Oscars round up 2017 (the hunk report)

Well yesterday was finally Hot Oscars day! Oh sure it was also the day that the wrong movie was named as best picture, but we all know that, we don't need to go on about it, right. The real question was did the producers manage to fuck up the golden platter of hunks and make it hunkless and boring? Well the answer is... yes and no. Sadly for me and you and K, K had to work yesterday so we had very one sided text conversation.

Viggo Mortensen and Casey Affleck were both in the front couple of rows so there was a lot of action there. And Jimmy Kimmel hosted so there was a lot of referencing of Matt Damon who was sitting right behind Casey. Oh, and Casey won. So you know there were a lot of special moments. And I really liked when they showed Casey reading a mean tweet in this brown sweater.

Ryan Gosling was up front too and that was nice. And when this unknowing tour bus full of people were ushered into the room and down past the front row The Gos was the first to jump up and say hello. Hot. I also liked his mean tweet.

Gael Garcia Bernal presented an award. So did Dev Patel. And I liked how Viggo brought his son. So yeah, there were some hot moments. But holy shit, those fucking awards are so self-indulgent and I think they're getting worse.

Lucky for me I had Pickle as a text buddy during the ceremony. I missed Viola Davis's speech but Pickle drew my attention to the fact she said  "Acting is the only profession that celebrates what it is to live a life." Yes, acting is sooooooo special. Every time a best actor award was given they played clips from moments of past acceptance speeches. As if watching them the first time isn't painful enough. And there was some fucking thing where a famous actor would talk about some older famous actor they loved when they were a kid and then those two actors would come out and present something together, but only after getting a standing ovation. FUCK. Get your fucking hand off it Academy. I know I say this every year, but I just don't know if I can watch next year. And yet I know I won't be able to look away 😔

Portraits

A collection of portraits of KB's closest friends. 

 

Gummi bear. We bought him for a fiver at the Reservoir tip shop. Great place, you should all go sometime.

 

Zebra Lee Furness. Plays twinkle twinkle little star when you squeeze its ear. But the batteries are running out, so it sounds like HAL singing in the final stages of 2001: A space odyssey.

 

Finally, MC Hammerhead. KB LOVES MC Hammerhead. 

Well...shit (KI day 5)

Kangaroo Island is bloody beautiful. The beaches are like a dream. And then there's Flinders Chase National Park which is home to Admiral's Arch and Remarkable Rocks, which are, to say the least, remarkable. They are these huge sculptural geological beauties which really make you marvel at nature. And life. And everything. 

Admiral's Arch is also incredible.  Although visiting on a day so windy you could basically lie on the wind at a 45 degree angle made the walk somewhat unpleasant, seeing the coast in those conditions was pretty spectacular. The wild wind and sea, a bunch of seals just chillaxing amidst it all.

And the fish and chips down here, though terribly expensive, are among the best I've ever had.  Oh sure, when you try to make a phone order the phone just goes to the owners mobile who isn't at the shop and just tells you to walk down there and order. And she's right, it is quick. And it's effing worth it. 

When we arrived on Sunday after the 9-hour drive, the brown hotel room, the $200, 45-minute ferry ride LB and I were saying, "Well this is nice, I can't imagine we'll ever be back here." By Wednesday it was "Next time we come let's camp for two nights here, book a house there..." 

So I get it. Kangaroo Island? Oh its beautiful. 

Affirmation

When I got out of the shower this morning and saw my footprints on the bath mat, I thought what absolutely anyone would think when faced with the same sight:

 

God I have fantastic arches.

Sunshine and isolation (KI day 3)

Well on Monday the sun came out and the skies were blue and I can assure you this really helped show Kangaroo Island to its full advantage. We saw some beautiful beaches. I mean the coast is really beautiful. Check it out:

But if I'm honest on Monday I didn't think it was any more beautiful than the beaches of northern NSW. But on Tuesday we travelled further afoot, down the beaches of the south coast. And shit you guys, these beaches are something else. Fine white sand. The sea a colour that looks photoshopped. Blue-green and crystal clear. They're bloody beautiful.  And on top of this there's the lack of people. You don't see empty beaches like this everyday and that is pretty goddamn special. And the kind of beauty I couldn't really capture on my iPhone.

And on top of this there's the Ligurian bees. As K mentioned KI has a population of them but not just that, it's a pure population with no other honey bees on the island and you're not even allowed to bring honey here lest you pollute the population. We went to a honey farm where we tasted some fine honey and even finer honey ice cream. It was fan-bloody-tastic. It had this beautiful creamy flavour and texture and it wasn't too sweet. It was so delicious I wanted to go back for more yesterday.

But everything is quite far here and you can't just go out of your way for honey ice cream every day. According to the designated driver. So I just had a mini Magnum for desert. It was as good as the Clifford's Honey Farm honey ice cream. I'll be thinking about that for a long time. 

Cool facts about KI

Wikipedia has taught me some cool facts about Kangaroo Island. 

1. It's Australia's third largest island after Tasmania and Melville Island.

2. Previous indigenous populations left the island due to sea level rises. Apparently.

3. Early settlers of the colony of South Australia wanted to make the capital of South Australia on KI. Others didn't, and in the end the others won. 

4. It has sea lions and penguins and awesome birds of prey. 

5. It is home to many Ligurian bees, also known as Italian bees. I don't know what makes an Italian bee different from a regular bee. Do they use their hands a lot when they buzz? 🐝 🇮🇹 🤷‍♀️

Pretty pretty (KI day 1)

Everyone I told that I was going to Kangaroo Island would either say "Oh, it's beautiful!" Or "It's meant to be beautiful!"

On Saturday we left Melbourne. Me with a motherfucker of a headache, LB with a cold and the mood of a person that's been running around since 7am plus some the night before and Baby, Newbie and Whoopsie with the respective constitutions and temperaments of 6-year-, 3-year- and 4-month-olds, none of which were made for day-long drives.

So we drove for 9 hours with many tears and not as many laughs and stayed the night in a very small, brown motel room in Victor Harbour which the children thought was fantastic and I kind of loved because it was stationary and had comfortable beds and gave me that sense of being anywhere and nowhere which is one of the joys of a shitty motel.

Yesterday we caught a ferry over to Kangaroo Island under grey skies and periodic rain and somewhat underdressed and to be honest Penneshaw, where we docked just seemed like any small Australian town. We've driven around a little and it seems nice. Cute old stone buildings all over the place, some nice vistas and beaches. It's totally pretty. I've seen heaps of pretty places before though.  But behind where I write this is a whole island yet to been seen, so I guess today will prove just how deserved this reputation is. 

Little pleasures

It's been a busy week for me. I'm still adjusting to working four days and I have been getting so little sleep on account of KB wanting to party all night. I guess I'm  just worn out and vulnerable. 

But it's Friday and I'm about to have two whole days with my loved ones. The Dees play tomorrow night. Things are looking up. 

And to really ease myself out of the hard part of the week and into the sweet sweet weekend, I'm going to have two coffees today and a Banh mi. 

Woohoo!

Oh dear

Well I've finally lost it. Last night I dreamt I had an adjoining hotel room with Michelle and Barrack Obama. They were lovely by the way.  

Also wholesome AF

I have also had some recent garden experiences that can be described as wholesome AF. 

For example, here is KB eating a strawberry off a bush in our backyard.

 

Less wholesome and certainly less awesome is that this was taken right after we had spent ten minutes opening and shutting the lid of the bin. 

Here is my almost ripe pumpkin.

 

It's a bit weird but it's mine, so what can you do? 

And finally, here are the tomatoes that I  have failed to stake effectively.

 

Delicious little fuckers! 

Wholesome AF

Early last spring I pulled out the last of our winter crops (a few bitter beetroot and some gone-to-seed rainbow chard) filled the beds with compost and allowed the earth to settle before I planted my summer crops. And you can bet that putting down that compost with a fresh layer of mulch on top made me feel pretty productive and in tune with the earth and happy to have neat garden beds. But summer came and is nearly gone and I never planted the summer plants. Lucky for me though, a bountiful crop of tomatoes a couple of summers ago seems to have imparted annual self-seeded plants to that bed and a healthy plant sprouted this year without me doing anything. I kept looking at it thinking I should stake it and prune it and these thoughts came and went, much like the summer and now that plant is growing along the ground, but the tomatoes keep growing and ripening and I guess before nurseries and neat garden aesthetics tomatoes probably did grow along the ground, so I'm just  thinking that I'm like the OG.*

When we got home from school yesterday Baby and Newbie wanted to pick those tomatoes (cherry styles) and ran inside to each get a bowl and pick the toms. Guys, watching your children pick their own after-school snack from your garden makes you feel wholesome as fuck! I got such goddamn joy watching that tomato-picking and just thinking about them eating those little toms. It was the best.

I feel the same way when I see Whoopsie's modern cloth nappies (as they're known) drying on the line. Yes, I put two children through all their nappy-wearing years in disposables and the resulting self-loathing meant that I have finally switched to reusables and despite knowing how terrible I've been using those disposables, seeing cloth nappies on the line just makes you feel so wholesome it's like all your sins are washed away. That picture up top is just a picture I stole from the internet. My washing line and backyard do not look like that. Imagine if they did! I'd be fucking drowning in wholesomeness!! Lucky my backyard is way scuzzier.



*Original gardener

The haves and the have nots

Last night was another of what I like to call KB's party nights. When he wakes up at about 11pm and wants to party and wants us to party with him. Yada yada yada I'm really tired today. 

I'm on my way to work and while I usually enjoy my choice of seating options on the #86 at this hour, for some reason this sardine can is packed. 

I feel a little hard done by. I was really looking forward to a little micronap but I can't do that standing up, can I? I'm not Phar Lap! I feel like if these people knew how little sleep I'd had then they'd agree I need the seat. If only there was a way of silently communicating to the world how difficult your personal circumstances are, so the seats can be given to the most deserving. I guess there are faces. Those things provide an indication of what's going down. Looking at the faces I have to admit that maybe I'm not the most deserving person. Though it's hard to tell what with everyone looking down at their phones. 

 

Replace those papers with phones and you've got my commute! 

I can't tell if I deserve a seat more than my brothers and sisters on the #86. But boy do I want one. 

Take a long hard look at yourself

This is a pile of fish called gaebuls and it's what you get if you decide to Google "fish that looks like a penis"

Yesterday K texted me to ask if I had any found cock pictures on my phone and I had to tell her, 'No'. I can't even remember the last time I took a found cock picture. It really depressed me. I mean, I'm just trying to get through the day, get from A to B while making sure my children are OK and when was the last time I stopped to smell the roses, or better still, appreciate something that isn't meant to look like a cock but does. Or an amusingly placed cock graffito. When was the last time I did something for me?! It's time I took a long hard look at myself, reset, prioritise and just find the beauty and hilarious cocks in the world. So, thanks, Mate, we all need a reminder sometimes to think about what's important.

A great thing

For ages I've been complaining about the fact that whoever delivers the local newspaper on our street has interpreted our "no junk mail" sign to mean we don't want it. Crazy! We totally want it! 

The other day, I noticed that Applehart had taken the sharpie with him while watering the garden and then the next day, discovered this: 

 

Appleheart does great things like this all the time.

The hell mouth

Before we had kids LB would often spend a week or two of the summer in Sydney. Sometimes working up there, sometimes just chilling with his fam l, a holiday for which I didn't want to use my annual leave. But it was good. I'd just live my life in Melbourne and watch a few seasons of Buffy. God I miss that luxury. 

During one such period I was at my uncle's place for some family gathering when my then 10-year-old cousin convinced me and Russeth and Chickpea to go across the road to a race track that had carnival rides set up at Christmas time for office parties and would give free passes to neighbouring residents to appease their response to the constant noise. By the time she dragged us along my lil' cuz had spent so much time there she bee-lined straight for her favourite ride, a sickening-looking one that had small capsules that spun around while sitting atop a circle that also spun around and was possibly in another circle spinning around. I can't remember the details but there was a fuckload of spinning and seconds after it began I just wished it would end. It seemed to last for ever, though it could only have been minutes. The whole time Russeth was sitting beside me making these kind of heaving noises which were a self soothing technique for him but really made my experience much worse. And the whole time, the minutes that felt like hours, I just kept wondering if somehow all that Buffy I'd been watching had somehow brought the hell mouth to Moonee Ponds and if that ride had sent me through that hellmouth into a hell dimension. And when I say that's what I thought I don't mean I was thinking of Buffy as a metaphor I mean I really started to wonder if a Buffy was real and I was in hell. That ride was awful and it was messing with my mind. 

I was reminded of it the other day when we went to Adventure Park and Baby went by himself on a ride that went fast around in circles and high in the air. Basically the ride pictured above. I could see his cute little face, teeth clenched, eyes shut tight. I could really feel his terror and sickness and I asked myself why hadn't I warned him properly. Why did I let him do it. When the ride finished he came off and told me he'd been terrified but by he end he'd loved it. By the end of the day he'd been on that ride ten times at least and I know that he hadn't been in the hellmouth. He loved it. 

I don't even like swinging on a park swing, I find it mildly nauseating. Being a kid is so different to being an adult. I used to love doing underwater somersaults for that sick feeling. Now I can't even bring myself to do one to see what it's like. Why is a kids fun an adults hell mouth? Life, ay?

I wonder how that came about

I had no idea the bananas were so rubbish. Lucky KB has no interest in television yet, despite our frequent attempts. People are all 'limit children's screen time' but I couldn't pay KB to watch a screen. 

I'm back from a lovely weekend in Hobart. We loaded up on cheese and oysters in quantities that could lead to overdose but they're so good down there I just want MORE. 

On the way to the airport I saw this shop next to a Caltex. 

 

I bet it's a car loving couple who run both shops, injecting their passion into everything they do. 

Summer recap

Well hunk week was a great way to start the year. I'm pretty sure we all agree on that. But it's time to move on. For now. 

Guys! How was everyone's summer? On a personal level? Obviously it's still summer but we're all back at work now, the holiday is over. How was it?

My summer was pretty idyllic I guess. The pool, the beach, my famous annual new year brunch. A night out. Basically living the dream. 

I'm not wearing pyjama pants in the street though which is disappointing. I tried on  pyjama-like pants and they were actually the spitting image of the Banana in Pyjama pants but in the end the similarity was to much.

I fucking hate the Bananas. They're such idiots and I just think they are terrible role models for our children. Protect the children, ABC! What are you trying to create a generation of bumbling fools who know nothing about the world and can't even figure out the things that are right in front of them? That continue toxic relationships with rats who do nothing but try to manipulate people. END BANANAS NOW!

Woah, sorry. I guess my summer produced some pent up anxiety or is it rage? Probably as a result for having to sacrifice a clean house for the duration of the school holidays. But seriously. On the whole summer has been a delight and I'm looking forward to enjoying the rest of it. And I still haven't given up on pyjamas as pants.

Hunk week award for best newcomer

Yesterday, Appleheart took KB to his motherland, Hobart. It was my first night without the little boy, so I did the thing I have been longing to do since July 2015: I went to the movies by myself. I saw Lion.  In retrospect, seeing a film about a lost boy adrift from home and family wasn't the wisest choice. Especially for the first half hour where we watch the little guy, tiny and alone, drifting through the streets longing for his mother. And then he gets sent to Hobart, tiny and alone, in a tshirt that says Tasmania. 

 

Suffice to say there was not a dry eye in my face. 

But the little Hobartian grew up and turned into Dev Patel, which is pretty much the reason I went to the movie. 

To answer J's question from Tuesday, yes, he's very good in it and yes, he's a bona fide hunk. And he's a rare kind of hunk: a smiley hunk. Sure he can brood, but all hunks can brood. Still can't hurt to remind ourselves: 

 

But his hunkiness grows when he smiles, and he smiles often. 

 

And it turns out he's nominated for best supporting actor at the hunky oscars! 

But I'd like to give him a Miss Soft Crab award, which I've just decided to nickname the Phwoars (without any consultation with J mind you, but I'm sure she'll be on board). So the Phwoar for best newcomer goes to Dev Patel, long may he smile and brood and get bumped up to the best actor category where he damn well belongs. Best support? Please! The man carries that film. 

Hunk Week

Remember how on Monday K was all 'Hell, we don't want to start this year off on a negative note!" And on Tuesday I was all, "Accentuate the positive!" And then yesterday K was all "I love Leonardo!" Well, fuck it I say. It's already Thursday let's just call it and say this is Hunk Week. Could there be a better or more fitting way or Crabbier start to the year.  Nah-uh.

But geez, what a question. The best hunk of all!? A hunk to rule all other hunks.

Leonardo is definitely my favourite something. But favourite what?!

Here's a man that was never even considered for Hunk of the Month. Because if I'm honest, he's missing that phwaor factor.

Or is he?! I've explored my feelings for Leo here before and I think it's safe to say I'll do it again. But not right now. I love that guy, but is he my favourite hunk?

Thinking about those past Oscar nominees actually got me thinking that if Heath were alive today and had continued to be as awesome as ever he'd probably be my favourite hunk. Certainly he is one of history's finest hunks.

But although I can probably say Michelle Williams' Oscar look here is my all-time favourite, can I say Heath is my favourite hunk ever? I mean he was hot, special. Hot. But hotter than all others?

What about Ewan? I think I love him more than any hunk ever. He's practically the backbone of Miss Soft Crab, or the exoskeleton. 

What about Damon?

Shit, he's as confused as I am! I think in their own ways their each my number one hunk. I just have a lot of categories. Like the Oscars. It's reasonable.

I guess it's like movies, books, songs. I mean so many times a song will come on the radio and I'll think, "This is THE BEST SONG!" But then if it came down to it would that really be my favourite ever song? I guess I feel the same way about hunks.  I just can't pick a favourite. But what a great problem to have. 

Will we ever move on? We will never move on!

⚠️⚠️⚠️THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS RELATED TO ELENA FERRANTE's NEOPOLITAN NOVELS! THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️⚠️

I know we should be talking about more than just hunks but there is so much to say about hunks. 　

I also know that when J went through the list of past Oscar line-ups to acknoweldge that while there have been previous hot years, none so hot as 2017, my head was spinning over all the historical hunks out there. 　

Beatty!
Brando!

Ledger!　

Newman!　

Pacino!　

Phoenix!　

I'm putting them in alphabetical order because I don't want to rank them. 　

But heck, now I am thinking about ranking, I am wondering who would be my all time favourite hunk and despite my better judgement, I think it would be Leonardo. 　

God. How did that happen? 　

It's like i'm Elena Greco and HERE IT COMES⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER ALERT 🚨 🚨🚨🚨even though I know Nino Sarratore is going to break my heart and ruin my life I can't help but love him above all others. 　

Leonardo is my Nino Sarratore.