I am....(PM)

Me, I have terrible moves, which is why I left the room when Kanye came on.
Normally I would dance anyway. Normally I don't care about my bad moves, I just care about kicking it. But the only reason we were at that party was because I have a mad crush on the host, and though drunk and being lured by that siren Kanye, I was lucid enough to know that dancing my truth on this occasion would be unwise.

But J looked great being SBF.

More like this, if you ask me, but super great.

I am... (AM)

On Saturday night I went to a party with K. K was literally the only person I knew there. Literally! (Well, virtually. A couple of faces were familiar from the past, but let the past be the past, right?) Some people approach life and, therefore, parties with the ol' 'a stranger is just a friend you haven't met' attitude. Me, I'm more of the ol' "a stranger is just a person I don't have to give a shit what they think about me" school, which is a liberating way to go to a party.

I had a good time on Saturday night, not least because I got to do some stupid dancing to Kanye. It wasn't really a dancing party. It was more a stand around and talk party. But then Kanye came on and I happened to be in the right room at the right time. I ate a piece of cheese and that seemed to give me the special power I needed. When 'Golddigger' came on you could not stop me from busting some of my sweetest moves. Now to say I need to be drunk, or among strangers, or high on cheese to dance my ass of would be to tell a lie. I need none of those things. Mainly I need a floor under my feet and ideally, though not necessarily, some music. But when everything aligns right, I become my alter ego.

I am Sacha Baron Fierce.

I know that you must be shocked to learn what I look like in my alter ego form. After all, K and I have been very careful not to show you our faces, but I think it is only fair that you know what I look like when I am possessed by Sacha Baron Fierce. Yes, I am very, very beautiful with brooding Jewish eyes and the sensual lips and jawline of a Nubian princess. Also, when I am Sacha Baron Fierce, I am awesome.

Oh, and I have amaaaaaazing dance moves.

Yes, yes, y'all. You'll be seeing a lot more of Sacha Baron Fierce this summer and I bet you can not wait!

Things I am going to do on my summer holidays (PM)

HAHAHAHAHA! This crab! Good one!

Well this crab also has two pincers and a high level of excitement about the holidays. And like K, I'm going to Puberty Blues the heck out of them!

I'm gonna hang out with my BFF, sit on the beach and watch my boyfriend surf. Make cakes when it rains. Seriously. And eat chiko rolls. Gado Gado chiko rolls! I can't effing wait. Might even make them tomorrow.

I'll be house sitting in a suburb actually near where my friends live so I may even see them! And I plan to have BBQs! YEAH! And because of the proximity to everything I will also be riding a bike around! Yeah. Gonna be a sweet 3 weeks.

I’ll probably also be wishing I had long, thin legs like the lady in the picture K stole from The Sartorialist because I’ll probably be wearing shorts and hating on my legs. And, if summertime dreams come true, I will also buy a summer dress I like.

Also, eat fruit.

Man I love the summer holidays.

Things I am going to do on my summer holidays (AM)

Who's got two pincers and a high level of excitement about the summer holidays?

This crab.

Heh.
Of course I actually mean this crab:

Those are thumbs, not pincers.

That's right readers, it's almost time for the annual Miss Soft Crab hiatus -  where J and I go back to emailing/texting one another everything we want to say instead of writing it here - and we're excited! This will be our last week of regular programming for the year, but I don't want you to worry your pretty little heads for a moment, because we'll be back in late January feeling nice and refreshed and like we've just had a summer holiday because we will have just had a summer holiday.

As I shuffle towards the end of the year, I keep thinking about things I'm going to do this summer. I'm a simple girl, with simple holiday desires to match. Here's what I fancy doing first.

Swim. I am going to swim so damn much. Poolside. Bayside. Oceanside. I'm going to be by all those sides. I'm going to take a towel and bathers everywhere I go in case there are any opportunities for a dip. I'm going to have wet hair and salty skin all the time. I am going to swim so much I will get sick of licking the salt off my skin, which has never happened before.

Cook. I am going to cook a bunch of things I have been thinking about, but haven't got around to yet. Including this pie.
And something J and I talked about the other day, which we've given the working title Gado Gado Chiko Roll because it is a chiko roll only with gado gado inside it instead of chiko.

Get around like this.
Both because I am learning to ride a pushbike and because I love a bit of pants free, though I doubt I'll combine the two. And I would wear a helmet. And I will certainly look less carefree than this lady from The Sartorialist, because learning to ride a pushbike is hard and undignified.
But goodness me it's fun.

Favourites list - 2012 (PM)

I completely agree about bed. That's going to be a favourite of mine until they put me in a bed in the ground. Also Pinkman and getting drunk at the end of the year.

But here are some others.

My garden. I love my garden so much that sometimes, when I look at it, it makes my heart swell up in my chest a little bit.

This year, I put some astro-turf down and got some new plants, like hydrangeas and a gardenia. Of course, I like to eat a lot.
Oops! Of what I grow. That sentence was meant to say I like to eat a lot of what I grow. This year, I have planted capsicum, strawberries, jalapenos and of course, tomatoes which have begun to fruit. From the first, this tomato plant has been my favourite.

It's such a bonnie boy. I love all my plants of course, but this one. This one is my pride and it is my joy.

Coconut and chocolate butter. The other day, I was at that organic shop on Lygon Street getting some eggs and flour, when I happened upon this product.

I didn't know what I was going to do with it, but I knew I wanted it. I bought it then and there and since then, have been eating it out of the jar with a spoon because I still don't really know what to do with it but I know I want it in my mouth.

Running. Exercise has never been my favourite thing, but running has traditionally been my least favourite of all the exercisey things. But then, things changed. I got sick of trying to avoid running wherever possible. I started doing it a little on the treadmill at the gym. Then doing that more. Then doing more still. Then I started feeling kind of good for ages afterwards. I guess it would be fair to say I started liking it.

The other night, Pickle and I went for a run around Princes Park. I know that's something you guys probably do all the time, but not this crablet. Until Tuesday, I had never once run around Princes Park. But now I've done it and once Pickle makes me that mix tape of running songs she told me about, and once we get Miguel to make us both a new mix tape of running songs, I am going to do the shit out of it again.

The time we went to Hobart. At the moment, I have a pretty big crush on Tasmania. Perhaps this is making me see the world through apple-coloured glasses, but I feel like the time that Chickpea, J and Baby went to Hobart belongs on this list of favourite things for 2012. Eating and drinking and gazing at beautiful things with my favourite people was perhaps the loveliest time I had this year. Is it not the loveliest time one can have? I think it is, and may it always be.

Favourites list - 2012 (AM)

Oh shit! This year is almost over. And if there is one thing I like to do at the end of the year it is get drunk. And if there is another thing I like to do at the end of the year it is reflect on what I have loved that year. Am I right? So here is my 2012 favourites list. Some of these things are long time favourites, some are new. Some will continue to be favourites, others will probably also continue to be favourites. 

Bed. Seriously, is there ever a night that you get into bed and think, ‘Nah, this is not that good’? Lying down when you are really tired and you got that doona all up on you, there are really few things I love more. 

An appropriate amount of spread.  In this age of excess nothing is safe. Vendors of Smith Street, hear me now, a cinnamon and raisin bagel needs just a schmear of cream cheese. It just gives it a little tang and moistness, by no means does it need spoonfuls. And Vegemite, and this is coming from a salt freak, a girl whose own sister can not tolerate the amount of Vegemite I put on toast, Café Rosamond, I like you a lot, but chill the fuck out on the Vegemite.

Brevity. Lately Baby has gotten in to kids movies. There are some really good ones out there and you know what one of their best qualities is? Brevity. A kids movie goes for 80, maybe 90 minutes. Now that is a movie length. An adults movie should go for maybe 100 minutes, max! Two hours if it's really good or there’s something special to say. Hollywood, take note: more than that is too long, so chill the fuck out!

Jesse Pinkman.  From the first episode of Breaking Bad I pretty much loved Jesse. Dude was a skanky meth-cooking, meth-smoking skank in those days, but he was so adorable. Sweet and vulnerable and kind of caring. The guy goes through a lot of shit and has to do some shitty things but he is just this fucking sweetheart. A while ago I said to K, ‘I love Jesse Pinkman. I love him!’ And she laughed at me. About 2 weeks later, after she had caught up on a bit more BB K said to me, ‘I love Jesse Pinkman. I love him!’  Between Vince Gilligan and Aaron Paul I think they have created genius. Jesse Pinkman is a work of genius. And I love him

Coconut lotion SPF30+. I’ll reapply you every four hours!

Haiku Thursday (PM)

Things aren't always as they seem 

I

Don't pretend to be

Something you are not, carob

You aren't chocolate

II

What are pieties?

Are they the gods of the pies?

I could worship them

Haiku Thursday (AM)

Alone in my bed

I sleep diagonally

My prerogative. 

I made donuts (PM)

Mate, you should love yourself fully sick. You made donuts, you magnificent son of a bitch. 

Kudos my hero.

Me, I made a pretty pattern out of cream and golden syrup.

I made donuts (AM)

I think there is something wrong with me. Every time I do something awesome I pretty much love myself sick, even if the thing I did is really easy. Like the time I made croissants. I fully loved myself sick for ages after that. Still do in fact. Love myself more every time I do it. But, as I said at the time it's actually pretty easy.

Why am I so in love with myself this time? Oh, no big deal. Just made some donuts is all.

Happy Chanukah! I made these donuts/ponchkes/sufganiyot for Chanukah. You have to eat fried food. It's a rule. For reals.

But you guys, you can feel as smug as me too! It's totes simple! I know. I know. The deep frying is kind of off-putting. But it's seriously no biggie. Because those dough lumps are such little... dough lumps, the oil stays pretty fresh and totally reuseable. And they were nowhere near as greasy as store bought ones. Here's how you do it:

First put an apron on. I never do this but I can not stress how much better it made the cooking experience! I stayed so neat and could wipe my hands on myself without getting dirty!

Make a yeast dough with some flour, yeast, water, sour cream, egg. 

 

Let it rise. Roll it out, cut circles. Put jam on top. Don't these bastards look delicious already?!

Cut more circles and put on top of the jammed circles. They look messy, but don't worry guys. Just wait and see. Cause you gotta let them rise for a while.



 Fry them bad boys. Look how they look like real donuts!

 Finally, love yourself fully sick!

Gifts from the Internet (PM)

A driving dog! Now I've seen everything!

Gifts from the Internet (AM)

I have to write a report for work this week. It's a slow and painful process and sometimes it makes me want to smack my head against the keyboard, sometimes cry, sometimes throw up. Mostly, it just makes me want to look at stuff on the internet, and then feel guilty for looking up stuff on the internet.
To make me feel less guilty for all the things I've been looking at on the internet, I am going to show you guys some of the things I have been looking at on the internet. Don't worry, this will only take a minute.

I like this thing.  I find the way the dog looks at the camera at 15 seconds extremely hilarious, and then the kiwi guy towards the end. But it's the suave canine that really speaks to me.

I also found this kind of interesting. Efficient. Takes the awkwardness out of it.

This I find hilarious because I spook easily and can totally relate, but also find people falling over extremely funny, even when they are not people but raccoons.

But this Tasmanian Devil is currently my favourite thing on the internet.

Honestly, have you ever seen anything so lovely? Certainly nothing that is both as whiskery and as lovely as this guy. I hope he doesn't get the facial tumours.
Anyway. that's all I'm doing today. Hope you guys have it better than me.

People are relying on you! (PM)

This morning's post is about google and how it's not very trustworthy and how it doesn't make much effort anymore, which is a serious topic and one that deserves our attention. But the thing that blows my mind about what I read this morning is that if he had lived, Freddie Mercury would be sixty-six years old right now. That's practically my parents age. That blows my mind. Why? I have no idea why. When I think about it, it makes sense that he would be in his late sixties. But for some reason it seems incredibly weird to me that Freddie Mercury could be my parents age.

It makes more sense when I see this, and yet I still struggle.
PS: Hey mate. you should get a shirt like this for LB. 

People are relying on you! (AM)

Last night I was watching a documentary on Freddie Mercury. It's pretty much my favourite thing to do. And because you never learn enough from an hour long doco I turned to Google. I had questions, you know. How long was he with his partner Jim Hutton? (Six years according to Wikipedia*)  How awesome was he? (Very!)

Now, guys, I have to tell you something, often, when I write about stuff here that doesn't just come from my brain it comes from the Internet. Lots of the time it comes from Wikipedia, which is a source I usually think I can trust because I know that when Russeth adds stuff to it about Moby's nonexistent appearance on Happy Days, his lies are taken down in days. So I feel its a trustworthy source. Then again, those lies are up there for days. What if I'm the victim of some alternative Russeth?

How will I ever know?

But at least I know that Wikipedia are trying to do the right thing. What are you trying to do, Google? Fuck all apparently. Do you know what came up on that right-hand panel of the Google page when I asked about Freddie? You know the panel that gives you pictures and basic information?

What's wrong with this picture? Just something is a bit jarring? What is it? Um, what is it? What is it? Oh! I know! THAT GIANT PICTURE OF KURT COBAIN ABOVE FREDDIE'S NAME! You can't fool us, Google! You think you can put any picture of a dead rock star there over a name and we'll buy it? You can't do that Google.

Freddie and Kurt are beautiful and unique snowflakes whose only common ground is the fact that they are both beautiful and unique snowflakes. Get some quality control, Google! People think you have the answers, God damn it.

Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and donate to Wikipedia so that they never try and pass off Kurt as Freddie, like some lesser Internet-based businesses.

*I don't know what to believe anymore. But I guess I'll believe this.