Some things never change (PM)

First of all, sorry for the late post you guys. Being in the northern hemisphere is the the worst when you have a southern hemisphere deadline. Late at night is the best time to blog I think, but staying awake past 10pm is hard when you spend all day walking around, or when you are me. 

But enough excuses. We'll sort something out as the weeks progress. And right now we've got shit to talk about. Literally! Ha. Not really. But check it out: I am totally writing this from a very cold bathroom! Its 8am over here and i didn't want  to disturb the sleeping Appleheart so I snuck in to the bathroom to write this. I'm perched on a bath under an open window. Before I even read the AM, I was thinking sheesh, London, warm up why don't you because it was cold in there. And you can believe getting out of bed was no picnic. Which is what's waiting for all of us on the other side of dragging ourselves away from the heater, brushing our teeth and getting in to bed. Sleep, then getting out of bed in to the cold morning. Which is where I am right now! How do we break the cycle?!

I don't want to be negative because I am holidays and after I write this I am going to have a hot hot shower and then see this. So a little coldness between the bed and the shower is obviously not too much of a hardship. But you know. Heaters might be the way forward.

Also, maybe, just maybe, this is the way forward. It's a down puffer jacket in a pink gingham pattern I tried on yesterday and felt troubled by how much I liked it.
Would it be crazy to get it?
I am thinking more about the Melbourne winter, rather than walking from the bed to the bathroom.
Mate, what do you think?

Some things never change (AM)

In my early twenties I lived in a great flat with Miguel and David. In those heady days of Playstation 2, Nintendo 64, instant mee goreng,  driving around aimlessly, drinking, and working part time I could do what I want. Go to bed when I wanted. Wake up when I wanted, I guess. What a sweet life. I'd go to bed late for all sorts of great reasons, like Tony Delroy's quiz was a really good one or someone came home with a bottle of vodka or we had a really competitive game of Tekken going on. But without doubt the thing that kept me up most was my aversion to that time in between leaving my usual post in front if the heater and getting into bed. Teeth brushing time. Don't get me wrong. I love brushing my teeth. In fact back in those days I even wrote a song about it.  I guess this is really just a winter thing, but the memory is strong. I'd be lying in front of the heater and be so tired I'd just want to be in bed. But if there was one thing I can not do, it is go to bed without brushing my teeth. Ughhhh. But I would be so warm and comfy I would not, for love nor money*, be able to rouse myself to go to bed, because the cold bathroom and time between floor and bed were so repellent. Eventually I'd get to bed, teeth clean, but it was so hard. Until I was doing it, really it was fine then. And after the teeth, I would be in a warm bed and I'd be the happiest I'd been all night. 

Perhaps the memory is so vivid because I felt the exact same way last night. Lying in front of the heater, warm and sleepy and a cold bathroom between me and bed, but now it's even harder because there is a smart phone to keep me company. Well last night, as every night, I got up to go brush my teeth and go to bed. And of course, it was fine. It's always the pulling away from the heater that is hardest. But I couldn't help look back over my life, at all the nights I didn't want to walk that bridge from warm room to bed and wondered why the fuck I can't just get a warm house?!


*lie

Found (0(k goes global

Hi guys, you know I wouldn't usually start the week off with something like FC, but let's look at the facts.

1. FC is a winner every time.

2. In the very recent past K just stepped off a plane after a real long flight. Do we want her to worry about responding to a post? Hell no! So we are giving girlfriend the day off! (Unless you want to chime in, Matey. Always welcome on your own blog.)

3. I have some excellent FC that I think really pay homage to K's trip. Because I have cock from close to home and far flung cock and I just thought it would be timely to look at it today. So let's get into it. Shall we?

Soon, we will look at some international FC, but first I want to celebrate the gifted cocks from friends closer to home. We all remember the time a penis-like eggplant turned up on my phone from an unknown number, right? Of course we do. Well, being a great brother, Russeth did not end there. One night I got a delightful message with this in it.

HAHAHAHAHAHA! This time I had a reasonable idea who it was from. At least I could narrow it down to a few of Russeth's freinds. And guys, there is nothing that warms the cockles of your hear like the receipt of hilarious cock in your inbox. The next night I got this:

 

I can only assume that the giant phallus behind that footy player's head is a symbol of the Fremantle Dockers ground. It's dockers guys, with an 'o'! Idiots.

Obviously, FC has really touched the hearts and minds of many. In the early days of FC all the way over in the US of A, Mondonna and her friends had a field day with it. And things got real creative.

 

Great work, guys!

Here's a picture CarLovers sent me from the city of food and romance, gay Paris. Onc!

Courgette

But by far the most exotic cock is this one, simple and classic, found in Valparaiso by Toni. Thanks Toni! FC in Chile! Nice!

It just shows you can find cock anywhere in anything. But let's finish off closer to home. This delight was found by K herself. Mate, let's hope your travels are full of fun and FC!

Eeeww, chewy!

Hightailing it (PM)

K is leaving in 2 days. She is really lucky. I bet it was almost impossible to focus on writing that post. In truth it is essentially impossible for me to focus on writing this post because I have been bedridden for 2 days after a night of spewing and if I didn't have a small child to look after I would still be in bed now. In fact I barely know what I am writing.

I miss things too. Mostly the feeling of normal and not having the desire to spew all the time. But you know what is good about missing stuff, having a beautiful reunion when you are reunited.

Have a great trip mate. I'll miss you.

Hightailing it (AM)

I'm about to hightail it out of here for a six week that's right six week holiday.
I'm heading north to a bunch of places I've never been.
I'm so excited I start to quake a little when I think about, it so I have to stop thinking about it.
Back to the here and now.

Here are some things I'm going to miss when I'm gone.

I'm going to miss those sweet sweet winter fruits like the oranges and the apples. Also mandarins, which aren't too good yet but there getting there. Plus, they have the only fruit sticker that I don't mind.

Gaypak. Heh.

I'm going to miss going to J's place for afternoon tea, and seeing Baby on his birthday. That's something I'm going to miss.

I'm going to miss Niecey and Little Nut.

And Midbro's willingness to do whatever it takes to amuse us, including putting Niecey in a green bag. Which she really liked! That's Little Nut in the background, in the minimal supervision zone.

Yeah, I'm going to miss all of that stuff while I'm having a whale of a time, possibly literally. I'm going to keep you guys posted of course. But bye for now readers. Bye for now.

Sunday Baking (PM)

You know, readers, I actually heard about this cake yesterday while K was at my house eating a cake that I baked yesterday and it troubled me. I bake a sponge using the Stephanie Alexander recipe from The Cooks Companion. It is a really good one. One of the things StepAl says is that you can cook it in two tins or cook it in one. Now that sounds flexible. Me, I've cooked it in round tins cooked it in loaf tins, had a perfect sponge every time and it just makes me think, what's the point in having a non-versatile sponge recipe when there are super versatile recipes out there? Fail D-Smithy.

As for me I cooked a pretty perfect cake yesterday. I had a pretty great birthday haul this year including these:

And these:

And when K said she may drop in on Sunday I thought I better make cake. Plus with a KitchenAid and great recipe doing all the work all I had to do was put stuff I'm a bowl and flick a switch. Then let some dough rise. Oh, then roll out dough, smear it with chocolate goo, roll it up Swiss roll-style, cut the Swiss roll in half lengthwise, plait the two halves, let it rise in a tin and bake it. And after that simple affair I would have a babka! Or, as it is called in Jerusalem and probably Jerusalem, a chocolate krantz.

I've been wanting to make this babka from Smitten Kitchen for ages, because a babka is one of the worlds finest cakes, but somehow I haven't got around to it but when I saw the recipe in Jerusalem nothing could stop me. Really, it was about 3 hours before seeing the recipe and having the ingredients christening the bowl of my KitchenAid. It's the kind of recipe in which the author apologies for the fiddliness or difficulty but in truth it really is just a bunch of simple steps. That's what I have discovered about so many fancy foodstuffs, they are easy they just take time. Cooking is easy.  Just listen to Delia Smith.*



*Not really,what does she know?!

Sunday Baking (AM)

Delia Smith is a doyenne of English home cooking who has lately been mouthing off about the fact that cooking shows don't teach people how to cook. Happily, she has a website that does, or she says.  Yesterday, I watched her tutorial on making sponge cakes and then baked a walnut coffee sponge to take to Mum and Dad's for lunch. I felt like the combination of walnut and coffee was nice and autumnal, and had an old school quality that would make it appealing to my pezzies. The idea that I was making something that appealed to their tastes more than mine made me feel like a really great person, so that's what I did.

Here is some of the stuff that goes in the cake. 

Just the usual really. However, Delia uses self raising flour as well as baking powder. That confused me. And she doesn't separate the eggs and whip the egg whites. You know, to make the cake nice and airy. She just whacks them in there holus bolus. The only airiness comes from sifting flour. 

I was dubious about that.

Everything gets mixed together and then chopped walnuts are folded through. 

Then, the mixture is divided by two 18cm cake pans and baked for 25 minutes.  

Here is where my troubles began. In Delia's tutorial, she told me that tin size is very important in making cakes. But she didn't tell me why, nor the likely consequences of deviating from the recommended tin girth, which I was forced to do because I didn't have the right cake tins.

I don't know it was because of the tins or because my butter was melted instead of just being softened, or whether it has something to do with not separating the eggs, but my sponge cakes came out of the oven like pancakes, barely having risen at all. 

It didn't really matter when I sandwiched them together and slathered them with coffee cream. 

But still, I feel like Delia let me down. A sponge's raison d'etre is lightness and airiness. Without that, it's just a cake. Delia's recipe did not make a light airy sponge, and that makes me feel like she let me down. Did we eat it all? Of course we did, we are not crazy. Was it delicious? It was pretty damned delicious. But sheesh, if one of the world's problems is that no one teaches people how to cook anymore,  I'm not sure D-Smithy is the woman for the job. 

The nail tutorial (PM)

But shit mate, they look so cute! Obviously I wasn't the one that had to sit around, immobile and with a baby to care for, waiting for the paint to dry but heck, the cuteness of the final product has me thinking that maybe it's worth it.

As for me, my nails are kind of stumpy and nail polish doesn't look that great on them, so I steer clear of it mostly and therefore will never have to face this dilemma. The only thing that makes me want to wear nail polish is so my hands will look more like my Mum's hands. 

Hear me out. 

Lately, I've caught the odd glimpse of my hands and thought wow, they look just like I remember Mum's hands looking when I was little. And I don't know about you people but I LOVED my Mum's hands when I was little. Still do, in fact. They were always holding nice things like snacks or tissues, and they were the things she used when she did all that soothing head patting when I was sick and hand holding when I was crossing the street. And they always had nail polish on them. The pearly kind, that was favoured by women in the 1980s. Still do, in fact. 

Nowadays, when I see my own hands looking like hers all those memories come to me and it instantly makes me feel good. Instantly! And sometimes I think that if I put pearly nail polish on them then the resemblance would be even greater and I would feel great all the time. But then I think I would have pearly nail polish on my hands and that doesn't seem so appealing. 

Anyway Mate, maybe you should think about the magical memories that may be forming in Baby's mind when you have cute nails. Maybe having cute nails makes you a better parent?

The nail tutorial (AM)

A while ago I had this nail polish concept I wanted to try out with a new dress. Well, I had a colour concept and wondered what I could do with it on my nails. Then I remembered that Frandonna had told me about this nail website she looks at and how she does great things on her nails. And I thought about how people are always telling me to watch beauty tutorials on YouTube. Putting that in writing I'm also wondering if they are trying to tell me something about my grooming habits, but let's leave that to another day. Anyway, these thoughts all lead me to one other thought: "Hells yeah, next time I have some Baby-free time that does not need to be filled with cleaning,  blogging, working or sleeping I'm going to learn how to do fancy nails!" Then I chastised myself for a while: "Gee J, why you so shallow, you gonna waste free time on your nails. You disgust me! Write, read, knit, do something productive!" So I put the nail idea out of my head and learnt neither how to do fancy nails nor spend time bettering myself.

And then, just the other day some free time came upon me. And I used it in a bunch of ways. I knitted, read, wrote and then, then I decided I could paint my nails. You see days before that I had been wearing some pink nail polish that had started flaking from the base of my nails and I thought, "Hey, this reverse moon phenomenon that is probably already passe may be onto something. This looks cute!" And so with this free time I decided to reverse moon my nails. First I was going to use two shades of pink, but after reading a tutorial "by" Heidi Klum I decided to go for navy and light green.

Let me give you a run down of how it works.

1. Paint light colour on nails two times. Wait half an hour.

2. Put semicircle sticker on bottom of nail paint dark colour on. Two times.

3. Wait 10 minutes. Remove stickers.

4. Woila!

Sounds simple right. Well, technically it is. But do you know how boring waiting half an hour is? Do you know what it's like when your baby waits up while you are trying some new shit with your nails? Somehow I managed to drop the polish brush and get navy nail polish everywhere. I've never done that before. I blame the fancy nails.



And. Do you know how long it takes four coats of nail polish to dry? From what I can tell, forever.

Sure, I could remove the stickers. And sure my nails did look pretty damn sweet, but every time my nails brushed or knocked a thing the polish smudged. In the end I had to remove it all. Well. I may not have finished the day with hot nails, but at least I gave it a shot, and now I know I don't have to waste time on nail polish tutorials any more. 

Life Lessons (PM)

Lil'Sis is still young, that's her fault, there's so much she has to go through. 
But I guess it's true. Middle aged men of the silver screen are all the same to a teenage girl.
As if we would ever have differentiated between, say James Caan and George Segal when we were little. No way no how.

 

Just quickly, I wish James Caan spelled his name Jame Carn'. That would be great!


Of course, all bets are off when it comes to these guys.
I don't care when a lady comes of age. That these men are hunks is as plain as the nose on your face.

Life leassons (AM)

This weekend Pickle and I had a joint birthday party. It was a little early for me, but whaddya gonna do when you wanna share a party with someone? It was really fun. Thanks everyone!

The first time we shared a birthday party we used something like this image:

It was a great party, a great invite, and I felt like we cast ourselves perfectly as Laverne and Shirley. It was hard to think of who should represent us this year, but after some consideration I think we chose the perfect couple:

Then, not now that they hate each other. (What happened Gwyno?!) When we came up with the invite I was really happy with it and that day I had lunch with LB and his youngest sister. She is 15. I was telling them about the invite, giving Lil'Sis some background on the invites, mentioned we'd used a pic of Laverne and Shirley in the past. "Am I supposed to know who that is?" She asked. Fair 'nuff. I mean, reruns aren't what they used to be. Schemeel, schlemazel!

So, I moved on, started talking about Gwyno, about how they were BFFs until they busted up, about how Ben Affleck was dating Gwyneth and Matt Damon had been dating Wino. And I could see Lil'Sis's eyes glaze over and it started to occur to me she mightn't even know who Winona Rider was. And then she said something that, more than anything that has been said in the 10 years I have known her, highlighted the age difference. And you realise I have known her since she was 5. She said to me, "I always get Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and that other guy... who is that other guy?...Leonardo Dicaprio... I always get those guys confused."


!!!!!


?????


!!!!!

LEONARDO DICAPRIO! MATT DAMON! BEN AFFLECK! How could she? I mean, hello, has she seen Romeo and Juliet?!? To me it is almost unfathomable that, these men, hunks of my youth could be confused. And then, it occurred to me that to her these guys aren't hunks. Never have been. They are just some middle aged actors. She is just confusing a bunch of middle aged actors and I guess that makes perfect sense. I mean, she is a teenager. Oh lordy. And these aren't even hunks you would see me thinking twice about usually (though I do have a soft spot for Matt Damon. And I guess Leonardo has a certain je ne sais quoi. Also Ben Affleck looked handsome with that beard recently. But I digress) but they are just hunks I grew up with I guess and I have a very clear idea of them all. And now...well now I've just realised how finite things are. You know?! How we live in the past. We think we're teaching the kids, but really it's them that teach us.

I would post a picture of Taylor Lautner here in case any kids dropped by, but he is probably passe anyway.

Things I don't care for (PM)

Oh, um, this is awkward. Because the phrase colourways doesn't really bug me that much. I mean, certainly if I heard a person use it in coversation like commenter Jo mentioned after K's morning post I would want to punch them in the face. But luckily I am pretty discerning with who I have conversations with. Though, sure, sometimes you can't avoid talking to deebs. BUT my understanding is that colourways doesn't just mean the same thing in different colours, though that's part of it. I think that if you are an actual designer doing a range that colourways really is more about differnt sets of colours that may be used in a full range of products. You know? Ok, I am not describing  this well at all. But I am not a designer or anything like it. I just know that it is used professionally and it makes sense. Still if you are in a shop and someone is showing you a thing in a different colour then they may as well just say different colours. I mean, in we all know what different colours means, right?.

But just because I don't hate the word colourways doesn't mean I am taking the moral highroad. I mean, there are heaps of things I hate, kind of unnecessarily. Like, I hate it when people say 'whilst' and 'amongst' instead of 'while' and 'among'. And when people say 'myself' instead of 'me' it drives me bonkers to the point of distraction. Seriously. I hate it. I hate it.

Thank god the sun is shining outside, cause otherwise I may have to carry this rage inside me all day long. Ugh.

Things I don't care for (AM)

In this post, I am going to tell you guys about a thing that people say that I don't care for. I don't want to be a hater or anything, but sometimes people say words or use phrases that really get my goat.  And now I am going to tell you about one of them which I guess is kind of mean, because maybe you dislike it too, so...sorry?
Also, I know what you're thinking. Whoa K, let she who is without sin cast the first stone. And you'd be right (and kudos on your  use of biblical references, I LOVE biblical references). Of course I say a lot of things that people don't care for. I'll admit that. I'm pretty sure no one else finds the term 'tommozletov' as funny as I do. But heck guys, I'm just telling you how I feel.  Maybe you're thinking the same thing and reading this will make you feel better. Maybe we can make a series out of it!
Ok, maybe I'm getting carried away. Why don't I just tell you the word and we can take it from there.
Ok, here I go. The thing that people say that I don't care for that I want to talk about is the word...

colourways.

People in design circles use it, from what I can gather, to describe the same pattern in different colours. So, for example these rugs that people with a spare $1200 odd can put in their hallways (assuming they have them - I have neither a spare $1200 nor a hallway).

Same pattern different colours. Only, these days people don't say colours, they say colourways.

I really don't care for it. It seems a little like dudes with stuff to sell are trying to  elevate the status of their stuff from regular things to designy things, so we go crazy for them and drop a bunch of cash on them. It makes me think groan and eyeroll and depending how lazy I'm feeling, I may even roll my eyes when I read it/hear it.

So that's the thing I don't care for.
Unless it has some technical definition that I don't understand. Does it?

The New World (PM)

WHOAAAAA! WHOAAAA! A haiku competition! Does this competition have a limit of how many entries we can do?!!? Because we have a backlog of something like 400* haikus and at least a third of them have to be about food, right?

Here are some potential winners. From K:

Jerusalem artichoke
I
You look like ginger.

Just as wasabi looks quite

Like avocado.

II

But you're a tuber

And that is one of my most

Favourite plant words. 

III

The other one's named

After the whole globe! But you:

Just Jerusalem. 

IV

Don't feel bad 'bout that

Jerusalem artichoke.

I dig on your taste.

Which is especially good because I did notice that the RN website said this: write a haiku about food and flowers. Really food and flowers? How about coffee, which is edible and from a plant?

From me:

Well hells yeah, coffee

You turn my frown upside down

An undying love

From K:

Single origin. 

Since when has that been a thing?

Get your hand off it.

 Or perhaps we should be using our vast haiku experience to write a new winning entry. All I know is that I would love to have a successful garden and I want that bible!

The New World (AM)

Guys!
It's the first day of Miss Soft Crab's new two posts a day, two days a week world!
Change is hard so we hope you're all OK.
Also, we need your help with something so we can't afford for you guys to wallowing. Yes it's going to be weird for a while and you might have to find other things to devote the 10 seconds you used to devote to Miss Soft Crab towards but heck, you guys will be fine. We believe in you! Ok? Ok.

Now listen up.

Radio National is running an haiku competition! 

In case you can't be bothered following that link, just read on. Here's the lowdown:


RN First Bite, By Design and ABC Books have teamed up to give away five copies of the hard cover anniversary edition of Flora: The Gardener's Bible (valued at $150) and six copies of newly released Kitchen Table Memoirs: Shared Stories From Australian Writers (valued at $30). Just write a simplehaiku and yours could be read live on air! Tune in to RN First Bite and By Designbefore the competition closes to find out.

Um, does this competition have MISS SOFT CRAB written all over it or what?!
Also, does it have A PRIZE VALUED AT $30 IS NOT AS GOOD AS A PRIZE VALUED AT $150  written all over it too or what?!

Anyway, all you have to do is write an haiku about food or flowers and you're in. OR, go back over your archives and choose the best food/flower haikus from the TENS of haiku you've been writing every Thursday for AGES*.

But how to choose a favourite? It's not like looking for a diamond in the rough. It's like looking for a rough in A PILE OF DIAMONDS.

I've come up with a shortlist.

These recent food themed haiku by J:

I

Don't pretend to be

Something you are not, carob

You aren't chocolate

II

What are pieties?

Are they the gods of the pies?

I could worship them

These nature themed haiku:

If I was a bumblebee

I

I would shove my face

In every last rose I saw.

I would love the spring. 

II

I would take short breaks.

From collecting the pollen. 

I'd perch on a leaf. 

III

There, I'd close my eyes. 

Feel the sun on my wings and 

Dream about the queen. 

But both of these need to be read in a series...

These two stand alone though...the first by J

I

Bees collect pollen

Take it home to make honey

Those guys are awesome 

And the second is mine..

Figs

Biting in to you

Is like biting in to a

Carravagio.

What do you guys think?


*(Why do I love caps so much at the moment? I don't know why but I DO!)

And the winner is...(PM)

I really hope the only reason J misses Pinkman is because she's seen all the Breaking Bad out there and just wants more Pinkman, not because she's seen more Breaking Bad than I have and something happens to Pinkman.  I hope that very much.

As for me, I'm not going to go back over the fun times we've shared on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays because I think J has picked some real winners.

But mostly it's because I want to sneak in another Friday favourite: Afternoon tea.

I effing love having a coffee and a biscuit in the afternoon.

Look at this delicious brown sugar and chocolate sandwich cookie I made last night just so I can have it with a coffee for afternoon tea today.

Having afternoon tea is a Friday Favourite and I just want to use MSC's last Friday post to celebrate that.

And the winner is... (AM)

Well, guys, this is it. Our last daily post. I mean the other posts will be on days. Just not everyday. We had an overwhelming response to the question of what days we should keep posting.Yes, overwhelming. Four actual comments and one email to our Miss Soft Crab email address. The first ever email that was not sent automatically by Twitter or by a misguided publicity person. HA!

So thanks "Miss Dizzy", "Sarah", "MC", "Nicole","TJ" and "KA", if those are your real names (they are, mostly). Your opinion is appreciated. Monday was undoubtedly the most popular day, although "Nicole" thought quality may be better if we gave up Monday for Tuesday. But don't worry, we promise we won't compromise on quality.  No sirree. So, thanks to or faithful readers we have decided that from next week we will have a new post every Monday and every Thursday. And I'm pretty sure they are gonna be good.

But what does it all mean? Does this mean no more Terrific Tuesday, WTF Wednesday or Friday Favourites? Who knows, the future is unwritten, yo. Maybe they'll be back in the future. But for now, let the past be the past.

But they were some great days. Last night while reminiscing I started reading over some of those good ol' days, and I don't want this post to be like an episode of Friends where they all sit around talking about something just so they can show a bunch of clips and not make a real new episode, but...well...it's going to be. Like, do you remember that time K may have accidentally eaten dog shit for dinner? Yeah, what a great WTF Wednesday that was!!! Read here, then here to relive those treasured memories.

As for Terrific Tuesday, how can you pick a favourite? I mean, it's terrific. But, ok, seeing as you asked (what?) I gotta say I loved the first the best, because: a)It was the invention of a thing where all you have to do is decide your day is going to be terrific and then it is (seriously guys, have you tried it? It effing works!); and b) Jesse Pinkman was mentioned in it. And I really miss Pinkman.

So I guess that brings me to Friday Favourites. They're all good, natch, I mean they talk about our favourite things. I loved Friday Favourite: Flamingos. Because God, I love Flamingos. I loved Friday Favourites:Barbra Streisand, because I will never get over K's love of Babs. But I guess, when it comes down to it I love Friday Favourites: Prince. Because Prince is one of my favourite people/things in the whole world.

Man, these days gave us some great ways to explore the world. Maybe they'll be back. But for now, see you on Monday and Thursday.

No (PM)

Are you fucking kidding me?! FIVE HUNDRED AND NINETY-NINE DOLLARS! Well, whatever, if your the fucking idiot that wants to buy those bathers you may as well drop 600 bucks on 'em. See if I care.

K actually sent me a link to those bathers yesterday, she said "Look at this swimsuit" and what I read was, "Look at this swimsuit I'm thinking of buying." Though let me make it quite clear those last 4 words were nowhere near the epage. I guess that is just what I infer from every emailed link to a product. And so you can imagine what I felt when I arrived at the webpage, confusion mainly, followed by more confusion. Followed by realisation. Followed by more confusion, you know that these bathers existed.

Also, Mate, I see the issue with the gold hardware is important, but you didn't even acknowledge the fringe. A fucking on a swimsuit.

But I guess fringes are really hot right now. Check out this fringed jumper I saw no less than 1 week ago on the Gorman website. Read carefully friends, I said 1week, not 1 decade ago.

You see fringes are so hot right now. Oh, hang about that is fucking repulsive too.

No (AM)

I thought I'd seen it all when the other day, Country Road sent me an email telling me that these jeggings are a 'must have'.

Honestly, Country Road. Get real.

They are jeggings. And they are shiny. 

The only thing that 'must be had' in this scenario is a good hard look at yourselves, Country Road. 

 

I hadn't seen anything yet, however. 

 

When browsing the interwebs for swimsuits I might like to buy for when I GO TO ICELAND NEXT MONTH in order to BATHE IN THE BLUE LAGOON with THESE ADORABLE GOONS I found this.

A pair of bathers adorned with that most practical of swimsuit materials: METAL. 

Its manufacturers ask you to: 

"Indulge yourself with the distinguished glamour of this showgirl inspired piece. The dramatic embellishments and gold hardware give this one-piece swimsuit the ultimate high impact shine."

"Gold hardware". 

"High impact shine". 

Said like these are actual things. 

How do such things get made? So many people would have had to have given this the OK, for it to find its way to the marketplace. But nothing about these bathers are OK! It looks like Brynne Edelston's version of a burkini. 

And you'll never guess how much it costs. Seriously, you couldn't possibly guess this, so don't even try. 

$599. 

I just...I can't even. 

A question of vegetables (PM)

Vegetable monogamy was something we really believed in when we were younger. We were such romantics. But one true vegetable love over the course of a life...it's something very few get to experience and you know, that's okay by me. Also, the fact that there's just no way we are getting stranded on a desert island had have to choose a vegetable to consume for eternity makes me feel okay about it. But I do think that if I had bread on the desert island, I could sacrifice the potato. But not before. No way.

A question of vegetables (AM)

Like most people I spent the better part of my undergraduate degree sitting in bars and cafes discussing the desert island vegetable question.  Looking back on this I am reminded of the scene in movies when old people say reflectively "Ah, young people they think they know everything." And then talk about how stupid that is and then I always think, "Shut up Albert Finney." And yet when I think about the vegetable question, Albert Finney seems to make a lot of sense.

Back in those days there was no question about what vegetable I would chose. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. It seemed to me then, as it does in many ways now, the most delicious and the best. You can mash it, chip it, roast it, make it into bread, even use it in a sweet treat if you were desperate. So versatile. Oh, potato. And, at 18 that was all that I thought mattered in the world, but now I'm older, I've seen more, lord knows I've eaten more, and often I wonder, would I still take potatoes to my desert island or would eggplant have to become my life long companion.

Think about it. Eggplant is caramelly, mushy, delicousy, can also be chipped, curried, pasta sauced, pizzaed. Eaten hot, eaten cold. I know that potato can do all that and more but I just think that eggplant is so delicious I may not be able to forsake it for potato. And yet. And yet.

But perhaps even asking this question is what those old people in movies are talking about. Perhaps the question itself is the naivete. As if a question like this could ever be answered. Perhaps wisdom can only come when I realise that I couldn't ever chose a single vegetable for eternity. And with that I reach maturity! BAM!