What now? (AM)

When I was little and growing up as a tiny  catholic, I used to really worry that God would send me a calling and I would have to become a nun. Catholicism is littered with stories of saints who were just regular folk, going about their business until God called them to his flock. I was very worried this would happen to me and the life that I was making for myself (watching cartoons on Saturday morning, trailing around after my brothers, hoping that the cool kids would accept me) would be over. I liked my life. I didn't want it to be over. I was concerned. 

At first I thought I would just ignore the calling if it came. They seemed to be pretty private affairs, so if I got one in a dream or something, then who would know right? Right? Wrong. Apparently ignoring a call is pretty much the worst thing you can do, worse than murder. Funny how ignoring a call from God will send you to hell forever, but ignoring abuse perpetrated upon hundreds of children will make you a cardinal and let you vote on who gets to be pope. But that's a puzzle for another time. 

As it turned out, I never got a call and I never had to face god's test, and so phew for me. But I was reminded of all this the other day when I faced another test. While walking home from the tram stop, I found a pineapple and two lobsters on the ground, and I am not talking about fruit and crustaceans.   I'm talking ducats. Filthy lucre. Cash money. Just lying on the ground with no visible owner. 

It was a thrilling and alarming discovery. Finding money is the best. But finding so much money? That's quite distressing. The person who lost it would be so upset! I felt I couldn't take it because it was so much money.  But the person who lost it was nowhere to be seen. And I stood there for 10 minutes, waiting to for someone to come by, so I should know. So what was I to do? Leave it there for someone else to find? That didn't seem sensible at all. I was being tested and I didn't know what to do. And Appleheart was not answering his phone because he was at home watching his favourite program, If You Are The One.  Eventually a gust of wind and along and started to scatter the money about the place and for some reason, this prompted me to scoop it up and quickly walk home. But I knew the test wasn't over. So I made this sign and stuck it up on the lamppost right next to where I found it. 

Then I waited for two weeks. No call. 

So, like, is the test over? Is the cash money mine? I'm still confused. 

Miss Soft Crab assorted (PM)

Maxi pads in all the toilets! Wow! That's private healthcare for you!

You know what I'm thinking about nearly non-stop?! This blush-coloured Cheap Monday coat I picked up for $50 on the weekend.

It's true that I was already pretty well sorted for coats. And it's true that I don't believe you should buy something just because it is on mega sale. But it is also true that I am so attracted to this colour at the moment I could not resist. It's also true that just because I believe that thing about not buying things just because they are on mega sale doesn't mean I can always live by it. Finally, and perhaps truest of all is that I love to be warm and my passion for wearing doonas in public is second only to my passion for hot chips. And hunks. And sweet clothes. So now I am the delighted owner of a long pink puffer. 

Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

Yesterday I went on a tour of the hospital where I am going to have the baby. Because I am going to have a baby soon, I had to go to the toilet a couple of times during the 45 minute tour. 

All the toilets have these in them, next to to toilet paper. 

Maxi pads. Maxi pads galore. I'm anticipating that it's going to be a pretty leaky time. 

Speaking of bodies, mine doesn't understand how to work with gloves. By rights, When I put gloves over my cold hands, they should warm up.  That's what happens when I put a jumper on over my cold torso. Not so with gloves. My hands stay just as cold, only covered in glove. My body has not got with the program at all, and it needs to. 

My final thought for the day (seriously, after this I'm having no more thoughts) is that a large part of the reason I exercise before work is that I get to feel smug all day for exercising before work. I'm not happy about being so shallow, but it's the truth. Some mornings, however, there is a really nice sunrise and I get to see it. On those days I feel glad that there is another reason.

Hot (PM)

Forget you, patriarchy. And forget you, Country Road with your $50 hot water bottle jumpers. Honestly. $50 is the same amount of money I spent on the pram I bought on eBay, which came with a wooly sleeping bag which is like a hot water bottle cover for your baby. As if,  CR. As if. 

But pictures of Paul Newman and texts from J in praise of hotties are always welcome here. 

'Here' being the space in front of my eyeballs. 

J's frequent texts about how much she loves her hottie have certainly got me in the mood for a hottie of my own, so much so that when Internet window shopping the other day I felt very tempted to buy this:

Nothing like shopping in a currency you don't understand to make you want to spend money. 

I didn't, of course. But I was tempted. 

Hot (AM)

I think it is probably true of most people that although one may like to think one is open-minded, one probably has to make a bit of effort to see things from another person's perspective. It's not that I am opposed to other people's perspective at all or think that I am always right and no one else is. It's just that I see the world the way I see it and I have to remind myself that not everyone sees it that way. Like often when I hear people are getting married I think, "Why?" LB and I have talked about getting married but I guess we never really saw the point so it always surprises me when people do. Certain people, obvs some people seem totes the marrying kind. When close male friends actually have all-male bucks nights, it's not that I am offended - seriously I'm not at all - just shocked people roll like that.

So it was pretty shocking to me last night when I Googled "hotties" and a page full of semi-naked ladies hit my Google screen.

Here's what happened: I wanted to write a post about how much I am loving hot water bottles right now. I was going to call it "In praise of hotties" and thought it would be hilariously misleading and in the true spirit of Miss Soft Crab to start the post with a picture of a hunk and then actually thought that by simply typing "hotties" into Google I would be gifted by the internet gods a bunch of pictures of Ewan McGregor and Jon Hamm or something. As if the male gaze is not the determinant of the world and the internet. Wow, it was actually kind of blissful to forget about the patriarchy, but boy there is no forgetting it now after the image of all those blondish oiled babes confronted my eyes. Serves me and my objectifying eyes right I guess.

But how good are hot water bottles? I have been taking one to bed regularly and loving the heck out of it too. And pretty regularly texting K to tell her about how much I love my hottie. Looks like Country Road love hot water bottles too. So much so they think charging $50 for a hot water bottle cover is legitimate.

I don't even buy $50 jumpers for my children from Country Road. As if I'd buy a $50 jumper for my hot water bottle. Anyway I'm pretty sure it couldn't improve on hot water bottles.

Anyway here is a hottie to ease you into the day.

Paul Newman's jumper probably didn't even cost fifty bucks. 

Happy not birthday QEII

Vegemite chocolate: the Miss Soft Crab review (PM)

I love a good salt and sugar combo too. And I love trying delicious new things. But I also have a pretty strong gag reflex and a fairly cerebral approach to life, both of which would save me from buying that Vegemite chocolate. Also I'm a total chocolate snob and never buy Cadbury chocolate,  I may have walked by this stuff a hundred times in the supermarket for all I know and just ignored it.

I think perhaps the mistake K is making is thinking that just because a thing was invented and then put on supermarket shelves, it's a good idea. But the strength of flavour of Vegemite has no place with chocolate, I say, and I wouldn't be surprised if the same is true of Guinness.

I'll admit I'm curious about and repulsed by the fact this chocolate has a liquid centre. Is there Vegemite in the middle of each chocolate piece, or just some kind of Vegemite ganache? On top of the mistake of the existence of this product, it seems like a liquid centre is really opting to make it as unpalatable as possible. WTF is happening in Cadbury development? It doesn't matter, I'm not going to eat it. 

Vegemite chocolate: the Miss Soft Crab review (AM)

When it comes to technology, no one with any interest in accuracy would call me an early adopter. I mean, I still use an iPhone 3. New things seem like too much trouble and I've no appetite for trouble. 

But when it comes to food, I am a mother flipping pioneer. I've  already decided that on my last day of work before I go on maternity leave, we're going to have a special leaving lunch of this: 

It's what The Guardian described as 'pizza or pie or neither'. It's going to be gross but maybe delicious and I can't wait.

It's also why this is in the house right now.

I'm sure you've all seen it at the supermarket. I love a bit of dairy milk and I love a smear of Vegemite, so when I saw Cadbury had brought them together I knew I had to try it. I bought it immediately and set about discovering what the total absence of fuss was about.

If I'd thought about it, I would have realised that vegechoc wouldn't be up my alley. I'm all for the pairing of salty and sweet things, but my experiments with Guinness chocolate in Ireland last year taught me that sometimes the pairing of sweet and salty tastes a little like contamination. So it goes with vegechoc. Plus, it's got a liquid centre, which makes me think of it like the dirty discarded piece of a snack chocolate bar. It's OK, but not really tasty enough to 'want' to eat.  You'd really just eat it because it's there. 

Here it is (PM)

It's true, I believe there is a porridge for all seasons. Sometimes if I am out for breakfast and there is no porridge on the menu I basically don't know what to do. If there is a Bircher I'm ok. But only just. 

Having said that though I also believe that winter is really porridge's time to shine. I didn't have porridge this morning cause I felt kind of sick and I didn't want to taint the porridge experience. 

But insofar as there's more to life than porridge, so to winter. Tonight I'm going to eat brassica soup for dinner, probably with some blue cheese. And if that is not one of winter's joys, I don't know what is. 

Here it is (AM)

You guys! Porridge season begins today! 

Though J would say porridge ain't got no season because it's not a fruit/vegetable  and she would be technically right. But it's a true fact that porridge has no greater friend than winter, and winter begins today. When I got up it was 2 degrees. Winter! It's warmed up a little since then. 

I'm feeling strangely positive about winter this morning, which is strange, because last week I totally spat the dummy when I had to go in to the ice cold laundry to get clean underwear from the washing basket. I got all apocalyptic and feared  I wouldn't be able survive months of doing that. Today, I feel kind of good about it. The porridge. The hearty slow cooking. The electric blankets. I'm excited! 

And I should really get this porridge on the stove, so if you'll excuse me...

Is nothing sacred ?!?!?! (PM)

The bodhisattva would be turning in his watery grave! 

Is nothing sacred!?!?! (AM)

Hurtin'

I don't look at Facebook very often. I'd like to say it's only once a week, but in reality it's probably every two days, it just feels comparatively infrequent and my view is probably distorted. I stopped looking because it was so pointless and there was always links to depressing news items about how effed the world is or some post about some dumb shit from a person I don't much care for. Yesterday I looked though, and lucky too because my aunt had sent me a video of a tiny Spider-man-child and I also had an invite to a party. Oh it is the party of a one-year-old, not the kind with booze, but it's still social. So, there I was thinking how lucky it was I'd checked Facebook, scrolling down to see what else I'd missed when I saw, to my horror, a link to the new Point Break trailer. WHAT!?!?! I know! Who even knew there was new Point Break?! Maybe everyone knows, I am certainly no barometer of popular culture, but seriously, WTF?!

When I Googled this fucking schmozzle I was greeted by this article title: Point Break remake gets first trailer as fans of the original wonder why this is happening. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Obviously I watched the trailer. It went for 2:55 mins. At 1:22 I had already felt: UGH; Hahahahahaha how stupid; NO ONE CALLS YOU BODHI YOU ARE NOT BODHI!

The next 1:33 I just sat staring wondering why the eff this is happening. The new Point Break looks like heaps more action and heaps more stupid and I don't understand why they couldn't just make that movie and give it a different title and different names to the Bodhi and Johnny Utah characters and we could all peacefully continue living our lives. Why, for the love of God, WHY?!

This is probably just like that time I got upset about the new Footlose which, of course, because it was shit I never really had to think about after I first heard about it because no one ever spoke of it again. It is likely that is what will happen here. Some comedian called Max Silvestri tweeted "I love the movie Point Break but I've always wondered, "Would this be better if the leads had no charisma?" I'll find out this Christmas!" HAHA!

It's as if movie executives like to embrace challenge so hard they cast uncharismatic actors in stupid films while trampling all over what people in their 30s hold dear to their heart. Look, I like a professional challenge as much as the next person, but these guys are messing with lives.

See! This is why I don't look at Facebook, too many reminders of all that is wrong with the world.

Hardy ha ha (PM)

Hey, I thought autumn/winter was a relative safe zone for hay fever sufferers! What a rip-off! 

I completely share that position on comedians these days,and their loose ways with laughing at their own jokes. If I needed guidance to highlight that something funny has been said, well I just don't accept that what has been said is definitely funny. 

For some reason I associate laughing at one's own jokes with Wil Anderson. Is that a thing he does? Or am I just imposing it on him because I don't really like him? I also dislike it when comedians on TV panel shows laugh way too hard at jokes other panel members have made. That seems very Wil Anderson to me. And also pretty negative. Oh well. Mondays, right? 

Hardy ha ha (AM)

You know what's hard? Trying to think of something amusing to say while your baby inexplicably, incessantly cries and you've got nasty-as-fuck hayfever. Though as things go I guess this is what you'd call a #firstworldproblem.  And even in the first world, this really is barely a problem. The killer part is, though, that I am actually amusing.

Recently in the car home from my parents house I'd made Russeth laugh heartily so many times (three) between Elsternwick and St Kilda Junction that I asked him if he thought I should become a stand-up comic. This elicited the heartiest laugh of all, which I took as a very good sign.

Ha! As if I would become a stand-up comic. I do not get them at all. I mean, I get their jokes usually, but I just think as an art form it would be hard and I don't get how to do it well. And neither do a lot of comics by the looks of things. Badoom cha!

I've noticed recently that comedians tend to laugh at their own jokes all the time these days. First I thought it was just something American comedians did. Mainly because I am a bit racist, but it's not just them. Australians do it, the British do it. Probably it's happening all over but I find it pretty repulsive. I guess they sometimes do it just to make sure the audience knows when to laugh. But if that is the only indication it's laugh time, that comedian should probably stick to their day job. Unless their day job is comedy. I've also noticed they do it when they've just said something mean, probably to make sure we know there is no harm in it. But I can be the judge of that. Probably they also do it so we can all be in on something together. But I'm not that desperate for inclusion. I think they also do it to make their jokes sound fresh, as if they've just said this funny thing for the first time and even they can't stop themselves laughing. But you can usually tell that's bullshit. Anyway, it drives me to distraction. My position is: you tell the jokes and I will be the one to laugh at it.

It's like movies or books that need to explain everything at the end, I effing hate that too, for some of the same reasons I hate this laughing that comedians do. We can figure shit out for ourselves guys.

I guess the moral of this story is that if you've got a crying baby and bad hay fever your output is going to be pretty negative.

Happy Monday!