I think you know what is about to happen here. But before we get into it, can I just say how thankful I am that the Oscars producers read our 2012 post and put a few genuine hunks into the mix this year. Still, it would help if they didn't include so much shit in the coverage. Fuckers.
K: Oscars 2013. Serve it up, let's go!
You know I don't even know who's won any of these bitches.
J: I know who won a few. Not many. Let's get the elephant out of the room. If this is the hunk-free nightmare it was last year I'm going to
Be really upset
J: I calling it on MacFarlane, I think he will suck.
K: Yeah. I'm feeling like I wish it was Brian Griffin.
J: That would be great!
K: Not a real guy.
Ooh, DDL! Still a hunk.
J: A laughing DDL! Yeah, he's still got it.
I wonder if Leonardo is there. We can get to the bottom of whether he is a hunk.
At this point Seth MacFarlane did a thing with William Shattner in his Star Trek guise. It was not funny and was based on the (all too believable premise) that MacFarlane would be a terrible host.
K: Shattner's calling it too
J: Shattner knows what's what.
K: Mate, are we going to make it this year?
J: I've got some hard liquor on standby so I think I'll be ok. For a while at least.
K: What's your poison?
J: Left over Ikea spirits. It worked for the Brownlow.
K: I've got some peach schnapps, come to think of it.
J: Thank god. Fuck, I can't believe this Shattner thing is still going. I don't know if the Ikea liquor is going to be enough.
K: No hunks yet. I can't help but notice.
J: Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. YES! Dancing no less! #WIN #gonetoosoon.
K: Sure, but it's kind of a mess.
J: I'm trying to look on the bright side
K: I think I've got a bad attitude.
J: Drink the schnapps. Joaqs and Rain!
K: Let’s hope some hunks rise like Pheonixes from the ashes of last year.
J: Heh heh
K: Thanks mate. Those Ikea spirits really work
J: I'm not drinking yet!
Probably I'll think Affleck is a hunk by the end of this
K: But not Cooper. Never Cooper.
J: If I think Bradley Cooper is a hunk after this I'm never watching the Oscars again. Or putting myself in any hunk-free environment.
K: Paul Rudd and Mel Mac!
K: I love these guys. Slappin da bass
J: You know what else is good? Ikea spirits! I've had to start drinking and this one tastes like caraway
|The bottles are little, I just decided to go for 2 at once|
J: The Avengers quintet! This could be hot!
K: But where's Hemsworth?
J: Shit, I missed the bit where he did not say Hemsworth's name. This is not hot.
K: No, no it's not. Ruffalo looks like a young Shattner. Which is to say, not hot
J: Some people are only hot in movies. Like Marky Mark.
K: What are you saying, Mate?
J: I saw Graham Norton on the weekend. Marky Mark and Fassbender were on it! I think Wahlberg was drunk. He was kind of a d-bag. Anyway maybe that’s Ruffalo.
K: That's so disappointing. How was Fassbender?
J: Marky Mark kept interrupting him, he hardly spoke but he laughed a lot. I had to admit, the guy has something.
My lappy battery is down to 58% capacity. I'm using at as an indicator of my own capacity.
J: I don't like Halle Berry but I'm pretty attracted to her dress. I didn't see it in long shot though.
J: There it is. I like it.
K: It's got some specialness I think. Its certainly better than the other snore makers
J: HAHA! Liam still gets the Schindler's List music when he comes out.
I set my TV to change to The Mindy Project in case the Oscars was too boring #forwardthinking
The Phoenixes are sitting next to Jennifer Anniston.
K: It looks a little out of place, doesn't it? But maybe they are all amigos.
J: Probs its just difficult to organise the seating plan for the Oscars.
I just found a possum in the kitchen. It scared me. Then I scared it and it ran out the window.
Hey, All That Jazz. From back when they knew how to make musicals. Yes C-Zets!
...Oh, songs from all the musicals in Oscar history. No thanks!
Russell Crowe has seen better days. Oh, there was no prerecording of this Les Mis extravaganza.
K: Sorry Mate, I was offline for a little bit. But I'm back now for the musical megamix. Holy shit!
Never mind Russell Crowe , there was a possum in your kitchen?
J: It came in through the window. It was in the sink.
|It ran back out the window and|
K: Oh the poor little poss. I bet it was thirsty.
J: Who isn't!
K: I want someone to win something. Someone hunky. Or someone wearing a good dress
J: Dream on.
K: HANG ABOUT!
K: I like Ted's Boston accent
J: I like it too. Also, I love Marky Mark again. Everyone has bad days. Especially when they are drunk.
K: He's still got it. Whatever MM's version of 'it' is
J: 'It's' special. I know that much.
K: Yeah, 'it' is. Imagine if Marky Mark was Jewish
J: Oh, boy.
K: Oy boy.
Marky Mark and Ted were announcing the best sound editing awards.
K: Lot of hair in this category...
J: People sitting in dark rooms doing sound editing. Perfect hair growing conditions.
K: 22% battery left, FYI
J: UGH. Hathaway. Get off.
K: Yes please. Get off.
K: Remember when she hosted? Ugh
J: Oh, that was the worst! The worst! I think I don't like any actress less.
K: 16 per cent battery mate! #runningonempty
J: Well, even though these Oscars are boring as the proverbial bat shit (what kind of proverb writer would write one about bat shit?) You've gotta admit the hunk quotient is higher than last year.
K: A little bit. Just a little bit. No Christian Bale, I can't help but notice.
More DDL wouldn't go astray #ifyouvegotitflauntit
J: #truedat Still, Marky Mark, the Radcliffe-Gordon Levitt dance, Joaqs in the audience. Last year it was like there wasn't a handsome man in the audience.
K: So true. Joaqs in the audience has been a real boon.
Also, where are the straps on all the dresses of all the ladies? It's just shoulder after shoulder tonight...
J: Oh, I know. Where is Casey Affleck and where are the straps. But seriously folks, why isn't Casey Affleck there with his brother or brother in-law?
K: Shit mate, I'm on reserve battery power! 7 per cent!
J: I don't if you are still there mate, but KStew and Radcliffe! #togetheratlast
K: I went to clean my teeth. What did I miss?
J: Just more broken promises.
K: That's Oscartown
J: Yep. Another year, another 5 hours wasted.
K: Oh, no you don't mate!! MY HOMEGIRL
K: I wish she would do the rap from Austin Powers
K: You know, it's surprising one of my brothers isn't gay, what with all the milk of Barbra Streisand we were nursed on.
J: Probably one of them is #keepitintheclo
set HAHAHA! Obviously I do not think either of your brothers is gay
K: No one does Mate. But I bet we came close. Anyway. I'm going to hit the sack.So who won stuff?
J: Argo won best movie, DDL won best actor, Ang Lee won best movie, Jennifer Lawrence won best actress. I think. I'm a bit making this up. Improv they call it in the biz. The Internet tells me Django won best original screenplay and Argo won best unoriginal screenplay.
K: Ha. Well, good for you, winners. Bad luck losers. And goodnight to you my friend. me:
J: Yep, movies night of nights. Over. Thank God. 'Night.