to be worried about refugees coming to Australia, you are wrong! You are breeding the hate.
Why can't I buy konbu in this country??? Why can I buy all sorts of seaweed but not effing konbu? WTF? Now I can't make all this stuff I was going to make for dinner on the weekend.
How come my meringues keep failing? I followed two different recipes and neither worked. WHY?
Washing glove companies, you should sell gloves in packets of 3 or 4, with extra right hand gloves. Do you know how often I have to buy washing gloves? All the time. My right glove is always getting holes in it and so I have about a million extra lefties.
What is going on in supermarkets? Occasionally when I don't have a bag with me I have to get a plastic bag and the checkout peeps only put about 2 items in each bag. WHY?
I think that is everything. Let's look at these calming clouds now.
Aaaahhhh, that's better.
Sometimes shit just gets so effed up you just gotta embrace the hate. I'm just going to do it today and then we can all move on.
Firstly, Labor I blame you for this post. Why you gotta fuck shit up for everybody?! If this leadership bullshit means we are going to get another coalition government next year I am going to be totally effing POed. Why are you doing this? WHY?! Remember the heady days of Kevin07? God, that was the best. But now? Now I don't even want to vote for you. I don't even want my preferences to go to you. You have fucked it.
And while we are on that goddamn party, J.Gill, that time you said it was OK for people to be worried about refugees coming to Australia, you are wrong! You are breeding the hate.
Why can't I buy konbu in this country??? Why can I buy all sorts of seaweed but not effing konbu? WTF? Now I can't make all this stuff I was going to make for dinner on the weekend.
How come my meringues keep failing? I followed two different recipes and neither worked. WHY?
Washing glove companies, you should sell gloves in packets of 3 or 4, with extra right hand gloves. Do you know how often I have to buy washing gloves? All the time. My right glove is always getting holes in it and so I have about a million extra lefties.
What is going on in supermarkets? Occasionally when I don't have a bag with me I have to get a plastic bag and the checkout peeps only put about 2 items in each bag. WHY?
I think that is everything. Let's look at these calming clouds now.
Aaaahhhh, that's better.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Haiku Thursday (PM)
Aquarius
February is
Full of birthdays of loved ones
Happy birthday, friends
Heston
Heston Blumenthal
You had me at vanilla
Cinnamon ice-cream
Japanese
Japanese, the food,
You are always on my mind
This week. And my lips
Haiku Thursday (AM)
Figs
I
When your season comes
I'm all "oh yeah, Figs". Then I
Taste you, and think WOW.
I
When your season comes
I'm all "oh yeah, Figs". Then I
Taste you, and think WOW.
II
Biting in to you
Is like biting in to a
Carravagio.
III
I also like how
Your leaves are a modesty
Aid. Natures undies!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Awesome Animals (PM)
You know, we should get Russeth to do a special guest post about Africa because it does seem like it was a swell time, and his photos are so awesome and hilarious that after I looked through every single one on facebook, I went and got a cup of tea and then looked through every single one on facebook again.
But back to the animal kingdom, surely the most awesome of all the kingdoms around. All those furry, scaley and feathery guys? Forget about it.
If we want to talk about minds being blown, I think we really should mention the Yeti crab and the Fathead Sculpin fish.
These guys totally mess with my idea of what it is to be a crab and a fish.
First, the yeti crab.
How can a crab marry elegance and ruggedness so perfectly? If this guy was a human, I'm pretty sure he would look like Robert Redford circa Jeremiah Johnson and were he to invite me back to his cabin for a whiskey, I would go. Even if we had just met, I would go.
Not so, should the Fathead Sculpun fish invite me back to his sea cave.
People, that is a fish. A fish that looks like a man. A really, really sad man. I can't believe that guy is swimming around somewhere, looking like that. I feel terrible for him. And I think the namers have made his situation worse by calling him Fathead Sculpin fish. Not cool, namers. You should have called them the Dough fish, or something that while evocative of their appearance, wouldn't make them hate themselves and want to look away every time they swam past a reflective surface.
Gosh, what a downer, sorry guys. Lets comfort ourselves by reconnecting with another of nature's wonders.
(Thanks Croquette, for reminding me about the Honey Badger)
But back to the animal kingdom, surely the most awesome of all the kingdoms around. All those furry, scaley and feathery guys? Forget about it.
If we want to talk about minds being blown, I think we really should mention the Yeti crab and the Fathead Sculpin fish.
These guys totally mess with my idea of what it is to be a crab and a fish.
First, the yeti crab.
Not so, should the Fathead Sculpun fish invite me back to his sea cave.
Gosh, what a downer, sorry guys. Lets comfort ourselves by reconnecting with another of nature's wonders.
(Thanks Croquette, for reminding me about the Honey Badger)
Awesome Animals (AM)
In January Russeth went to Kenya to build an orphanage. You know, for kids. While he was there he also went on safari, held a goat as it was slain for dinner, and was guilted into buying some faux lion teeth from some Masai.
Africa sounds cool.
Anyway, now he is home and his pictures are on Facebook and holy moly! He saw all the cool stuff. An effing lion! A freaking elephant! A motherflipping giraffe! And so many adorable puppies.
I love animals!!! You know, you learn about animals as a kid and you think, 'yeah, they're cool.' But you just take it in your stride, you know, because you are learning all this stuff and it is all pretty cool. So then you know these things exist and you go through life taking them for granted. Then you grow up and maybe you go to the zoo or start reading about animals again and BLAMO! You get struck by how awesome they are.
Just think about all the crazy animals out there!
Giraffes.
Koalas.
Seriously! WTF?! Like tree-climbing wombats with opposable thumbs. Like a bear monkey with a pouch, but not!
And what about the friggin' polar bear?
Africa sounds cool.
Anyway, now he is home and his pictures are on Facebook and holy moly! He saw all the cool stuff. An effing lion! A freaking elephant! A motherflipping giraffe! And so many adorable puppies.
I love animals!!! You know, you learn about animals as a kid and you think, 'yeah, they're cool.' But you just take it in your stride, you know, because you are learning all this stuff and it is all pretty cool. So then you know these things exist and you go through life taking them for granted. Then you grow up and maybe you go to the zoo or start reading about animals again and BLAMO! You get struck by how awesome they are.
Just think about all the crazy animals out there!
Giraffes.
Koalas.
And what about the friggin' polar bear?
Jelly fish!!
And you know how I feel about flamingos. Don't even get me started on chickens! (Seriously, don't, 'cause I'm pretty sure they will get their own whole post one day.)
Puffins!
Everything, you guys. All the animals are the best!
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The New Guy (PM)
Congratulations to Midbro and Mrs. Midbro! I've seen the pictures and the kid is cute. Going by Niecey though, it ain't no surprise.
Mate, you are so lucky that you have people so close to you that have babies. I can only imagine how delightful it is when someone you love makes someone new you can love. I don't really know what that is like. So friends, why don't you go make some babies already! They are the cutest!
Check it out*:
*not a human baby
Mate, you are so lucky that you have people so close to you that have babies. I can only imagine how delightful it is when someone you love makes someone new you can love. I don't really know what that is like. So friends, why don't you go make some babies already! They are the cutest!
Check it out*:
*not a human baby
The New Guy (AM)
This post goes straight out to Midbro and Mrs. Midbro.
Yesterday, those dudes added a whole new person to the Miss Soft Crab family and people, the new guy is so cute I just want to quit my job and cuddle the shit out of him professionally.
I effing love it when my favourite people multiply.
And I can't wait for Niecey to start terrorising him the way Midbro used to terrorise me.
Yesterday, those dudes added a whole new person to the Miss Soft Crab family and people, the new guy is so cute I just want to quit my job and cuddle the shit out of him professionally.
I effing love it when my favourite people multiply.
And I can't wait for Niecey to start terrorising him the way Midbro used to terrorise me.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Thank god for YouTube (PM)
Oh geez. Sorry Google ruined your morning post. But great that it created an opportunity for us to watch the de Niro meets Elmo you tube.
#winnereverytime
My day got off to a similarly annoying start.
Look what I had to sit opposite on the tram this morning.
Unbefuckinglievable.
But on the plus side, I am getting better at surreptitiously taking photos of people on the tram.
And there is also this. What a pack of cuties!
#winnereverytime
My day got off to a similarly annoying start.
Look what I had to sit opposite on the tram this morning.
But on the plus side, I am getting better at surreptitiously taking photos of people on the tram.
And there is also this. What a pack of cuties!
Thank God for YouTube (AM)
You know when you write a really long detailed email to someone about what you've been doing and how you've been feeling and then you get near the end and the whole thing somehow disappears never to return and you feel cheated, robbed, angry, sad? That just happened to me. I wrote a post and then I went to change something on my iPhone and the whole damn thing disappeared. I blame Google for having such a stupid phone unfriendly blog publishing site. Look around Google, people need to blog on their phones! Sort your shit out.
Anyway, so that I don't cry about I think we should all watch this delightful, amusing, wholesome video. It's Monday morning after all, probably everyone needs this to an extent.
Friday, February 17, 2012
OMG! (PM)
O.M.G.!
I don't know what I am OMGing harder over, that someone would head their lost dog notice with OMG; the excessive use of punctuation in said notice; or that you would text a random person to find out if there lost dog is ok.
I guess this could have been done for journalism, in which case, word! Way to take Miss Soft Crab to the next level.
Or it could have been done in the name of humanity. Just one human being caring about another. And a dog. In which case, word. You are really nice.
While I am happy that 'Jack' is okay, I still think it's kind of weird you know that.
I don't know what I am OMGing harder over, that someone would head their lost dog notice with OMG; the excessive use of punctuation in said notice; or that you would text a random person to find out if there lost dog is ok.
I guess this could have been done for journalism, in which case, word! Way to take Miss Soft Crab to the next level.
Or it could have been done in the name of humanity. Just one human being caring about another. And a dog. In which case, word. You are really nice.
While I am happy that 'Jack' is okay, I still think it's kind of weird you know that.
OMG! (AM)
I don't know why, but my front yard is a real litter trap.
There's always some piece of detritus or another blowing about. Take-away menus. Junk mail. Chip packets, only some of which are mine. It's a mess!
This is my actual front yard. Litter is visible to the left of the main
shrubbery, however usually there is more than this. I only took this photo to document the rhino figurine someone left on my letterbox one time, not to illustrate the litter situation.Take my word for it though, the litter situation is bad.
Normally I step over the litter on my way inside, then on bin night, I scoop it all up and chuck it out. Last night, however, a special piece of litter caught my eye, so I picked it up and read it right away.
OMG! I thought. Where's 'Jack'?
The whole tone of the notice, combined with the senility of 'Jack' made me kind of worried for the little guy.
I thought I should get to the bottom of the situation, for all our sakes.
Phew!
There's always some piece of detritus or another blowing about. Take-away menus. Junk mail. Chip packets, only some of which are mine. It's a mess!
 |
Normally I step over the litter on my way inside, then on bin night, I scoop it all up and chuck it out. Last night, however, a special piece of litter caught my eye, so I picked it up and read it right away.
 |
| I stuck it on my wall so we could all read it properly. |
OMG! I thought. Where's 'Jack'?
The whole tone of the notice, combined with the senility of 'Jack' made me kind of worried for the little guy.
I thought I should get to the bottom of the situation, for all our sakes.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Haiku Thursday (PM)
Ode to Bitchez who apply make up on the tram
I
Time saving bitchez
I die inside when you reach
For the foundation.
II
Don't you want to keep
The illusion of pretty alive?
This way, you're just not.
II
The illusion of pretty alive?
This way, you're just not.
III
Watching you is like
Discovering the secret
To a magic trick.
IV
You bitchez should come
With a sign round your neck that
Says: Spoiler Alert!
Haiku Thursday (AM)
shu uemura, please,
so pretty, green, and clear,
make me pretty too
Wax
Body hair grooming,
Of bodily maintenance,
Is the boringest
Why?
Always some damn thing
Getting in way the of just
Taking it easy
Memories
I
like the corners of
my mind all alone in the
moonlight they get lost
II
Constructed not penned
Haiku get flushed from my brain
As from a toilet
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