Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Things I don't like in a dude (AM)

I don't want to sound creepy or anything, but when I am on the tram, I spend a lot of time looking at dudes. I can't help it. The dudes are everywhere - all up in my business. Sometimes the dudes are adorable and I kind of fall in love with them. This is likely to happen if the dude is tall, if he is wearing a jumper, if he is a smiley type and if he is quite fair, but pulls up just short of being pasty. I also like the ones that are not fair, but are dark and vaguely swarthy and look a little bit like Jesus. I also like the ones with a touch of red. It's not a science, I just like what I like.
Anyway, with the good, also comes the bad. I mean, this is public transport people. There is no quality control. So while there are lots of dudes that I fall in love with, there are also lots of dudes that I most definitely do not fall in love with. Do you want to know why? Of course you do, why else are you here, readers?!

Before I tell you, I should acknowlege that the following list applies to dudes I see on the tram and never speak to, so by its nature it contains some very superficial things. These dudes who I judge so harshly may be wonderful, lovely people. I hope they are! But gee, you've got to pass judegement somehow, because there are a lot of dudes on the tram and one can't fall in love with all of them if one wants to be a functional member of the community. So, without further ado, please enjoy my top three things that I dislike in dudes I see on the tram.

Long nails. You think I'm creepy for looking at dudes all tram ride? Forget about it, dudes with long nails are the real creeps. Dudes, you are not Gary Oldman in Dracula, and the jury is still out on whether even he could pull it off. Nails that have a lot of the white bit and that extend beyond the fleshy finger pads do not belong on the hands of a dude. I see them, and I get a shiver, like I have just heard the sound of those very nails scraping down a blackboard. Cut your nails dudes!

Short nails. Dudes! Stop chewing your god damn nails all the way down to the nub. They look so vulnerable and like all your finger tips have been amputated leaving behind little fleshy stumps. Eww! Dudes, as a clumsy person, take it from me: evolution gave us all a really big break when it gave us nails. Enjoy it!

Please note that because it is such a gross thing, I am not including a photo of it here. You're welcome, readers.

Failing to cover one's mouth when yawning. Oh baby. I HATE it when people fail to cover their mouths when yawning. We are not lions and we are not on a savannah. If we were, I would welcome yawning because who doesn't love a sleepy lion? Nobody doesn't love a sleepy lion. But the yawns of a fully grown human are much much less endearing. When humans yawn, it's all distorted faces and hyper-extension of the mouth. Gross! I get that you are tired. Heck, we're all tired. But dudes, we are not animals.  Cover it up!

That's all for now. 

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