News of the week

You may be wondering what the hell happened on Monday afternoon. Y'all must have been on tenterhooks wondering what K had to say about Next Blog. Did she give it a whirl and find some little weirdos sharing their lives? Or did she just want to reflect on the guy in the airport? But she never posted. Wow it's  as if she didn't even care what the world of next blog had to offer her.

Well for a long time Miss Soft Crab was the most important crab in K's life. I assume. But now she has her own little crab to tend to and he's a tiny little critter demanding all her attention. So please excuse us for a couple of weeks while K figures out what's going on and I take a hard(ly)-earned break from this hard blog slog. Come back in a couple of weeks for a highly refreshed me and a likely delirious K. Or news of a hiatus extension. Who knows what's going to happen. But rest assured readers we'll be back soon enough.

Congratulations Mate!

Next blog 2015 (AM)

Remember next blog? Way back in the early days of Miss Soft Crab I was curious about where the Internet would take me if I hit that button on the top bar of MSC that says Next Blog. What I found was a bunch of boring people talking about their families and a bunch of other people talking about food.

I started thinking about it again during the week when someone said to me "You know how we talk about all this mundane stuff, do you know some people talk about it on the Internet?!" Oh the naïveté of a person new to Instagram and that does clearly not read blogs. Or write them. Ahem. "Do they?" I asked. And although I'd like to think I don't write about the same boring shit I talk to people about, like cleaning the house and putting children to bed and what I'm going to do with my life, I know that's not really true. Half the time I wish I wasn't even talking about that boring stuff.

So it got me wondering whether hitting Next Blog would bring me the same annoying content Instagram is always trying to shove in me face: uncluttered houses and mothers baking and drinking wine and struggling and loving it and  all that rubbish. That's basically what she was talking about. People complain-bragging about their life on the Internet. I wondered if blogs had followed Instagram so far that this lifestyle thing would be overwhelming in the same way food blogs were when I first went exploring in 2011. So it was that last night for the first time in a long time I hit Next Blog. 

Things seemed to have changed in blogs, but not as you'd expect. At first the blogs I came across seemed more interesting, weirder and funnier. The first one I came across was by a guy who draws little cartons and takes photos, including some darling ones of his snow covered backyard and a pig with a snowy chin. 

The second was by a guy who, among other things, recounted 8 hours he'd spent in a Florida airport over night because, as far as I could tell, he did not want to pay the exorbitant late night shuttle bus fees to get to town. Suck it up bro. Seriously. This guy was quite funny, but then you really have to wonder about his life choices. I mean he just walked around na airport for eight hours. Because he didn't want to pay for a shuttle.

Although that might sound boring it wasn't really and it kind of got my hopes up for what would come next. But sadly things became completely monotone after that. It was just beer blog after beer blog. Mainly by guys with beards I guess. So I guess blogs have followed Instagram fashions, but not quite how I'd expected. And the weird funny blogs are still few and far between. Lucky you guys have already found Miss Soft Crab. My verdict is, you may as well stay here, 'cause Next Blog got not much for ya.

How do you wear that? - Bandanas

Gee, I really hope that K was asking the universe in general about how to wear bandanas, because if she was asking me she was seriously barking up the wrong tree. I barely know how to wear everyday items like a dress. This morning I decided I wanted to wear something other than jeans and a jumper but just ended up dressed like a mourning Amish woman.

Then in a move to rectify the situation before leaving the house I changed my shoes and coat but just ended up looking like a mourning Amish woman with bling on her feet. So don't look at me for advice on how to wear any damn thing. Even Amish women don't wear headscarves and instead opt for those funny hats that remind me of what doctors wear in surgery.

Oh sure, I've worn a bandana from time to time, even with the occasional successful outcome which leads me to think I'm going to do it on the regular and it will become as part of my signature style as jeans and jumpers. Part I quickly learn any success I've had with bandanas was a fluke and I was just a fool to believe.

So really, how do you wear that?

How do you wear that? - Bandannas (AM)

I have a great idea for a new Miss Soft Crab segment. It's called How Do You Wear That? 

Perhaps unsurprisingly, it involves the Misses Soft Crab discussing how to go about implementing a particular look one of us wants to try for ourselves. Great idea, right? Maybe, maybe not, let's find out.  

First up: headscarves, or bandannas, or whatever you want to call them. 

The other day I went to see Far From the Madding Crowd because it was very cold and I didn't want to just stay home in front of the heater, yet I also wanted to stay warm, so it was off to the cinema with me. 

Anyway, Carey Mulligan spends a goodly part of the film wearing a headscarf/bandanna type thing and working in the fields in very beautiful golden light. 

See? 

Her hair is pretty but it also looks like it's substantially out of her way, which is very appealing to me. 

I knew straight away that I wanted to try it for myself. And not in the half-hearted ways I have experimented with headscarves before. I mean, we've all put a scarf around our head, but it can go pretty terribly wrong. For every Carey Mulligan there's a chump wearing a bandanna in a way that just doesn't quite sit right and you know they are hurting inside because they dared to go for a look, but didn't pull it off and have to walk around all day with the equivalent of a scarlet letter on their dress. 

American and English royalty seem to be particularly at-risk when it comes to effing up the headscarf. 

And you know it hurts me to highlight this failure, because you know how we feel about QEII style on this blog. 

Anyway, I need to know how to wear a bandanna in a way that keeps the hair off my face, but probably lets my fringe out, but also feels nice and snug and secure and not like it's going to become displaced and more trouble than it's worth (which is pretty much my previous experience).

Do I need a bandanna of specific dimensions, or is it more about the fold and tie? Do people think there is room for hair out and a bandanna, or is it mostly an up-do kind of thing? 

Are there other things I should ask/know?

Basically, I just want to know how to wear that...

Surviving the Antarctic vortex (PM)

The last couple of days have been pretty cold, and I expect that it will continue for the rest of the week. That expectation being based on the BOM website. But as K pointed out it IS LITERALLY THE MIDDLE OF WINTER! LITERALLY! So, nut the eff up everyone. Or, as my computer just auto-corrected that to, nut the Jeff up! HA.

Winter, should be cold. That is its whole raison d'être! From memory last winter was pretty mild, and frankly I feel a little ripped off when you don't have at least a few good cold days. Don't get me wrong, I don't want winter to be lost to an entire 3 months in the Antarctic vortex but I do like an excuse to rug up a bit and wear some of what can only be described as a surplus of coats, given what global warming is doing to the seasons. Plus today I am working in a library with a jumper on and a view of nude trees, it's classic winter and I love it.

This brings us to the more important issue of the media. I am not lying when I say that barely a day goes by that I don't lament the work of the media. They are truly such fear mongers. If they are not trying to work us into a fear of an Antarctic vortex they are telling us that we should be worried a terrorist attack is imminent and just to be safe we should probably be scared of anyone with brown skin. Also anyone that decides to catch a boat here is probably evil. And wants to steal our jobs. Of which there are hardly any anyway. Also if you are a woman you better watch out when you walk down the street. Also if you are a bloke too because you may get king hit. But even though men actually are in more danger of violence in the street than women you still don't need to be as scared as women. You know, because... women. Also be scared of ice. The drug, not the stuff from the Antarctic vortex.

Seriously media, I live in this city, and sure I spend my time mainly in the relatively affluent areas but I just think maybe we all need to chill the Jeff out. Which should be easy given the Antarctic blast.

Surviving the Antarctic vortex (AM)

When the news started going on about the Antarctic vortex weather pattern that was coming our way this past weekend, I responded in two ways.
First, I freaked out because I tend to run pretty cold and the words Antarctic and Vortex sound very very cold to me. I wondered how the eff I would manage to stay warm and comfortable in an Antarctic vortex when I have about five items of clothing that I still fit into and only one of them would be anywhere near appropriate for an Antarctic vortex.
Then, perhaps as evidence of my growing maturity (or my difficulty giving a shit about anything that doesn't relate to my current life-stage) I thought hang on a second...how cold are we talking here? When I looked at the forecast my attitude changed from fearful to smug. The Antarctic vortex was going to bring weather of between 5 and 13 degrees.
Sure, that's effing cold. But it's also the kind of rubbish Melbourne weather we get every single winter. It lasts a few days, then it gets better. Perhaps we have two or three waves of it, then it gets better.
So what we're dealing with here is Melbourne media's tendency to go apeshit over a little bit of entirely season-appropriate weather. It really cheeses me off, the way they do that. Getting through winter is no picnic. It is literally, no picnic. And being told that some terrifyingly named weather patter is in its way just makes it harder.
So shut-up media. We're all doing the best we can, and you're not helping.
But on a positive note, last night's ABC news kept showing footage of a samoyed running in the snow and very clearly loving life, which was very nice to see. It's the perfect weather for those guys!

What I have learned about having babies (The next day)

Yesterday, J posted about the things she has learned about having babies. Then I posted about how I am struggling to manage my time while on maternity leave.
Now I should really talk about what I have learned about having babies. But the truth is, everything I have learned about having babies has led me to form the view that I will never, ever, ever be prepared for having a baby. J said as much. Everyone says as much. So apart from following some useful tips I've received that relate to things like lighting, music and the timing of episiotomy, I'm basically just going to wing it.
Last night someone told me that giving birth is a real out of body experience, though not so out of body that you're removed from the pain. No sirree. It made me think about the time I went to see Batman, the original Batman, at the movies when I was about 8 or 9 and I had the beginnings of gastro but pretended I was fine because I really wanted to see Batman.

I was in a very strange place watching that film and it was certainly the closest I've had to an out of body experience. My memories of it are that it's pretty psychedelic, but I don't think that's right. I know enough to know that having a baby probably won't be like watching Batman. But mostly I'm just excited to find out.

Placeholder!

I really like J's reflections on what she has learnt about having babies. And I want to give it the response it deserves, but what I have learnt about cooking babies is that it is a very tiring caper. And I am not yet used to managing my time while on maternity leave. I just got back from seeing the Amy Winehouse movie and have to go out again in 5 mins. I don't know how people juggle so much stuff, including their feelings about Amy Winehouse and how tragic her life story is. So, come back tomorrow for an  out of session response to J's post and I'll spill my guts for you guys. Not literally. 

I really hope. 

What I have learned about having babies (AM)

As K approaches her due date we've been talking about having babies. Mainly about birth. Sometimes there is criticism in the world about how much focus there is on labour given it is only one day and motherhood is for life and blah blah blah. But to those critics I say eff the hell off. Labour is hard and horrible and I'm sure that preparing for it helps. But having said that it really is so full on you can't really get it until your in it. At least that is what I found. But when I had Baby I didn't really have anyone close to me that had already had babies. There was my mum of course, but that was nearly 30 years earlier. I didn't have any close friends that had babies so there was not a lot fresh information. Oh sure I read a bit and I spoke to health professionals but other than that there was not a lot for me.

Childbirth in movies seems so over the top but simultaneously somehow not extreme enough. You certainly can't learn anything from movies. You know, unlike all the real life stuff you can learn from them, like how you will probably end up with Ryan Gosling and also all the bitches you went to school with will lose and you will win and also you will be able to afford really nice clothes and a nice apartment even though you never seem to work. And having babies is the kind of thing that even when you see an accurate representation in a movie you don't know it's accurate until it is happening to you.

For example, the most accurate representation of the early days of motherhood is that scene in Raising Arizona when Nicholas Cage first steals the baby and Holly Hunter just starts sobbing and repeating "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!"

That is basically exactly what having a baby is like. It was for me anyway. But that's not really helpful is it? Though perhaps if you're expecting that feeling you won't feel so confronted by it.

I was in a public hospital when I had Baby, so less than 48 hours after he was born I was sent home with my baby having been shown how to bath him and told to ensure that his penis was always pointing down and the frills of his nappy pulled out so as to avoid leakage. It seemed pretty crazy and irresponsible of the hospital that they would let me take a tiny human home with so little knowledge to keep us both alive and happy, but I guess they do it every day and must have a pretty reasonable success rate. We're all alive and pretty happy, so I guess the hospital know what they are doing.

If in doubt there is always Wikipedia's parenting page.

Slightly stalkerish (PM)

Well this is timely. I came to Miss Soft Crab today after a period of trawling through instagram, mainly because today is my first day of maternity leave and I'm not sure what else to do.

Just jokes. Actually, it's because KJ sent me this photo, from Amanda Palmer's instagram:

Apparently Amanda Palmer is pregnant, and if there's one fact about pregnancy that no one warned me about, it's that all other pregnant women become extremely fascinating. And what better way to indulge this fascination than trawling through her instragram account for all pregnancy related photos. 

That fits safely into the category of following far away celebrities that have no impact on my life.

But I'm vulnerable to following folk who are within arms reach. And I've felt creepy about it. 

For example, there's this woman from Hobart who writes a blog about her life in Hobart. She mainly writes brief posts about something she has eaten, seen or thought about but she takes really nice photos and has a dog, a Springer Spaniel, who she calls Jerry Springer Spaniel. Appleheart is from Hobart and I think it's of those places where everyone knows everyone, so I've wanted to be on the DL about it, in case he knows her. I don't want to feel creepy, you know? It helps that I don't know her name and she doesn't post pictures of herself. But she had a baby recently and so naturally I started following her on instragram. 

It was all going well until a couple of weekends ago. I was scrolling through instagram and noted a photo from All Day Donuts announcing they were out of donuts for the day. Then a few scrolls later I saw a photo of a collection of those unmistakable all day donuts from this girl and I thought "oh, she's in Melbourne, and lucky she made it to all day donuts before they sold out!"

Ewwwwww! Creeepy!

Slightly stalkerish (AM)

It's no secret that I love Instagram. It's like an amuse-yeux, if you will. But there's definitely a slightly creepy component. When you follow your friends on Instagram it seems fine. They are posting pictures for their friends and it's like we're all in all this together. When you follow celebrities it's fine too. They know they are famous and that thousands or hundreds of thousands or millions of people are looking at their pictures. I'm ok with that. But following minor Melbourne-based celebrities makes me feel a bit off. 

The thing about Instagram is that it's really easy for one thing to lead to another and bada bing bada bang you're following some celebrity you have a middling to negligible interest in. Which explains why I follow Hugh Jackman and Dianne Kruger (?!) So it was that I found myself following Henry Wagons, who is a pretty prolific  Instagramer. There I was, just seeing what he was up to several times a day, so when he brought his baby daughter into the pool where Baby has swimming lessons I was confronted by that creepy feeling of knowing way too much about the stranger standing right in front of me. It's fine feeling like you know a celebrity on the other side of the world because they are completely removed from you but there is something disconcerting about that feeling when it involves some guy you just see around. Needless to say I stopped following Henry Wagons. But it happens with other people too and it's slightly uncomfortable for me. 

Given this is how I feel about the stalkerish nature of Instagram I was pretty surprised by the turn I took on a recent late-night jaunt through the search function. 

You see when you go into the search function, Instagram offers suggestions of people you might like to follow, people with similar followers or followees or hashtags or locations or who-knows-what to the people you already follow, and so it was that a picture posted by a local gallery came to my attention. And in that picture was a woman I recognised as a distant neighbour. She lives in my street but way down the other end so I don't know her, I just walk past her frequently as she works in her garage with the roller door open right into the street, working at a desk or pottering around surrounded by small prints 5-10 centimetres wide. She's always working away looking contented and I've wondered about her so many times. What is she doing? Are those her prints? Is this her job? Her life? It's just this lovely little studio in a garage and she really captured my imagination, so I could hardly believe that I'd just stumbled on this picture of her. Of course it was only a couple of clicks before I was following her on Instagram and now I know so much more about her. How she has cats, of course, that seem to be like children. And she's renovating her house. And yes she's a print maker and those are her lovely little prints around her studio. And contrary to what you may think, this glimpse into her life hasn't disappointed me at all. I love it. And she's not a friend or a celebrity. Just an artist with a public Instagram account. I haven't walked past her since this has happened so I guess it remains to be seen how I feel about this situation. I guess I may feel a little too creepy and have to stop following her, but right now I don't feel nearly as uncomfortable about it as I'd have suspected. Well, not after the first 10 minutes when I wondered if this was indeed a weird thing to do. I mean, her account is public. What a strange new world.

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (PM)

Bennifer II are splitting up?! See that's why I don't read the paper. Not really, I don't read the paper because when I read about anything the government or  opposition say or do I get so depressed and world events... Forget about it. And even though it's great for the US that they have marriage equality it just made me so depressed that those conservative United States are more progressive than Australia. Seriously WTF?!

But a box of assorted has to have some delights too, right?! I can't stop thinking about this bread my neighbour made yesterday. It's based on a no-knead recipe from the NY Times and it was so freaking good we ate half a loaf in one sitting. Slathered with butter and Vegemite. Yeah boyeeeeeee! I'm planning to make it ASAP. I'd link to the recipe but I'm writing this on my phone as we head to the snow. 

And snow is delightful!

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

I'm quite sure I served up a box of Miss Soft Crab assorted the other day, and I'm sorry to do so again so soon. But these days I ponder things for about 20 seconds at most so I'm afraid it's a bit of a necessity. 

First, the news. 

Sorry to start on a downer, but day after day it starts terrible and stays terrible and it doesn't look like letting up soon. It's changing the way I read the newspaper. Or you know, the newspaper on the Internet. I assume things are a bit of a catastrophe as a starting point, such that when I read Bennifer II are breaking up I immediately thought "oh no, not Bennifer II" and it took a few moments before I thought "oh wait, I don't give a shit about Bennifer II". I have no solutions, this one is a pure whinge.

Second, nice things.

I've got two nice things that keep popping into my thoughts. First, this view of the city. It's such a rip snorter and I love getting to see it each day. 

One of the benefits of the commute from the new neighbourhood.

The other thing I keep thinking about are these delicious eggplant and potato curry wraps J and I used to regularly buy from the student union building and eat when we were at uni. Goddamn they were good. Is that place still open? Perhaps chickpea could do some recon for us and if so, we could all go there for a lovely lunch soon.