My one track mind (AM)

This morning I was going ask you to join me on a spiritual journey of cleansing my wardrobe and my mind. But that seems pretty goddamn heavy for a Thursday morning. So instead I'm going to make a list of some great things I can recommend and that way I get to relive some magic moments and you get to think "Great idea J, I'm going to do that too!" (Then you can do the things as appropriate and enjoy them as much as I do!)

- Take a hot water bottle to bed. And then put it on your cold feet. I don't even care that it's not that cold yet, I just friggen love the extra coziness of a hotty. 

- Get the whole bed to yourself. If you have a significant other or clingy children this may be hard. But after no access to this luxury for years and the joy of it last night I can not recommend it highly enough. 

- Eat the cheese and salad hot roll at Mixed Business. I love that roll, it's got a great blend of pickle and slaw and mayo and cheese on a hot roll. I could eat it every week. I mean, I eat it every week. 

- Go to bed at 9 o'clock and read a book. I fantasise about this every day. Every day. 

I'm starting to see a pattern. God I really have a one track mind. If only I could keep my mind out of the bedroom I could probably be more productive but I just really love bed. 

Appreciate it now! (AM)

Chickpea has been doing me the excellent favour of looking after Newbie one day a week while I do some volunteer work. Yeah, I'm a pretty fucking great person.

It is really nice of her to do it, take time out her week on the regular like that. On the flip side she does get to hang out with the cutest effing 18-month-old living today, so really who is doing who the favour?

The other day she was over in the morning and I was getting ready to leave, performing my morning ablutions and what have you.  I have pretty great light in my bathroom, which is an excellent feature for a bathroom to have; it means time spent in there is pleasant and that performing grooming tasks that require good light is much easier. It also means that standing in front of the mirror in the morning you get a pretty good look at yourself. So as I left the bathroom I said to Chickpea, "God, I wish I'd appreciated my skin when I was younger." To which she yelled, "Appreciate it now!"

Of course. Of course! Lately when I look in the mirror and feel dejected at the natural aging that my skin has undergone and that is evident for all the world to see, all I think is, "Ugh, here it is. The signs of aging. And it's only going to get worse. If only I knew what I had when my skin was younger and better." What a total idiot! It's only going to get worse. Now is the time I should know what I have! Yes, I should have known then, but I also should know now! This is as good as my skin will ever look again, probably. Unless I get rich and can afford some great skin care regime. But even then, that will only help if I get rich pretty soon cause even some fancy skin care isn't going to take many years of my face. I know that.

Having an older sister is great, because they go through all the things before you and can give you excellent advice! Sure, I felt pretty stupid for not realising that I should be appreciating all the benefits of relative youth that I was lamenting not appreciating before, but mostly I just felt glad for her sage advice. And I barely even resented it when she didn't give me my change after buying vietnamese salad rolls later that day.

Still what I do with that advice, I don't really know. I guess I should just stop feeling bad about my mild wrinkles and feel happy that they're still pretty mild. Yeah, that's it. At least with age and wrinkles, wisdom comes too.

Long winded, then a request (PM)

Oh man! I wish so bad I had the time to bake scones today. I mean technically I guess I have the time but if Newbie goes to sleep and gives me some free time I have to clean the house because it's such a goddamn mess right now it's driving me mental!!!!

Great story, right, 'mother must clean house due to messiness'. I'm sorry guys. I'm really sorry. 

Mate, write a review of that apartment!  I know exactly how this goes, man. Something really annoying happens, you think "eff these guys". You think about writing the review, you don't. You regret it for longer than you should because you really wanted to eat some goddamn scones. I've been there a million times. Write that damn review! 

Also you could probably buy an oven tray for cheap. Maybe from an op shop. Or use a few layers of silver foil as a tray. Plates are usually oven-safe. 

The winter question (AM)

I know that every year around this time I write a post about how much I love autumn. How the light is so beautiful, the weather, when good is so damn good, and the clothes! All my favourite clothes were made for autumn. But this blog is 3 years old! I think you know all too well my love of autumn. So this year I'll spare you that post. Only problem is that while writing this paragraph I've gotten so side tracked thinking about all of autumn's awesome features I forgot what I really wanted to talk about. 

...

Hey I remembered! I think it's time to publicly revisit a question I pretty much ask myself every year at this time. That is, could I, should I, wear a winter hat. Oh I'm not talking about a beanie. I wear them. You gotta. I'm talking about some kind of more femme felt hat. 

Something like this: 

You know how I like to fashion myself after Woody Allen women of yesteryear. 

But is it possible for a normal woman to wear such a hat? I feel like this kind of hat could be a partial solution to the inevitable frizzy hair issues that abound during this wet months. You see I've reached a new positive position on my hair that I will tell you all about soon. I think that I need more positive ways to approach my hair in the wet season. Do these hats look glamourous? Or stupid?

Can they only exist in a fantasy winter wonderland, right next to ponchos? An item I fantasise about wearing (blankets outside? Yes please!) but know I never would. I feel like in reality the brimmed felt hat is an item for off-duty models only but maybe I'm being too narrow minded. Maybe it's time a gal like me embraced it. 

?

An open letter to J (AM)

Dear Mate, 

Everyone knows you are pretty great at being a responsible adult, and don't need anyone to tell you how to live your life. But sometimes you talk about pursing a different career, and because you are my #1 girl, I think about that too. I just want you to be happy, girl, and I've had some thoughts on the topic lately, so I thought I'd put it in a letter.

Ok mate, here's what I think.

I think you should seriously consider becoming a maths teacher.

Here's why.

You are really good at maths and you quite like it.

You've said as much many times. That's very rare, Mate.

It's the family business.

Your Dad is a maths teacher, don't you know. He has carved a nice life for himself. He has a loving family, a beautiful home and drives a Skoda. Maths teaching got him there!

You are an inspirational leader and very good at teaching people things.

I know of at least one person who never thought they would be interested in having babies until they saw you do it with Baby and realised that it was achievable. Leading by example!

You have taught me 1,000,000 things. You are the person that taught me how to pronounce quinoa!

The kids need you.

Ok, this is one of the main reasons I think you should become a maths teacher. Every time I read some report about education, they say things like: there is a shortage of maths teachers, numeracy rates are not improving amongst the little ones, Australians score lower than the OECD average for numeracy levels. Sure, we score higher than the French and the Canadians (and definitely the French Canadians), but those people have better cheese, they have better and more affordable maple syrup and the rest are French Canadian.None of them need maths skills. WE DO! 

Also, they say that a lot of people teaching maths in schools don't have any maths training or special knowledge. They're basically a bunch of shysters. Shysters shaping the malleable minds of our children!

The kids need you Mate!

It's a very family friendly profession.

You'd have holidays coming out the wazoo!

 So that's my $0.02. I hope you will seriously consider it. \

Ok, Bye.

Love from K

Adults only (PM)

Oh, I clean my pantry out all the time. I find it so frustrating when things are all piled up on top of each other and you can’t see what you have so you buy lentils every time you go to the shop and then you find you have 5 bags of lentils in the pantry. Ugh. Also, my pantry is basically all exposed so I do what I can to make it not a horrible clutter in front of my eyes.

But being an adult is not easy. You know what troubles me? How do you pay for a manicure with your nails all wet? I don’t get manicures because I find they make my nails weak, and also as if I would spend money on such a stupid indulgence and also who has the time, and also how do you pay without damaging your polish job?! But I have had manicures and I think about getting them sometimes, because who doesn’t love to spen money on a stupid indulgence now and again? But after your nails are done and they are still wet you are expected to pay, but if you put your hand in your bag for your wallet... BAM.. polish mush! Even if you had the foresight to get your wallet out of your bag first you still have to open your wallet and get a card or money out. BAM...polish mush!

Anyway, nice pantry, Mate.

An account of my second solo bike ride (AM)

I got a bike for my birthday. 

This is what it looked like in the darkness yesterday morning, when I got up early to take it for what was only my second ever solo bike ride. 

Hard to see, sure. But the main thing you need to take from this photo is that it is very beautiful. 

By way of background, I should probably mention that the fact that this was only my second solo bike ride is not because I insist on riding in a peloton. No. It's that I didn't know how to ride a bike until, well, about two weeks ago. 

But now I have some rudimentary bike riding skills. And my very own bike, a bike so lovely it makes you want to take it out every day of the week and twice on Sundays. So that's why I took her out for my second ever solo bike ride yesterday morning. 

It was a beautiful still morning, and the balloons were up.  

After a shaky start, I found some rhythm and decided I would take her all the way to the park. This meant crossing Glenlyon and Brunswick Roads. I know! I was acting crazy!

But readers, I crossed those roads, I crossed them good.  And as cars and other cyclists overtook me, I felt like they couldn't even tell that I barely have the first clue how to ride a bike. Those suckers were none the wiser! Geez it felt nice. And the feeling of the wind fanning my face and rustling whatever hair was sticking out of my  Melbourne bike share scheme $5 helmet... well. It was enough to make me pull over and take this photo of my bike because I was loving it so much. 

The other reason I stopped was because there was a 'For Lease' sign blocking my way and I really had no idea how to negotiate it. Pick up your 'For Lease' signs, Nelson Alexander! 

I crossed Lygon Street. I peddled down Canning Street.  I rode along the bike path back towards Lygon street and even had to stop at the lights where all the people on bikes have to stop at the lights!

Score!

I eventually returned home and discovered that Moreland's garbologists had been and left the bins strewn along the footpath in that way they like to do it. Lucky for me, because how pretty does my bike look alongside the yellow of their lids? 

I love you new bike. Now if only I knew what to call you.
She has a working title of 'Delilah' because she is from a place called Samson Cycles. But I don't feel good about naming her after a biblical double-crosser.
I like that she is so white. Can we find a name that relates to how beautiful and white she is?
J?
Chickpea?
Anyone else?
Please direct your suggestions to misssoftcrab@gmail.com

I'm not kidding you guys, please help me. 

By George, I thought I had it (AM)

You know on the whole, I kind of hate my hair. Every now and again I like it, and then I hate it again. Then I wash and dry it and I kind of like it again. On the bad days I fixate on getting a cut and colour, and while I do get cuts and that often helps a lot, it kind of is amazing how far a wash and blow dry will take it. And I am beginning to think that in a way this is like a metaphor for so many of my First World problems.

Recently I actually booked myself in to colour my hair, which I haven't done in many years, nowadays I go au naturel, but I just got obsessed. Anyways I was broke and nervous about starting the dye cycle so I just got my eyebrows tinted instead. I cannot recommend this highly enough. If you are anything like me you will look really pretty after it and it's about a fifth of the price of having your hair coloured.

Need new clothes? Do some washing! You wouldn't believe how often that alleviates my wardrobe woes! If that is not enough see if your mum has any clothes from the eighties that are cool again!

Check out this jumper I scored on the weekend:

SCORE!

This is pretty much my fall back plan whenever I want new stuff but don't want to buy anything. And I was pretty sure that my Mum's old shoe collection would yield some shoes for me to wear to Blizzie's wedding on the weekend. And it did.

This would be the perfect shoe to wear to the with my dress:

And this, although it looks boring, is actually a very comfortable and surprisingly fitting alternative:

Sweet.

Except for some reason only these shoes can be found. That is only that single purple shoe and that single brown shoe seem to exist. Their buddies are missing. On the up side that purple shoe is a lefty and the brown one is a righty so they do make a pair. On the  down side I'm not going to wear odd shoes to a wedding.* I don't want to look like a fucken' idiot.


*In fact it is highly unlikely I would wear odd shoes anywhere ever. This is not a weddings-only rule.

Advice Please (PM)

Um, what the hell, Australia Post? 
J is trying to reach out to a sister and you are not helping. You are hindering. All you have to do is deliver a bunch of packages from Amazon, some bills and a few cards. That's all the mail is for these days! And if we've sent a card, it's because something really awesome has happened, or something really sad.
Or you are my mother, in which case you send cards all the time. Like this one, which she sent me on Valentines Day:

It's not a secret if you sign your name, Mum.

If you ask me, Australia Post is the one that should be asking for advice. Advice on how to do their damn jobs!

Of course, there is a chance Russeth gave you the wrong address, in which case, sorry Australia Post! Thanks for delivering all those packages to me! Please keep up the good work.

I think Russeth needs to come to the party and tell you Friendy's address for real this time. No kidding around Russeth, just tell us. J is trying to reach out for pete's sake!

Advice please (AM)

So, despite trying to start an advice column we have had very few requests for help. I know, can you believe it!?! Sure Miss Dizzy wanted some help and this guy MC, who may or may not be Miss Dizzy's boyfriend, asked a question too. And I swear, as soon as I stop laughing about cock oven, I will address that question. But the rest of you seem to be doing ok without us. Fine then, I'll just keep asking K for advice.

A few weeks ago I sent a condolence card to a friend. Now, this person is Russeth's good friend, but I felt that I wanted to express my condolences and, after K told me I should send a card, I thought it would be nice if I sent a card. 

So Russeth gave me her address and I sent a nice card, wrote a caring yet light message and felt really proud of myself (for having a friend like K to tell me what to do in these situations). Then I just hoped this friend was not feeling too bad.

Jump to a few weeks later (yesterday) and that same card was returned to sender! (Me.) Now either she hates me or Russeth gave me the wrong address (thanks a lot, Russeth!). And now I don't know what to do! Is it too late to resend it? Too weird to tell her about it? What's the right thing to do now??? I just want her to know I've been thinking of her.

Advice Please (PM)

You should listen to J, Miss Dizzy, lady knows what she's talking about.
In fact, I feel like there is very little I can add.
Just make something delicious and Mr Dizzy will for sure go bananas for it.
And don't over think it.
And when you are seriously agonising over what to cook, cook eggs.
And when you are concerned that something might be too heavy or too stodgy, its probably not too heavy or too stodgy for a dude. I say this because Rib-Eye used to really go in for gnocchi bolognese, which I never understood because it just seemed like too much intensity, but he really dug it.
So that's my $0.02!

Bon apetit!

Advice please (AM)

So, every now and again here at Miss Soft Crab we talk about having an advice column. Mostly we talk about it in the real world, to each other, not the cyber world to you guys. One time a reader asked for some (sorry Mondonna, I promise I will address the boiled fish question one day) and once I brought it up here, asking K for advice. But no-one else has ever taken the bait. What?! Your lives are so perfect?!

And then, over the break a question finally came! 

So Miss Dizzy asks:

Dear Misses Soft Crabs, I know you are on recess but here is someone desperate. I heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Tell me quickly what can I feed my boyfriend. And please, none of that oyster rubbish. Waiting with anticipation, yours Dizzy

A little something called tandoori prawns with mango salsa and cocnut rice. A winner every time!

Miss Dizzy, I am so sorry we did not get back to you sooner. I hope your boyfriend hasn’t left you just because we were a bit delayed in responding to your comment. But when I saw this question I really thought that it needed my full attention, not my hiatus-brain attention. Because, gosh, great question, but what do you base your answer on?

I mean, this question is pretty fraught. K’s ex-boyfriend, for example, liked to eat cereal for dinner. Sometimes bangers and mash. K, as she may later chime in, liked to eat delicious things that Rib-Eye was not interested in. No wonder things didn't work out.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is pretty much delighted when I make anything delicious for dinner. On Sunday in fact I made toasties for dinner (Turkish bread, tasty cheese, cherry tomatoes and some pickled chillies) and he was all, “Yum! We should do this more often.”

And yet some days I make some mind blower and he is all, “Yeah, it’s not bad.” WTF?

I'll tell you what wins every time. Protein. LB likes the meat kind. Red meat, chicken, fish. Now as a vegetarian I don't cook these things often, except for occassionally a bit of seafood. Sometimes I just cook all the accompaniments and tell him what meat I think would be good with it and he cooks the meant and I still get all the kudos. It's awesome.

So I guess what I am sayin is, what does your boyfriend like Miss Dizzy? Find out then cook that thing the most deliciousest way you can. And BAM lasting love.

Good luck.

Porcine style

Um, mate, you totally dress like Olivia the Pig.
But this is absolutely not a grooming problem, it is a grooming solution. Olivia looks great in all those outfits you showed and mate, so do you. I mean, you must have had that stripey top from Genki for years, but it is such a top shelf look that it still has a place in your wardrobe. Ditto all the other things. You guys are just two stylish ladies enjoying some classic looks. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I dress a little like Olivia, but not enough for my liking. I dream of the kind of simplicity of her outfits. I wear dresses whenever I can because I don't like having to wear a top AND a bottom. It's so fussy. The fact that Olivia doesn't have to wear pants is a big win for her.
The Olivia inspired outfit I wear the most is this one:

 
Any given morning you could find me in a version of this outfit, just wearing my stockings, rocking around Chez K, getting things done before I have to put a dress on and go to work. I find it very comfortable and I'm actually dreading summer a little, because I really like wearing opaque stockings.
Anyway mate, to answer your question, you totally dress like Olivia and it's one (just one!) of the reasons that you always look so awesome.

Advice please

Readers, for a little while Miss Soft Crab has been thinking about starting an advice segment, because obviously we have a lot of excellent advice for people. Then one of our faithful and beloved readers suggested the same thing! So you know what?! Here it is. Of course usually K and I will both be giving advice, but today, to start things off I am just going to ask K for some advice re: grooming. But if YOU want some advice from Miss Soft Crab you can leave a comment, email us at misssoftcrab@gmail.com or leave a comment on our Facebook page

So mate, can you please help me out. Do you think that one of my grooming problems may be that I dress like Olivia the ~4-year-old pig? Here is a selection from Olivia's wardrobe and my wardrobe.









What do you think?