Monday, May 11, 2015

Why I oughta... (AM)

Ugh, I'm sorry 

K sometimes suggests that I am the more sensible of the two of us. I think she may mean I'm more pragmatic. Or something. It's hard to put a finger on. It's like how I would never go see a film like Eat, Pray, Love because I can't stand Julia Roberts and the thought of her playing a woman on a journey of self discovery makes me want to vomit. Eating and getting spiritual and finding love, gross me the fuck out. I'm just assuming those things happen in that movie. Of course I've never seen it. Ask K though, she's seen it. Even though she also can't stand Julia Roberts and would claim that a Hollywood film about woman on a journey of self discovery is enough to make her want to puke too. Because K is more into that full emotional journey I think. Or something. Like I said, it's hard to put a finger on.

For similar reasons, K is a frequent visitor to the GOOP and I am not. You may think I am, given it was only 3 months ago I was complaining about Gwynny's douching regimen. But that was the last time I visited GOOP. Until this weekend. Do you people know what is happening on that website?!?!? Things like this: "Mother Daughter itineraries in Paris & New York" And I'm not even talking about the grammar and punctuation issues. "A mother/daughter weekend in one of the greatest cities on earth is one of those once-in-a-lifetime pleasures that should be both commemorated and maximized by the best of each spot." Seriously, who the fuck is this article for?! Just the concept is enough to make me think watching Eat, Pray, Love would be a great alternative to looking at my computer.

But what, you don't have a daughter you can take to Paris or New York? Don't worry, the Goopsters have something for everyone. Like "13 interior design tips from Kara Mann that make a big impact." Everyone needs home decorating tips, right? There are some great ones here, like "stray from the standard bathroom mirror and sconce combination." God, she is so right, the old bathroom sconce and mirror combo is killing bathrooms. Also, "double up on function, a dining room does double duty as a library by stacking books on the table when not in use." Well that's a swell suggestion Kara, I'd fucking love to put those stacks of books on the floor every night, spill a bowl of pasta as I'm trying to set the goddamn table. Sounds great. But if you listen to tip number 5 you won't have that problem. "Edit. Simple stacks of books mixed in with a carefully curated collection add interest without adding clutter." This under a photo of a huge bookshelf without about 10 books and 7 ceramic pieces. Because who needs to read anyway.

Don't think you can apply these styling tips to your home? Maybe you are more of a "design-minded person with a dog". Great! Why don't you buy the $100 dog collar they recommend. Oh, I guess because that would be fucking idiotic and maybe if you have that kind of cash to spend on dog collars you could just donate it to UNHCR instead. Or one of the organisations GOOP supports because "GOOP has a big heart" and if you scroll all the way down to the bottom of a page on GOOP and read  the site map right down the very bottom, well just above UNSUBSCRIBE, you will see a button to take you to a page to tell you that maybe donating money is ok too. GOOP supports four charities and if you would like to be more GOOPY than ever you could donate to those charities. If you bother to think about it and look for that page which is weirdly not very prominent unlike the "SHOP" link which is the first link on the GOOP homepage and also PINK as opposed to the black of all the others, just to help you find it.

Wow. I'm sorry. I did not expect this to go so far. I have no idea what just happened. What is wrong with me? Why am I hating on GOOP so hard? Well, I guess it's pretty self explanatory. Let's hope that I have finally learnt my lesson and I do not head back there so soon. But if this means one less of you have to suffer as I suffered reading GOOP, this has not been in vain.

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