My phoney life (AM)

Because J has been posting photos of her holiday on the face space, I thought I would turn to my phone and see what story its recent photos tell.

It's a fairly predicable one...full of stuff to eat and see and think about. But some of it is noteworthy.

Like this truly explosive snake art on the bonnet of a Holden Barina that is sometimes parked on my street.

Really makes you think.

Then there's this.

Some delicious quail, wrapped in proscuitto I ate at Bar Idda recently.

That's Russeth making a lewd hand gesture in the background. I'm not sure whether that hand gesture is  an established thing, but I get where he was going with it.

Here's a drink I had at some fancy curry place in Northcote the other day.

It's called Birch Beer. The dude who sold it to me told me that it's made with some part of the birch tree and brewed in waters of a stream that runs off Niagara Falls. His spiel had me rolling my eyes very very heavily, but because of my FOMODT I ordered it. It tasted exactly and I mean EXACTLY like Deep Heat. And it wasn't even alcoholic. But I drank it all.

There's this picture.

Spinal what? Injury? Tap? Inquiring minds need to know more.

Here's a picture from Cape Bridgewater, down near Portland.

It's of windmills and ocean and Appleheart, a fine gentleman I'm knocking around with. After this, we saw a bunch of fur seals, kangaroos and a petrified forest, and then I ate a fig. It was an excellent day.

Finally, here's a picture of Midbro and Little nut doing a Britney Spears.

It's OK, the car was stationary.

Now let's see what J's got for us!

That guy should work more: Adam Goldberg

I know that history is written and there is no point speculating about how things may have been. And yet… I would bet this: If K and I did not see Dazed and Confused 5000 times and be dazzled by Adam Goldberg declaring, “I wanna dance!” the phrase “That guy should work more” would not be one of our catch phrases. Yeah, we have catch phrases. And this is in the top 5 most frequently declared. And it is largely thanks to Adam Goldberg. Right mate? Am I right?


K: You are so goddamned right.

The history books will show that we have seen Dazed and Confused 5000 times (did you guys know that Ben Affleck and his old teeth are in that movie? True fact) and we were dazzled by Adam Goldberg saying "I wanna dance!" and now we say "that guy should work more" all the time.

Because plainly and simply, some people should work more. Adam Goldberg, he is one of them.

You know he is one of them because whenever he turns up in things you think "Goldberg! Why aren't you in stuff all the time?! You're great!" 

J: That is exactly what I think every damn time I see Adam Goldberg! Every time I watch Dazed and Confused, I think it. When I saw The Hebrew Hammer , I thought it. When I saw 2 Days in Paris, I thought it! Seriously! Why doesn't that guy work more?! In fact if you look at his IMDb page you will see the guy works plenty, he doesn't need us on his side, but I wish I saw him in more stuff.

Did you know that The Hebrew Hammer is one of the reasons that I seriously wanted to put Mordechai on our baby names list. Needless to say LB put the kybosh on that pretty quick.

K: I really like the name Mordechai. Mordy. Imagine if Baby was called Mordy! Cute.

Anyway, I just looked at IMDb and sheesh, that Adam Goldberg never stops working. But I think he is in the wrong things.

He should be in more things like The Hebrew Hammer and 2 days in Paris. I wonder if he was in  2 Days in New York. I heard it was really shit so I didn't bother with it. Plus, Adam Goldberg wasn't in it!

J:  It's true, Adam Goldberg gets a lot of work, but the point is that he should work more in stuff we want to watch. You'd think the Hollywood big wigs would be falling over themselves to get a quite hot, certainly charismatic Jew in stuff! 

Adam Goldberg, you should work more!

A farewell to Haiku Thursday (PM)

Hey Haiku Thursday
We've had some real good times
Laughed cried fell in love

Loved you so damn much
I turned you into a book
It was real, G

When you turned to God...
And went to the races, yo...
So funny, like gold

But gold's not funny
And you know what they do say
Nothing gold can stay

A farewell to haiku Thursday (AM)

I

We had an idea.

That Thursday could be a day. 

Of few syllables.

II

A day of rhythm.

Five seven five. Just because

Rhythm's a dancer 

III

But what if the what

That must be said on a Thurs

Needs more than just this?

IV

It's then we must sing 

One final song of love and praise

To haiku Thursday. 

One track mind (PM)

I have been doing queensland all wrong...
I want one with coconut on top!

One track mind (AM)

There was a time in my life (a time when I worked a 40-hour week in a boring job) when I thought about little else than what I was going to have for dinner that night. By 11am I would have already decided on lunch and was contemplating, probably settling on dinner. I guess you could say that I still think about food a lot, and eat a lot, and cook a lot. But I guess things have changed.

You see readers, in our late-hiatus Miss Soft Crab meeting, a really productive meeting held over butter slathered roti and Asahi, K and I decided that we would dedicate a day to food every week here. We'd talk about stuff we'd cooked, stuff we'd eaten, stuff we'd thought about cooking or eating. You know food. But shit you guys, I've been busy. I know it was only two days ago that I told you all what a relaxing break I've had. But things have changed guys, I went back to work, then I had to plan a holiday that includes going to a wedding. These are difficult and time consuming things. And right now, right now while you are reading this, well I'm in Queensland. I'm on that holiday! And there is only one thing I can think about eating.

I had actually forgotten about this until LB mentioned it the other day, but in Queensland and northern NSW you can go to fruit farms or road stops and buy chocolate-covered frozen bananas. And since LB mentioned this I have thought of little else.

We only got here last night, and so I haven't eaten one yet, but as soon as we get in the car to head south I'm stopping at the first chocolate banana stand I see.

Maybe we'll hit Wet 'N' Wild first, or a beach, see some beautiful countryside. I don't know yet. But what I do know is that I better have a banana in my hand come the end of the day.

Are they even that good? I don't know. Maybe I just like them because they speak of the tropical north and early holidays LB and I took. I don't know, I don't care, I just want me a banana!

Things that I made (PM)

Mate. That is an adorable apron. You have great sewing skills mate. I wish I had the patience, discipline and skills to sew. I have none of those things. But you do, mate. Kudos my hero. Might I also add that those are some lovely photos in your post. Am I delirious or are you just rocking the shiz right now?

Me, I'm rocking nothing. I have made nothing good lately. Except some delicious curries over the last couple of nights. Like, really good ones. I think it was the sugar I added.

I also made a good decision to watch The Mindy Project last night.

And another great decision to do the dishes before I went to bed!

Hey! I guess I've been pretty productive lately to!

Things that I made (AM)

So I made some nice things over the last couple of days. 

Want to see them?

OK, OK, fine. I'll show you guys. 

And thanks for saying yes. Imagine if you didn't care. Awkward. 

First, I made  an apron as a housewarming gift for Hushaz. 

I followed this pattern and basically did everything they told me to do. At my house,  making a apron  looks like this:

And ultimately this:

Not bad, huh? The genius of it is that it is adjustable, so it will fit a woman of average height like your author, as well as a woman blessed with the gift of height, like Hushaz. I feel like she's going to do some great cooking in that thing. 

Next, I made some birthday cupcakes for Scampy. It's Scampy's birthday today. Happy birthday Scampy! We're all going to the pub tonight,  so obviously someone had to make cake. 

I used this basic buttercake recipe, which I wanted to be excellent and moist and not dry like buttercake often is. 

The making of the cake looked a little something like this:

They puffed up real nice, huh?

I decided to ice them with this chocolate coconut icing because I wanted them to taste like coconut rough. 

So now they look like this:

I sampled one and I have to say, I'm not convinced. But it's possible that's because my taste buds are a little shot out after eating too much batter. I'm having another one for morning tea, so I'll know more then. 

2013: The year of the Crab

OMG you guys! It is so good to be back! We missed you. I hope you all had a great summer. Wanna hear about K's and mine? OK!

J: Mate! How the hell are you? How was your summer?

K: Mate, I am pretty great because summer was everything I hoped it would be and maybe a little more. 

How was yours?

J: Wow! WOW! That is great. My summer has been going pretty good. Better than I hoped? I don't know. Real good though!

K: Well that's a start. I think the reason mine has been so great is because I had a proper break from work, I did a bunch of things with a bunch of people and also had a nice rest. And I went away for a couple of nights.  And the weather has been rad.

J: Yeah, I have loved the way there have been some hot days but not millions in a row. It has mostly been consistently warmish but not boiling. I've had the chance to swim, walk around in shorts on balmy nights, dine al fresco. All the best summer things!

K: Yeah, I swam a bunch of times too, just like I planned to. It was lovely. But then I got an ear infection. So that was kind of a slap in the face from Summer.

J:   Yeah, that is not meant to happen after you are about 5, right? Well, Can't win 'em all I guess. So what else did you love about summer? Personally I loved my NYE. Taking Baby to the early fireworks.

Then coming home to this:

And finally watching all the city fireworks on the roof with LB and a G&T in hand. Pretty much the perfect night! 

K: I liked the time I rode a bike along the track next to the Upfield train line and then discovering that the boomgates were down, road it across a road.

I loved that so much.

I also loved the time I came home from work to discover Le Flav had sent me a bunch of treats from France, most of which don't exist any more.

J:  Oh, man. Sure, well done about the bike ride and everything but that package from Le Flav really is what is talking to me right now. So much so that I can't even think about anything else good that happened to me over the summer! 

K: Yeah, it had that affect on me too. 

Pause

We hosted a nice picnic together, remember? That was good!

Picnics are sooooo relaxing

J: Yeah, that picnic was really nice. And we had that nice dinner at the new Woodstock and pretended we were really neighbours.

A massive highlight was meeting the new baby of a couple of my favourite people!

K: Of course. The first of  the great babywave of 2013.  I hope all the new people that come this year are as lovely as she (seems to be in photos because I haven't had the pleasure yet...)

On the downside, seeing Les Miserables was a bit of a drag...

J: I'm sorry to hear that. I don't really have any down sides. Except I bought a new pair of runners I thought would change my life for the better. They haven't.

But on the upside, I think 2013 is going to be a pretty good year. First, the baby wave. Second, well, it's good to be positive a the start of the year. Third, we are shaking things up a bit around here.

A little bit.

K: Yeah! Just a little shake up because change is good but so too is easing it in nice and slowly.

Should we tell the readers what we've got in store Mate?

J: Maybe? Or maybe they should figure it out for themselves. Plus I don't want to write any cheques my butt can't cash. Plus, they only have to wait a few days to see the first change.

But you can tell them if you like.

K: Nah, you're right, let's let the people see for themselves. I don't want to write any cheques either, because I don't have a chequebook and also I am a little broke from all that summer spending.

J: Also, it is our first day back on the job and I am zonked after all this talking. Let's get the hell out of here!

K:  Don't need to ask me twice. See you tomozz, crab fans!

  

J:  It's good to be back!  Byesies!

2012: The year that was

Well readers, we've finally made it to the end of the year. Not literally. Just according to the Miss Soft Crab calendar. Yesterday,  I finished work for the year (it's me, K by the way...hi you guys) and I can't tell you how great that is.
I'm writing this from bed you know. From bed!

So great. Anyway, it's J's last day today, so soon we will all be on holidays and so its time to share our final crabby words for the year. 


And what better way to end the year than look back over it and talk about it? Heaps of better ways maybe, but we'll never know because we chose this one. Lets begin!





K:  So let’s talk 2012!

J:  Ok! How was it for you?

K:  Um, kind of fast. How was it for you?

J:  Yeah. Real fast. But to be honest I am kind of excited it's over. The first half kind of sucked. And the second half was fine but boring. I'm excited about next year. But this is a retrospective, not a forwospective.

K:  Yeah, it was a perfectly fine year for me too, but I would prefer if 2013 was shit-hotter.But 2012 had some great moments including:

The Blizzie wedding. 
Prince!

J:  It's true. 2012 may have had lowlights, but Prince was a lifetime highlight. LIFETIME! Do you hear what I am saying? It was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I want to make that absolutely clear.

K:  I'm so glad you took the bait Mate, I thought mentioning Prince would fire you up.

J:  Oh, and Blizzie's wedding was great too.

K:  I liked the bit where little Nut was born. That was a pretty big highlight. And the bit where Pickle moved back to Melbs. And Hobart. As discussed last week. I loved Hobart so much.

That reminds me, I saw both Chickpea and Russeth on my way to work yesterday. Chickpea rode past me on Nicholson Street when I was waiting for the tram.Then Russeth got on my tram!

J:  Ha. Small world, uh? 

So yeah, Pickle's return was definitely a highlight.Hobart, of course. That was the best. Seeing how beautiful Hobart was. Eating each meal twice a day. Going on boats. MONA! I loved it. Also, the birth of Thor Friendship was a highlight! Seeing Ira Glass all the way back in January!

K:  Ira! Of course! Thor Friendship! Of course!

Let’s talk food highlights. Did we have any ramjets dinners this year?

J:  NO! Those slackarse ramjets! I don't think the highlights were as amazing this year. No ramjets

No Estelle.  But there were some highlights, right? Anniversary rum baba!

K:  Oh that's for sure. The rum baba we ate at Cumulus Inc. for our Miss Soft Crab anniversary dinner while sipping Prunella Mandorlata

J:  Prunella Mandorlata was a definite highlight

K:  Definitely. We need to start a MSC liquor cabinet...

J:  Hells yeah. HEY! How about those potato on a stick things we had at Golden Plains?! Not classy but delicious. Nordic dinner was good. I think that the food we made was more mind-bending than most of the stuff I ate at restaurants.

K:  Yeah, the Nordic dinner was a triumph. Remember those cinnamon buns Miguel made? And the cinnamon snowflake ice cream sandwiches you made which continue to blow my mind and I don't even like ice cream that much (though maybe I actually do...I seem to be changing...)

J:  Dude, you like ice cream. It’s time to admit it.

K:  Well shit Mate, maybe that's what will go down as the most memorable thing that happened to me in 2012...I opened my heart to ice cream...

J:  Maybe. I mean that is a good thing. So Mate, how about lowlights?

K:  Look, if there have been some lowlights, I don't really know what they are. What have I got to complain about? Nothing, that's what. BUT, if I had to say something, I would say the lack of supply within the hunk pipeline is a growing concern for me.

J:  Definitely! The birth of HotMC should have been a year highlight but it’s highlighted the lack of hunks - and that is a lowlight. So many lights! And how about our disappointing anniversary dinner at Mamasita?!  And theOscars and the hunk lack?! LOWLIGHT!

K:  All of these things have had the lights down low. Also, the lights are literally down low at my house because I think there is some dodgy wiring going on so a bunch of the lights don't work. I've actually been meaning to ask LB to have a look at it - do you think he could help?

J:  Maybe. He could have a look. And what a bummer.

K:  Yeah, it's a bit of a drag.

J:  So, anything else touch you this year?

K:  Hey, at the risk of sounding like someone who would say this, another highlight for me has been watching Baby grow up a little bit and become even more adorable. I'm really digging on that whole thing.

J:  Oh, dude, I didn't want to be the one to say it but you are so right! The kid just gets better and better. Like that time he said to me, "You look beautiful. But some of the other boys don't know it.' So cute, and so true!

K:  Oh my. We've been saying that to one another for years and now the fruit of your loins is saying it to you! It's so much cuter when it comes from the mouths of babes though, right?

But Baby saying it is cute too.

J:  HA!

K:  Nyuck nyuck nyuck

J:  Hey mate did you have an MSC highlight?

K:  Ooh, good question. I liked multi-faith Haiku Thursday. And I'm sure there were some other great moments but I'm still laughing at that thing I said about 'from the mouths of babes' before so I'm a little distracted. What about you?

J:  HAHAHA. Yeah, that was funny what you said two minutes ago. But so was Multi-faith Haiku Thursday. Definitely some of our best work. I also liked the official birth of FC.

K:  How could I forget?!The official birth of FC has been one of the great things about 2012 for sure.

J:  Yeah. It has.

Um... so what do you say mate, should we blow this popsicle stand so that we can hit the Miss Soft Crab Christmas party, or what?

K:  You know it girl! There's a rum baba out there with our names on it!

Merry Christmas and happy new year, crab friends!

 J:  Yeah, have a great one y'all!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Holiday Haiku

Oh, ciao  ragazzi

Guess what day it is today?

Thursday. Keep up, guys. 

Just jokes amici. 

Today's the last day of work!

Tomoz: holidays. 

To all the green parks

To patches of dappled shade:

I'm coming for you. 

Haiku Thursday (AM)

On the beach (or It's summer time, bitches!)

Low evening sun

Shadow is tall, it's skinny

If only t'were true

I touch salt water

The hunger comes instantly

Hot chips would be best

Imaginary Christmas Telemovie Workshop! (PM)

I  cannot wait to see Feliz Navidad. And if it is on at the same time as this bullshit show I'm pitching, I'm totally changing channels.

We Three Kings

Matthew, James and John King are three brothers trying to keep the memory of their father alive, and the farm he left behind viable. As a 10 year drought continues, maintaining the farm is hard, especially for John, a single father. On Christmas eve, the three brothers pay a visit to neighbour, Maryanne. Pregnant to a man who left her, and all alone on Christmas eve, she is happy for the visit. As the four enjoy a merry evening, amazing things start to happen! The Kings are stuck at Maryanne's thanks to a snowstorm, a thing never seen before in these parts. Maryanne goes into labour; and it looks as if love might blossom. All this in just one night? On Christmas, anything is possible!

Imaginary Christmas Telemovie Workshop! (AM)

In the grand tradition of particularly shit programming at Christmas, Miss Soft Crab is delighted to bring you the seasonal cousin of Imaginary TV show workshop! - Imaginary Christmas Telemovie workshop!

Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad is a single Dad trying to make ends meet working for the merchant navy. Things have been tough since his wife Maria died,  but he's got two great kids - Juan and Baby Jesus-  who make it all worthwhile. After a long stretch at sea, Feliz can't wait to make it home for Christmas but when tropical cyclone Judas shipwrecks him on a tiny island, he wonders if he is ever going to make it home. That is until Magdelena, a beautiful selkie, waltzes ashore one day, shedding her skin and stealing Feliz's heart. With Feliz's gift for ocean navigation and Magdelena's ability to be both a woman and a seal, Feliz might just make it home for Christmas after all, and give Juan and Baby Jesus the very best gift of all - a new mother.