When we were kids (PM)

Going to the dentist and shining one's shoes are wholesome and good things to do.
But I'm having one of those days where I am so busy with my adult life work responsibilities that there's no time for important things like that. There's barely time for eating lollies and daydreaming about being an astronaut.

Truth be told, I never daydreamed about being an astronaut when I was little. I thought about space a lot though. About how big it is and how that's where ET lives now, which made me feel a mixture of love and sadness. Which is kind of what childhood, and the film ET are like.

And according to the NASA website, this is what space food is like.

Lollies and shortbread! I should have daydreamed MORE. I could be eating all of this in zero gravity right now.

When we were kids (AM)

It's funny how there are things you do as kids that you just don't seem to do as adults. I don't mean like wanting to eat lollies all the time or riding around your backyard with your brother pretending you are astronauts. I know why you don't do that stuff. Kind of. Actually, I barely know why you don't want to play astronauts as an adult. I mean, I like to imagine things, sit around fantasising about some alternate life. Usually one where I have this great house and have friends over all the time for amazing dinners I make, one where I have this really fulfilling job that is not only super-fulling and lucrative but also requires me to wear wonderful clothes from time to time.* And maybe if I spent a few extra minutes in my head it would eventually lead to a fantasy about being an astronaut. I mean, that would probably be really fulfilling and pretty lucrative and maybe if you were at the top of your game you'd be invited to things where you can wear nice clothes. And I am not forgetting space. SPACE you guys! Being in space would rule.** The best thing! Anyway if having an imaginary life in your brain is good, why don't we play games about being astronauts and shit. Ok, I don't really get it at all.

But that isn't even what I am talking about. I'm talking about boring things that happened in childhood that don't happen now. Like shining shoes. In truth I barely did that as a child/teenager. But I remember Chickpea doing it. She went to a posh private school, while I went to the private school where drug dealers and kids expelled from all the fancy private schools went. I was neither a drug dealer nor expelled, mostly it was a question of geography and a realisation that we didn't belong in the posh private school. Yada yada yada, I rarely had to polish my shoes. But it seems like a thing from my youth. Check it out you guys, this week I polished some shoes. They are my favourite shoes, they are tan and great and really scuffed up and dirty now, so I polished them and they look great! I'm not going to show you a picture, because you don't know what they looked like before so you'll probably think the after photo is a before photo. But trust me guys, shoe polishing is great, just because you don't have a parent telling you to do it, doesn't mean you should forget about it.

How about going to the dentist. I used to do that all the time; when I was a child and my parents were responsible for my oral hygiene. Not now though. Probably hadn't been for about 5 years. Until this week! Now that I ma responsible for someone else's oral hygiene so I took our mouths into my hands and went to the dentist. I wish I could be as excited about this as the shoe polish. On the upside, my teeth were even cleaner than my shoes when I left the dentist. On the downside, dentists charge you hundreds of dollars for looking at your teeth and polishing them and finding holes they want to charge you heaps more money for filling. On the upside I feel better about myself as a citizen and a mother, so on the whole I guess going to the dentist was at least as rewarding as polishing my shoes.

I'm going to find some other activities of my youth that may benefit my life. Yeah!


*Shit, I have given way too much away about my inner life.
**I spent some time imagining my life as an astronaut at this point in the writing on the post, and guess what! It was awesome

Shorties (PM)

Who doesn't love a shortie?! And those shorties you made, mate, look so effing good. I want one. Those little bastards sound delicious. That icing... get the hell outta here! And icing is not a thing that ever gets me excited. Also now I understand why you may or may not have been a little absent during the Oscars. Who wouldn't be paying more attention to a delicious biscuit than that ridiculous excuse for entertainment.

Funnily enough I also made a shortbread-like biscuit recently. In that it was a biscuit that is super buttery, quite crumbly and very effing delicious. You see last Saturday was Purim, a lesser-known/celebrated Jewish holiday. And by coincidence my family were getting together for lunch. Apparently one is supposed to eat a biscuit called a hamataschen. So I made some. Also mum bought some from the local Jewish bakery. Here are mine and the professional ones side by side.

Mine are the messy ones in front. Obviously.

I used this recipe from Smitten Kitchen and I am not kidding when I say that they were fan-fricking-tastic. There was some debate over the lunch table as to whether mine or the pro biscuits were better. Everyone thought my actual biscuit was better but there was division over who had a better poppy seed filling. The commercial one was more full poppy seed flavour. Like, traditional flavour. Mine on the other hand was a bit more... not traditional. The poppy seed is ground

then dressed up with with Grand Marnier, orange zest, lemon juice. These are probably largely unnecessary.

The bought biscuit was more dense and mine was more buttery, lighter, lemony. And on the whole I think it was a generally superior biscuit. Like, if you just want to eat the sweet poppy seed goo, sure, buy a commercial biscuit, but if you want to eat a delicious effing biscuit, eat the Smitten kitchen one.

On a sidenote, thanks Scotland for sending great things like shortbread on Ewan our way.

Shorties (AM)

Scotland has given Miss Soft Crab two of our favourite things: Ewan McGregor and shortbread.

It's also given me black pudding which I love very much but there is no way I'm getting the J-Crab on board with that. So let's stick to Ewan and shorties. Or to be more precise, let's stick to shorties, because Wednesday is Miss Soft Crab's new food day and I think we've said all we need to say about Ewan.

 

So, shortbread.

I love shortbread.

I love how solid and sturdy it is, and how it crumbles so satisfyingly at first bite. I love how it tastes like butter. I love how it is plain and simple in its deliciousness, how without pretension it is. I love how it goes with a cup of tea.

 

Sometimes I think I'll make shortbread to have around the house for when people drop by for a cup of tea, and up until the moment that I burn my tongue on that first piping hot bite of shortie I actually think people are going to drop by for a cup of tea.

Here are some pistachio shortbread I made at Christmas

 

The other night I made some in order to win the hearts and minds of the team of people I am 'directing' while I temporarily assume the position of Director while my real boss is in Scotland, the home of shortbread and Ewan McGregor.

 

Instead of the traditional shortie, I made this, which is more of a shortbread-like slice. Some might call it a bastardisation of true shortbread because it doesn't include ground rice, used in a proper shortie, the thing that gives it that lovely crumbly texture. And it's covered in icing made from golden syrup and butter and ginger. So sure, those that call it a bastardisation are some accurate bastards. But what a delicious bastardisation it is. The butteryness, the crumble, the gooeyness of the icing against that sturdy biscuit base.  Go ahead and bastardise away.

 

I do, however, think it could use more ginger. Especially in the icing. By following the recipe I got a hint of ginger, but was left wanting more, perhaps enough so there is a lingering sensation of heat. If one is going to bastardise, one should bastardise boldly, should one not?

 

Regardless, because I may or may not have been making it while e-chatting with J during the oscars ceremony, I have no photos of the process.

But this is what it looks like when I eat the leftovers at my desk with a coffee.

Mmmm

The Oscars 2013

I think you know what is about to happen here. But before we get into it, can I just say how thankful I am that the Oscars producers read our 2012 post and put a few genuine hunks into the mix this year. Still, it would help if they didn't include so much shit in the coverage. Fuckers.

K: Oscars 2013. Serve it up, let's go!

You know I don't even know who's won any of these bitches.

J:  I know who won a few. Not many. Let's get the elephant out of the room. If this is the hunk-free nightmare it was last year I'm going to

...

...

Be really upset

K:  Same.

J:  I calling it on MacFarlane, I think he will suck.

K:  Yeah. I'm feeling like I wish it was Brian Griffin.

J:  That would be great!

K:  Not a real guy. 

Ooh, DDL! Still a hunk.

J:  A laughing DDL! Yeah, he's still got it.

I wonder if Leonardo is there. We can get to the bottom of whether he is a hunk.

 At this point Seth MacFarlane did a thing with William Shattner in his Star Trek guise. It was not funny and was based on the (all too believable premise) that MacFarlane would be a terrible host. 

K:  Shattner's calling it too

J:  Shattner knows what's what.

K:  Mate, are we going to make it this year?

J:  I've got some hard liquor on standby so I think I'll be ok.  For a while at least.

K:  What's your poison?

J:  Left over Ikea spirits. It worked for the Brownlow.

K:  I've got some peach schnapps, come to think of it.

J:  Thank god. Fuck, I can't believe this Shattner thing is still going. I don't know if the Ikea liquor is going to be enough.

K:  No hunks yet. I can't help but notice. 

Hang about...

J:  Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe. YES! Dancing no less! #WIN #gonetoosoon.

K:  Sure, but it's kind of a mess.

J:  I'm trying to look on the bright side

K:  I think I've got a bad attitude.

J:  Drink the schnapps. Joaqs and Rain!

K:  Let’s hope some hunks rise like Pheonixes from the ashes of last year.

J:  Heh heh

K:  Thanks mate. Those Ikea spirits really work

J:  I'm not drinking yet!

Probably I'll think Affleck is a hunk by the end of this

K:  But not Cooper. Never Cooper.

J:  If I think Bradley Cooper is a hunk after this I'm never watching the Oscars again. Or putting myself in any hunk-free environment.

 

K:  Paul Rudd and Mel Mac!

J:  #winningcombos

K:  I love these guys. Slappin da bass

J:  You know what else is good? Ikea spirits! I've had to start drinking and this one tastes like caraway

The bottles are little, I just decided to go for 2 at once

J: The Avengers quintet! This could be hot!

K:  But where's Hemsworth?

J:  Shit, I missed the bit where he did not say Hemsworth's name. This is not hot.

K:  No, no it's not. Ruffalo looks like a young Shattner. Which is to say, not hot

J:  Some people are only hot in movies. Like Marky Mark.

K:  What are you saying, Mate?

J:  I saw Graham Norton on the weekend. Marky Mark and Fassbender were on it! I think Wahlberg was drunk. He was kind of a d-bag. Anyway maybe that’s Ruffalo.

K:  That's so disappointing. How was Fassbender?

J:  Marky Mark kept interrupting him, he hardly spoke but he laughed a lot. I had to admit, the guy has something.

K:  Eureka!

My lappy battery is down to 58% capacity. I'm using at as an indicator of my own capacity.

J:  I don't like Halle Berry but I'm pretty attracted to her dress. I didn't see it in long shot though.

J: There it is. I like it.

K:  It's got some specialness I think. Its certainly better than the other snore makers

J:  Liam!

K:  Liam!

J:  HAHA! Liam still gets the Schindler's List music when he comes out.

I set my TV to change to The Mindy Project in case the Oscars was too boring #forwardthinking

The Phoenixes are sitting next to Jennifer Anniston.

K:  It looks a little out of place, doesn't it? But maybe they are all amigos.

J:  Probs its just difficult to organise the seating plan for the Oscars.

I just found a possum in the kitchen. It scared me. Then I scared it and it ran out the window.

Hey, All That Jazz. From back when they knew how to make musicals. Yes C-Zets!

...Oh, songs from all the musicals in Oscar history. No thanks!

Russell Crowe has seen better days. Oh, there was no prerecording of this Les Mis extravaganza.

K:  Sorry Mate, I was offline for a little bit. But I'm back now for the musical megamix. Holy shit! 

Never mind Russell Crowe , there was a possum in your kitchen?

J:  It came in through the window. It was in the sink.

It ran back out the window and

 K:  Oh the poor little poss. I bet it was thirsty.

J:  Who isn't!

K:  Ha!

K:  I want someone to win something. Someone hunky.  Or someone wearing a good dress

J:  Dream on.

Hang about.

K:  HANG ABOUT!

 

K: I like Ted's Boston accent

J:  I like it too. Also, I love Marky Mark again. Everyone has bad days. Especially when they are drunk.

K:  He's still got it. Whatever MM's version of 'it' is

J:  'It's' special. I know that much.

K:  Yeah, 'it' is. Imagine if Marky Mark was Jewish

J:  Oh, boy.

K:  Oy boy.

Marky Mark and Ted were announcing the best sound editing awards.

K:  Lot of hair in this category...

J:  People sitting in dark rooms doing sound editing. Perfect hair growing conditions.

K:  22% battery left, FYI

J:  UGH. Hathaway. Get off.

K:  Yes please. Get off.

J:  Seriously.

K:  Remember when she hosted? Ugh

J:  Oh, that was the worst! The worst! I think I don't like any actress less.

K:  16 per cent battery mate! #runningonempty

J:  Well, even though these Oscars are boring as the proverbial bat shit (what kind of proverb writer would write one about bat shit?) You've gotta admit the hunk quotient is higher than last year.

K:  A little bit. Just a little bit. No Christian Bale, I can't help but notice.

More DDL wouldn't go astray #ifyouvegotitflauntit

J:  #truedat Still, Marky Mark, the Radcliffe-Gordon Levitt dance, Joaqs in the audience. Last year it was like there wasn't a handsome man in the audience.

K:  So true. Joaqs in the audience has been a real boon.

Where is Casey?

Also, where are the straps on all the dresses of all the ladies? It's just shoulder after shoulder tonight...

J:  Oh, I know. Where is Casey Affleck and where are the straps. But seriously folks, why isn't Casey Affleck there with his brother or brother in-law?

K:  Shit mate, I'm on reserve battery power! 7 per cent!  

J:  I don't if you are still there mate, but KStew and Radcliffe! #togetheratlast

K:  I went to clean my teeth. What did I miss?

J:  Just more broken promises.

K:  That's Oscartown

  

J:  Yep. Another year, another 5 hours wasted.

K:  Oh, no you don't mate!! MY HOMEGIRL

J:  She's rapping

K:  I wish she would do the rap from Austin Powers

J:  #memories

K:  You know, it's surprising one of my brothers isn't gay, what with all the milk of Barbra Streisand we were nursed on.

J:  Probably one of them is #keepitinthecloset HAHAHA! Obviously I do not think either of your brothers is gay

K:  No one does Mate. But I bet we came close. Anyway. I'm going to hit the sack.So who won stuff?

J:  Argo won best movie, DDL won best actor, Ang Lee won best movie, Jennifer Lawrence won best actress. I think. I'm a bit making this up. Improv they call it in the biz. The Internet tells me Django won best original screenplay and Argo won best unoriginal screenplay.

K:  Ha. Well, good for you, winners. Bad luck losers. And goodnight to you my friend. me:   

J: Yep, movies night of nights. Over. Thank God. 'Night.

Real cool and not too costly (PM)

Hey! Miguel told me a great story about Frosty Fruits the other day. It went like this: I ate this delicious thing the other day. Frosty Fruit have put out this new lemon, lime and bitters flavour. That’s what I ate.

Hang on, I guess that story wasn’t that great. But it did make me want to eat a lemon, lime and bitters Frosty Fruit, even though I think original is probably the best. The watermelon and pineapple one sounded promising but it is not as good as the OG. That ad for FF also made me want to eat a Frosty Fruit. They really just do not make ‘em like they used to.

Mostly though, I just want the heat to break. This morning while I was getting my  coffee everyone in the shop was so heat-spaced that I think I somehow caught their spaced outedness. I think that because as soon as I walked out with my coffee I fell off the kerb and stepped on my own toe really painfully. Who knew that was even possible.