Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Pour Cloud (PM)

Well Mate, I love this Pour Cloud concept. I think it's very sweet, and I'm glad you invented it. I think we should try to make it happen. I, for one, intend to use it next time AB complains that the tide is out on her glass of wine when we go out to dinner. No AB, I will say, they are just making room for the Pour Cloud. Her mind will be blown.
Now if only I could stop picturing this whenever I read the words Pour Cloud:
While your brain's misinterpretations lead to invention, mine just make me feel empathy for clouds.   Geez, brain. Nut up, why don't you.

The Pour Cloud (AM)


The other day there was a cask of wine in my kitchen. And I was moving it or something when, on the side of the box, I noticed a picture of a glass of wine and some text in the empty bit of the wine glass that said 'Your pour cloud is bigger than you think'.

I'd never heard the expression 'pour cloud', but I liked it. I imagined that the pour cloud is the space left in a glass of wine when you have poured the correct amount, and that for all different glasses the pour cloud is, of course, different.



Of course a smaller glass means that for one standard drink your pour cloud would be smaller than in a larger balloony glass, even though you have the same amount of drink.
I loved this pour cloud. And what an interesting way to make people think about their alcohol consumption, a whole other way to think about pouring standard drinks. Negative space!

How could I find out more about the pour cloud?! Like, how much space, or cloud, should be left in a glass? How do you figure it out? And this phrase, 'pour cloud', had it been around a long time? Was it a phrase that wine people used? I mean, it makes perfect sense, but when, why, how did it come into being?!

God, I had so many questions!

Did I mention that the cask might have been upside down when I read that text? That I was distracted? Should I tell you that after pondering this lovely cloud I reread the text and saw that it said 'Your pour could be bigger than you think'.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Nature vs. Nurture (PM)

You know mate, I didn’t have that good a weekend and getting up for work this morning was no picnic. At least the cool change had come. But the weirdness of the weather just made it hard to chose an outfit. (People, you do not want to know what I am wearing right now.)

Then I started reading your post about gardening. Oh L I thought. I wish I was a good gardener. But I suck at it. I cannot grow a thing. (Although that tomato plant and basil you gave me a few weeks ago seem to be doing ok.) ‘Sucks to be me’, I thought.

And then I saw the penis plant. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Way to make my day better!

Nature vs. Nurture (AM)

This post was going to be about gardening - how much I love growing things and how much I love my little collection of plants, especially my current favourite, the Maidenhair Fern, which looked like it wanted to die a few weeks ago, but is now looking really good:
I spent a lot of time in the garden this weekend you see, and so gardens and plants are really on my mind. I think garden love is going to make a great post some day, but today is not that day, and this is not that post. Something happened yesterday that I think is ultimately more enjoyable than the garden post would have been, so I think you guys should really hear about that instead.  This post is related to the garden, but really it is a chance to indulge in a little lowbrow humour, which frankly is probably he reason you are all here, right?

Ok, first a little background. I went to visit Midbro, Mrs Midbro and Niecey yesterday. Poor Mrs. Midbro. She's a million weeks pregnant and it seems that summer and extreme pregnancy do not mix. From what I could gather, summer pregnancy looks less like this:
And more like this:













Lady is in no mood to do anything at all. Even breathing seemed like a total drag. But Mrs Midbro is a total trooper and never complains about anything.
Nevertheless, Mum and I thought we would do her a solid by taking Niecey off her hands for a while.  We decided to hang out in Mum and Dad's garden where it was nice and cool.























What a wholesome and delightful a scene it was - my adorable little niece frolicking amongst the flowers while my sweet old Mum picked fresh daisies for me to take home.
This is the life, I was thinking. We're all so down to earth, tending the garden and walking around barefoot. So salt of the earth. I also thought. High five to us!
Then my Mum started giggling and said "Have a look at this!!". I scampered down to see what she was pointing at assuming it was something charming and natural, befitting the scene. It wasn't, guys. It wasn't. It was this:
Mum told me that they call it the  Penis Plant. Well, obviously. How could they not, right? It was not what I was expecting, but gee whiz, it is pretty hilarious. Sorry to lower the tone so early in the week, guys, but can you believe this thing? Apparently it just grew like that.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Haiku Thursday Goes Rogue (PM)



Foggy Doggy, redux
History books, take note:
J's right, Doggy is the best
Fact, not opinion.

PS
Speaking of best things
Phwoar, Rafael Nadal. Phwoar!
Am I right, ladies?

Haiku Thursday Goes Rogue (AM)

I know that Haiku Thursday happens on Thursdays, but this thing is out of control. Because yesterday was a public holiday Haiku Thursday insisted on appearing today! This thing is bigger than all of us.



Foggy Doggy
No disrespecting
The other dogs of the world
But my guy's the best

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Advice Please (PM)

You should listen to J, Miss Dizzy, lady knows what she's talking about.
In fact, I feel like there is very little I can add.
Just make something delicious and Mr Dizzy will for sure go bananas for it.
And don't over think it.
And when you are seriously agonising over what to cook, cook eggs.
And when you are concerned that something might be too heavy or too stodgy, its probably not too heavy or too stodgy for a dude. I say this because Rib-Eye used to really go in for gnocchi bolognese, which I never understood because it just seemed like too much intensity, but he really dug it.
So that's my $0.02!

Bon apetit!

Advice please (AM)


So, every now and again here at Miss Soft Crab we talk about having an advice column. Mostly we talk about it in the real world, to each other, not the cyber world to you guys. One time a reader asked for some (sorry Mondonna, I promise I will address the boiled fish question one day) and once I brought it up here, asking K for advice. But no-one else has ever taken the bait. What?! Your lives are so perfect?!


So Miss Dizzy asks:
Dear Misses Soft Crabs, I know you are on recess but here is someone desperate. I heard that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Tell me quickly what can I feed my boyfriend. And please, none of that oyster rubbish. Waiting with anticipation, yours Dizzy

A little something called tandoori prawns with mango salsa and cocnut rice. A winner every time!

Miss Dizzy, I am so sorry we did not get back to you sooner. I hope your boyfriend hasn’t left you just because we were a bit delayed in responding to your comment. But when I saw this question I really thought that it needed my full attention, not my hiatus-brain attention. Because, gosh, great question, but what do you base your answer on?

I mean, this question is pretty fraught. K’s ex-boyfriend, for example, liked to eat cereal for dinner. Sometimes bangers and mash. K, as she may later chime in, liked to eat delicious things that Rib-Eye was not interested in. No wonder things didn't work out.

My boyfriend, on the other hand, is pretty much delighted when I make anything delicious for dinner. On Sunday in fact I made toasties for dinner (Turkish bread, tasty cheese, cherry tomatoes and some pickled chillies) and he was all, “Yum! We should do this more often.”

And yet some days I make some mind blower and he is all, “Yeah, it’s not bad.” WTF?

I'll tell you what wins every time. Protein. LB likes the meat kind. Red meat, chicken, fish. Now as a vegetarian I don't cook these things often, except for occassionally a bit of seafood. Sometimes I just cook all the accompaniments and tell him what meat I think would be good with it and he cooks the meant and I still get all the kudos. It's awesome.

So I guess what I am sayin is, what does your boyfriend like Miss Dizzy? Find out then cook that thing the most deliciousest way you can. And BAM lasting love.

Good luck.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Reasons I will miss our French intern (PM)

God I wish I had a French intern at my work. I am telling you we have nothing of the sort. Nothing! Except for the old Spanish speaking man that cleans the office. He's pretty nice, I guess.

But hold on one goddamn minute! Why have I never heard about this Far before?! A custardy little cake Le Flav used to bake? Why would you tell me about the donkey sausage native to his region and not the cake?!?!?!

I met him once, readers. And he was everything you imagine a French intern to be. Handsome. Adorable. French. A little confused and a little confusing.

God, we should all be so lucky as to have one in our office!

The question raised by your tribute though, mate, is why Frenchies have such a reputation for style? Certainly when I met Le Flav he seemed like a very stylish youg man, but those shirts for his mother? Perhaps I am missing something?

Oh, Frenchies, why are you so adorable and French?! Perhaps we will never know.

Reasons I will miss our French Intern

For the last six months, we have had a French intern, Le Flav, working with us. Not here at Miss Soft Crab. OMG. If that was that case, you guys would fo shiz know about it by now. No, of course I mean we've had a French intern working with us at my day job.  I've been dying to tell you guys about him, but I was worried it would be super unprofessional or something. I guess I'm still not really sure how to strike that work/blog balance. Anyway, I wanted to write about him so badly because pretty much every day he would do or say something super adorable and the whole time he was doing this adorable stuff, he was also being French. I know! So much to blog about.
 
Sadly, his internship came to an end last week. Happily, the fact that he no longer works with us means it is open season on talking about how awesome it is to have a French intern. But right now, given that he's only just gone, I'm feeling all reflective, and all I want to talk about is how much we will miss him. There are tonnes of reasons. Personally, I will miss shit out of the cakes he used to bake, including a classic of his native Brittany, called Far which is a delicious custardy little number.  I will miss the way he would embody the stereotype of French people, by complaining about how unattractive British people are, and how the cheese in this country is no good.  The way he would indulge me whenever I wanted to "speak" French. He would only laugh a little bit when I effed up the pronunciation, which was every time. So gracious. That's something I will miss.

But without doubt, the thing that I will miss most of all is the hilarious emails he used to send.
Hilarious, because he is really funny. Also, because of the whole lost in translation when speaking in a foreign language thing. Also hilarious because I think he thinks I am about 45.

Check this one out, from a few months ago.

Le Flav wrote:

I need your assistance to make a difficult choice...

On Friday, it is my mum's birthday. And, as a model child, I want to buy a present online to send it to her. I think I'm gonna buy a shirt. I have selected some shirts on a website but now I don't know which one I have to choose. That's why I need the assistance of a good-testing woman : YOU. Just imagine : you're my mum. Of course, you're a little older than you currently are, around 50. The question is: what would like to get as a present from your 21yo beloved son?

Then I have another question, more technical. You are my mum. You are a little shorter than you currently are. What is the size that would fit you? 36? (I really have no idea about what it represents).

Note the phrase "a little older than you currently are...about 50". Geez! Note also that I recommended option 1. I never did ask him which one he went for in the end. I'm sure she loved it.

Here's another hilarious email I received just the other day, which refers to another work colleague, also called K.

Le Flav writes:
Hahaha, I'm really stupid...

We just received an email  inviting us for a lunch before K  goes on maternity leave. For a moment, I have thought about you: WTF!!!

Stupid brain that considers you're are the only K ... How could I think about you being pregnant...
Um, because I'm not post menopausal, Le Flav.

Here's the last email he sent, which he sent to the whole team to say goodbye.  I think I like this one most of all....

Hi all!
Thanks again for everything,
Thanks for the gift, for the card. I have read all your nice messages. I promise you I have been really touched.
Working with you was both great and worthwhile. Thanks for your patience, thanks for allowing me to improve my English, thanks for making my ears more comfortable with your dodgy Australian accent!

See you then,
 
Isn't he adorable?
Sigh.
 
Bye Le Flav. Miss Soft Crab misses you already. 
 
 

Monday, January 23, 2012

2012 begins in earnest

Happy 2012, Crab fans!

We really missed you guys. Have you all had a super summer?  We sure hope so.

Now, we're super excited about sharing a whole new year's worth of crabby moments with you, but first, lets talk about 2012: the year that has been for 23 days now. A lot of stuff can happen in 23 days, and you know we like to keep on top of things. So let's begin by reviewing what's been going down, just so we're all on the same page. Here we go guys, Miss Soft Crab, Season 2.



J: So mate, I want to start by saying I am really feeling refreshed after the break. For sure by the end of last year I needed a break. I mean you think you can produce all of this *waggles finger provocatively over blog* without out a little wear and tear? Uh uh.

Anyway I am pumped and inspired and I have the flowing juices #maystillbeonirahigh

So, how was your break and how are you feeling?

K: Breaks rule OK. Fact!
Truth be told though, I spent heaps of my MSC hiatus at work. What a downer that has been.

J: Yeah, if only Miss Soft Crab was our real work then we would have had super long and super awesome breaks. Stupid real jobs (don't hate me universe, I love employment please don't take it away from me).

But you did have a bit of a holiday from work and that was great right? And it is summer, the time if awesome times!


K: Good call on clarifying things with the universe, sometimes I really worry that it's going to get the wrong end of the stick. So let me now say to you universe: I find work a downer because its summertime and I like to have fun in the sun (subject to appropriate sun safety precautions...I'm very pale as you well know), but that doesn't mean that I'm not very grateful for this job because I totally am. I just really like the sun too. I mean come on universe, the sun is at the centre of you, surely you get it.

Anyway, work talk aside, I have had a top shelf break. I've eaten well. I've frolicked in the beach. I've frolicked in the pool where the pigeon in the grain waves incident happened. I saw Ira Glass in the flesh. Boy were my dreams sweet that night. 

J: Did you dream about Ira that night? I didn't. But I thought about him. A lot.

I frolicked at the beach too. In fact a summer highlight was wearing lipstick to the beach and even though I couldn't see what I looked like, in my head I looked awesome swimming in my beloved new bathers and bright red lipstick.

K: Ok, ok, I didn't dream about Ira. But my thoughts were pretty much were/are only of him. Take right now for example: it's all Ira up in my head. All Ira, all the time. God, what a peach he is.

Another one of my favourite things about the break was the Japanese themed progressive dinner I semi-hosted. There were your traditional items like gyoza, and miso soup, then  there were the special items like deconstructed nachos on rice and red bean crumble with green tea cream.

The upshot of that night is that deconstructed nachos on rice are as delicious as real nachos, but for me, green tea cream is not as delicious as green tea, or cream. 

J: So by deconstructed nachos on rice do you mean nacho topping on rice? Were corn chips involved? LB and I eat beans and rice (+lettuce+cheese+sour cream) sometimes. Had it just the other night. It is a winner every goddamn time. It was one of the first things that guy made for me.

Yum. HANG ON! That is not Japanese!

Whatevs.

So another thing that was awesome and happened on my break was that I wore an outfit that totally brought into reality everything I fantasised my look for summer would be. Cool and cute and awesome!

Remember how every season Pickle would say to us "what are your key looks for <insert season here>?" And you know sometimes I have a vision and I have outfits that approximate that vision but then one Friday night in December I executed a look more accurately than I ever have before. It involved grey shorts and a white top and you guys, now that I have known what it is to look and feel this good everything I have worn since has left me dissatisfied. It's dangerous to fly too close to the sun.

K: It sure is mate. 

I remember that night, it was Miguel's birthday. You looked really great. I also had a nice time with what I was wearing on account of the fact that AWOL turned up wearing the same t-shirt as me and I really enjoy that kind of thing.

Hey, how good was the weather for that week where the weather was really good? 

J: Yeah, that was awesome. Weather is pretty nice right now in fact too. Summer is sweet when it gets it right. And in a way I didn't even mind those few cold days. Mainly because I enjoy getting to wear alternative season clothes sometimes to mix it up, you know. 

K: Oh sure. I can dig on that. But I also like to drink beer in the sun in a t-shirt on a Monday night. Which is what I plan to do tonight. Because fundamentally, I am a lazy girl, and summer is the season where you really don't have to work hard to have a good time. #thefairestoftheseasons

J: You said it. I love how summer means you can drink beer all the time and not feel like you shouldn't be (you know as long as you drink responsibly). My break did not involve much beer drinking, weirdly enough, but perhaps I will make that more of a focus for the rest of summer (you know responsibly). That is the other great thing about summer, it keeps on going well past your designated holiday time, which makes you kind of feel like you are still on holiday!

Now let 2012 begin!


Thursday, January 12, 2012

Haiku Thursday - Haitus still continues

The ex
Every hair cut
Makes me wonder why I stayed
With him so damn long

Hey we are still on haitus till January 23rd. Just over one week and we will back so some hot new content!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Haiku Thursday - Hiatus continues


Things I did on my summer holidays

I
Watch a pigeon get
Stuck in a pack of grain waves
So hilarious

II
Wonder if I can
Pull off blonde hair. Kirsten Dunst
Seems to do it well.

III
Want to take summer
Behind the middle school and
get it pregnant. Right? 

Miss Soft Crab is still on hiatus until January 23rd. But don't worry, there are 344 posts here that you can read if you need to get your Crab on.