What I have learned about having babies (The next day)

Yesterday, J posted about the things she has learned about having babies. Then I posted about how I am struggling to manage my time while on maternity leave.
Now I should really talk about what I have learned about having babies. But the truth is, everything I have learned about having babies has led me to form the view that I will never, ever, ever be prepared for having a baby. J said as much. Everyone says as much. So apart from following some useful tips I've received that relate to things like lighting, music and the timing of episiotomy, I'm basically just going to wing it.
Last night someone told me that giving birth is a real out of body experience, though not so out of body that you're removed from the pain. No sirree. It made me think about the time I went to see Batman, the original Batman, at the movies when I was about 8 or 9 and I had the beginnings of gastro but pretended I was fine because I really wanted to see Batman.

I was in a very strange place watching that film and it was certainly the closest I've had to an out of body experience. My memories of it are that it's pretty psychedelic, but I don't think that's right. I know enough to know that having a baby probably won't be like watching Batman. But mostly I'm just excited to find out.

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I really like J's reflections on what she has learnt about having babies. And I want to give it the response it deserves, but what I have learnt about cooking babies is that it is a very tiring caper. And I am not yet used to managing my time while on maternity leave. I just got back from seeing the Amy Winehouse movie and have to go out again in 5 mins. I don't know how people juggle so much stuff, including their feelings about Amy Winehouse and how tragic her life story is. So, come back tomorrow for an  out of session response to J's post and I'll spill my guts for you guys. Not literally. 

I really hope. 

What I have learned about having babies (AM)

As K approaches her due date we've been talking about having babies. Mainly about birth. Sometimes there is criticism in the world about how much focus there is on labour given it is only one day and motherhood is for life and blah blah blah. But to those critics I say eff the hell off. Labour is hard and horrible and I'm sure that preparing for it helps. But having said that it really is so full on you can't really get it until your in it. At least that is what I found. But when I had Baby I didn't really have anyone close to me that had already had babies. There was my mum of course, but that was nearly 30 years earlier. I didn't have any close friends that had babies so there was not a lot fresh information. Oh sure I read a bit and I spoke to health professionals but other than that there was not a lot for me.

Childbirth in movies seems so over the top but simultaneously somehow not extreme enough. You certainly can't learn anything from movies. You know, unlike all the real life stuff you can learn from them, like how you will probably end up with Ryan Gosling and also all the bitches you went to school with will lose and you will win and also you will be able to afford really nice clothes and a nice apartment even though you never seem to work. And having babies is the kind of thing that even when you see an accurate representation in a movie you don't know it's accurate until it is happening to you.

For example, the most accurate representation of the early days of motherhood is that scene in Raising Arizona when Nicholas Cage first steals the baby and Holly Hunter just starts sobbing and repeating "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!"

That is basically exactly what having a baby is like. It was for me anyway. But that's not really helpful is it? Though perhaps if you're expecting that feeling you won't feel so confronted by it.

I was in a public hospital when I had Baby, so less than 48 hours after he was born I was sent home with my baby having been shown how to bath him and told to ensure that his penis was always pointing down and the frills of his nappy pulled out so as to avoid leakage. It seemed pretty crazy and irresponsible of the hospital that they would let me take a tiny human home with so little knowledge to keep us both alive and happy, but I guess they do it every day and must have a pretty reasonable success rate. We're all alive and pretty happy, so I guess the hospital know what they are doing.

If in doubt there is always Wikipedia's parenting page.

Slightly stalkerish (PM)

Well this is timely. I came to Miss Soft Crab today after a period of trawling through instagram, mainly because today is my first day of maternity leave and I'm not sure what else to do.

Just jokes. Actually, it's because KJ sent me this photo, from Amanda Palmer's instagram:

Apparently Amanda Palmer is pregnant, and if there's one fact about pregnancy that no one warned me about, it's that all other pregnant women become extremely fascinating. And what better way to indulge this fascination than trawling through her instragram account for all pregnancy related photos. 

That fits safely into the category of following far away celebrities that have no impact on my life.

But I'm vulnerable to following folk who are within arms reach. And I've felt creepy about it. 

For example, there's this woman from Hobart who writes a blog about her life in Hobart. She mainly writes brief posts about something she has eaten, seen or thought about but she takes really nice photos and has a dog, a Springer Spaniel, who she calls Jerry Springer Spaniel. Appleheart is from Hobart and I think it's of those places where everyone knows everyone, so I've wanted to be on the DL about it, in case he knows her. I don't want to feel creepy, you know? It helps that I don't know her name and she doesn't post pictures of herself. But she had a baby recently and so naturally I started following her on instragram. 

It was all going well until a couple of weekends ago. I was scrolling through instagram and noted a photo from All Day Donuts announcing they were out of donuts for the day. Then a few scrolls later I saw a photo of a collection of those unmistakable all day donuts from this girl and I thought "oh, she's in Melbourne, and lucky she made it to all day donuts before they sold out!"

Ewwwwww! Creeepy!

Slightly stalkerish (AM)

It's no secret that I love Instagram. It's like an amuse-yeux, if you will. But there's definitely a slightly creepy component. When you follow your friends on Instagram it seems fine. They are posting pictures for their friends and it's like we're all in all this together. When you follow celebrities it's fine too. They know they are famous and that thousands or hundreds of thousands or millions of people are looking at their pictures. I'm ok with that. But following minor Melbourne-based celebrities makes me feel a bit off. 

The thing about Instagram is that it's really easy for one thing to lead to another and bada bing bada bang you're following some celebrity you have a middling to negligible interest in. Which explains why I follow Hugh Jackman and Dianne Kruger (?!) So it was that I found myself following Henry Wagons, who is a pretty prolific  Instagramer. There I was, just seeing what he was up to several times a day, so when he brought his baby daughter into the pool where Baby has swimming lessons I was confronted by that creepy feeling of knowing way too much about the stranger standing right in front of me. It's fine feeling like you know a celebrity on the other side of the world because they are completely removed from you but there is something disconcerting about that feeling when it involves some guy you just see around. Needless to say I stopped following Henry Wagons. But it happens with other people too and it's slightly uncomfortable for me. 

Given this is how I feel about the stalkerish nature of Instagram I was pretty surprised by the turn I took on a recent late-night jaunt through the search function. 

You see when you go into the search function, Instagram offers suggestions of people you might like to follow, people with similar followers or followees or hashtags or locations or who-knows-what to the people you already follow, and so it was that a picture posted by a local gallery came to my attention. And in that picture was a woman I recognised as a distant neighbour. She lives in my street but way down the other end so I don't know her, I just walk past her frequently as she works in her garage with the roller door open right into the street, working at a desk or pottering around surrounded by small prints 5-10 centimetres wide. She's always working away looking contented and I've wondered about her so many times. What is she doing? Are those her prints? Is this her job? Her life? It's just this lovely little studio in a garage and she really captured my imagination, so I could hardly believe that I'd just stumbled on this picture of her. Of course it was only a couple of clicks before I was following her on Instagram and now I know so much more about her. How she has cats, of course, that seem to be like children. And she's renovating her house. And yes she's a print maker and those are her lovely little prints around her studio. And contrary to what you may think, this glimpse into her life hasn't disappointed me at all. I love it. And she's not a friend or a celebrity. Just an artist with a public Instagram account. I haven't walked past her since this has happened so I guess it remains to be seen how I feel about this situation. I guess I may feel a little too creepy and have to stop following her, but right now I don't feel nearly as uncomfortable about it as I'd have suspected. Well, not after the first 10 minutes when I wondered if this was indeed a weird thing to do. I mean, her account is public. What a strange new world.

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (PM)

Bennifer II are splitting up?! See that's why I don't read the paper. Not really, I don't read the paper because when I read about anything the government or  opposition say or do I get so depressed and world events... Forget about it. And even though it's great for the US that they have marriage equality it just made me so depressed that those conservative United States are more progressive than Australia. Seriously WTF?!

But a box of assorted has to have some delights too, right?! I can't stop thinking about this bread my neighbour made yesterday. It's based on a no-knead recipe from the NY Times and it was so freaking good we ate half a loaf in one sitting. Slathered with butter and Vegemite. Yeah boyeeeeeee! I'm planning to make it ASAP. I'd link to the recipe but I'm writing this on my phone as we head to the snow. 

And snow is delightful!

A box of Miss Soft Crab assorted (AM)

I'm quite sure I served up a box of Miss Soft Crab assorted the other day, and I'm sorry to do so again so soon. But these days I ponder things for about 20 seconds at most so I'm afraid it's a bit of a necessity. 

First, the news. 

Sorry to start on a downer, but day after day it starts terrible and stays terrible and it doesn't look like letting up soon. It's changing the way I read the newspaper. Or you know, the newspaper on the Internet. I assume things are a bit of a catastrophe as a starting point, such that when I read Bennifer II are breaking up I immediately thought "oh no, not Bennifer II" and it took a few moments before I thought "oh wait, I don't give a shit about Bennifer II". I have no solutions, this one is a pure whinge.

Second, nice things.

I've got two nice things that keep popping into my thoughts. First, this view of the city. It's such a rip snorter and I love getting to see it each day. 

One of the benefits of the commute from the new neighbourhood.

The other thing I keep thinking about are these delicious eggplant and potato curry wraps J and I used to regularly buy from the student union building and eat when we were at uni. Goddamn they were good. Is that place still open? Perhaps chickpea could do some recon for us and if so, we could all go there for a lovely lunch soon. 

29 June 2015 (PM)

Ironically, in that Alanis Morrisette way and not in any actual way, it is my last month before returning to work from maternity leave. I guess  my feelings are mixed too. Exhaustion is moderate. But I'm going to the snow this week so I'm trying not to think about all that other stuff.

... time lapse...

Turns out I'm not thinking about anything at all, because after starting that post this morning I just zoned out into some world of non... just non. I guess my brain is already in the snowy wasteland. Sorry.

29 June 2015 (AM)

It's my last week of work before I go on maternity leave. Feelings are mixed. Exhaustion is profound. And I really regret not buying this tiger and cub statue.

That's all for today. 

Haiku Thursday (PM)

I dream of things like

Cheese, sashimi, runny eggs

J's dreams are cooler

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Dreams

Last night dreamt I met

Questlove in a Johnstone Street

Taqueria. Weird. 

Last week dreamt I met

Snoop on a bus in Cali 

Offered me a joint

What does it all mean?

Probably that I should, must

Get out a lot more 

Sounds like my Sunday night (PM)

Strangely, I've been in a pretty positive mood all day, despite the fact that there are baby girls out there called Wyatt. What the eff, Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher. What the eff. 

I think my positivity is largely sport related. First, the Dees won yesterday. Against the Cats at Cat park! The most unlikely win ever! And while I take no pleasure in a Cats defeat, I take enormous pleasure in a Dees victory, so here I am feeling cheerful. 

Then I woke to the news that the Matildas won their round of sixteen match against Brazil last night. I love it when women's sport gets news coverage and I love it when women are total champs and this represented both those things. I find it very exciting.

I wish Doggy was still with us though. He was truly a dog for all seasons. There's nothing positive about him not being here. Sorry Mate.  

Sounds like my Sunday night (AM)

Last night I started writing about dogs. But it ended up really just being about the part of my soul I lost when Doggy died and I am pretty sure no one wants to start their week off reading about the death of a dog or the attendant heartache. I mean we have all week for the melancholy to grow, let's try and start  off positive.

The crazy thing is, I watched Ted last night and if that can't elicit a positive post, what hope is there.

I couldn't stop thinking about where the story goes in Ted 2 and how Amanda Seyfried is the female lead instead of Mila Kunis and how I hope that doesn't mean that the Marky Mark and Mila Kunis characters have broken up. I mean the whole point of Ted is their personal growth and eventual marriage. This in turn led me to question why I'm such a square and whether I'm too resistant to change. But that's what movies often ask of us, to invest everything into a relationship, you can't just trash that relationship for the sake of a sequel. Plus I quite like Mila Kunis and I can't say the same for Seyfried.

Apparently Mila Kunis was too busy being a mother to her baby, Wyatt, to be in Ted 2. Yep, she's at home with baby girl. Her baby girl called Wyatt. Oh, Wyatt isn't a girl's name you say? Moreover, it's fucking ugly. I know! Wyatt makes Apple look like a great name. Seriously, Hollywood. What are you doing to your children?!?! Anyway I wish I didn't know about baby Wyatt, it really is making me rethink my feelings for Kunis.

Ugh, this attempt at a positive start to the week didn't work at all. Off you go. I release you from this post.

What now? (PM)

Wow, this morning's post raised so many questions. But it made me think some other things too, like if I was a cardinal who had helped cover up the abuse perpetrated on hundreds or thousands of victims and I really believed in the teachings of Catholicism and I just kept on rising through the Catholic ranks till I got moved over to Italy and handed a Vatican credit card I would be nervous as fuck about what was awaiting me in the afterlife.

But that's by the by I guess. I don't believe in God (although the idea of one that just keeps rewarding a-holes in this life to lull them into a false sense of security before handing them over to Satan in the afterlife amuses me. But in reality that would be a total abuse of his or her omnipotence that I couldn't support. ) I just believe in treating people well, not effing them over, you know, being excellent to each other. But I also believe in sense. You know, you want to look after people, but you  gotta understand the parameters of the world.

If you found a wallet with money it, $10, $90, $1000, you'd try and find the owner or you'd hand it in to the police station. Or you do both. Once I found a wallet in from of my house and I tracked down the owner on Facebook and told her which police station I'd taken her wallet to. Boy did I feel good about myself. If you found a bag with heaps of cash in it, you'd take that to the police station too. But $90 sitting in the street, the person that lost that knows they are never getting it back. Lost cash is one of life's little mysteries and tragedies. When you lose a bit of cash like that you wonder how you could have been so foolish. You look around, and if you find a message saying "Hey! Did you lose something here? I found it, please call me." Then you call the number on that sign. Presuming you left a number. You left a number, right mate? But there is no way a person is hanging on to the hope of finding that $90 two weeks after they lost it. You have to make peace with lost cash basically the day you lose it because you know there is no way it is coming back to you.

That money is yours mate.