Haiku Thursday (PM)

 

 

Tough questions

My private jury 

Is still out on Chris Hemsworth

Must see more of him

Hey, a-hole

If you're turning right

And put your indicator

On late, well fuck you

Haiku Thursday (AM)

I wish there was more

Tax deductability

In my life sometimes. 

I also wish that

I didn't hate doing my

Tax return so much. 

Stress Factors (PM)

This morning's post was about stress, which is really stressful, but I can't help but notice that it was also very pretty. This tells me something about J's creative output under stressful conditions and between hope and the wind, that makes me excited about the dinner party she is hosting this weekend.

It's a Nordic themed dinner party, you know. Not a Jarlsberg party. But both are exciting to me.

Stress factors (AM)

You know how when you have one thing in your life that is making you feel a bit stressed it is ok, but as soon as you add one measly little thing to that suddenly everything feels super stressful? Ugh. Why is that? If you add one stressful thing to another your stress level should grow accordingly.

But it doesn't. It grows stupidly disproportionately.

Also, when minorly stressful things happen to you out of context they seem much more stressful. Say, for example, when you check your work email when you are not at work (like an idiot) and you see an email from someone and perhaps they are accusing you of something and even though you know they are the idiot and you have done nothing wrong it seems really stressful; but if you just saw that email at work you'd barely bat an eyelid? You know? No me neither.

Anyway every time I feel a bit stressed I think, "From now on I am taking all possible steps to avoid future stress!" And I always fail. So here is a (non-definitive) list of things I am never going to do:

Check work emails on non-work days.
Try and force Baby to eat vegetables.
Put my foot in it.
Job applications.
Plan dinner parties when anything else is going on in my life.
Make an excessive number of social engagements.
Cook multi-faceted dinners.
Drink insufficient water.
Do any of the above when LB has an assignment due.
Do any of the above when I need to go to the toilet.
Do any of the above when I am hungry.
Do any of the above when it is cold.

A tribute to Neville (PM)

There kind of is a similarity between Neville and Lily Tomlin. It's not that they look the same exactly but there is a certain je ne sais quoi.

I've loved and lost colleagues too mate, and I feel for you. First there was L-Bomb who quit to move to London for love. She's married now. Pickle, who left because she hated the job so much. She's in London now. Blephanie left. Then Legsley. I've worked with some of my besties and it's sad to see them go. But mate, Neville is just on maternity leave! SHE'LL BE BACK! You don't know what real loss is!

Also, you can't blame Neville for digging on Ben Cousins. She's from the Perth, she probably can't help it.

Have a great baby, Neville!

A tribute to Neville (AM)

On Friday, Neville, my most beloved work colleague of all time went on maternity leave. It's super awesome for her, but it's pretty much the worst thing to happen at work since the HR lady started going out with the Accounts Payable guy, which is a truly unholy union and so creepy that I am mad at myself for recalling it right now. 

I've worked with some great people over the years. Fragy. Wicketoni. Bumblebee. Oh the stories I could tell (if I could remember them, which I can't, but I know they're good). But Neville is one in a million, which is not to say that there's five more just in New South Wales, but that there can never be another Neville. 

Neville and I have worked together for about 5 years. She got me my current job, more or less. She is one of the funniest people you could ever meet, with some of the best dance moves you could ever see. She is also the best kind of colleague, because she and I think pretty much exactly the same way about work matters, and most other matters too. Though I think she finds Ben Cousins attractive, which is where our paths diverge. 

Neville is the person who would always says "yes" every single time I asked the question "is today a pork roll kind of day?". 

She would narrow her eyes and nod every single time I said something like "you know what really shits me about this place?". 

Every single time I'd walk out of a meeting in my boss' office, Neville would crack the same joke. She would look at me sympathetically and ask "do you need me to help you pack up your desk?" and honestly readers, it killed me every time.

Drunk at some Christmas party, Neville decided that the celebrity that she most looks like is Lily Tomlin, and about once every six months she would email me the picture above and say "seriously, I look just like her". She kind of does. 

Everyone should have a Neville at their workplace. I guess I was lucky that I had such a good run of it. And that I still get to see her in real life, like I did last night when we went out to dinner and she sang me a Kevin Bloody Wilson song as she drove me home. Or the other night when I went over to her house to watch the footy, and when she opened the front door she told me "I've taken my bra off - I'm just letting you know." 

You're the one Neville. I'm going to miss the shit out of you lady. 

Happy Jew Year! (PM)

I didn't take a single picture of last night's dinner either. Only because I was having such a nice time, and such a sweet start to the new year. On Saturday, however, I did manage to capture a picture of the car that is sometimes parked outside my house, the one I am always telling J about because its numberplate amuses me.

PLZBLV. Hahahaha. That's a nice rosh hashanah message, isn't it?
Also, for a sweet start to the new year, may I recommend baking challah, and living in a house the size of a Hotel Formule 1 room? You'll dream of sweet honey all night long.
Shana tova, lovely readers.

Happy Jew Year! (AM)

Shana tova, friends! Yep, it's Jewish New Year and I'm still feeling full. I hope you are too. From breakfast at least if not from your Rosh Hashanah dinner last night.

Yesterday I thought I may want to write about the dinner so I started documenting my day early. Around 8am, I started cooking my vegetable broth and frying apples for my honey apple upside-down cake.

But then, even though I did awesome things like add egg whites to the broth to clarify it and make a delicious caramelly cake which I put lavender on, um, I kind of forgot to take pictures. Then, at the start of dinner I remembered to start taking pictures again!

K made this beautiful-looking, delicious tasting challah.

And then I forgot to take any more photos because I was too busy eating. It was all I could do to make polite conversation. Sure, I managed to tell that Gorman story. At someone's request. No, really. And I found some time to talk about all the adorable things Baby does while he bounced around doing more adorable things. I listened to stories of Mondonna's wonderful LA life, and how G-Force's mum kept causing trouble at suburban supermarkets, resulting in a childhood spent travelling to ever further supermarkets. And among all that, there was no way I could remember to photograph all the delicious stuff. So I guess it was a pretty good night.

And at the end of it when everyone had left and I was tired and cold, I went home to my living room where it was toastie warm, I took off my shoes, I felt full, but not sick, and not long for bed, and I just felt so goddamn happy. Warmth and comfort and the promise of sleep, is there a better way to start the new year? Not for this loser.

TGIF (PM)

Well, mate, at least you had The Guardian to solve your mystery for you (really? You’ve never heard of animal testing?) I’m pretty sure the mystery I faced this morning will never be solved.

It’s something that has been baffling me for months but was really shoved in my face this morning as I walked up the escalators at Parliament station past walls plastered with Tag Heuer ads.  Why did Tag Heuer blow all their advertising budget on Leonardo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz without saving any for the or advertising guys?

If they had budgeted better perhaps they would have had someone to tell them that this picture of Leonardo staring angrily into space while holding a watch in his hand is ugly and stupid. Who holds a watch like that? Shouldn’t he be happily wearing that watch on his wrist? I guess I am not a man, so maybe as a person outside their target market I’m missing something but this ad just has me asking questions, not coveting watches. People of advertising, you’ve effed it again.

TGIF.

TGIF (AM)

This morning I was lying in bed, listening to the radio while half asleep, and heard what sounded like someone saying that scientists have made a breakthrough in their use of stem cell therapies, allowing them to restore hearing to deaf gerbils. 

At first, I thought cute!

Then I started to think gee, I didn't realise that deafness was an issue in the gerbil community, and if it is, how did the scientists know about it? Could all those things people say about sex and gerbils be true, and could the use of gerbils in sex acts have caused the scientists to become aware of an hearing affliction within the species? Were those early sex gerbils in fact little fuzzy pioneers who's sacrifice will be remembered by generations of gerbils with crystal clear hearing? Then I started to think shit scientists, I know gerbils deserve quality of life too, but shouldn't you really be trying to make things better for humans, not gerbils, you sick fu(ks? 

Then I realised that it was 6:15am, I was half asleep and there was a fair chance that I had misheard the radio presenter and in fact it wasn't deaf gerbils in whom scientists had restored hearing using stems cells, it was probably something like deaf Germans. There would be no massive public health intervention directed at gerbils and I needn't worry about the misuse of public money (which is something I worry about all the time) or that scientists are creepy. 

I chuckled at myself for being a dufus, then I chuckled at myself for real over all those gerbil thoughts I had then I tried to squeeze in a few more minutes of shut-eye. 

Now I am properly awake and there is this.  I guess the world makes both a little more and a little less sense to me now. 

Anyway, TGIF you guys. 

 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Muse
You have vanished, Muse.
But I kind of like how you
Put your own needs first.

Apres midi
Three to three-thirty.

You, friend, are the half hour

Of powerlessness. 

Martha

Remind me never

To listen to certain songs

When I'm this tired. 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Muse

Fickle mistress, Muse

Don't be shy or coy or cold

Muse me a haiku

Get your hand off it! (PM)

Ugh! Get your hand off it so much, Kiehl's.

Firstly, I think that Kiehl's and I have a pretty different understanding of the term 'success'. I, for example, would consider a successful website one that had both high traffic and the ability to deal with all that traffic. Kiehl's on the other hand seem to think a successful website is one that crashes when it has lots of traffic. Weird. Maybe that's cause they speak American English.

But that's just semantics right? The real point here is that, ugh, Kiehl's, your website is in Australia now. We are a people that do not give standing ovations at the drop of a hat. We are a people that believe that success is something you could largely keep to yourself. And until recently we were a people that were not overly gushy. I can't help but think that the advent of excessive gushiness may have come from USA. USA, I love you, but qualities that are charming in you are not charming over here. Like how baby farts are cute but adult ones aren't you, know.

So Kiehl's, instead of telling us your website is useless cause you are so great maybe just say something make like 'Sorry we suck.' And we'll get along just fine.

Get your hand off it! (AM)

"Get your hand off it!" is something MSC says a lot.

Not so much on Miss Soft Crab, but in real life, we say it all the time. The world is full of wank you see, and when we witness it, we find it hard to stand by and ignore it. They say that for evil to flourish, all that's necessary is for good people to stand by and do nothing. Well that goes for wanking too. We all need to point the finger at wankerlyness because if we don't, where will it end? Miss Soft Crab likes to lead by example in this respect. We even have a little pantomime that goes with it. If you're ever hanging out with us in real life, you should ask us to do it. It's funny. (For us). 

With all of this in mind, I just want to bring everyone's attention to something I saw yesterday on the Kiehl's website. I should have known that I was entering a wank danger-zone when I logged on, but I guess I was preoccupied with all the stuff I want. 

Anyway, as I was searching for things, this error page came up:

Having trouble reading that? Let's zoom in, shall we?

You've got to be effing kidding me, Kiehl's. Due to its success? The hell it is! You've just got a shitty website Kiehl's, something that could probably be fixed quite easily if you could get your hand off it for five seconds! Stop being tools and fix your website so I can buy the things.

Knobshiners.