Is nothing sacred ?!?!?! (PM)

The bodhisattva would be turning in his watery grave! 

Is nothing sacred!?!?! (AM)

Hurtin'

I don't look at Facebook very often. I'd like to say it's only once a week, but in reality it's probably every two days, it just feels comparatively infrequent and my view is probably distorted. I stopped looking because it was so pointless and there was always links to depressing news items about how effed the world is or some post about some dumb shit from a person I don't much care for. Yesterday I looked though, and lucky too because my aunt had sent me a video of a tiny Spider-man-child and I also had an invite to a party. Oh it is the party of a one-year-old, not the kind with booze, but it's still social. So, there I was thinking how lucky it was I'd checked Facebook, scrolling down to see what else I'd missed when I saw, to my horror, a link to the new Point Break trailer. WHAT!?!?! I know! Who even knew there was new Point Break?! Maybe everyone knows, I am certainly no barometer of popular culture, but seriously, WTF?!

When I Googled this fucking schmozzle I was greeted by this article title: Point Break remake gets first trailer as fans of the original wonder why this is happening. I couldn't have put it better myself.

Obviously I watched the trailer. It went for 2:55 mins. At 1:22 I had already felt: UGH; Hahahahahaha how stupid; NO ONE CALLS YOU BODHI YOU ARE NOT BODHI!

The next 1:33 I just sat staring wondering why the eff this is happening. The new Point Break looks like heaps more action and heaps more stupid and I don't understand why they couldn't just make that movie and give it a different title and different names to the Bodhi and Johnny Utah characters and we could all peacefully continue living our lives. Why, for the love of God, WHY?!

This is probably just like that time I got upset about the new Footlose which, of course, because it was shit I never really had to think about after I first heard about it because no one ever spoke of it again. It is likely that is what will happen here. Some comedian called Max Silvestri tweeted "I love the movie Point Break but I've always wondered, "Would this be better if the leads had no charisma?" I'll find out this Christmas!" HAHA!

It's as if movie executives like to embrace challenge so hard they cast uncharismatic actors in stupid films while trampling all over what people in their 30s hold dear to their heart. Look, I like a professional challenge as much as the next person, but these guys are messing with lives.

See! This is why I don't look at Facebook, too many reminders of all that is wrong with the world.

Hardy ha ha (PM)

Hey, I thought autumn/winter was a relative safe zone for hay fever sufferers! What a rip-off! 

I completely share that position on comedians these days,and their loose ways with laughing at their own jokes. If I needed guidance to highlight that something funny has been said, well I just don't accept that what has been said is definitely funny. 

For some reason I associate laughing at one's own jokes with Wil Anderson. Is that a thing he does? Or am I just imposing it on him because I don't really like him? I also dislike it when comedians on TV panel shows laugh way too hard at jokes other panel members have made. That seems very Wil Anderson to me. And also pretty negative. Oh well. Mondays, right? 

Hardy ha ha (AM)

You know what's hard? Trying to think of something amusing to say while your baby inexplicably, incessantly cries and you've got nasty-as-fuck hayfever. Though as things go I guess this is what you'd call a #firstworldproblem.  And even in the first world, this really is barely a problem. The killer part is, though, that I am actually amusing.

Recently in the car home from my parents house I'd made Russeth laugh heartily so many times (three) between Elsternwick and St Kilda Junction that I asked him if he thought I should become a stand-up comic. This elicited the heartiest laugh of all, which I took as a very good sign.

Ha! As if I would become a stand-up comic. I do not get them at all. I mean, I get their jokes usually, but I just think as an art form it would be hard and I don't get how to do it well. And neither do a lot of comics by the looks of things. Badoom cha!

I've noticed recently that comedians tend to laugh at their own jokes all the time these days. First I thought it was just something American comedians did. Mainly because I am a bit racist, but it's not just them. Australians do it, the British do it. Probably it's happening all over but I find it pretty repulsive. I guess they sometimes do it just to make sure the audience knows when to laugh. But if that is the only indication it's laugh time, that comedian should probably stick to their day job. Unless their day job is comedy. I've also noticed they do it when they've just said something mean, probably to make sure we know there is no harm in it. But I can be the judge of that. Probably they also do it so we can all be in on something together. But I'm not that desperate for inclusion. I think they also do it to make their jokes sound fresh, as if they've just said this funny thing for the first time and even they can't stop themselves laughing. But you can usually tell that's bullshit. Anyway, it drives me to distraction. My position is: you tell the jokes and I will be the one to laugh at it.

It's like movies or books that need to explain everything at the end, I effing hate that too, for some of the same reasons I hate this laughing that comedians do. We can figure shit out for ourselves guys.

I guess the moral of this story is that if you've got a crying baby and bad hay fever your output is going to be pretty negative.

Happy Monday!

What a great day (PM)

There's a reason that dinner and a movie is the classic date night activity, because if you are going to woo someone you want to show them a real good time and these things are some of the best times. Food, movies, the possibility of choc tops, there's not a lot that can beat that.

I can't even remember the last time I had dinner and a movie with anyone so I guess I'm pretty pumped about tonight too.

K and I used to do all kinds of things we don't do any more, like eat Nandos and buy the Coles brand chocolate mud cake and drive around all night or sit in front of boys' houses in the car. Oh shit, I've said too much. Anyway, I guess it's pretty obvious why we don't do a lot of these things anymore. But the only excuse for not going to the movies is time. And priorities I guess. What a couple of losers.

Hooray for today though.

What a great day (AM)

Tonight, J and I are going to dinner and a movie and I am so excited you would think it was the night before my baby is due, which is going to be an extremely exciting night because J, Chickpea, Strawberry, Appleheart and I are going to see Blur that night (inshallah). Also, my baby will be due. 

But no, it's just a regular night out really, something J and I used to do all the freaking time, but something that we aint done in yonks. I'm excited because even though it isn't a big deal, it's one of my favourite things to do and I get to do it tonight. 

Woot!

I am also thinking about eating a bowl of pasta and having a choc top. For breakfast! Just jokes. For dinner. Maybe for lunch. 

What a great day!

Mixed Feelings (PM)

I know that my approach to life and many of K's mixed feelings seems to be that everyone should just harden up, but I draw the line at listening to the death throws of the rats you have poisoned. I wouldn't have even been hard enough to poison them let alone listen to their mournful squeals. 

Of course the rats had to go. And I guess rats are somewhat harder to get rid of from your roof than a possum. A possum you just wait to leave and then fix up the hole where they are getting in. But who knows what you do with rats? We had mice once and trapped them with humane traps. If you consider displacing a mouse from its home humane. Which, considering the alternatives, I guess I do. So I wish I could help you resolve your feelings with this mate, but I think they're probably just going to have to remain mixed. 

Mixed feelings (AM)

I was sure that Miss Soft Crab had written a few posts under the banner 'Mixed Feelings'. Turns out this is the first. And even more surprisingly, we've only tagged 6 posts with the tag 'Feelings', though it seems to me all we do is talk about feelings. I guess we just feel them, and don't talk about them that much.  Weird. Or possibly, we talk about them constantly and don't use the tag 'feelings' when we do. That seems more likely.

Anyway, back to mixed feelings. My stage of life is quite conducive to mixed feelings.  I'm extremely excited all the time,  and I'm a little bit worried all the time. I could go into details but they are quite boring. Also, most of the time it's quite abstract. I'm excited about having a baby, but it's something that is happening in the future, and the things I'm worried about (apart from, you know, having the baby), tend to be well in the future.  Like, will the little tacker make friends? Will it have a bad sense of direction like I do? How will I help it if it does, I never know which direction I'm going! As you can see, it's really not worth putting in to words. But today I have mixed feelings about something very very tangible.

Basically, it's like this. We have rats living in our roof. I know, gross. I say 'rats', but I have no idea how many, or even if they are rats. The could be mice. Or possums. Or bunyips, who knows? All we know is that every night we wake up to the sound of creatures scampering about our roof in quite a hurry and with no mind to the fact that there are people sleeping downstairs. It's creepy and gross and I want it to stop. To this end, Appleheart put a bunch of ratsack up in the roof  the other day and when he came back, he said there is quite a lot of poo up there. Great, I thought. We'll get em for sure!
Flash forward to last night and instead of the sound of rats scampering about, I heard both scampering and squeaking, very mournful squeaking. I pictured a mother and father rat who had eaten the ratsack, or fed it to their rat babies, and were either squeaking mournfully because they were dying and terrified of leaving their rat babies behind, or watching their rat babies die.
I am SURE that's what happened and OH GOD it's all my fault but (assuming J would tell me to harden the eff up) living with rats in the roof is gross and one of us had to go.
So you know, mixed feelings.

Will I ever know for sure? (PM)

I had no idea that J was so conflicted on this issue, or I would never have asked about the crazy leggings! 

I wish I had some great insight to offer here, but I really don't. I mean, I was the one asking J for insight into crazy leggings. 

Here are things I know for sure. 

Trying something on and deciding it isn't for you can sometimes be disappointing, but it's better than buying the thing and wishing you hadn't. I think that's something J can take from the Obus pants situation. Just because they look good on another lady and practical at the pool does not mean she made the wrong call. Buying something that isn't quite right is the wrong call. If you'd done it, you would see that lady at the pool and thing Hmph, it's alright for some. 

Trying something on and knowing you love it and want it and then choosing not to get it...that is a downright eff up. I've done it. Lord knows I've done it. 

At least we're being honest with ourselves and each other now. 

And let's remind oursleves of fran's grandmother's words in Strictly Ballroom next time we're in this situation.

Will I ever know for sure? (AM)

I've learnt, over time, that some questions have definitive answers. Like is Chris Hemsworth a hunk? (Yes.)

And others don't, like is climate change real? Or did The Holocaust really happen. Just jokes. Of course the answer to those questions is no. Just jokes.

But seriously folks, I wonder if there are just some things we'll never know. Like do I want printed pants in my life or not?

I think that even if I bought some printed pants I still wouldn't know if they were right for me. Or is the fact that I've never bought them the answer? Shit you guys!

I thought I'd put this question to bed last year. You see, Obus were putting out printed leggings and soft pants with great prints that I coveted yet never bought. I even tried some on but I felt like Crazy Legs. I thought that was the answer; I tried, I failed, I moved on.

But now I always see this woman I know wearing the Obus printed semi-leggings I wanted. She wears them to the pool and I always wish I was wearing them. So comfortable and easy to change in and out of for a swim. Cute too. And still I tried to forget them. But then K messaged me the other day:What do you think about crazy leggings?

"I DON'T KNOW!!" I wanted to yell via text message. "What do you want me to tell you? That not a day goes by that I don't think about those weird white leggings with the blue and purple splatters?! That I wish they were in my life today as much as I wished it the day I tried them on?! Is that what you want to hear?! Because that is the truth? Could I make it work with them? I don't know! There's no guarantees in this life. Sure you can take the safe option, but do you want to live life regretting the things that might have been? I don't! I've tried that, I've done it too much for too long! But I don't know how to change." That's what I should have said, that's the truth. Instead I just told her, "I kind of love them."

God, why can't I just be honest? With K, with myself, with the world!? I guess I've got a lot to think about. We all do.*


*Not really. Probably just I do.

Why I oughtta...(PM)

I feel bad that J spent so long on GOOP, and therefore had to feel all the annoyance she so plainly, and rightly, felt. I feel like I am partly to blame for this. GOOP is mostly to blame, but I am partly to blame. I'm sorry Mate.

To pick up on GOOP's point though, I know what it's like to have the 'once in a lifetime pleasure that should be both commemorated and maximised...blah blah blah' because in 2011, I went to NYC with my Mum! I haven't read GOOP's idea of what mothers and daughters should do in NYC but I assume it's this. And she is right. What a magical time that was. We spent the days sightseeing and getting on each others nerves before having an afternooner at 5pm each day. So in so far as GOOP's itinerary involves those things, then she's spot on.


But speaking of annoying celebrity sites, how about we talk about PRESERVE,  Serena Van Der Woodsen's site in which she brings us "Expensive stuff. Inexpensive stuff. And everything in between. But their value, is up to you. We may romanticise it, calling it treasure. What we're really saying is we see worth on every level."
Spew.

The slogan says PRESERVE is about "the stories and creations of artisans". Talk about completely fucking baffling. If those Gossip Girls had spent a little less time on the steps of the Met and a little more time in the classroom, they would know that the term artisan probably doesn't apply to the output of whatever factory produced this amazingly unique stripey top, yours for a mere $135 on PRESERVE. 

Why I oughta... (AM)

Ugh, I'm sorry 

K sometimes suggests that I am the more sensible of the two of us. I think she may mean I'm more pragmatic. Or something. It's hard to put a finger on. It's like how I would never go see a film like Eat, Pray, Love because I can't stand Julia Roberts and the thought of her playing a woman on a journey of self discovery makes me want to vomit. Eating and getting spiritual and finding love, gross me the fuck out. I'm just assuming those things happen in that movie. Of course I've never seen it. Ask K though, she's seen it. Even though she also can't stand Julia Roberts and would claim that a Hollywood film about woman on a journey of self discovery is enough to make her want to puke too. Because K is more into that full emotional journey I think. Or something. Like I said, it's hard to put a finger on.

For similar reasons, K is a frequent visitor to the GOOP and I am not. You may think I am, given it was only 3 months ago I was complaining about Gwynny's douching regimen. But that was the last time I visited GOOP. Until this weekend. Do you people know what is happening on that website?!?!? Things like this: "Mother Daughter itineraries in Paris & New York" And I'm not even talking about the grammar and punctuation issues. "A mother/daughter weekend in one of the greatest cities on earth is one of those once-in-a-lifetime pleasures that should be both commemorated and maximized by the best of each spot." Seriously, who the fuck is this article for?! Just the concept is enough to make me think watching Eat, Pray, Love would be a great alternative to looking at my computer.

But what, you don't have a daughter you can take to Paris or New York? Don't worry, the Goopsters have something for everyone. Like "13 interior design tips from Kara Mann that make a big impact." Everyone needs home decorating tips, right? There are some great ones here, like "stray from the standard bathroom mirror and sconce combination." God, she is so right, the old bathroom sconce and mirror combo is killing bathrooms. Also, "double up on function, a dining room does double duty as a library by stacking books on the table when not in use." Well that's a swell suggestion Kara, I'd fucking love to put those stacks of books on the floor every night, spill a bowl of pasta as I'm trying to set the goddamn table. Sounds great. But if you listen to tip number 5 you won't have that problem. "Edit. Simple stacks of books mixed in with a carefully curated collection add interest without adding clutter." This under a photo of a huge bookshelf without about 10 books and 7 ceramic pieces. Because who needs to read anyway.

Don't think you can apply these styling tips to your home? Maybe you are more of a "design-minded person with a dog". Great! Why don't you buy the $100 dog collar they recommend. Oh, I guess because that would be fucking idiotic and maybe if you have that kind of cash to spend on dog collars you could just donate it to UNHCR instead. Or one of the organisations GOOP supports because "GOOP has a big heart" and if you scroll all the way down to the bottom of a page on GOOP and read  the site map right down the very bottom, well just above UNSUBSCRIBE, you will see a button to take you to a page to tell you that maybe donating money is ok too. GOOP supports four charities and if you would like to be more GOOPY than ever you could donate to those charities. If you bother to think about it and look for that page which is weirdly not very prominent unlike the "SHOP" link which is the first link on the GOOP homepage and also PINK as opposed to the black of all the others, just to help you find it.

Wow. I'm sorry. I did not expect this to go so far. I have no idea what just happened. What is wrong with me? Why am I hating on GOOP so hard? Well, I guess it's pretty self explanatory. Let's hope that I have finally learnt my lesson and I do not head back there so soon. But if this means one less of you have to suffer as I suffered reading GOOP, this has not been in vain.

QEII style: Royal baby edition (PM)

I learned something this morning reading K's post. It's that I may be more into QEII than I realised. When I saw her in that shirt it seemed totally normal to me, because I sometimes watch documentaries about her and once I watched part of that movie The Queen so I've seen her (and Helen Mirren as her) getting about the country side in skirts and shirts and sleeveless puffers heaps.

So I guess I'm not surprised she'd go visit her new granddaughter in a shirt. 

May I just say about KMid's emergence from the hospital the day after her baby was born, that poor lady. I mean, I've had two babies and the second one was far less traumatic and if I had a team of beautifiers on hand I probably could have emerged from the hospital the day after Newbie was born looking decent but I sure as fuck wouldn't have wanted too. 

#QEIIstyleforlife!

QEII style: Royal baby edition (AM)

I've been passively following the news of the royal baby this past week. 'Passively', because one doesn't have to do anything  to learn everything one needs to know, and 'following' because I was a little worried they would call her a name I fancy for the AppleKheart baby and would have had to reconsider if the royal baby nabbed it first.

Happily, I'm neither here nor there about Charlotte. 

Through my passive following I've learnt most of what I need to know (which was really just the baby's name, and confirming that Prince Harry has turned into quite a handsome fellow). I've also learnt that the world's media is captivated by how cute baby George is, and how incredible Kate looks very shortly after giving birth. Yeah, I guess both of those things are true. 

But the one thing I want to know that passive following has not delivered on is where is QEII and more importantly, what is she wearing? 

Happily those tabloid newspapers that Rupert Murdoch brought to England could fill in the blanks.

A quick search yielded this beauty: QEII going to the Royal Baby's house for a quick visit, the day they arrived home. 

This photo shocked me a little because QEII is wearing a shirt and that's confronting. 

Apparently, according to the Daily Mail, she had spent the morning at the track checking out the form of some horses before some big upcoming race meet. 

This pleases me a lot. 

And no doubt she's wearing purple trousers with that purple shirt. Purple, because she's the mother flipping queen, and monochrome because QEII style for life!

Not tuff (PM)

You sure aren't tough, Mate. So you missed a morning at the gym. You don't have to cry about it. I'll tell you what I tell Baby every time he complains about bed time. Sleep is very important. If you want to grow big and strong (or in your case healthy and strong) you have to sleep. Sleep is as important as eating and exericising. If you have a baby inside you and you want it to grow big and strong (but not too big, a manageable size) you have to sleep so your body can do all the growing and repairing and awesome stuff it does while you are sleeping for you and your baby. 

I'll tell you something else too. When you have a baby your life is different than before. It's not worse, it's different. You need to think about the things that are important to you and to your baby and how best to negotiate that. Some days you can go to the gym and sometimes its just not the fuck worth it.

Or, to put it more gently, what "Sarah" said in her comment.

Also, it is very likely you can get more than 4 hours sleep when the baby gets here. I know some people don't but I do know that you, K, can nap during the day which means that even if your baby is a bad night sleeper you can nap when your baby naps or hangs out with Appleheart. So soon enough you will be back on the treadmill of life and of running.

Byesies xo

Not tuff (AM)

At some point, it became clear to me that if I don't exercise before work, I pretty much don't exercise. When I realised this, I developed a routine where I go to the gym before work, between three and five days a week. The days I don't go, I walk for an hour before hopping on the tram to work, but on Monday, Wednesday and Friday - I always go to the gym and I always go for a jog on the treadmill. Since I became a pregnant lady, those jogs have slowed down a lot, but I still do it. It's an excellent routine. It makes me feel tough. Now that my tummy sticks out quite a lot, it makes me feel super tough. And organised. 

But it also makes me feel very tired. You see, to facilitate all of this, my alarm goes off at 5:15am. That's early. And it leads to some serious episodes of exhaustion during the day. On the tram on the way to work. At about 11am, for half an hour. And the real killer: 3pm until 4:00pm. It hurts to stay awake at that times. But I'm in the routine and the routine is, on balance, well worth it. 

I'm aware that the routine's days are numbered. As my case of the pregnants advances I will find it harder and harder to do and will probably have to stop. But I want to carry on as long as possible, and I want to replace the jogging with cycling or walking or that machine that's got handles and foot pedal things and is meant to be like running but not as hard on your joints. I really dislike that machine, but what can you do? 

I'm telling you all of this because last night I woke up at 3:45am after four hours sleep, and couldn't get back to sleep. I know worrying about sleep is the worst thing for sleep, but I couldnt stop. 

I kept thinking about how I was going to get through a whole day of work on 4 hours sleep. 

I couldn't face it, so at 5:10am, I changed my alarm to 7:00am, and fell asleep pretty much straight away. 

I broke the routine so I could sleep more. Something I have wanted to pretty much every morning since the routine began but never have, because the whole scheme is based on sacrificing one great thing for another. 

As I write this, I feel really well rested, but very confused and a tad upset. Why did I crack last night? Is this the beginning of the end? I four hours sleep the most I can ask for once the baby gets here, so if I'm going to exercise in the mornings this is how it's going to be, and I've just proved I'm too pussy to handle it? I'm so confused. 

Mate, tell me what you know.