Things on my mind this (PM)

First and foremost on my mind right now is food! I am so effing hungry that really the only things on my mind are food, why my lunch date isn’t for another half an hour, and whether the roll I know I will eat will be enough to satisfy me.

Truth is I doubt I can take my brain away from this long enough to write a food. I mean post.

I’ll try though. I’ll try with everything I’ve eat. GOT! I mean got!

Mate, that dress looks super cute. Of course, the internet can be deceptive when it comes to matters of the food. Shit, I mean wearing things. Clothes! I mean clothes! Like that time I bought what I thought were going to be super cute buttercup yellow shoes but they turned out to look like what would happen if you skinned Goldmember (the skin bit, not the red skinless innards). But I am pretty sure that your dress is cute.

As for hot creeps, don’t be shy about it. Hot creeps are totally a thing. Bowie is very attractive. And right now his name makes me think of bowtie pasta. Because that’s a bit what his name looks like. Oh God. Why is my lunch date still half an hour away?!?!?

Things that are on my mind this (AM)

- Why I set my alarm for 6am so I can go to the gym, but then always always always just roll over and sleep for longer, and then feel annoyed that my sleep was disrupted by the 6am alarm. Why do I do it? Idiot!


- Whether I actually like this dress that I bought on the weekend.

The bodice is pleated and it has a neck tie and belt that you cant really see here.

You can kind of see it here. Not really.

I think I like it. But maybe I just like it because it was originally $300 but I got it for $60. Is that why I like it?

- Whether I find Ralph Fiennes attractive in spite of his creepiness, or because of it.

 Creepy = handsome? 

Come to think of it, I find a lot of creepy people attractive.


This guy:

My first ever movie star crush

This guy: 

I could go on and on but I'm really tired so I wont. But shit guys, is creepy my type? Shit!

Friday Favourites: Flamingos (PM)

I don't know much about flamingos, but I know what I like, and I like the shit out of what I am hearing.
And J, in the same way you feel kindred with flamingos because of their lactation type deal, I can relate to them because I like to call my preferred sleeping position the flamingo. It involves lying on my side with one leg straight and the other one bent up like a flamingo.
It is very comfortable.
Speaking of comfort and little birdies,  check this out.
I like the part where they put the penguin chick in the bowl with the chux in it, and you can get a look at it's beak tooth.

Friday Favourites: Flamingos (AM)

A few years ago while on holiday in Japan I saw some sort of nature documentary on a hotel TV and there were flamingos in it. There was this beautiful footage of a huge flock of flamingos walking across the desert and it was pretty mind-blowing. (I tried to find a photo on the Google for you guys but nothing compares.) And I said to LB (HB), "I love flamingos. They are definitely one of my favourite birds."

Later that holiday we went to the Ueno Zoo. They had so many beautiful birds there. Vultures! PUFFINS! A bunch of peacocks the likes of which I had never seen before or since! But you know what I could not tear myself away from? The friggin' flamingos! Seriously I could have stood in front of those bastards forever. Here are some photos I took of them.

 

Aren't they beautiful?!

Then a few days later I saw a gold pendant in a jewellery store. It was a flamingo pendant! I dropped some hints to LB that he may want to buy it for me, saying things like, "Hey, you should buy that for me." But he just didn't pick up on them.

Well I don't have that pendant but I do have a massive love of flamingos. Did you know that they are pink because of the food they eat!? It's prawns that make them look like that?! Did you know that one theory about why they stand on one leg is that half of there body sleeps at one time!? And did you know that they are one of three birds that do something akin to lactating?! This makes me really feel like we are kindred. Of course they make their "milk" in their throat and regurgitate it into their babies mouths. And the "milk" may be more like cottage cheese. But I don't care. I love flamingos so much. They are my Friday Favourite African bird! Fo shiz!!!!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

The Iceberg

I wish I could buy 

Just half an iceberg lettuce

That's always enough

The choices people make

Vanilla scented 

Air freshener and toilet,

Not a good combo

End of the day sushi

Late in the day I 

Sometimes buy a last sushi

Always a mistake

 

Feet

Sometimes my feet hurt

Does it mean I have to change?

Surely not to Kumfs

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Last Night's Wild Weather 

I

I love a big storm

As much as the next person

Maybe even more!

II

But wasn't that just
Really heavy rain last night?
I'm just saying, guys. 

Easy Off Bam

Why don't people use

Mr Sheen any more? I

Really liked that guy.

Silvio Berlusconi
Hello  Italy!
Great news that your massive knob
Of a PM's gone!

Things from my life (PM)

What nice things you have seen!
Here are some things I have seen. 

This is Ned (foreground) and Alby (background), my Mum and Dad's dogs. Ned moves so quickly you can't really get a photo of him where you can see his features. Alby likes to carry a rubber chicken in his mouth at all times. Cute. 

 

That's a Christmas tree that went up at the bottom of my building on Monday. 7 November. Too soon, people.



Bistroteque. Ha!



Things from my life (AM)

Hey, I saw some things in the last couple of weeks I liked. Maybe you'll like them too.

I saw some good street art. In Prahran. TWICE. 

I don't know if this really qualifies as street art. But I liked it.

I love this wall of TDK headphones. I feel like this is what my childhood looked like. You know the eighties, so brown and full of TDK.

Finally, these buns really made my day. You know how packet food instructions are always really cold and bossy? They don't have to be. If you want some tenderness from your packet foods you should get these buns.

Ask Someone Who Knows (PM)

I find what you guys had to say about smells very interesting. You  may not know this about me, but recently I have been regretting my life choice to not be a scientist and so this discussion of smells is doubly interesting to me. Science and smells are two of my favourite things right now!

I can understand this theory, sure, that somehow the stinky bacteria jump around more, carrying the bad smells from someone else's mouth to your hair (ewww). But there are so many unanswered questions. Like, what is it that makes the nice smellecules in flowers and other pretty smelling things, and why aren't they jumping around all over the place?

God, smellecules are really complex. You know when you are cooking something delicious and the smell is delicious but sometimes that smell gets in your hair and it kind of smells bad then. Like barbeque hair. Barbeque smells good, barbeque hair smells bad.Same goes for fried onions. I guess because the smells are gasified when cooking, not just sitting there like in a rose petal, they are more easily transmittable or something. Shit. Now I am regretting my life choices even more! I want to know the secret of smellecules!!!

You know what life decision I am not regretting though? Not being a cook! Today I learned that cooks are not only more likely to have fried onion smelling hair they are also more likely to get lung cancer! From those very fumes that are dispersing the smellecules!!!!

Ask Someone Who Knows (AM)

I don't understand why bad smells seem to be alive and get in to things, whereas the really lovely smells just disappear. I once knew someone who's breath smelled like dead things. Week old dead things. Somehow that odour would infect everything around it. After spending time with this person, my hair also used to smell like dead things. If I walked in to a room after this person had been there for a while, my first thought was death has touched this place. The smell lived outside his body, and seemed to live quite well.

Alternatively, when I spend some time next to a bunch of garden roses, my hair takes on nothing of the sweet, sweet smell of roses. I walk away and my hair just smells like hair.
Why is it so?
I decided I would ask Miguel, because he and Legsley know everything about science, and I thought it would be more fun than googling it.

I told him my situation and here's what he said:

I don't actually know the answer to it, but I won't let that stop me from having a good Aussie dip.

As I understand it, bad smells are mainly caused by bacteria (like BO, bad breath etc smells, I mean - not like sulphur or chlorine, because they are caused by the presence of sulphur or chlorine). So like if you don't brush your teeth for awhile, there will be all sorts of food and crud in your mouth and bacteria will start eating it and producing bad smells. I have a suspicion that we may have actually evolved to think that bacteria emissions smell bad because they are usually an indication that something is rotting and so we shouldn't eat it. Anyway, maybe the actual smellecules (those are smell molecules btw) contain bacteria that set up camp in your hair. I sure hope that isn't the case. So the moral of the story is that bad smells produce more bad smells in much the same way that sourdough starter makes more sourdough starter if you feed it.

Good smells, on the other hand, are not self-replicating. Sadly rose petals do not make more rose petals if you leave them alone. So you need be a bit more proactive to make something smell like a rose.

I have no idea whether this is true, but I think it might be. I hope that helps.


Thanks Miguel, it certainly has helped.
And as for you, bacteria, thanks for nothing motherfukers! Not only are you responsible for disease, but you are also responsible for bad odours. Forget you guys.

We never even mentioned brioche! (PM)

I am so glad this is out in the open now. Just last night I was having dinner at the Edinburgh Castle and someone ordered the wagyu burger which comes on a brioche bun. I sat there and laughed quietly to myself because I can't encounter a brioche these days without thinking about, well, you know, but  nor can I bring myself to tell people that I'm one half of the blog that the internet sends you to when you go looking for you know what, hence the quiet sniggering instead of normal volume chuckling. But now it's out in the open I'm out of my private shame prison and I can laugh as much as I want when people order burgers on brioche.

But seriously, internet, we never even mentioned brioche. And I don't think we talk about a$$ and d1(k that much either (do we??). So I second all the statements J made with question marks after them.

But I do find that combination of words hilarious. And like the internet has challenged us to write a post that involves these things like it's the most normal thing in the world. Like we were French or something. First legitimate chance I get, I am totally writing about a$$, d1(k and brioche. I can't wait!

We never even mentioned brioche! (AM)

The reason that I look at how people find there way to Miss Soft Crab is not because I am self obsessed. It's because I care about the world. About you guys. Deeply. I just want you to know that.

So the other day I was looking, again, at what search words brought people here. Of course there was the usual Ewan McGreggor's smile hunters (HAHA I said it again and brought you back again! SUCKERS!) But then there was something different. Fucking eggplant. It made me smile. "Gee, that person must have really been exasperated by an eggplant." I liked that. But then I suddenly realised that was not really a very realistic interpretation. I mean, someone gets exasperated by an eggplant and then Googles 'fucking eggplant'. It didn't make sense anymore. Surely they weren't looking for something about fucking eggplant. I mean it couldn't have been about acquiring knowledge of an eggplant in the carnal sense. Right? No-one would use the internet for that kind of thing, right? Right?

I felt afraid, confused, confronted by the thought, but the truth is that nothing could fill me with the confused, delighted horror that I had experienced a few weeks earlier when I found three little words in that list of search terms that had brought readers here, three words that had no business being together. Three words I couldn't write together at the time and sure as hell won't write together here now. Thank god K had no such qualms when I texted her about it.

Who? How? Why? What? When? WHY?! WHAT?!

I don't know the answer to any of these questions. Really, I don't want to write those words here in case people are searching that phrase right now. Body parts and breakfast breads! What was that person looking for? Why did there search bring them here? Wh... WH..WHY?!?!?! WHAT?!?! WHY?!?!

What's Funny This Week (PM)

HOW HARD CAN IT BE?! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh, that is a real good one!

Hey, you know what is not that funny? IMing on FB with your BF when one of you is drunk and thinks everything she says is hilarious while the other is miserable. Whoopsie.

But you know what is worse, this week has been relatively unfunny.

God, if only this was last week! I could have talked about how I finally listened to this hilarious Jimmy Fallon interview on Fresh Air while I was on the train and it made me laugh so hard but because I was on the train I was trying not too and laugh and, well, you know how that goes. Anyway people, if this was “What was funny last week” I would definitely urge you to listen to it.

Also if this was last week I could have posted that Duck Sauce clip. Hilarious!

So I was totally at a loss and then on my lunch break I walked past a bumper sticker that had a picture of a sun punching the air under the slogan “Solar not nuclear”. And it was pretty funny. The sun! Punching the air! I felt a bit weird about photographing someone's bumper sticker. Luckily this  guy didn't think it was so funny.

What's Funny This Week

Today,  Miss Soft Crab introduces a new segment called What's Funny This Week. We don't know about you guys, but funny stuff seems to be happening all around us all the time.  In What's Funny This Week we choose just one of those funny things to share with the Miss Soft Crab community. Are you ready, everybody? Here we go.

The first What's Funny This Week comes to you from Sydney, where I have been for a work thing. I had to go to a two day workshop with folks who do the exact same job as me, but in all the other states and territories in Australia. And, New Zealand!

The organisers kept sending emails that I would describe as unnecessary.  Emails that said things like:
"It's just one month until the workshop! I hope everyone is gathering case studies and better practice examples to share with colleagues."
and:
"Only one week to go! Don't forget to bring your business cards so you can make the most of
cross-jurisdictional networking opportunities."

There was a lot of exaggerated eye-rolling at my end whenever I would get one of these emails, but secretly, I loved it. I find corporate earnestness one of the most hilarious things ever. I can't explain why, I just really love it.
The best email had an agenda for the two days of the workshop. In between the last presentation on the first day and the first presentation on the second day, the agenda read:
Late night shopping/dinner at a local restaurant/private time
Ha! (I chose private time.)

Though the stream of emails had left me expecting shit to be pretty earnest, nothing could have prepared me for this poster, which I found on the back of the toilet door.

As you can see, it is a flow chart, showing people how to go to the toilet under the heading "How hard can it be?!?!?!?!"

It's a really good thing that no one else was in the bathroom when I discovered this. Safe to say amusement could not be contained. Here is a little flow chart of my own, depicting what happened when I read it.

I think you'll agree that it is mos def what's funny this week.