A business idea (PM)

Ha. Pissweak World! Good one!

Except I can't help but think that I would feel the same way about Pissweak World that I did about Gumbaya Park and Wobbies World as a kid. That is amusement at its existence but no real interest in going there. Oh sure maybe deep down the TV ads stirred up something for WW and GP and maybe Pissweak World would stir something similar but not enough to make me give in to a child's pleas. But maybe I'm delusional because my children are so young. One is only interested in boobs . The other would no doubt be interested in crappy expensive amusement parks but is young enough to be distracted with the promise of sweet treats or fun elsewhere. But I guess it won't be like that forever. 

But I talk like I'm so high and mighty. This one time when I guess I was about 18 I went with Chickpea and Strawberry to Wobbies World because Strawberry, fresh off the boat from Sydney couldn't believe a place with such a name existed. When we got there we were so put off by the exorbitant prices we decided to visit the nearby street where Neighbours was filmed. You know, for a laugh. Maybe you were there too, Mate? (Is this even how the story goes?!  Maybe it happened a little differently but if there's one thing revisiting this story makes me realise is that maybe you are never too old too be distracted by an alternative to a crappy expensive park. 

Ps. That ape and monkey place sounds dope!

A business idea (AM)

I've just spent the weekend in the Brecon Beacons and while there, I had a great business idea.
FYI, the Brecon Beacons is a lovely national park in South Wales with lots of nice waterfalls and lots of nice walking to be done. If you find yourself in Wales, you should totally go because it's very nice.

As we were driving there, we passed by some pretty lame tourist attractions, such as the Wales Ape and Monkey Sanctuary* and a bunch of other lame looking parks. It reminded me of  the lame things we used to drive past when we were on family holidays in Victoria in the 1980s,  and how no matter how lame these things seemed, my brothers and I would still beg our parents to let us go to them. This got me thinking, thinking about how lameness isn't something we really cared about when we were growing up, we just wanted to go to all the things and we would whinge and moan until our very tired parents gave way.
That's how we made it to Wobbie's World and I'm sure that's how we would have made it to Gumbaya Park if my parents hadn't gone one up on all of us and built a pool in our back yard which silenced our pleas forever, pretty much.

I started thinking that if that's what we were like as children, then surely that's what the kids of today are like too. And on top of that, the kids of the 1980s, the Wobbie's World generation, are parents themselves now. They are the ones having to endure the relentless pleas of their children, pleas to take them this place and that, pleas that they try to ignore but will have to give in to at some point. Or at least, give in to one in four, or something like that.

Then it hit me like a tonne of those crappy coloured plastic balls that they have at Ikea and stuff. What do those parents and children need to break the deadlock? I'll tell you what they need.

Pop-up Pissweak World, my business idea.

Pop-up Pissweak World will combine shitty attractions for the kids with the fun of nostalgia for the parents (both amusement park nostalgia and The Late Show nostalgia) in a very 21st century format.
It's perfect! Kids will want to go and parents will want to take them there.
All we need is a property about 45 minutes from Melbourne and some crappy stuff for them to play on. We should also make sure there is some good good coffee to drink because Wales does not care about that and it's killing me, readers, it's killing me.

Who's with me?!



*We didn't go to the Wales Ape and Monkey Sanctuary so it could have been great and if so, I'm sorry.

Highlights from a lazy life (a whole other day)

Hi you guys.
I've just gotten back to Cardiff after being in Snowdonia. I don't want to complain because I am very lucky to be in Wales and I totally like talking to people but having the same conversation with 200 people in 24 hours is tiring as fuck.
I just want to have a lazy woman's iced coffee and some Welsh Rarebit with carrot on top and go to bed.
Good call, Matey.

Highlights from a lazy life (AM)

They say that necessity is the mother of invention and also that genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration. But I've found that while those things may be true so is: laziness is the other mother of invention and, ipso facto, genius is basically 100% inspiration and 0% perspiration, if you use a rounding system because nothing is really 100% right?!

I don't want you to think it's not cool to work hard, 'cause it is. Stay in school, kids! But while I was enjoying my lazy man's coffee the other day all this became clear. 

What's lazy man's coffee? I'm so glad you asked! It's a little something I drank all the time in the couple of weeks after Newbie's birth, 'cause, you know, I was pretty tired and stuff and, therefore, lazy. So sometimes I wanted a coffee but there was none in the house and I felt too lazy to go and buy one, or there was coffee in the house but the percolator hadn't been cleaned and I felt too lazy to clean it. Or the percolator was clean but I felt to lazy to put water and coffee in it and put it on the stove. So I invented this new thing. Lazy man's coffee. See, luckily at the time I had some Vietnamese coffee ice cream in the freezer, a delicious and super easy ice cream I made one day while feeling both lazy  and the desire for coffee ice cream (mix espresso with some cream and condensed milk freeze in ice cream machine, et voila!). Anyhow you just take some of this ice cream and mush it up in a glass of milk and you have the best, motherflipping best ice coffee you'll ever have and also the easiest! Yeah boyee. 

But it doesn't stop there. Laziness also created another of my best inventions: just add a carrot. You see sometimes dinner time comes around and I'm in the unusual position of being sans child or man and therefore only have my own desires and nutrition to think about. And in such a situation I sometimes feel like it is ok to compromise nutrition a bit. But not totally. Maybe I don't feel that hungry so I just want to eat cheese and crackers. But I think I need to include something a little nutritious. Just add a carrot! Maybe I feel a little more hungry so I want to eat cheese and toast. But I think I need to include something a little nutritious. Just add a carrot! You see carrots are delicious and a vegetable and need no prep. You can eat one at meal time and feel really pleased with yourself for being healthy without any effort! Try it you guys. Just add a carrot. 

So next time you need a thing but feel too lazy to do the thing properly just look around, maybe the lazy way will be a great way!

Another public holiday?!?!?!?!?!

Hey, thanks again JC for timing your death and resurrection so conveniently over a weekend.

Hugs!

Welsh Delights (PM)

I spent one day in Wales 20 years ago. I went with my folks and checked out a castle then Russeth and I made Dad drive through Pontypridd, Tom Jones' home town, because... well I'm sure no explanation is needed. So I guess I'm not so intimate with Wales and its delight but I know a thing or two (literally a thing, maybe two) about Wales' delights.

For example, there is a place in Wales called Snowdonia! Snowdonia! It's like something from a children's fantasy novel. I was so happy when I learned about Snowdonia. I thought, "How delightful!"

Also, as previously mentioned I have (essentially) a Welsh brother-in-law and he is pretty delightful. He is funny and a good cook and is covered in old sailor-style tattoos. Sure, a borderline (?) alcoholic but I understand that is pretty much par for the course in his home town.

And, as previously mentioned, Tom Jones!

Oh and let's not forget this guy!

Welsh Delights (AM)

There are lots of delightful things about Wales. The accent, first and foremost. It's like living in a musical which obviously I have aspired to do for a very long time.  The more I hear it the more I love it, I do. 

Oh, there's the way people say "I do" or "I am" at the end of statements. It is really delightful. It's  way of affirming what they've just said, not pleading as it might be when non-Welsh people say it.

For example, at about midday people say "I'm getting hungry, I am" then at 12:30pm they upgrade to say "I'm famished, I am" and start complaining about feeling light headed a few moments later and all disappear to eat something. Of course, they say all of this in Welsh accents. 

There's these, which might not be a Welsh thing, but it took a trip to Wales for me to discover them. 

I found a gym to join which has been truly delightful. It's not just any gym, readers. It's basically the Welsh equivalent of the Australian Institute of Sport. It's called the Sport Wales National Centre and it claims to be a place where regular punters like me can train alongside elite sportspeople. It's very exciting. So far the only elite sportspeople I've come across are a photograph of a cyclist in the foyer and some members of what appear to be a teenage gymnastics team who look like tiny stick insects on the  gym equipment. I get the feeling that maybe that's as professional as it gets at the WIS. 

I also find Welsh words pretty great. So many consonants. My favourite is 'cwtch', which means cuddle. But it's pronounced 'kutch', obviously. Apparently the Welsh word for microwave is 'popty ping' which means 'oven that goes ping' but I don't believe it because it sounds like something Kevin Costner would say in Waterworld, I mean, Dances With Wolves. 

The weather is even kind of delightful at the moment. Sunny and 13 degrees every day this week. 

So delightful. 

What happens on a weekend (AV*)

Welsh cakes in the pan

Well shit you guys, I thought I had a great weekend until I read about K's. And now it seems lame. Lucky for you guys when you read about my weekend you'll probably realise from the start it was lame. It started on Saturday morning at Pickle and Minderbinder's place. Pickle made shakshuka for brunch and Milo developed a way to wrap Baby in a blanket and spin him around and around and around on the parquetry which mean I could just sit and talk to Pickle while Newbie slept. It pretty much ruled. In the afternoon Russeth dropped by and because I had thought of little else since K first told me about Welsh cakes I handed Russeth a recipe and suggested he should make us some Welsh cakes. Which he did! On Saturday night I ate a felafel from Jimmy Grants, watched some 30 Rock I hadn't seen and put clean sheets on my bed. Then lights out at 10. I felt so god damned happy with that day. Lame.

Yesterday was not as exciting. It involved a trip to the market (not farmer's), flowers, cheese, cleaning the house and a dinner of roast potatoes, slaw and fish. Lame. But awesome. But no naps or castles or pubs. Lame. But I guess I can't spend the next six months feeling sorry for myself every time K sees a castle or I'll never get anything done.  

*Australian version

What happens on a weekend (WE*)

Yesterday, J asked me in an email what happens in a Welsh weekend. Instead of answering her, I ignored her email and decided to write this instead. Here's what happens Matey!

My first weekend in Wales I went to two farmers markets and bought a bunch of cheese, bacon, some duck, some sausages some vegetables and naturally, some Welsh Cakes.

Don't know what Welsh cakes are? Don't worry, they will get their very own post in due course. All that stuff is long gone now, consumed during the course of the week. It was a great weekend, but it belongs to history. Now, let's focus on this weekend.

On Saturday morning we awoke early in order to catch the train to nearby Chepstow. We heard they have a farmers market and also a castle so we thought what the heck, let's go go Chepstow. It's only half an hour away on the train. In Wales, that's like going to Ballarat or something.

Turns out their farmers market is just three stalls in the car park of a senior citizens centre. So going to Ballarat might have been better. Until we saw their castle. Oh my goodness their castle is the real deal. It was built 1000 years ago and is in ruin now but heck you guys, castles be impressive. If a little chilly.

After wandering around the castle for a while we went to The Boat Inn for a pint and a lunch. I got the venison burger with Stilton and Appleheart got the fish and chips, and jolly good they both were.
It was very cold and we were feeling very tired so we caught the train home and had a cup of tea, some chocolate digestive biscuits then a little nap. In the evening we were still full from lunch so we just had more tea and digestives for dinner, watched grand designs and went to bed.

Then Sunday rolled around. I woke up early because I'd basically been sleeping since  4pm the day before. It was a beautiful crisp but sunny morning. Unbelievable! The mornings are grey here you see . I went for a jog along the river Taff then felt smug for the rest of the morning. Our only plan for the day was to go to a pub called Y Mochyn Du for Sunday lunch. I love how they have Sunday lunch here even though I can't pronounce the names of the pubs where they have it. Well, I can't pronounce Y Mochyn Du. 

We ate Sunday roast, drank a pint and watched Liverpool beat Manchester City which was is something Appleheart likes to do. It was lovely, but it was cold and we were very tired, so when we got home we had a cup of tea and  some chocolate digestive biscuits. One thing led to another and before you know it, we were napping. A nap from which I have just woken up, and woken to discover an email from J asking what Welsh weekends are like. Like this! Like this.

*Welsh edit. I was going to call it 'welsh edition' but then I thought of Welsh edit would be funnier because it's something GOOP would say and she is so annoying.