Haiku Thursday (PM)

Void

What if one Thursday

The haiku just did not come?

No Haiku Thursday

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Come on guys

Single origin. 

Since when has that been a thing?

Get your hand off it. 

An(other) open letter to Gorman (PM or PS)

Personally, Gorman, I don't understand why your stuff is Kraft Singles quality at Meredith Goats Feta prices. If I am totally honest with myself, I have to admit that even though you did wrong by my girl, I still like some of your stuff and kind of want it. But  I can't bring myself to buy it when it costs so damned much. 

See, this top is cute. 

But it is on sale for $150. ON SALE for $150? For pete's sake.

And seriously, the cute stuff is few and far between. Look at this:

That dress is straight-up fugly. At $80, it's probably the cheapest thing in the store, but when you add the personal cost one would incur when they are dressed in something so fug, it's basically $500. 

So yeah, Gorman. I'm moving on and I'm not looking back. 

An(other) open letter to Gorman - one year on (AM)

Oh, hi Gorman.

Look, remember last year when I wrote you that letter? You remember the one, where I told you all about the way you stepped on my barely beating heart, denying me the clothes I wanted to buy even though it was before closing time and even though I was just a shadow of myself having sat through the last Harry Potter movie. Even though as I stood on the sidewalk wanting to be let in, I closely resembled the lump of Voldemort after the destruction of all the horcruxes.

You know, that letter? Well it is (almost) exactly one year since I wrote that letter, and I thought you may be interested to know how I've been since then. Oh, hang on, no you wouldn't. I know you wouldn't because I actually wrote you a real letter, an email, to YOU Gorman, not just on Miss Soft Crab, but an actual email sent straight to your people. Yeah I toned it down a bit, just told you of the disappointing experience and you know what I got in reply? Nothing. Fucking nothing. Almost as if you don't care about your long-term, cash-dropping customers.

You know what is really interesting about that though? I haven't dropped a cent on your wares in the last year. And you know what else, based on previous years spending that is a pretty unprecedented. Yeah Gorman, I used to drop bucket loads of cents on your clothes. And now, since that incident I cannot bring myself to spend money on you. And it is not just because the overall quality and style of your clothes have dropped so significantly (though they have). And it is not just because I find the overabundance of wares and looks off-putting (though I do). It is because I don't like you. Because you treated me badly and now I can't see past that. It's not me. It's you.

There was a jumper I tried on at the start of this winter. Warm, handsome, I wanted it. And when that jumper was on sale recently for a reasonable price I seriously thought about buying it. But when it came down to it I just couldn't. It's because I don't like you. And I don't need you.

Sorry.
J

Robert Pattinson: I don't know what to feel (PM)

Last week I could not stop reading stories about K-Stew cheating on R-Patz. Because, you know, they were all over the internet. Not because I went looking for them and kept clicking through links to see that R-Patz had moved out, that he was staying at Reese Witherspoon's ranch, to see that he finally responded to K-Stew's texts. No, I did not mean to click those links at all.

While this was happening all I could think was, "Geez, I can't believe K-Stew and R-Patz really are a couple!" And also, "OMFG K-STEW! I can't believe you cheated on R-Patz!" And also, "K-Stew looks really cute in that t-shirt and I like her baby blue nail polish a lot!" It was a real roller coaster of emotion.


Let's remember that at least my very first introduction to R-Patz was when he played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Um, Cedric Diggory, guys. Only the handsomest character to ever grace the pages of Harry Potter. A decent wizard and the first death we actually have to experience in Harry Potter. Cedric Diggory  is a turning point. And even though when that movie came out R-Patz was an actual teenager and I was an actual woman in my mid-twenties, it's fair to say I thought he was quite attractive. But then... Sparkleface ugh!

One of the few vampires in history to make vampires unattractive. And that is no easy feat.

So where does that leave us?

Cedric Diggory = hot
Sparkleface = not hot
Cheated on = sad = kinda hot (?)
Twilight Saga movies about to be over = no more Sparkleface = potential future hotness

therefore

hot + not hot + kinda hot + potential future hotness =  maybe hot = I'm still confused

= oh god why can't I stop thinking about R-PATZ?!?!?!?

Robert Pattinson: I don't know what to feel (AM)

Were you guys shocked to discover that K-Stew, MSC's inagural Babe of the Month, totally cheated on Sparkleface with some old guy?

Neither were we, what are you crazy? we are grown adults and one of us is a mother so there is no way we would waste our time giving a shit about that. 

But say we were the type to give a shit. And say, in giving a shit, we found ourselves feeling really outraged that someone would cheat on R-Patz. What do you think it would say about our true feelings about the guy? Um, you guys, do you think it means we secretly love R-Patz, but just don't know it yet because we're blinded by our hatred of Sparkleface? Speaking for myself, the level of outrage and disappointment I felt in K-Stew was a strong indication that my feelings for R-Patz are, at best, neutral. 

Yesterday, I looked at a bunch of pictures of him on the interwebs to see what response they elicited. Pictures like the one above, and this one:

...which prompted me to think the following thoughts, in no particular order. 

Sparkleface

Ugh

Cedric Diggory
Hot

Hair

English 

Je ne sais quoi

Hot

More

I feel like I know where this is headed, but just to be sure I went to see the new R-Patz film Cosmopolis last night. 

The film is a total mind-bender, which I'm sorry to say meant the lid of R-Patz interest couldn't come off completely, because I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on. But I think its safe to say the lid has been dislodged.
#ohshit

The highlights (PM)

Truth be told, readers, I was a wingman on most of those things J talked about in the AM, except instead of napping on her beanbag, I went home and napped on my couch. I agree about all those highlights, but would like to add the bit where the Dees beat the Gold Coast Suns for their third victory of the season as another highlight.

They can't believe it either!

And news just in!

Guess which favourite son of Miss Soft Crab finally beat Roger Federer to win a gold medal in the tennis?!

Atta boy, Andy Murray.

Great weekend all round readers!

The highlights (AM)

What a weekend. Or something. In fact my weekend was really quiet but by the end of it I felt exhausted. You wanna know some of the weekend's highlights? Ok, sure.

1. Friday night - Geelong vs Hawthorn. Especially the last minutes. Holy muthereffing moly you guys!!! Now, you either saw it or you didn't. And you either care or you don't. But in case you don't know Geelong ran away with the first quarter. Just were creaming the Hawks, who, over the course of the match made up ground to be ahead of Geelong in the last quarter. Hawthorn were dominating. Yada yada yada, in the last 20 seconds or so, 4 POINTS down Tom Hawkins took a mark for Geelong right in front of the goals on the 50 metre line. Yeah, you see where this is going? NAIL BITING EXCITEMENT! And he kicked the goal, after the siren for Geelong to win the match. You know, a lot of the time I don't even care much about footy but this was awesome. And by that I mean actually awesome. It was so exciting, I actually could hardly stop thinking about it all weekend. Footy! Get it up ya!

Tomahawk in amazed delight

2. I effed up some muffins. Yeah, this doesn't sound like a highlight does it. I made cinnamon, choc chip and walnut muffins and in my haste used plain flour instead of  self-raising. Dumkopf! When I made the realisation after noticing those muffins just weren't rising I was so disappointed. They smelled so good but they were just going to be crap. But that is when I realised that I could whack them in a dish with some custard to make a bread-pudding-like muffin pudding. Um, warm, custardy, chocolatey, nutty goo! Get it up ya! And add cream

3. I napped on the bean bag on Sunday. I told Chickpea and Strawberry this and they looked at me like a weirdo for sharing such a boring piece of information. But if you have ever been really tired after a bunch of wines the night before and 5 hours sleep and being woken by a child and you have to go to the pub later for a birthday party and you just want a nap and then your child curls up on you and falls asleep allowing you follow suit, well, then you will know how effing good that feels. Naps! Get 'em up ya!

4. Oh yeah, hanging with all my delightful friends was great too. I'm not saying that get it up ya thing here. Come on, guys! That would be really inappropriate.

TGIF (PM)

I will never get tired of seeing that turtle faceplant into sand! His legs! Adorable.


Talk about tired! Did I tell you guys that I have increased my working week from 2 days to 3? I am so tired. I never know what day it is and the week goes really fast. And not in that good way.

Let’s  celebrate Friday by remembering the genius of Snoop Dogg, RIP to the d-o-double-g. Bob Marley, you better treat Snoop Lion right, yo.

TGIF is right!

TGIF (AM)

Hi readers.

TGIF!

Did I tell you guys that I took a week off last week? I totally did.  I took a week off and had a sweet holiday in Melbourne. Boy oh boy those were the days.

This week was a normal one though and so yada yada yada  I'm really tired now.
So instead of banging on about stuff, I'm just going to show you guys this super cute thing and let you get on with your days. 

Bye!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Synchronised Diving

"A sport so damned nice

They get folks to do it twice."

Said no one, ever. 

 Australian Swimmers

I

It seems like the pools

Of London are filled with your

Tears. Cheer up you guys!

II

I know I'll never

Get sick of hearing your name. 

Emily Seebohm.

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Reflections on a run

 I

Running leggings on

I feel buffer already

This is a good start

II

First run a mile. 

Easy, so run another.

Then quit while ahead.

III

Feel great after that.

Feel good the next day. Till noon.

Legs are fucking sore.

Amazing Animals (PM)

That is a motherflipping worm?!?!?! WOW! Sea creatures are the best!

I always see this book about squat lobsters. Which aren't even lobsters at all! They are more closely related to the porcelain crab! Anyway this is what the cover of the book looks like:

WHOA, right?

Here is another squat lobster:

CUTE!

And here is a porcelain crab:

Shit! Who knew crustaceans were so beautiful!?

But me, I'm a jellyfish person myself. Now those are my favourite.

That's it! I'm going to the aquarium tomorrow!

Amazing Animals (AM)

Anyone who knows us knows that we are total beach babes. Hell, you don't even have to know us to know that. If you just saw us walking down the street you would think oh man, where's the surf ladies? because our whole look and feel screams beach babe.

HAHAHAHA.That is a total lie. We do not look like beach babes at all. We look like this:  

Thor Friendship is coming.

But J is in love with a beach babe and I'm pretty sure Baby is a beach babe waiting to happen. But that's beside the point.

What is the point? Oh that's right.

Yesterday, I was tinkering about in the internet and I found a picture of an underwater creature that totally blew my mind, even more than the fathead sculpin fish. 

Readers: behold the Spirobranchus giganteus, also known as the red and white Christmas tree worm.

WHAT THE EFF YOU GUYS?!?!?

Does that thing just totally blow your minds, or what?

It blows my mind so much that I just invented that whole fake beach babe introduction thing so I could get you all thinking about marine environs and then post about it, even though the introduction has nothing really to do with this worm. 

Who even know worms lived under the sea? Not me! And who even knew worms could look like that? Again, not me!

I've seen it all. 

That's all, readers. Have a lovely day.