Monday, February 2, 2015

What a douche (AM)

With the possible exception of Pickle, I think we can all agree that whatever else you think of Gwyneth Paltrow she has a pretty annoying side. The useless offerings on her website of vacation destinations ("Here’s the plan: Get everyone you know and love together, fly into Manzanillo, make the 90-minute trek to Costalegre where you’ll find the Chamela-Ciuxmala Biosphere Reserve..."), fashion (the GOOP "last minute winter coat guide" included Givenchy and Stella McCartney and nothing under a thousand bucks) and how to organise your wardrobe (a walk-in one helps) are enough to make me vomit. To be fair to Gwyneth she doesn't write most of that stuff on her website but it's her website, so you know. Her wholesome macrobiotic, green-juice cleanse life, accounts of wine-drinking with her soon-to-be-ex husband, he of the most vomit-inducing band of the millennium, oh it is all too much for me. Her pretty smile, lovely blonde hair, casual style, I guess both repelled and attracted me. I don't think she's a bad actress and sometimes enjoy watching her, but on balance I have to say I do not like her. 

But recently something happened to test me, I watched her on Jimmy Fallon. I watched it especially to see if she was as annoying as I thought she'd be, and you know what? I didn't hate her. I didn't love her. No, nothing like that at all, but I definitely didn't hate her. She seemed far less annoying than many other people I've seen on talk shows. When I watched Drew Barrymore on Jimmy Fallon I didn't find her endearing at all, though I expected to. Fallon is not a very good interviewer, I don't think he necessarily brings out anything special from his guests but there Gwyneth was being moderately likeable. Boy was I confused and a little confronted. 

Then a few days ago I got an email, I know in fact it was from my mum, but it arrived from my dad's account, there next to Dad's name was the subject line "Gwyneth Paltrow advises women to 'steam-clean' their vaginas". Hahahahhaahah. And with that the status quo was restored. Apparently Gwyenth, whose name was above this piece published on GOOP, likes to sit on a jet of steam to clean out her vagina and uterus. I guess I just feel like this sounds like ... a total crock of shit. But don't just take it from me, listen to Gwynny, "It is an energetic release that balances female hormone levels." Ummmmm, yep no doubt that is a crock of shit. The Guardian website has a couple of interesting articles on this steaming malarkey, one for it and one rational one. Read them if you like! Well, Gwyneth, with your zillions of dollars I'm sure you have to invent new ways to spend it and new ways of demonstrating how cleansed and zen you are and I guess a vaginal steam clean can help on both those counts, it helps me too, it helps me realise how justified I've been thinking you're a loser. Thanks, Gwyneth, I guess we both win!

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