Summer hiatus

Festive cheer to you, dear readers!

See you in 2016.

2015 ends (PM)

Ok, let's get down to it.

The highlight of my 2015 is, of course, KB. The much anticipated arrival. The first few terrifying weeks. The nights we spent hanging out in the wee small hours. And now, the little adventures we are going on each day, including a lot of Cornish pastie and mince pie testing. Having KB is a thrill. A thrill that kicked off about 5 months ago and doesn't look like letting up any time soon. 2015 gave me a whooper of a treat in KB and it is, hands down, the highlight of my 2015.

I also really liked it when we  moved into our house and got Netflix.

And when J made Golden Gaytime birthday cake for Newbie's birthday.
And now, ending this most awesome year in the UK is pretty outta sight. 

***time lapse***

So this is all that remains of a very long end of year post I tapped out on my phone at 4am.

It's now 5:15 am and when I went to look for pictures of Ewan and Damon to finish with, it all disappeared. I'm too defeated to rewrite it. 

In summary: KB is hands down the best and most memorable thing about 2015.* I'm looking forward to more KB in 2016, and coming home to see all of your cute heads.

And in response to J's bonus questions...

Do you think a cold Christmas will be better than a hot Christmas?
Totally.

If you could see any hunk in London (and there are a few that hang out there) who would you want it to be?

 Do you really need to ask?

 <<insert pic of Damon here>>

 <<insert pic of Ewan here>>


* but I wish I got to see blur...and I think about that fact most days
x

2015 ends (AM)

It is Christmas week! God, can you believe it?! Where does the time go, am I right?! Well, who the fuck knows. What I do know is that it's Christmas on Friday and today is the last day of Miss Soft Crab for the year. Sisters need a rest, yo! So to mark the passing of another year K and I asked each other a few questions. I answer some now and K will be back this afternoon to answer more. Merry everything friends!

What was the highlight of your year? 
Geez, what a question. On the whole I've had a pretty good time in 2015. Not all years are gooduns but this one was. I just did a super quick scroll through all my photos from the year and can confirm this. We had a great trip to the snow, another great one up the coast and generally some good times. But the true highlights really come down to this:

• The ever changing and continuing awesomeness of my children! A 5-year-old is great. Mine says wonderful things and learns new stuff all the time and shares them with me and is a goddamn joy. The other day I asked him what was the best thing that happened at kinder and he said "Smiling with Felix."!!! And a 21-month-old is probably at one of the cutest ages a kid can be at. Mine has a new found love for summer fruits, all of which he identifies as apricots, though he can not say such a complicated word and is only able to call them "cock" and he demands them all through the day.

• Meeting KB! It's rad when your friends have babies and another baby in the Soft Crab family! It's the best. Plus that kid is so goddamn cute.

• Blur. But I'll get to that.

What was the best/most memorable thing you ate or saw or thought about?
Look, K had a baby a week before Blur played in Melbourne. She has a baby now and that is the best. But she also had to miss Blur, so I feel a little bad going on about it, but seeing Blur is the best, most memorable thing I saw and thought about in 2015. And one of the best and most memorable things I've done in my lifetime. For the last two years the MSC end of year roundup was marked by a Most Five and Blur made it into both of mine. Natch they are here now when I finally got to see them. They were so great live, seeing them like that really was awesome. So hot. And their music, I mean shit you guys, their songs are so fucking good.  After seeing Prince I didn't think any live music experience could touch me so deeply but Blur were really, really special.

But I ate a really memorable thing too, it was the plum and green tea soft serve at Supernormal pictured above. It looked festive and that plum ice-cream was effing delicious. I had it when K and I celebrated Mate's Christmas before she went overseas. We got to spend whole hours together eating and drinking and shopping before rushing home to our progeny. It was a lovely day. But that plum ice cream...

What are you looking forward to in 2016?
More Blur. Just jokes. The only Blur I'll be getting will be on my  iPod. Ha! Do people still have iPods? I'm actually quite excited about 2016, basically because I'm planning on working entirely freelance. It's kind of exciting. I have some work lined up but need to pursue some too. Who knows exactly what I'll be doing but I feel like I'll be doing some new stuff. This is the best kind of year I'm my mind, the kind where you don't know what it holds because you know you are going to change something big. I can't wait.

I'm also looking pretty forward to wearing the white jeans I bought recently. Who knows if I can pull them off? But I look forward to the challenge and to looking fucking crisp this summer!

If you won $1000 on a scratchie, what would you spend it on?
Easy. Some art. Probably a photo. Very possibly this one by Tom Blachford.

I love photos and large ones and I have so many white walls and I think about buying art all the time. In particular I like this photo because it kind of looks like a hot night but the pool looks cooling and I guess after the weather of the weekend I want some kind of cooling image in my house. A thousand dollars, you may as well just spend it straight away, right?


Would you rather...the other Hemsworth or the other Affleck (Ben, of course)?

Ben Affleck in a Hemsworth sandwich. Let's just say it's lucky the Would You Rather didn't include sandwiches.

In 2008 I went on a European road trip with my mum and dad and Chickpea and Russeth. Because we spent a fair amount of time in  the car we played quite a lot of Would You Rather. And because we were driving through Germany and Poland and Tom Cruise had just made the film Valkyrie a lot of the scenarios were centred around Hitler and concentration camps in competition with Tom Cruise. Like, "Would you rather have sex with Hitler or live with Tom Cruise for a year?" These were pretty complex questions, but the upshot of the experience is that I really learned to know myself when it comes to Would You Rather. So I can tell you with absolute certainty I would definitely rather Ben Affleck. I do not find the other Hemsworth attractive at all, I have nothing for him and no emotional attachment. Ben Affleck, on the other hand, may go through some pretty repulsive phases, like that entire relationship with J.Lo, but I guess he has a certain something. Especially when he has a beard. Plus I guess I liked him in my youth, so Affleck, all the way.

Oh! Damon what are you doing here? 

PS. After posting this I started thinking of other great things. I just want to add that Tony Abbott being deposed was pretty great and if I'd been more prepared I would have included a video for the Blur song Ong Ong. Feel good track of the year and one of many highlights of the show. Go listen to it!

Big scream (PM)

On Wednesday I finished up work for the year and I guess I pretty much just went into holiday zone in a pretty major way because I spent all of Thursday as if I was on holidays. Went out for breakfast, wagged Baby's swimming lesson, cleaned the house, visited my neighbour, went out for dinner. So extreme was my holiday mode that it took until Friday AM to remember it had just been Thursday and I should have written a blog post. It's not that I forgot MSC, it's just that I have no idea what day it is. All Wednesday I kept thinking I had to write a blog post which I think is the main reason I forgot on Thursday. Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say sorry I'm so tardy. 

I love the movies too but being cash and time poor I hardly ever go. I mean it's really rare. I've never been to a crybaby session, mainly because they're always on at 11am or something and that's a little keen for me and a baby. I took Baby to some regular daytime screenings when I knew the audience would be meagre and that was pretty fucking great. 

And while it's not often true that you can say "only a hunk could improve this" it's pretty often that you could say "a hunk could improve this". What a difference a word makes! 

Big scream (AM)

It has been 20 weeks since KB was born and though I have tried many times during those 20 weeks, yesterday I was  finally successful in taking him to the movies.

I goddamn love the goddamn movies. I probably like movies as much as the next person,  but I love The Movies, as in going to the movies, so goddamn much. I've really missed it, and wish I had done a shit load more of it before KB came along. But no regrets. I also like lying around,  and I'm pretty sure that whenever I thought about going to the movies and didn't go, it was because I wanted to lie around. So do not weep for me, readers. 

I've been really jonesing for the movies though, so I did a bunch of research and figured out when and where I could go with KB. It seems like over here, your big multiplexes aren't so good with the babes in arms screenings. But the local cinema around the corner from where we're staying has what they call Big  Scream sessions,  allowing me to combine my love of going to the movies with my love of puns. Woot! 

We went to see Grandma, which stars Lily Tomlin as an ageing lesbian academic helping her granddaughter get an abortion. Perfect for baby's first trip to the cinema. Really, I didn't  give a shit what was on. I was so happy to be there. I was grinning like an idiot the whole time.  I'm pretty sure I giggled a few times, such was my excitement. The cinema was peppered with ladies just like me, and one fella. Some babies were super new and flat out cried the while time but we didn't care! We were at the movies!

The film was quite enjoyable, but next time I am going to make sure there's a hunk in whatever it is I'm seeing. Only a hunk could make the experience better.

And how many experiences can you say that about??!! 

Something stinks (PM)

Oh wow. Perfume ads really stink, don't they?! There's one on TV at the moment where Gisele Bundchen drives around crying and laughing or some shit. I don't know. I know that I kind of enjoy it 'cause Baz Lurhmann directed it but I also know it feels like a poor man's Gatsby.

Why are perfume ads always trying to tell a story about some rebel woman? The day I believe Julia Roberts is an inspiration is the day I cut off my hands. Which is to say that will never happen because I am very attached to my hands. They're so useful. And the day I believe I need to free myself from the diamond shackles of my life is the day I cut off my dick.

For me the pick of this morning's viewings was the Invictus ad. Hahaha. That made me laugh and laugh. The way that guy walks around and then turns the rugby players to stone and blows them up by the flick of the hands. Hahahs. What a fucking idiot. But if that wasn't enough he walks into a change room full of nearly nude beautiful women who lose there sheet fabric covering once he walks in. Hahahaa. Seriously, WTF Paco Rabanne. 

Sadly for me I misread the last paragraph as "Hemsworth is in this ad" rather than "a Hemsowth" and just spent the whole last ad thinking "THIS IS THE WRONG HEMSWORTH!"  Not even the wolf could salvage it for me. But I could tell through my disappointment that it was another stupid fucking ad. And what about the shape of that stupid Diesel male perfume bottle. Get a real bottle Diesel.

Needless to say, I don't wear perfume and thanks to these idiot advertisers I probably never will.

I will look at this picture of Christmas Thor though to help me get over the disappointment of this morning.

Something stinks (AM)

Here in old blightey, you cannot watch tv for five minutes without seeing an ad for perfume. I guess the perfumiers of the world are counting on the English being unimaginative at Christmas. Or maintaining that grand English tradition of having one shower a week during winter, but perhaps being a little self-conscious about it and wanting to cover up their stink. 

Perfume ads are uniformly idiotic. There is one where Charlize Theron wears a lot of gold and climbs up a large swatch of gold fabric hanging from a gold ceiling. You may have seen it and thought it was idiotic but believe me, it is the least idiotic of them all. May I recommend you have a look at this one, for Paco Rabanne's Invictus fragrance, which is both idiotic and objectionable.

Or this one for Lancome's la vie est belle fragrance, in which Julia Roberts casts of the diamond shackles that are keeping her and everyone at a very fancy party from being themselves.

I could go on and on. 

These ads really cheese me off and whenever I see one (every five minutes, basically) I get annoyed anew. Except for one which makes me laugh and laugh, because it has a Hemsworth and a wolf in it.  This one is for you Matey! 

Christmas List (PM)

Oh boy. End of year malaise. It's as predictable as inconsistent hot weather throughout the Melbourne summer. I know that I previously spoke about how being on leave and having very few social commitments means I am going to nail Christmas this year, but I'm starting to think that was wishful thinking. I have a pile of Christmas cards that I plan to write and send, but whenever I have an opportunity to write them (i.e. when KB is napping), I find myself fucking around on instagram or some such thing. Today, the sun was out for the first time in ages, and when I caught my reflection in the mirror I realised that I have not been able to see my face properly for three weeks. I've basically been in soft focus for weeks and didn't realise it. So I took today's nap time as an opportunity to properly inspect my face. You know, take a good long look at myself and shit you guys, girl is looking old. Anyway, I'm not really nailing Christmas the way I wanted to. Though I can advise that KB is going to look VERY cute on Christmas day due to a very nifty novelty outfit I bought for him.

Christmas list (AM)

Guys, I'm just going to tell it how it is. Here are all the things I feel this time of year, every year:

1. Tired and like I need a motherflipping break.
2. Over it and like I need to motherflipping party.
3. In need of a gin and tonic. Then another. Then a beer.
4. A burning desire to shop and buy new things. Presents, yes, but just as much stuff for me. Clothes, things for the house, lovely stuff. The consumerism in the air touches me deeply and strongly. 
5. Like I really want to cook all the things.
6. That I need a clean house. Not just clean, superclean. Everything washed, things in place, dust-free surfaces. Clean and organised.  
7. A burning desire to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer (when I saw it's on Presto last night I nearly had a heart attack with delight). 
8. A middling desire to watch Elf with my babies.
9. That I just want to eat fruit salad for dinner. 
10. In need of another gun and tonic.

That is all.

First thing's first (PM)

Oh heck, I had written a whole response to this but it's disappeared. The essence of it was that buying three pairs of jeans is a no brainer for first free Tuesday. I did it just before we left for London. Time I could have spent with friends or family but no, I bought three pairs of jeans. No regrets!

First thing's first (AM)

Baby is at kinder Monday-Wednesday and I work Monday and Wednesday which means that the only day I'm at home with just Newbie is Tuesday, but for the last 4 months I've been volunteering at the office of an... ahem... politician. It's better than it sounds. Because I think that this office is full of people trying to do really great things like get people into public housing and help refugee families reunite and replace a coal fire station with some renewable power source and, of course, keep the politician in power.

The volunteer program I was part of was kind of an internship, which I felt reluctant to call it because it made me feel like an old person playing a young person's game, and even though everyone else in the program was younger that me I could mostly ignore that fact. Oh sure, there was than time in a workshop when the chief of staff asked us who had voted in the Kevin 07 election. I didn't get what he meant at first until I looked around at all the shaking heads of people who had still been in high school in 2007.

Other than making me feel old and also really busy, doing the volunteering has been pretty good and I feel like I've learned quite a lot and done some interesting things. The most noteworthy of which was writing a speech that was delivered in "Parliament" (so called, but must have been a room down the hall, away from where the action seems to happen) to as many as nine or maybe even 10 people. In that speech I managed to combine my two great loves, shopping and green politics, so I guess, if nothing else, I've learned that dreams can come true.

But it means that tomorrow is the first Tuesday in months that I kind of have to myself, you know and Newbie. I used to drop Baby at kinder on Tuesday mornings and go straight to do my grocery shopping but after all this time I feel like I need to do something a bit more pressing. At the risk of reliving my recent day off and overwhelming myself with things to do I've decided to commit to one thing and one thing only. And that most important thing, the first thing I'm going to do is restock my jeans supply. (Which, in case you are wondering is not the kind of thing that speech was about.)

I have lost my black jeans and it means that I have pretty much one pair of jeans on high rotation. And by high rotation I mean I basically wear them everyday. I buy all my jeans from Dejour and tomorrow I'm planning on stocking up for reals, I'm going to buy three, THREE pairs of jeans. If they have all the colours I want. The thing about Dejour is that their shades of blue are not consistent, of course that's great, you know, real! And all that, and I guess at worst it means that I might only two pairs of jeans. But when all your dreams are hanging on your first free Tuesday in months, well the colour of them jeans seems pretty important. Maybe I shouldn't even go jeans shopping tomorrow. Maybe I need to do it on another Tuesday, one that doesn't seem so precious. God, can I do nothing with a spare day that doesn't leaving me doubting myself!?!

Things I've done this week (PM)

Seasonal baby clothes are a blessing and a curse. A blessing cause they are so cute, but a curse because babies grow so damn fast and some clothes have such a small window in which the baby can wear them. Add that to a small seasonal window, and whadya got? Hardly any time that your baby can wear all that cute shit!

Baby was so big and bouncing he grew out of so many adorable things so soon. Newbie is pretty mini, which has the benefit of him being able to wear some of the most adorable things for nearly two seasons, if things are a little big in the first season and a little tight in the second.

So I haven't been anywhere special this week not to Harrods and not to the British Museum. Mainly because I'm in Melbourne and I've just been around all the same places I always hang around. But I guess that means I've had the luxury of ignoring Britain's history of pillaging. But I guess every time I walk down Smith Street I have to think about how the British came to Australia, stole it from the Indigenous people while killing them and spreading disease and basically fucking up their lives and those of there descendants, leaving so many of them marginalised and with subpar quality of life, health, finances and so on. So, swings and roundabouts I guess.

Things I've done this week (AM)

Our first week in London was sacrificed on the alter of jetlag. 

This week we've been feeling a bit more normal so have been venturing out for miniature adventures. 

One of the best aspects of this is getting to dress KB up in a variety of adorable winter outfits. I constantly have to resist the urge to squeeze the kid very firmly when he is all dressed up for winter outings. 

This is his most tasteful ensemble. It's a race against time keeping it vomit free, but i enjoy the 20 mins or so we get to do that. 

This one alarms me because he looks so grown up in it. 

'Grown up' might not be the right term but you know what I mean. Adults are not kidding when they say kids grow up so fast.

We catch the tube wherever we go, and KB is strapped to my front in a carrier. People practically leap out of their seats to offer them to us. That simply does not happen on the #86 tram. 

We've been to the V&A and Harrods. Usually for a short time, because I don't want to push KB too far. But yesterday we went to the British museum (mainly because it is near a good coffee shop) and stayed all afternoon. It was great. 

Obviously, one can't visit the British Museum without feeling pretty uncomfortable about how all the stuff that is there really shouldn't be there. But 

it's such a beautiful building, so a pretty great place  in which to ponder Britian's history of pillaging. 

We saw the Rosetta Stone and the genuine imitation Rosetta Stone they used to have on display before the rolled out the real thing. Here is the side view of the fake.

'Captured' is a strong statement for something that can't really get away, isn't it? 

Anyway, the rest of the week is going to follow a similar pattern, but with more decent coffee I hope. 

New opportunities (PM)

So this morning I was listening to the song Parklife and I don’t want to give away any spoilers for when K and I do our annual best of/worst of year round-up but ummmmmmm… the Blur concert was really good. Oh, sorry, that’s not what we’re talking about is it?! Well I hope that show  at the National Theatre that Damon wrote the musicfor is really good.

Meanwhile my December calendar is getting fuller every day. Just when I think I have a free weekend in my sights something gets slotted in there. I mean, all these things will be enjoyable. Hannukah – the Jewish feast of fried foods! A first birthday party – the gang’s feast of food cooked by David! But geez, a girl needs a rest now and again.

And I keep thinking that I should get a jump on things and do my Christmas shopping early, but as each day passes this whole ‘early’ thing becomes ‘timely’ and soon enough it will be ‘late’.

I had a Christmas overseas once. It was in Japan and I think it’s fair to say that Christmas is not a thing there. Sure there are the illuminations (Christmas lights) and a strange tradition of couples going on a date on Christmas eve. On Christmas night LB, Russeth and I went to a bar with some friends, which seemed like someone’s back room and got drunk. So you know, festive but also just like a bunch of other nights.

I think Christmas in the UK would be pretty sweet. There’d be all the recognisable cultural signs of Christmas cheer without all the commitments and pressure of all your family and friends and workplace. Mate, you are going to nail Christmas this year!

New opportunities (AM)

At this time of year I am usually overcome with two emotions: excitement that Christmas is coming and anxiety about the fact that there's so little time until Christmas. I always want to get really excited about Christmas...decorate shit, send Christmas cards, sing Christmas songs. But because December is the world's busiest month, I never get to do all that stuff, hence the anxiety. 

It occurred to me last week, as I was wondering around London's biggest shopping centre sheltering from the rain, that I get to do all that shit this year because my December is totally wide open.  All I have to do this month is go see a show at the National Theatre that Damonn Albarn wrote the music for. Appleheart very kindly bought me a ticket to see it to make up for the fact that we couldn't see blur in Melbourne. Obviously we all know that nothing can make up for that, absolutely nothing. But it's a lovely gesture. 

Anyway, to get the ball rolling on my Christmassy December, I bought KB a novelty Christmas onesie, which I desperately want to show you all but am going to hold off until Christmas Day. Suffice to say it's super adorable and going to make us all want to eat KB with a spoon. 

Bret Easton Ellis, I love you (PM)

This is great news. I'm pretty sick of all my podcasts. For a while there all I wanted to listen to was podcasts about babies. Then I got pretty tired of listening to podcasts about babies. All that information about babies and looking after them? Enough was enough.  I tired to return to my old favourites but my poor attention span meant it was hard to get anything out of them. So I've really been in the podcast wilderness. 

But I'm happy to give BEE a shot. Especially if he is talking to and about the Brat Pack. I made it to that talk J had to miss and he was a delightfully entertaining asshole. He talked about being on Grindr, which was in its very early days, and seemed super creepy and seedy to me but is now here to stay and part of people's lives. That pretty much sums up my feelings about BEE. Creepy and seedy but part of our lives. 

Meanwhile, it's 3am over here and I'm up feeding KB. I must say that life with a new(ish)born makes jetlag very easy to take as being awake at ridiculous hours is par for the course. He is so wide awake though. It's meant to be a dream fees where they barely open their eyes and go straight back to sleep once the eating is done. This guy looks like he wants to stay up all night and talk about his dreams and have a pillow fight and braid my hair. Go to sleep kid! 

Bret Easton Ellis, I love you (AM)

I really was not made for these internet days. I remember in the early days of internet, living with Miguel and David, Miguel had internet in his room. I’d use it sometimes to write an email, maybe look up a thing or two, but I couldn’t spend long hours in front of the computers like my housemates. They are still much better than me at the internet. I know this because they send me links to things I would never have the patience to find. As in, I would never have the patience to roam the 'net for hours on end through one obscure site to the next just to find some hilarious or gross thing.

I have websites I look at regularly but I rarely add to these. I may wander around the 'net for a while if I have purpose but I just don’t have the time or patience to spend a long time looking for potential  best new things. So too with podcasts. I have a few in my rotation but I’m more likely to drop ones I tire of than pick up new ones. But lately my regulars haven’t been giving me what I want, what I need. What do I need? You know what I want right now from my podcast? I want to listen for a good length of time to something enjoyable and immersive, fairly lighthearted but intelligent. But also that won’t punish me if I drift away from it for a couple of minutes. You know what I mean. That! That is what I’ve been wanting. Sure I’ve tried other podcasts outside my regular roster but it’s hard to really connect with one.

When I learned Bret Easton Ellis did podcasts a year or two ago of course I jumped at the chance to listen to it. I love his writing. His earlier books especially are among my all-time favourites and I often lament the fact that I had to miss seeing him speak a few years ago because I was bed-bound with a cold, so his podcast seemed like really a new best thing.  Back then I listened to an episode in which he interviewed BJ Novak. And by "interviewed" I mean he talked for an hour during which BJ Novak was occasionally given the opportunity to interject, answering a question ostensibly directed at him, but evidently posed so that Ellis could offer up his own thoughts on the matter.

This did not make the podcast unenjoyable. To the contrary, the ridiculous self importance of BEE was highly entertaining but I felt at the time like it didn't fit in to my podcast regime. A regime which was largely dedicated to podcast hosts with a much more understated sense of self-importance. 

Yesterday, though, I just knew it was time to really shake things up and that I needed to listen to a totally different kind of thing. No Fresh Air. No This American Life. I remembered The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast and I decided to give it a go and within minute I knew I'd made the right choice. 

I chose to listen to an interview with Judd Nelson which opened with about a 20-minute monologue by BEE, waxing lyrical about what actors are like, about how they play a part all the time, about the difference between them and the other public performance professions. About how they always want to please, always hide something. Nothing he was saying was in the least revelatory, but the guy really has a way with words and although, or because, he really seems like a douche bag it was highly enjoyable listening. It really suited my mood perfectly. It made me remember what it was like to read some of his beautifully crafted sentences for the first time. It made me remember, Bret Easton Ellis, I love you. 

But words are not a man. Of course I don't love him. I hate him. I find him equal parts wonderful and repulsive. Which is of course a balance for the ages. But I certainly enjoyed him. And if you have a passion for the 80s and the movies of the time, listening to Bret Easton Ellis talk to Judd Nelson about The Breakfast Club and St Elmo's Fire was always going to be a joy. Listening to BEE recount the way Emilio Estevez and other hot young things were perceived and presented in the media of the time is a great insight into the pop culture of a time I was too young to be aware of. I really felt like I gained an insight into a time and place listening to that episode. And I love that. It is basically my main thrill in intellectual life. 

Guys, I think BEE has found his way onto my podcast roster.