The haves and the have nots

Last night was another of what I like to call KB's party nights. When he wakes up at about 11pm and wants to party and wants us to party with him. Yada yada yada I'm really tired today. 

I'm on my way to work and while I usually enjoy my choice of seating options on the #86 at this hour, for some reason this sardine can is packed. 

I feel a little hard done by. I was really looking forward to a little micronap but I can't do that standing up, can I? I'm not Phar Lap! I feel like if these people knew how little sleep I'd had then they'd agree I need the seat. If only there was a way of silently communicating to the world how difficult your personal circumstances are, so the seats can be given to the most deserving. I guess there are faces. Those things provide an indication of what's going down. Looking at the faces I have to admit that maybe I'm not the most deserving person. Though it's hard to tell what with everyone looking down at their phones. 

 

Replace those papers with phones and you've got my commute! 

I can't tell if I deserve a seat more than my brothers and sisters on the #86. But boy do I want one. 

Take a long hard look at yourself

This is a pile of fish called gaebuls and it's what you get if you decide to Google "fish that looks like a penis"

Yesterday K texted me to ask if I had any found cock pictures on my phone and I had to tell her, 'No'. I can't even remember the last time I took a found cock picture. It really depressed me. I mean, I'm just trying to get through the day, get from A to B while making sure my children are OK and when was the last time I stopped to smell the roses, or better still, appreciate something that isn't meant to look like a cock but does. Or an amusingly placed cock graffito. When was the last time I did something for me?! It's time I took a long hard look at myself, reset, prioritise and just find the beauty and hilarious cocks in the world. So, thanks, Mate, we all need a reminder sometimes to think about what's important.

A great thing

For ages I've been complaining about the fact that whoever delivers the local newspaper on our street has interpreted our "no junk mail" sign to mean we don't want it. Crazy! We totally want it! 

The other day, I noticed that Applehart had taken the sharpie with him while watering the garden and then the next day, discovered this: 

 

Appleheart does great things like this all the time.

The hell mouth

Before we had kids LB would often spend a week or two of the summer in Sydney. Sometimes working up there, sometimes just chilling with his fam l, a holiday for which I didn't want to use my annual leave. But it was good. I'd just live my life in Melbourne and watch a few seasons of Buffy. God I miss that luxury. 

During one such period I was at my uncle's place for some family gathering when my then 10-year-old cousin convinced me and Russeth and Chickpea to go across the road to a race track that had carnival rides set up at Christmas time for office parties and would give free passes to neighbouring residents to appease their response to the constant noise. By the time she dragged us along my lil' cuz had spent so much time there she bee-lined straight for her favourite ride, a sickening-looking one that had small capsules that spun around while sitting atop a circle that also spun around and was possibly in another circle spinning around. I can't remember the details but there was a fuckload of spinning and seconds after it began I just wished it would end. It seemed to last for ever, though it could only have been minutes. The whole time Russeth was sitting beside me making these kind of heaving noises which were a self soothing technique for him but really made my experience much worse. And the whole time, the minutes that felt like hours, I just kept wondering if somehow all that Buffy I'd been watching had somehow brought the hell mouth to Moonee Ponds and if that ride had sent me through that hellmouth into a hell dimension. And when I say that's what I thought I don't mean I was thinking of Buffy as a metaphor I mean I really started to wonder if a Buffy was real and I was in hell. That ride was awful and it was messing with my mind. 

I was reminded of it the other day when we went to Adventure Park and Baby went by himself on a ride that went fast around in circles and high in the air. Basically the ride pictured above. I could see his cute little face, teeth clenched, eyes shut tight. I could really feel his terror and sickness and I asked myself why hadn't I warned him properly. Why did I let him do it. When the ride finished he came off and told me he'd been terrified but by he end he'd loved it. By the end of the day he'd been on that ride ten times at least and I know that he hadn't been in the hellmouth. He loved it. 

I don't even like swinging on a park swing, I find it mildly nauseating. Being a kid is so different to being an adult. I used to love doing underwater somersaults for that sick feeling. Now I can't even bring myself to do one to see what it's like. Why is a kids fun an adults hell mouth? Life, ay?

I wonder how that came about

I had no idea the bananas were so rubbish. Lucky KB has no interest in television yet, despite our frequent attempts. People are all 'limit children's screen time' but I couldn't pay KB to watch a screen. 

I'm back from a lovely weekend in Hobart. We loaded up on cheese and oysters in quantities that could lead to overdose but they're so good down there I just want MORE. 

On the way to the airport I saw this shop next to a Caltex. 

 

I bet it's a car loving couple who run both shops, injecting their passion into everything they do. 

Summer recap

Well hunk week was a great way to start the year. I'm pretty sure we all agree on that. But it's time to move on. For now. 

Guys! How was everyone's summer? On a personal level? Obviously it's still summer but we're all back at work now, the holiday is over. How was it?

My summer was pretty idyllic I guess. The pool, the beach, my famous annual new year brunch. A night out. Basically living the dream. 

I'm not wearing pyjama pants in the street though which is disappointing. I tried on  pyjama-like pants and they were actually the spitting image of the Banana in Pyjama pants but in the end the similarity was to much.

I fucking hate the Bananas. They're such idiots and I just think they are terrible role models for our children. Protect the children, ABC! What are you trying to create a generation of bumbling fools who know nothing about the world and can't even figure out the things that are right in front of them? That continue toxic relationships with rats who do nothing but try to manipulate people. END BANANAS NOW!

Woah, sorry. I guess my summer produced some pent up anxiety or is it rage? Probably as a result for having to sacrifice a clean house for the duration of the school holidays. But seriously. On the whole summer has been a delight and I'm looking forward to enjoying the rest of it. And I still haven't given up on pyjamas as pants.

Hunk week award for best newcomer

Yesterday, Appleheart took KB to his motherland, Hobart. It was my first night without the little boy, so I did the thing I have been longing to do since July 2015: I went to the movies by myself. I saw Lion.  In retrospect, seeing a film about a lost boy adrift from home and family wasn't the wisest choice. Especially for the first half hour where we watch the little guy, tiny and alone, drifting through the streets longing for his mother. And then he gets sent to Hobart, tiny and alone, in a tshirt that says Tasmania. 

 

Suffice to say there was not a dry eye in my face. 

But the little Hobartian grew up and turned into Dev Patel, which is pretty much the reason I went to the movie. 

To answer J's question from Tuesday, yes, he's very good in it and yes, he's a bona fide hunk. And he's a rare kind of hunk: a smiley hunk. Sure he can brood, but all hunks can brood. Still can't hurt to remind ourselves: 

 

But his hunkiness grows when he smiles, and he smiles often. 

 

And it turns out he's nominated for best supporting actor at the hunky oscars! 

But I'd like to give him a Miss Soft Crab award, which I've just decided to nickname the Phwoars (without any consultation with J mind you, but I'm sure she'll be on board). So the Phwoar for best newcomer goes to Dev Patel, long may he smile and brood and get bumped up to the best actor category where he damn well belongs. Best support? Please! The man carries that film. 

Hunk Week

Remember how on Monday K was all 'Hell, we don't want to start this year off on a negative note!" And on Tuesday I was all, "Accentuate the positive!" And then yesterday K was all "I love Leonardo!" Well, fuck it I say. It's already Thursday let's just call it and say this is Hunk Week. Could there be a better or more fitting way or Crabbier start to the year.  Nah-uh.

But geez, what a question. The best hunk of all!? A hunk to rule all other hunks.

Leonardo is definitely my favourite something. But favourite what?!

Here's a man that was never even considered for Hunk of the Month. Because if I'm honest, he's missing that phwaor factor.

Or is he?! I've explored my feelings for Leo here before and I think it's safe to say I'll do it again. But not right now. I love that guy, but is he my favourite hunk?

Thinking about those past Oscar nominees actually got me thinking that if Heath were alive today and had continued to be as awesome as ever he'd probably be my favourite hunk. Certainly he is one of history's finest hunks.

But although I can probably say Michelle Williams' Oscar look here is my all-time favourite, can I say Heath is my favourite hunk ever? I mean he was hot, special. Hot. But hotter than all others?

What about Ewan? I think I love him more than any hunk ever. He's practically the backbone of Miss Soft Crab, or the exoskeleton. 

What about Damon?

Shit, he's as confused as I am! I think in their own ways their each my number one hunk. I just have a lot of categories. Like the Oscars. It's reasonable.

I guess it's like movies, books, songs. I mean so many times a song will come on the radio and I'll think, "This is THE BEST SONG!" But then if it came down to it would that really be my favourite ever song? I guess I feel the same way about hunks.  I just can't pick a favourite. But what a great problem to have. 

Will we ever move on? We will never move on!

⚠️⚠️⚠️THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS RELATED TO ELENA FERRANTE's NEOPOLITAN NOVELS! THIS IS YOUR OFFICIAL WARNING ⚠️ ⚠️⚠️

I know we should be talking about more than just hunks but there is so much to say about hunks. 　

I also know that when J went through the list of past Oscar line-ups to acknoweldge that while there have been previous hot years, none so hot as 2017, my head was spinning over all the historical hunks out there. 　

Beatty!
Brando!

Ledger!　

Newman!　

Pacino!　

Phoenix!　

I'm putting them in alphabetical order because I don't want to rank them. 　

But heck, now I am thinking about ranking, I am wondering who would be my all time favourite hunk and despite my better judgement, I think it would be Leonardo. 　

God. How did that happen? 　

It's like i'm Elena Greco and HERE IT COMES⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️SPOILER ALERT 🚨 🚨🚨🚨even though I know Nino Sarratore is going to break my heart and ruin my life I can't help but love him above all others. 　

Leonardo is my Nino Sarratore.

 

A happier new year

I agree with K. The first post of last year lamented the dud start to 2016 that saw the passing of Bowie, Rickman and my mum's cat. Arguably this January has been worse but we all know what's up, this isn't the place to dwell on it. At least not right now. There have been good things too. As K said yesterday the Best Actor Oscar nominees is very hot. It's got to be the hottest line up of all time.

To verify this I went through a list of previous nominees on Wikipedia and I'm pretty sure this is indeed the hottest year of all time. In 1967 warren Beatty,  paul Newman and Dustin Hoffman were nominated, that's a fairly attractive lineup but it's hardly comparable to the 2017 list. In 1973 Jack Nicholson, Pacino, Robert Redford and Marlon Brando were nominated but Brando was well past his prime by then. In the last 15 years there have been a few hot lineups which surprised me seeing how hunk-free the telecasts have seemed in recent years. There was the hot 2005 double up of Joaquin and Heath which was pretty special. And I was delighted to see how many times HotMC member Paul Newman had been nominated over the decades. Still this year is definitely something special. Eighty percent hunk is a whole lotta hunk.

I suggested to K that it was disappointing that Dev Patel was not nominated for Lion instead of Denzel for whatever he was nominated for. Partly because Denzel strikes me as a smug fuck.  I don't know if Dev is any good in that movie but he does have a great Australian accent, that movie is nominated for Best Picture so he must be ok in it and he looks very handsome in it. A boner bona fide hunk.

Still, as I mentioned up top let's focus on the positive. It's like Meat Loaf said, 4 out of 5 ain't bad. 



A happy new year

Miss Soft Crab is back for another year! Or i guess I should say it's back for another 11 months because we basically take January off, like schoolteachers, and they're the real heroes. 

The year is only 30 days old but already it's pulled quite a few dick moves. The Bourke Street situation and everything the new POTUS has done are obvious examples. Chickpea's leg got broke during a routine toughness exercise which was a deeply uncool way to start the year. But if we focus on the negative then 2017 is going to be one long mother. 

So let's turn our attention to the fact that not one but 

two former Miss Soft Crab Hunks of the Month have been nominated for Oscars this year, as has Andrew Garfield who has a little something hunky going on. And The Gos who also has something going on but it's hard to say what exactly. And Denzel Washigton about whom I have no feelings. But the first two are bona fide hunks which means the Oscars are going to have to try extremely hard to make this years show not hunky. I'm sure they can pull it off, mind you, but as I'm hoping they fail spectacularly. Go HoTMC hunks! 

2016 reflections. Again.

Well, here we are! The end of 2016. I can barely believe it! In the grand tradition of Miss Soft Crab round-ups K and I got together to have a little chat about things. There were things I wish I'd mentioned, like how a highlight of the year was our new once-a-day, daily post format which, I don't know about you but I am sure enjoying. And the new iOS update which has finally included a croissant and a pile of pancakes in the emojis. Anyway, here's what K and I thought of the last 51 weeks.

 ‪J: Yeah 2016! How was it for you?

 ‪K: You know, it was pretty great.

 ‪J: GREAT! What did you like about it? 
‪K: Well, personally, I liked settling in to being KB's mum. And I liked hanging out with KB and watch him become cuter and cuter. ‪I liked going back to work and therefore being able to read books again.

  ‪J: Yeah I was thinking about how at the start of this year you had a six-month-old baby and by the end of the year you have a nearly 18-month-old toddler and how different those two things are.

 ‪K: Fully different. ‪And you went from being a mother of sons to being a mother of sons AND WHOOPSIE!

 ‪I also liked how it was a year of serious things. All the deaths. Brexit. Trump. It's a year  to remember.

 ‪J: Oh yeah. Seriously what a year! I had a baby. And all that totally crazy shit happened. Basically if you had asked me what this year would hold ‪I could not have predicted any of that shit. From a new baby to the Trump presidency I'm basically still having difficulty believing any of it. 


‪K: Yeah. The shit has been pretty unbelievable. I know we still have a week or so to go, but I'm just glad QEII is still here.

 ‪J: I've been really worried about her, what with 2016 being so full of unbelievable shit. Mate, as much as I've loved QEII and her monochrome for a long time now, I feel so much closer to her after watching The Crown. Let's just hope we can escape this year without any more celebrityy deaths. 

 ‪When Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize for Literature LB and I were saying if you came into the news report half way through you would have thought he was dead too. God forbid.

  K: ‪Totally. It was really a strange year. Kind of doomy. ‪And the weather has been a bit shit. ‪But personally it's been nice, so what are you gonna do?

 J: ‪Yeah. It was a totally strange year. I was basically pregnant from the beginning until Whoopsie was born in October and I was highly emotional for that entire time. Which really added to the weirdness for me. Like I was so emotional when Leonardo FINALLY won his Oscar. But I was so emotional for that entire awards ceremony. I basically cried at every standing ovation.

K: ‪Oh man, that victory was one for the ages. Leonardo Di Goddamned Caprio. What a proper movie star he is.

J: ‪You said it!  

K: Speaking of movies, one of the things I enjoyed about this year was discovering a film review podcast called Kermode and Mayo. It's a couple of blokes mucking around telling jokes and talking about movies. I think Fassbender is going to be on it next week.


 ‪J: Oh I see. 

Well that sounds cool. I may listen to it. I've enjoyed listening to Lena Dunham's podcast this year and working through my complicated feelings about her. Recently I listened to a few podcasts about Buffy, just people talking about Buffy episodes and stuff. It was pretty enjoyable.
 ‪
K: I've been enjoying the Lena Dunham podcast too. Did you listen to that one with her dad? I really liked that one.
J: I did listen to that one and I also enjoyed it a lot. I liked her dad. Readers, go listen to that show.

 ‪K: Please do readers.


‪J: And how about TV? Obviously I loved The Crown. Also of course Stranger Things. I mean just the stuff everyone talked about already. 

 In truth this year was so intense I feel like I have nothing new to say about any of it.

 

K: ‪Yep, I liked that stuff. And I liked Hard Quiz because I love a quiz and this was a delightful spazz one. 

J: ‪I like that too. But you know who really loves that show? Baby! He loves it. HARD!  

K: Ha! ‪That's adorbs. 

J: ‪Sometimes we play it at the dinner table. And when I told him I saw Tom Gleeson at Ikea the other day he was so impressed! 


K: ‪That's super adorbs. ‪
I saw one of the couples from Gogglebox at the market the other day and that was very exciting. ‪
J: HAHAHA. Gogglebox!
‪
K: ...now we are chatting about the year and i'm thinking about how intense it was I guess I'm realising that it's set a lot in motion. But I don't want to be a downer.



J: ‪Look, if we wanted to talk seriously this year we'd be here for ever. I mean fucking TRUMP?!

Aaaaaaahhhh, that's better 

K: You said it. 2016 involved a lot of emotions, a lot of humongous events and some rubbish weather. Any hopes and dreams for 2017?

 
J: ‪Geez, what a great question. What do you base your answer on?! Well I guess I want to enjoy it. Personally I'd like to organise my time so I can write and exercise instead of just thinking about doing those things. I'm super excited to see who Whoopsie starts becoming. Obviously I love seeing Baby and Newbie grow but Whoopsie is a brand new slate, you know. And I think by the end of next year I'd like to have some professional developments. So yeah, I guess I have a bunch of hopes and dreams. How about you?
‪K: You've given me some great hope and dream ideas for 2017 just now!

 ‪I'd like to write and exercise more too. And I'd like to go overseas again before we have to start paying for a seat for KB. ‪I'd like to read more. And I would like to have a conversation with you, mate, about us starting a sing club which some people might call a choir but I'd prefer to call sing club 

J:  ‪Yeah sing club! Let's do it! And let's have more conversations! ‪
K: Yeah!


Have a great summer everyone. We'll be back in about a month. Woot!

Still life

This morning I noticed that there was a nappy in my fruit bowl. No idea how long it's been there for. 

 

Thought of the day

If I were taller would I feel more like a grown up? More of a question than a classic 'thought of the day' but that's what I'm thinking about.